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Love and Marriage

Matrimony

is not an invention of Christianity and the churches, but since love and  the  desire to have a permanent relationship are an essential part of  human existence, it is not surprising  that they also have  an important place in the Bible, Christianity, and the Church.

What does the Bible say?
 

The biblical image of the human being and of the relationship between man and woman is shown in the very first chapters of the Bible (Genesis 1-3). "So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.'

According to the story of creation the encounter with  woman liberates man from his loneliness. In their conjugal love, the partners "know" each other and become "one body".  The  basic equality of man and  woman is  expressed in a metaphorical  way:  „This at  last is  bone of my bones  and flesh of my flesh", an acknowledgment  of  the  equality of  sexes that was far ahead of its time. "The man leaves father and mother  and commits himself completely to his wife"; this statement seems to be almost  revolutionary  in a patriarchal environment.  But only very slowly does this idea prevail during the course of history.

In the Genesis story of creation, human sexuality is also given its divine  dignity.  But  not  in  the  same  way as in other religions of biblical times, where  sexuality  itself  was  venerated  as  something  divine.  In the Bible, sexuality is part of  human nature and human responsibility, intended to give people   fulfillment  and joy as a gift from God who created it.  The fact that sexuality can become a source of evil and suffering, and a way for men to gain dominance  over  women, is  due  to  the  consequences  of sin and is not part of creation.

The basis of matrimony can be found in God's creation and Jesus also sees it this way. He expressly repeats the words of the report on creation. (See Mt 19, 3 - 9;  Mk 10, 2 - 12).  Marriage  was  not  established  by  Him.   On  the  contrary, Jesus refers to  something  that  has always been valid before God: spouses are tied to each other by  God  and  therefore  are not allowed to divorce, nor may man separate them.  With this, He opposes those who refer to Moses and maintain that a man has the right to divorce his wife under certain circumstances.

As marriage is part of God's creation and  exposed to the  consequences of original  sin,  it  also  partakes  in the salvation through Jesus Christ. Paul writes in his letter to the Ephesians (5,31f):  "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife,  and the two shall become one flesh." - Paul compares the marriage of Christians to the relationship between Christ and His Church.      

Love and marriage 

Sexuality

The changing image of  marriage and family has also given new significance to human sexuality. "Fertile sexuality" was the  generally recognized principle in the past; today, sexuality may  be fruitful,  but does not have to be so. An increasing  number of people  even believe that it should not be fruitful. This is true  not  only for  nations  which  are  over populated,   but  also  married  couples   wondering whether or not an additional child can be justified.

Today,  even couples who are fond of  children  view  their  sexual life primarily as a means of expressing their personal relationship. They see their sexual encounter as a  sign  of  love,  a high point of  their  mutual experience, and sexual  harmony  gives  a  great deal of joy to their lives.  Especially at the moment of sexual fulfillment they experience each other as precious, unique and irreplaceable.

For  most  married  couples,  it is normal to have a family.  Fertility is taken for granted,  but is  nevertheless a special sign of their conjugal love. They expect children as a gift, not as a burden; but even without children the purpose of marriage and love is not lost for them,  although for some couples,  ardent longings remain unfulfilled.

Marriage and society

To care  for  marriage  and  family  is also an important task of the state. Citizens expect  to  be  helped,  not only when they are young, preparing for marriage and starting a family, but also after they are married and have children. Governments give financial support and tax relief and provide counsel on matrimony, family, education etc. Not only do married couples need help from society, but society needs healthy marriages and families.

Therefore, a wedding is not just a private matter. Matters such as living together, property ownership and children's education all involve society in general.  Through the children, future generations are affected. For this reason, a marriage cannot be legitimized by private sexual acts or private matrimonial promises. The will to get married must be a publicly expressed decision. Without this, society is unable to recognize the marriage and protect it by law. In addition, public confirmation of a marriage can give life support to a marriage in crisis.

Christ and matrimony

Until now, our thoughts did not refer to faith or the Church, although the churches in particular attach great importance to marriage and families. The Catholic Church even calls Holy Matrimony a Sacrament.  This is because of what we said earlier: living together as  husband and wife and trusting the love and fidelity of the partner is one of our basic longings.  Marriage  as institution is merely the human desire for a permanent relationship embedded in a public, legal framework. Marriage does not necessarily have an ecclesiastical or religious foundation, but responds to basic human desires.

Love and Marriage

The  reason  for  failure 

of so  many marriages,  in spite of honest efforts and promises: although most people think that love is important, many believe that there is nothing much to be learned about love. Essential  to love is being kind and benevolent to each other, allowing both personalities and their relationship to mature and grow, being open to discussion, being tender and fond, but also able to face conflicts. A successful partnership also requires a positive attitude toward one's own and the partner's body, expressed in sexual fantasy, and paying attention to the sexual relationship.

At first glance,  these sound like very  stringent  requirements, but they can be met  with  faithfulness  to  oneself  and  to the partner.  Undoubtedly,  lifelong fidelity  does not simply  fall from heaven.   It is up to the spouses  to put effort into maintaining trust and fidelity in their relationship. Often overlooked is the fact that conjugal fidelity means much more than only sexual faithfulness.

There are many other forms of marital disloyalty,  hardly less hurtful and unkind: mistrust, lack of time for each other, impatience, indifference toward the partner's problems,  unwillingness to listen, denial of personal freedom and private  space, jealous  attempts  to  control,  litany  of  faults,  refusal to agree to  reconciliation, etc.

Limiting  fidelity  to sexuality enables us to ignore the importance of all its other forms,  giving sexual infidelity so much weight that it is  considered  unpardonable  and the end of the marriage. Being sexually  unfaithful,  however,  is usually only the  consequence of an already existing general attitude of conjugal disloyalty.

Partnership

Long into this century and to some extent, even today, marriage has been considered general and sexual union, having the prime goal of begetting children and  having a family.  The man was  the head of the family, deciding everything. His wife was the mother and housekeeper serving the husband and children. Today it is generally believed  that both husband and wife have equal value and rights.  Their  common  life  is planned and realized together. Jointly, they decide on the timing  and  the  number  of children.  Primarily, they see their marriage as partnership of love.

Living as partners in a marriage  means going the same way together, being dependent on each other but also respecting each other's freedom and desire for personal development. The other partner's desire for freedom and development often leads to fear and crisis. The couples best fit to resolve any crisis are those who talk to each other openly and learn how to "hold on and let go".