....faith and life....life and faces

Death..... and then?

..."like a thief at night"

There was just a brief announcement in the news at noon: "A Boeing 727 has crashed, over 120 fatalities.  The  cause  for  the accident is still unknown".  This accident  was  not  planned.  The passengers were taken by surprise. Death came  "like a thief  at  night". Where people live, there is always the possibility  of losing  life.  Closing  our  eyes to this does not make sense. Transplantation of organs, deep-freeze operations, supplies of fresh cells, etc., help to prolong life but are unable to eliminate death.

Anointing of the sick

Someone has said  that dying begins  with birth. This was supposed to mean that right from the beginning,  life  is  in danger of death. Pain, especially, the burden of growing old and falling sick marks the  first steps toward death. Man is ripped away from his usual work rhythm by  illness and becomes dependent on the help of others. In this way, he experiences his powerlessness and limitations which find their culmination in death.

The Bible often reports that Jesus particularly directed His attention to the sick to help them. His prime goal, of course, was not physical healing but psychological encouragement  and  strengthening.  Evidently, the young Christian communities felt  obligated  to  act like Jesus. In James' letter (5,14-15) we find this directive: "Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the Church,  and let them pray over him,  anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord; and the prayer of faith will save the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven". 

We  believe  that  Christ  accompanies  our life through the Sacraments in order to be close to us and give us help in times of illness,  aging and dying. Continuing  Jesus'  and  the Apostles' service of the sick, the Catholic Church administers the Sacrament of the  Anointment  to give hope for recovery through remission of sins and confidence in God. In the past,  the  Sacrament  which prepared for death was called "Extreme Unction".  But  now,  we  see  it  more in its original meaning, as restoring life during the longer periods of illness and aging.

What is death?

Since  we  cannot  eliminate  death,  we  repress it and make it taboo.  Above all, we do not talk about it in the presence of the sick.  Often, people get rid of the dying and have them transferred to a lonely room in a hospital, even if this is medically not necessary. Dying has turned into a private matter.  This only shows our  total  helplessness  vis-à-vis  death.   Only  recently did  people  realize  that the  dying need contact and community and that more humane attention should be given to them.

What  really  happens  when  somebody  dies?  At this question,  all of us have to admit our embarrassment. Everyone has to take the last step by himself. Respiration stops, the heart stops beating, brain activity comes to an end, and at this  stage  a  death certificate can be issued. But this is by far not all that can be said about death.

Love and Marriage

Denominationally disparate marriage

A "mixed marriage"  can bring  particular  difficulties which should be discussed with the  concerned  parties  prior  to  the  wedding.  Children's  education or  the common  life  of  faith  could  give  rise  to  disagreement.   But  these  marriages are  not  identical to  another.  There could be a chance for common action in faith;  but  the  problems  resulting  from  the  split  in  Christianity  could  also  be intensified.  In  an  extreme  case, the success of the marriage could  be  endangered  and  the  faith  of  spouses  and children be influenced negatively.

When  both  partners  take  their  faith  seriously, a marriage which is denominationally different has the best chances of success.  But in this case, the difference in faith is often  especially  painful  for  the couple, and the conflicts regarding the  wedding and education of children more pronounced. The Catholic Church tries to meet the wishes of the non-Catholic partner as long as they do not  jeopardize  the  faith  of  the other spouse and the children.

The married couple has an obligation to live  according to what they perceive to be the  true faith  and pass it on to the children;  for who would want to give to their  children  less  than  what  they  themselves  have  experienced  in  terms of purpose  and happiness  in  this life?  For this reason, no church can give an exemption from this moral obligation.  Prior to the wedding, Catholic partners must declare that they are aware of this duty and will endeavor to fulfill it as far as possible in their marriage.

But since children's education concerns both parents,  it  could  become  impossible  for the Catholic spouse to give a Catholic education to the children; in this case, the right and obligation remain to witness the Catholic faith to the spouse and the children through the conduct of life.  In addition, the commitment continues to actively participate in a responsible,  Christian, conjugal relationship and family life. Obviously, the non-Catholic partner who agreed to the Catholic upbringing of the children has the same rights.

For many married couples who consider all these questions to be important, it can be a consolation to know that the first years in the life of a child are most significant for religious education but that confessional differences play very little role during  that  period.

When  spouses  with  different  religious convictions  try honestly to resolve this conflict in faith and love and to bridge existing differences, they prepare the way for a rapprochement of the churches.      

Love and Marriage

View of the Church

Man has to find out for himself how he can best correspond to the commonly valid norms in his concrete situation. After a conscious consideration of the decrees of the Church and verification of all circumstances, even a Catholic Christian can come to a responsible decision which differs from the view of the Church.

Responsibility of parents

It is natural  that marriage and family have to do with new life and with children. The Church retains the principle that having a child can be justified only in marriage and that it should not be the result of a coincidental sexual encounter.  Only in the  continuous  love of  parents  can a child find the security needed to grow into a mature human being. Moreover, for Christians the close connection between love and procreation corresponds to the creative will of God.

Married couples themselves have to make Christian and humanely responsible decisions  regarding the number of their children.  They have to consider their own well-being, the welfare of their off springs and the material and spiritual situation of the times and of their lives. (Second Vatican Council, the Church in the World of Today, No. 50 ff.)

But sexual relationship in a marriage is also rich in meaning and good if, after serious consideration, procreation is not intended or effected. "Marriage is not only established to produce children. The personal spousal community requires this expression of love between married partners. Faithfulness and the welfare of children can suffer should the intimacy of life be abandoned. (The Church in the World of Today, No. 47 ff.)

Abortion

It is the conviction of the Church that killing of germinating life in the womb can never be allowed. From conception onward, new life must be protected like every human life. Fertilization starts the process of bringing into existence a new human being. For a Christian, forced intervention is a serious sin.  No one who has  based  his  life  on  Christian  principles  should  be tempted to  believe  that abortion  is  less  reprehensible if it is not considered an offense against the civil law.

The value of life has priority above all economic, social or psychological afflictions which could burden the mother, father or family. This shows that the question of abortion is predominantly a social problem.  When  women decide to have an abortion,  people around them  usually  have to accept  part of the blame if these women feel left alone, overburdened financially, without adequate sex education and counseling, when they see only narrow-mindedness and hear nothing else than a moralistic "I-told-you-so".

Love and Marriage

Proof of invalidity

Usually,  such a process takes a long time,  since a  marriage is always assumed to be valid and it is up to the married couple to unquestionably prove invalidity. A validly concluded and consummated marriage cannot be  declared invalid by the Church unless there are reasons for invalidity such as  fraudulent  marriage  intentions,  force,  deception, or when  partners are too closely related.

With  reference   to  the  Gospels,  the  Church  is  certainly  right  in  maintaining that a marriage is insoluble.  But the question is: what can the Church do when a marriage does not succeed, perhaps without any personal fault?  Is  it not beyond the strength of many people to have to go through life alone, perhaps after having been married for just a few years?  Are there not clauses for exceptions in the writings of Paul and Matthew (see Cor 7, 12-15; Mt 5,32)?

However, on the other hand: does not every exception weaken the stability of a marriage? Looking at the whole picture, does a divorce not bring more suffering than the tragedy of an  unsuccessful  marriage?  The possibility of legal separation  takes away the support a married couple needs, especially in a crisis situation.

For many years  the  Church  has been facing these pressing questions. She must, without any doubt, follow Christ's demand: "preach the word, be it urgent in season and out of season..." (2 Timothy 4,2). But when a marriage has finally failed and a new civil marriage been concluded, should the Church in these cases refuse to give the strength of the Sacraments to the persons involved who need it so urgently? The Church has seriously concerned herself with this problem and there are suggestions that this issue should be cleared  worldwide. God does not abandon anybody who turns toward Him and no man will be written  off by the Church either. There is always a way of faith  out of a ruined life.  A  personal  conversation with a priest is recommended in cases like this.

Matrimonial and sexual morals

Apart from the position of the Church regarding divorce,  it is above all her attitude toward the questions of matrimonial and sexual morals which causes the most heated discussions. Here, the discrepancies between generally accepted social opinions and those of the  Church  become  particularly evident. What is right ... being socially "in" or agreeing with what the Church says?

We cannot  and  do  not  want to discuss every single question, so we will limit ourselves to the basics:  Man's  conscience  needs points of orientation. These are  the regulations of the Church which no one may ignore as long as he or she wants to Popes Paul VI and John Paul II do not intend to make final, authoritative and binding decisions.  Furthermore,  the  Church  resolutely  defends any personal decision of  conscience.  She  knows  that  every  human  being is a unique and  distinct person with freedom, responsibility, conscience and an individual life history.

Love and Marriage

Marriage and faith

Many young couples hesitate to proceed with this final commitment, knowing that marriage is exposed to unforeseen developments. But we cannot plan, secure and  test  everything  to  the last detail. Sometimes, we have to make a decision, because we cannot leave things forever revocable. Having been together for some time, many couples decide to get married, especially with the prospect of raising a family, in order to put their relationship into a firm and legally protected framework. 

The  celebration in the church reinforces the consciousness of finally and forever belonging together. Should a crisis emerge, the fact of a church wedding can give an important support. Many older and experienced married couples confirm this. It is true that marital difficulties cannot simply be resolved by faith and prayer. But faith in the God of love and reconciliation gives us confidence in the possibility of lifelong faithfulness.  This faith helps the spouses  to accept  each other, forgive and allow and dare a new beginning should they disappoint each other and fail.

This shows how  important  it is not to put the religious life into a file after the wedding day, but to continuously care for it together.

Divorce
 

Jesus voiced the opinion that divorce is essentially directed against love. "What God has joined together,  let not man put asunder"  (Matthew 19, 6). The Church derives the insolubility of a validly concluded marriage from this sentence. She does not intend to bind and force people to hold on to the past.  Rather,  the thought of  insolubility  reinforces  the  endeavor to exhaust all  possibilities of living in marital community.

Divorce shows that a couple has  stopped looking to the future  together and trying to find each other always anew.  Therefore,  Jesus radically opposes people continuously looking for new circumstances under which a married  couple might eventually be divorced. Jesus demands of us  free decisions for a faithfulness which excludes loopholes right from the start. The aim of this exigency is not only to avoid marriage breakup  but to influence the partnership in such a way that  divorce becomes out of the question.

Reality,  however,  proves  that  even  with  a Christian marriage, breakup and the entailing separation of partners cannot always be avoided. Separation is often the lesser of two evils. In such cases the Church permits partners to live separately from each other and get a civil divorce because of the civil law consequences.  But  this  does  not  change the legal view of the Church regarding the continuity of the marriage concluded before the altar.

Sometimes, it is said that a married couple was "divorced" by the Pope. In reality the Pope made a declaration of invalidity which has nothing to do with divorce. In this case, it is established through proceedings before the matrimonial court of the Church that a valid marriage was not concluded in the first place.

Love and Marriage

Marriage is a Sacrament

Christian  marriage  shall  reflect  the  love and  trust of Christ for His Church. He loves His Church despite all her faults and imperfections, and He does not leave her. The prototype of  this link between Christ and His Church is  already  shown in  the  love  of  God  for  His people, Israel, in  the  Old Testament.  He  faithfully accompanied  them  through  all  times. This "covenant of God with  His  people" is mentioned repeatedly in the Bible in terms of the image of a marriage. (Isaiah 50,1; Jeremiah 2,2; 5,7).

The unconditional faithfulness of God and Jesus Christ to humanity and the Church should be mirrored in the love of the spouses.  This love can correspond so closely  to  Christ's  relationship  with  the Church that it is not only an image of His love,  but  that  His love itself is becoming present through the love of the married couple.  For this reason,  Paul calls matrimony a "profound mystery".

What happens between two people on a minor scale takes place between Christ and the Church on a large scale.  Thus,  God  can be experienced in the love of the spouses.  Therefore, the Christian marriage is a Sacrament, a sign, a place and  means  for  divine  action.  It is not  merely a  community for the purposes of financial convenience or an institutionalized form of procreation and child raising.

Church wedding

A church wedding is more than just an  extra  blessing compared to a civil ceremony. A man and a woman commit themselves to each other before a priest or deacon  and  at  least  two  witnesses,  but  usually  a  larger  community,  and thereby administer to each other the Sacrament of Matrimony.  The validity of a marriage of Catholics is tied to this rite of the Church, which, like every other Sacrament, has its own distinct form.

The community participates in this celebration and learns that God becomes present in a special way in the  Sacrament of Matrimony not only to the spouses, but also to the members of the community. However, the Sacrament is not limited to the Church wedding but is very closely connected to the couple's history, beginning  long before the wedding and ending with their death.

Although  marriage,  especially  the  Christian  marriage,  is   today  being  called into  question,  the majority of couples opt for a Church wedding. This does not seem  to  jibe with  the  generally  suspected  decrease of the Church's credibility and  the distancing of people from the Church.  For this reason we  often hear that for  many  people  the  ceremony at the Church is just a solemn setting for the wedding. However, in  many  cases,  this is not so. Most brides and bridegrooms,  even  those  who seem little engaged in the Church, feel that marriage is an  important point of their  lives  and that the success of their common plans does not depend solely on themselves.

Love and Marriage

Matrimony

is not an invention of Christianity and the churches, but since love and  the  desire to have a permanent relationship are an essential part of  human existence, it is not surprising  that they also have  an important place in the Bible, Christianity, and the Church.

What does the Bible say?
 

The biblical image of the human being and of the relationship between man and woman is shown in the very first chapters of the Bible (Genesis 1-3). "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'

According to the story of creation the encounter with  woman liberates man from his loneliness. In their conjugal love, the partners "know" each other and become "one body".  The  basic equality of man and  woman is  expressed in a metaphorical  way:  „This at  last is  bone of my bones  and flesh of my flesh", an acknowledgment  of  the  equality of  sexes that was far ahead of its time. "The man leaves father and mother  and commits himself completely to his wife"; this statement seems to be almost  revolutionary  in a patriarchal environment.  But only very slowly does this idea prevail during the course of history.

In the Genesis story of creation, human sexuality is also given its divine  dignity.  But  not  in  the  same  way as in other religions of biblical times, where  sexuality  itself  was  venerated  as  something  divine.  In the Bible, sexuality is part of  human nature and human responsibility, intended to give people   fulfillment  and joy as a gift from God who created it.  The fact that sexuality can become a source of evil and suffering, and a way for men to gain dominance  over  women, is  due  to  the  consequences  of sin and is not part of creation.

The basis of matrimony can be found in God's creation and Jesus also sees it this way. He expressly repeats the words of the report on creation. (See Mt 19, 3 - 9;  Mk 10, 2 - 12).  Marriage  was  not  established  by  Him.   On  the  contrary, Jesus refers to  something  that  has always been valid before God: spouses are tied to each other by  God  and  therefore  are not allowed to divorce, nor may man separate them.  With this, He opposes those who refer to Moses and maintain that a man has the right to divorce his wife under certain circumstances.

As marriage is part of God's creation and  exposed to the  consequences of original  sin,  it  also  partakes  in the salvation through Jesus Christ. Paul writes in his letter to the Ephesians (5,31f):  "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,  and the two shall become one flesh." - Paul compares the marriage of Christians to the relationship between Christ and His Church.      

Love and marriage 

Sexuality

The changing image of  marriage and family has also given new significance to human sexuality. "Fertile sexuality" was the  generally recognized principle in the past; today, sexuality may  be fruitful,  but does not have to be so. An increasing  number of people  even believe that it should not be fruitful. This is true  not  only for  nations  which  are  over populated,   but  also  married  couples   wondering whether or not an additional child can be justified.

Today,  even couples who are fond of  children  view  their  sexual life primarily as a means of expressing their personal relationship. They see their sexual encounter as a  sign  of  love,  a high point of  their  mutual experience, and sexual  harmony  gives  a  great deal of joy to their lives.  Especially at the moment of sexual fulfillment they experience each other as precious, unique and irreplaceable.

For  most  married  couples,  it is normal to have a family.  Fertility is taken for granted,  but is  nevertheless a special sign of their conjugal love. They expect children as a gift, not as a burden; but even without children the purpose of marriage and love is not lost for them,  although for some couples,  ardent longings remain unfulfilled.

Marriage and society

To care  for  marriage  and  family  is also an important task of the state. Citizens expect  to  be  helped,  not only when they are young, preparing for marriage and starting a family, but also after they are married and have children. Governments give financial support and tax relief and provide counsel on matrimony, family, education etc. Not only do married couples need help from society, but society needs healthy marriages and families.

Therefore, a wedding is not just a private matter. Matters such as living together, property ownership and children's education all involve society in general.  Through the children, future generations are affected. For this reason, a marriage cannot be legitimized by private sexual acts or private matrimonial promises. The will to get married must be a publicly expressed decision. Without this, society is unable to recognize the marriage and protect it by law. In addition, public confirmation of a marriage can give life support to a marriage in crisis.

Christ and matrimony

Until now, our thoughts did not refer to faith or the Church, although the churches in particular attach great importance to marriage and families. The Catholic Church even calls Holy Matrimony a Sacrament.  This is because of what we said earlier: living together as  husband and wife and trusting the love and fidelity of the partner is one of our basic longings.  Marriage  as institution is merely the human desire for a permanent relationship embedded in a public, legal framework. Marriage does not necessarily have an ecclesiastical or religious foundation, but responds to basic human desires.

Love and Marriage

The  reason  for  failure 

of so  many marriages,  in spite of honest efforts and promises: although most people think that love is important, many believe that there is nothing much to be learned about love. Essential  to love is being kind and benevolent to each other, allowing both personalities and their relationship to mature and grow, being open to discussion, being tender and fond, but also able to face conflicts. A successful partnership also requires a positive attitude toward one's own and the partner's body, expressed in sexual fantasy, and paying attention to the sexual relationship.

At first glance,  these sound like very  stringent  requirements, but they can be met  with  faithfulness  to  oneself  and  to the partner.  Undoubtedly,  lifelong fidelity  does not simply  fall from heaven.   It is up to the spouses  to put effort into maintaining trust and fidelity in their relationship. Often overlooked is the fact that conjugal fidelity means much more than only sexual faithfulness.

There are many other forms of marital disloyalty,  hardly less hurtful and unkind: mistrust, lack of time for each other, impatience, indifference toward the partner's problems,  unwillingness to listen, denial of personal freedom and private  space, jealous  attempts  to  control,  litany  of  faults,  refusal to agree to  reconciliation, etc.

Limiting  fidelity  to sexuality enables us to ignore the importance of all its other forms,  giving sexual infidelity so much weight that it is  considered  unpardonable  and the end of the marriage. Being sexually  unfaithful,  however,  is usually only the  consequence of an already existing general attitude of conjugal disloyalty.

Partnership

Long into this century and to some extent, even today, marriage has been considered general and sexual union, having the prime goal of begetting children and  having a family.  The man was  the head of the family, deciding everything. His wife was the mother and housekeeper serving the husband and children. Today it is generally believed  that both husband and wife have equal value and rights.  Their  common  life  is planned and realized together. Jointly, they decide on the timing  and  the  number  of children.  Primarily, they see their marriage as partnership of love.

Living as partners in a marriage  means going the same way together, being dependent on each other but also respecting each other's freedom and desire for personal development. The other partner's desire for freedom and development often leads to fear and crisis. The couples best fit to resolve any crisis are those who talk to each other openly and learn how to "hold on and let go".

Love and Marriage

Love: a goal in life

Marriage  and family have to do with love: "It is good that you exist and I love you the way you are.  Your love gives me  joy and hope. Because you live, I also like to live."  The person who loves is concerned about the loved person,  not about attributes,  traits or  properties  of  the loved person. In spite  of faults and weaknesses, the loved person does not need to prove him/herself anew everyday; he can plan his life and hope that, together with his partner, it will succeed. G. Marcel says: "Love is saying: you shall not perish!" The love of one person is source of life for the other partner.

For many, it is of primary importance to be loved and they do not consider  their own need and  ability to love . They are always demanding instead of giving love and,  therefore,  are  not loved in the long run.  They do not find what they seek in  love:  overcoming  human  separation,  self-realization.  But  the  person  who loves and is loved himself or herself,  will find the purpose of life and have hope and a future.

Love and fidelity

"To love a  person  means agreeing to  grow old together" (A. Camus). If I want to develop real confidence in someone, I have to know that I can trust him/her and  be  sure  of  his  or  her  faithfulness.  Promising  fidelity  and trusting in  the partner  is  certainly  one  of  the  most  important  conditions  for a loving relationship,  for marriage.  Love  and  fidelity  is  one  of the  basic human longings, and divorce is fundamentally opposed to it.

Today,  marriage  and  family undergo a more difficult development than in the past. Within a few years, two persons can grow in very different ways, even opposed to each other,  in our multifaceted and complicated society.  If being married is more  difficult  today, this is because it is more difficult to stay faithful to oneself and the other partner.  We must, therefore, realize that in some cases, separation  is  realistically  unavoidable.  Is fidelity really an unrealistic  presumption given a future that is so full of risks, so unpredictable?

Normally, if two people promise to be faithful to each other, they intend to keep this promise. They dare risk living together with the confidence that their love will continue. Their promise to be faithful shows the durability of this decision, reaching even into a very uncertain future. By this decision people give direction and purpose to their life. They use their personal freedom to bond themselves to  the partner, which includes faithfulness and responsibility.

"As long as you live, you  are  responsible  for  what  you  made  confide  in  you" (St-Exupry).  This  responsibility  for a partner means being faithful to him or her until death.