Don't you wish you were British?

Mood: Happy and very content
Listening to: Strange things

Posted October 28, 2005

Ah, life is good right now. Right now I'm feeling like tired ppl do when they sink into a warm bath after a long day; that sort of contentedness. Ya know, right now the birds are singing, and everything is "Lalala!", but this loving life bit feels very temporary. All my happiness right now can be contributed to FFA. We hosted the National Quiz Contest at my school on Tuesday night, and that was so much fun! Chapters from all over America, including towns and states like Madera, California; Southland, Texas; Oregon; Missouri; Oklahoma; and Ohio, they all came to my tiny lil high school in Louisville, Kentucky for the Natl. Quiz Contest. It was supposed to start at 7 p.m., but I had to be there to help out at 5 p.m. The first chapter to arrive, right at 5: 30, was Southland. They described their town as one where the "Welcome" sign was back-to-back, that the town itself only had about 100 living beings inside it. The school apparently has 180 students, from kindergarten to 12th grade, and that's borrowing kids from different counties. That was kind of mind-boggling, since Seneca itself has like 1,000 kids inside it. But the ppl from Southland were extremely nice; in fact, my friend and I kept flirting with this one really cute Mexican kid, and we had a good exchange in conversation with a few others. Till about 7:15 (nothing ever gets started on time in the FFA), our chapter basically ran around performing tasks when asked and socializing with other chapters. It was lots of fun--I even got to see Mr. Stephens. I ran up and gave him a huge hug that lasted for 30 seconds (tho ppl may not realize it, that's a long time for a hug! ). He brought one of his students from Shelby County, a senior named Conrad whom everyone called Coon, b/c that's what Stephens called him. At 7:15, the testing began, and the Seneca chapter separated into tasks--my friend and I were proctors for one room, the other room held a proctor, and the rest of the chapter headed towards Mrs. Ridings' room in Ag. 3 to "grade" tests. 45 minutes into the testing, and I had to leave, and no one was finished with the test. I doubt any person could be done with a 200-question test in 45 minutes, lol. So in Mrs. Ridings' room, it was no surprise to see everyone kicking back, talking, etc. Apparently, after I left, around 10:00, a few of our members started messing around with the helium machine that Mrs. Ridings uses to blow up balloons for her floral displays. As in--three guys were taking air from the machine to make their voices sound funny. Doesn't that so stupid? Especially during the Quiz Contest. It goes to show--you leave kids unsupervised, and they will start trouble. "Idle hands are the devil's playground."

Wednesday we didn't go to National FFA Convention as planned, which really sucked. I came home to my parents complaining about it, distraught that I wasn't missing a day for this field trip after all, and they took it very literally, and that we weren't going for all three days. It was crazy and yeah, my fault, but they dramatized it so that I was "lying", when in truth, I just misinformed them. I fed them some bull shit (tho I'm not all that proud to admit it) about how it was my responsibility to make sure that they were properly informed, and how I screwed up, and what an awful person I am and how I'm going to hell and all that. Tho I didn't put quite in the context for the final bit, they lapped it up about me being a bad person. It makes me wonder about these ppl. I think they live just to ride my ass about things. As you can see, I'm not in the best spirits with my parents. Oh well.

BUT today was the first day for National Convention, tho technically it was the second, but our first day going. I had a blast; running around the Career Show, defying my parents by learning absolutely nothing as I watched guys from our chapter climbed a felled tree that had been stripped of branches and was now being used for tree-climbing. I also watched them throw three-pounds sacks filled with hay into an awesomely huge Ford truck, watched them strip  a tire of lugnuts and replace them in 20 seconds, watched them ring the bell dinger, watched them use a saw and count strokes, b4 I got pretty fed up with watching these stupid kids doing stuff. Since we had to buddy up, and I ended up going outside at least five times today so kids could take tobacco breaks (you can tell that we're amongst farmers when you can count the used dip pinches lying around outside and there's about 20 of them under a single tree). After the career show, which was cool since I got free spam (bleh) and beef jerky (yum), I spent 35 minutes in the lunch line waiting on food, spent another 10 eating the food outside and waiting as the girl took a smoke, and at last I was able to shop a bit. After 20 minutes of that, it was time to leave. One thing is for sure, tomorrow I will not be sitting around waiting on all these stupid kids as they do random stuff. Hopefully. There was a shining moment, tho, when I got to get 20 signatures from states all around the country from some really hot guys. They have strange names, tho, like Bart and Bob and Jacobis. Don't ask me, lol, I just liked the eye candy. So tomorrow is our last field trip opportunity for the National FFA Convention, and it should be lots of fun, with hopefully tons of better stuff to report.

Cheers! StarrGurl

Mood: Serene
Listening to: Breaking Benjamin, "We Are Not Alone"

Posted October 6, 2005

"Crazy" doesn't even begin to cover it. "Insane". "Chaotic." The last one is a loose term. You know, when ppl are asked what their life is like, one can always get a pretty strong, consistent answer. Crazy. "Man, you have no idea, my life is insane!" I've always said it, I'll admit it. I always thot it was pretty weird. But now I'm actually getting my share of out-of-control.

Let's dissect my life real quick so you can get idea that I'm almost familiar with beyond craziness. It's all about my father. He's an alcoholic. This is an emotional hell for me. You have not experienced bad crap til your neighbors come knocking on your door at 2:30 a.m. to tell you that your dad was found passed out in their yard, when your father falls and breaks your gran's valuables (tables, walls, pictures, figurines, doors--nothing stops Dad!), til you've been in a near-car wreck with your Dad on one of his alcoholic episodes. I say "episodes"--it's almost regular for him. Along schedule. Five to six nights (and sometimes days, when he's on a binge) of the week, Dad is at some level of inebriation. Luckily, him and my mother split a long while back. Going on 10 years ago. It's a good situation now that's he gone. Or it was. My mother is a vet. I might've mentioned it b4. She sees a lot of new clients everyday, or so I'm led to believe. Quite a few years back, she met a man who has changed our life. No, they aren't married. But we're like family, his and ours. He formed a business with my Mom, a successful vet practice. His family adopted my little sister, mother, and me as family. The man's family includes his mother, his wife, and their son, who's six years old. And then my ragtag family, of course. This not-blood family has become a rock in my life.

I feel as though the rock was nearly lifted up and tossed out to sea, never to be found again.

Mom and the man have had the usual business issues. There will always be things that cause problems. Mom is the self-motivational type; the man has to be motivated. The man forgives, but doesn't forget. Mom acts on her own opinions, and makes snap decisions that have definitely not been the brightest. I, being kind of low on the totem pole in the family hierarchy (sp?), have not been given details of the snap decisions, nor of much of anything. But there are ups to that, I've learned. Being oblivious has a bit of freedom to it.

Yesterday, while I was working at the vet practice with Mom, Mom told me that she might split the partnership with the man. She said that when they were out of town recently, her and the man got pretty physical in one of their fights. Mom tried to bite one of the man's fingers off. She lost control. Totally lost. I became an animal, Mom says.

You have no idea of the effects this statement has had on me. It was a little odd to hear the phrase "bite one of the fingers off", but it's not the least bit funny. I  feel burdened. Does this sort of violence run in my family? For I have my own slightly violent past, though it's nothing prolific or gory. Does insanity run in my family? Does losing control run in my family? Is it hereditary? What if my kids suffer through the sort of anger Mom and I seem to least share a little bit? I feel lost, confused; and again, burdened. I did not want the details of the physical spat Mom and the man got into. I did not want to be involved in the fight between Mom and the man, but I was thrown in anyways.

The man, thankfully, oh my God, ever-so-thankfully, convinced Mom not to split the partnerships and disassociate our two families. I feel so relieved. The rock remained on the mainland. But...It's shifted. For hearing this information, it's had an affect on me.

There is more that's going on with my life, of course. The PSATs on the 12th. Other issues. But I'm just trying so hard to unburden myself, so terribly hard. I don't WANT to be thinking of this every blinking breathing moment of my life. I don't know...I just hope this helps in the forgetting process.

Kudos, StarrGurl