Don't you wish you were British?

Mood: Hungry; I haven't eaten in 12 hours!
Listening to: Placebo

Posted Thursday, January 5, 2006

First entry for '06, and it feels pretty weird. That analogy above I made up. I thot about different situations into which ppl are forced to make a decision they really don't want to make, like I was, and boom. An analogy. A good one. I think I'll keep using it, for it seems this comes up a decent amount of times. So how am I forced into making decisions? Everywhere I go. With this ViRus issue that is beginning to seriously piss me off. It got off to a rough start. This entry might give you a little insight into why my last entry was so anxiety-filled, and updates. Not that anyone is interested. But still. It feels good to get it out and not have anyone I know personally viewing it. Okay.

It was the stake of pride that caused me to meet Scott in the first place. My friend Amanda had been close buddies to him, and he continued complimenting her, when she found out how hot I really thot he was. So she arranged for me to meet him, one day she skipped into Chemistry saying, "C'mon, Scott wants to meet you! He's waiting outside for you!" I had told her previously I wanted to take my time in making his acquaintance, possibly wait until after break. But Amanda didn't let me. So for sake of sparing myself embarrassment, I went out and we exchanged names while Amanda stood aside. It was insanely uncomfortable, as I remember, and I was so thankful for the low light b/c I remember feeling like I was glowing like a redlight. Then I commented about smelling cig. smoke about, and puzzled, I asked Amanda about. She made a big show of wanting a cigarrette (sp?) but it had been Scott's breath I was smelling. For a nonsmoker, I didn't really like this fact. And so...I spoke to Scott again, on his own (Amanda was absent), and delivered one of those horrible "I-like-you-so-much!" notes (truly, it was a variation of it, but you get it). And he wrote back saying that had "taken a lot of nerve" but nothing on returning my ardor. He complimented me in his notes, which I took as me actually having a shot with this guy, and then of course, I found out about the other girlfriend, and I realized even trying to compete for this guy against that girl was like trying to race when you've got a pegleg. You're doomed from the very start, and there's no point in trying to win him over. Break started. I mulled a bunch of stuff over. And I decided that I didn't want to rush into this friendship when, already, a lot of water was under that bridge (so it felt), and in a fit of anger, I wrote a hate-note about myself, and gave it to Scott. Before break, and now afterward, I have this thing about avoiding Scott (I just can't look him in the eye anymore), especially when he's with Amanda, so it just added to the level of "water". This was quickly developing into a huge drama. Scott's reply wasn't in note form, just from Amanda saying that I "should stop hating on myself". Whatevs! I actually half-felt some of those feelings of anger, those ones that I put down on paper that made me out to be a horrible bitch, and when I heard his response, the first thing I felt was "Man, he's right, they're all right," and my second reaction was, "That stupid fucker! What does he know, criticizing me?!? What's the matter with him??" And on the outside, I decided to go with the second reaction as my outside front, even as friends were trying to agree with him as heartily as possible. It was harsh. And now...I'm just lost, and confused. Yes, I'll admit, there is a lot of anger within me, but I am not that angry person I made myself to be. Anger does not give to guidance. Whenever my personality had been "angry," I often found myself in situations where I did not know how to act, or indeed, what the proper reaction was. And I wasn't always angry. So now that I've metamorphised (sp?) into a better, happier person, I don't think I can pull off the angry part, and I don't know what action to proceed to next. Just pretending to be the angry soul has left me in a fog of indecision. I chose to shout out to friends for help with this, and the ones who knew the situation recommended I apologize for the note, and try to foster a friendship between him and I, and to tell Amanda to back off. Since I saw Amanda first, I decided to tell her to back off and then go to Scott; a logical way of working things. It was this morning I confronted Amanda, when I used the analogy. Her first reaction is "I don't give a fuck about this nemore. It's all your decision, and I really do not fucking care." Using the technique that worked so well between Scott and I, I walked away, and she automatically assumed I was mad at her. Part of me thought, "And don't I have ever fucking right to be pissed at you? You give a shitty attempt to hook me up with somebody quickly, just to add a little interest to your life, and now that I took things in my own hands and it's bad, you're telling you don't a give a shit? Fuck you!" But no. Amanda guilt-tripped me into saying, "It doesn't matter. I'm not mad." Lamely denying my feelings. I started sketching pictures of Feral Cheryl, the anti-Barbie doll from Austrailia to pass a front, and they bought it. Oh boy. What a perceptive bunch of friends I have! And see, I say that, when I've become such an actor. And now I don't know what to do about Scott...Possibly play the oberservation game, and just watch him. I don't know and I hate it; I hate being lost and confused like this.

Kudos, SG