Don't you wish you were British?

Mood: Ugh, frustrated!
Listening to: Happy Christmas chatter and cheer

Posted December 19, 2005

Less than a week till Christmas. That's really strange to me; I don't know why. It's like I'm surrounded by Christmas "cheer" but I've been so adjusted to it (since before Thanksgiving) that I'm not even really noticing it anymore. It all seems so routine; the same lights, the same people, the same attitude. I'm making my own diagnosis by saying that I'm suffering Christmas Cheer Poisoning. The symptoms are a certain disregard to everything Christmas; a kind of detachment that allows you to be so caught up in yourself and your schedule that you don't observe the Reason for the Season. (Not that I'm very religious, of course; I'd even say I'm anti-religious. But I celebrate Christmas as a time to love your family and others around you, to celebrate one another's company while being rewarded for it.) The treatment, I guess, is to step back and soak up the smell of pine trees that live outdoors, to first freeze your arse off inside to come inside and sigh with happiness at the warmth (I do this nearly everytime I go outside and wait for the bloody school bus to come at 6:30 a.m. in 20-degree weather), and to get into decorating for Christmas. But man. Next to the holiday itself, part of me is thinking, "What the hell are you thinking? Looking forward to Christmas? Do you know what happens at Christmas-time? You receive visits from family you want no close connection with, you're criticized for behavior you would normally be allowed to pass with, etc. etc.!" Pooponbread. I'll get into the Christmas cheer; the prognosis for Christmas Cheer Poisoning is good. I'm thinking that part of the treatment may involve locking myself out in the barn and thinking about why I like Christmas rather than actually participating.

The next thing is...I'm such a dumb-ass. What have I been doing between the last time I blogged; what has been keeping me away from the Internet? My busy schedule...I still feel guilty about not writing letters to family in about six months. But why am I such a dumb-ass, returning to my original point? I've been up to my eyebrows in my friends' problems, and causing myself misery and stress headaches. I've been trying to support my friends in all directions, but it isn't possible. I can't please everyone, right? But it wasn't for lack of trying. So there's been a lot of heartbreak, a lot of drama, and a lot of stress that accompanies this cheery holiday season. But what of my own problems? Lately, I had been kind of losing myself to the difficulties of my friends' lives.  But there was a new guy in my life; for a short time. He had Chemistry at the same time I did, but in the classroom across the hall. So everytime I went into Chemistry, I glanced at him, caught his eye, blushed, and looked away; I play the dumb-ass shy girl act, but not willingly. So my lab partner rides the bus with him and learns about him, and mentions that he gave her a note proclaiming how "fucking beautiful" she is--fully cognite that my friend HAS a boyfriend and just kind of throwing it to the winds. He has a girlfriend, too. She's 24. That's a little odd, you know, a 16-year-old dating a 24-year-old; one just has to wonder about the inner workings of THAT relationship. So I begin to like him more, and my shyness increases, when I finally meet him. His name, according to him, is ViRus. (It's actually Scott, but he prefers ViRus.) And he has a crime record as long as my arm. Last year, he got a girl preggers. Three days later, the girl killed herself. Just this past Friday, he went to juevy hall for grand theft auto. Just yesterday, he pierced his lip with a safety pin. Plus, there's that 24-year-old girlfriend! What type of guy is this, you ask? Is it one that good-girl StarrGurl is looking for? Part of me says "Yay!" b/c he is such a hot Mexican (you might've gotten the feeling that ViRus is a bit of Mexican by now), and "Nay!" b/c of his extensive history. He's complimented ME in notes (it shocked me, and I got the complete wrong message), but there's the 24-y/o--I'm just baffled. My lab-partner friend is determined to get us hooked up, and I'm stuck in this web of indecision that's self-spun. Other friends are shouting, "STAY AWAY! What's the matter with you?" I'm flummoxed. I don't really know what to feel. I do know one thing--my goal is to get out of this. I truly hate the drama, even if the guy IS really sweet, it's not enough. ARGH. So to retailiate to him and hopefully get him off my case, I've been writing notes that make me sound like a total bitch, and joking on myself, in hopes of getting him off the chase, if he's even on it. There's a lot missing in this.

Alright, I'm through blustering about my problems. I seriously wish I could be on here more--everyone is so friendly and smart! Unlike the real world. I want to be closer to everyone here, but I can't. It seems very commitment-shy, but I have to keep this from my parents.

Cheers, SG

P. S. Merry Christmas everyone! And to everyone who celebrates Hannukah--you guys are Jewtastic (like the VH-1 special). And to all who celebrate Kwanzaa (I personally don't know anyone who celebrates this, but I know they're out there)--good times!