Rambilngs Weblog

The other day I found out that my head teacher, wants to review what I am doing in the class room and I packing shit. I was nervous when the principal decided that she needed to review what i was doing last year, and now people want to come and see me again. how am I going to cope and what right do they have to say that i am not doing a good job. what makes them such an expert. i know that they have much more experience than me, but that does not mean i don't know what i am doing. who knows what is going to happen, but after lat year, i so don't trust any one that i work with. instead of supporting me and standing beside me, they are very good at eroding my confidence and not letting me believe in myself. it sometimes feel as though they do everything in their power to under estimate me. i just know that i can come through this and that i am going to show them just what sort of teacher i can be

This family has finally rid itself of the dreaded chicken pox virus. We have been shunned by society for over a month but now we are loving accepted with open arms. People who have served me in shops for over 7 years would not even touch the money I laid on the counter, even though I was no longer contagious. The spots have made me ugly and some have even left scars although I know that, that is my own fault. Believe it when your parents say that you should not scratch.

The kids dealt with it much better than I did. They thought that it was one big holiday. The loved the idea of having fun and spending time doing what ever they wanted. They got to spend time with their dad during the week. which is almost unheard of and they played computer games all day - something that is totally forbidden. I on the other hand was so sick that I could not lift my head off the pillow for a week, and I am only now, 3 weeks later starting to get my strength back.

Today I found a spot, not unusual as I head into the week that holds my periods. But paranoia has set in. What happens if this is the start of it all over again. I could not go through it. I don't think that my body could even stand up to. I was sick the last time. How much can a body go through before it absolutely shuts down, and if that happens what happens next?

My husband thinks that it is funny that this is what I am worried about when people are starving in the world. But I don't think that I would be able to cope, and doesn't a personal crisis always take on bigger significance than things that are happening to other people? Its not that I am unthinking its just that I need things to be personal before they are on my mind constantly.

What happens next is up to the gods, I just hope that they are kind to me.

My husband has just taken my son to his 2nd game of football (rugby league). He loves the sounds and smells of being at the ground and his coach thinks that he will make an excellent winger or centre. I can't believe that he is old enough to play, but he loves the game and I can't deny him the opportunity. The problem is what do I say to my mother in law who thinks that all boys sports are dangerous and that children should not be playing sport at all for fear of injury. My husband was denied this opportunity and has always regretted this. The other question that I have is am I just letting him play for my own satisfaction or will he love the game all his life.

Footie here is big buisness, little boys want to grow up and be like their heros in the NRL, which is not always a good thing. This men do nothing to promote respect for women or themselves and few of them are worthy of hero worship but that is who these little boys want to be. They go out each weekend and pretend to be someone else. What will happen when they grow up and realise that their someone else has flaws just like any human being. Will my son hate my for making him hero worship a person no better than himself.

And what about my husband is that fact that he was denied a chance to prove himself on the field mean that my son has to play for the both of them. That is a lot for a 5 year to cope with. Will he grow up and resent the fact that his father who has no experience in this arena tell him how he should be playing the game. Will he come to respect his coach and the people he plays with more than any other person in his life, or am I setting him up for a life of male bonding so strong that he can not respect anyone.

I think that my husband's biggest regret was the chance to have something that he could share just with his father. There was no dad on the sideline shouting to "keep going" and "you can do it". And because of this will my husband not know how to respond to being a spectator. It has a distinct role that people should know before they are allowed out there. Something to do with not hurting people's feelings and ensuring that the whole team is supported with shouts of encouragment. Will he be able to do this if he himself does not have a role model?

They have just gone off to footie, I hope they win and I hate the fact that I am not there to support my son. But sometimes a father and son need to have a moment when it is just the two of them and this is what it is all about. This is the first step towards a son leaving his mother's protective arms and travelling in the world by himself. I know one thing for sure, come next week I am going to be there with bells on.

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Life does not make us change, and the people around you do not necessarily make you change. Change comes from within us, and it can come slowly or as fast as lightening. Some days you wake up and are sure that they are all similar. That work is there and that the people who you will interact with during the day are not going to change. Then there are the other days when you wake up and you know, that something profound has happened over night and that today of all days is going to be different.

Thats what makes life worth living. The fact that we never really know what is going to happen from one day to the next, and when we may wake up with the knowledge that today is going to be our day for change. I always wonder which day I am in for and know that no matter what, there are still going to be people that really don't like you (for what ever reason they may have)

And so goes my life at work, I love the job that I do but the people there are so fake and I am waiting for one of them to burst with the effort of putting on a show. I am waiting for them to wake up one day and realise that this is the day that they will be making a big change, they just have to be brave enough to do it. I am waiting for them to "exhale" and become real.

When this will happen is anyones guess? It seems that they all need to be smarter than the person sitting next to them and believe more in the bullshit that they are fed. They need to understand every aspects of the office's politics and become involved, so involved in fact that they are no longer able to think for themselves. I just hope that I never end up like that. I don't want to know about everything, I want to do the job that I love in peace and to the best of my ability with out all the bull shit that can be associated with it. Maybe one day I will get my wish............................

Life changes for no reason, and you are no longer the person you once were. Life moves forward and if the people in your life don't move with you than you tend to leave them behind. But what happens if the person you want to leave behind is that one that promised to love you until you were dead. The one who promised that life would be easier just because they were there each day. I have friends who have each asked themselves this question, and while answers are not always easy to come by, each have answered this question in their own way.

University was suppose to open up opportunities that would benefit the both of us, and life was meant to be easier when I had a high paying job, the problem was that in those few short years I changed and started to enjoy more things and he stayed the same. The same likes and dislikes, the same prejudice and distrust of things that were foreign and the same wnats and needs from life. Along the way came children and they now have to factor into any decision that I make but as I sit here and contemplate the future all I want to do is scream from the depths of my soul, WHAT ABOUT ME?????

The problem is that marriage like alot of things in life was never meant to be easy. I now understand why people wait until their 30's and 40's before tying the know. By then they would have some clear idea about who they are and what they want. People from the generation before mine work hard at marriages that are dead and stale but in my generation and the mood of the here and now people are more willing to let things go. Do I keep this mentality and move on or do I stay and fight for a man that I love?

My friends are all willing to offer advice. Some can't believe that the person I describe is the same person that they know. They don't understand that behind close doors he loves to have arguements just for the sake of arguing. To them he loves laughing and having a good time. What do you say to them? You don't know what you are talking about, much less understand my perspective on this. And I have seen what they do to people in his family when they walk out on their marriage. They become the black sheep, the unwanted intruder. Am I willing to play this role and what effect will it have on my children?

As I sit here and contemplate my future, I know that I do not have all the answers just now and I doubt whether I will have all the answers when the time comes to make a decision. I just hope that I have the courage to truly be the person that I want to be and know that the people around me love me for who I am and what I can achieve. postamble();

Life just can't really get any worst. Some of my best friends in the whole world are going through problems that I never thought they would have, and I really don't know how to help them apart from be their friend. Work is not going just to plan like I like and tonight the man of the house came home and yelled because I'm not a Stepford wife. Life just can't really get any worst.

Take my friend, she seems to have the perfect marriage, they have the most adorable little boy and even though I know they sometime fight, like any good couple they are now having major problems. I just can't help but wonder in this situation, who will be next?

I don't want it to be me, but when people are falling by the wayside what can you think? My life may not be perfect and I may not be the perfect wife, I mean who wants to be. All that time baking would send me insane, but I do try and ensure that my husband and kids have a safe place they can call home. A place where they know they are loved for the person they are, not for what they can achieve. Isn't this what life is all about?  But what happens when you are not the person someone needs you to be and why would anyone say they love you and then decide the person you are is not good enough. I know that marriages brake up just on this idea alone but surely people can look past perfection to know that they are loved and safe.

My family wasn't like this growing up, people were always out for what they could get for themselves. It was rough and brutual. My sisters are close but they had to be, and I had to be tougher, just for the sheer fact that I had to break through the parental ceiling of rules and regulations. So I can't clean, or cook but I am loving and I seem to know what these people I love need just when they need it. Maybe that is one strenght I carry from this awful childhood that was bestowed on me, maybe it is something that I am happily able to pass on to my children. I know they surely don't need my issues.

My daughter is currently sitting and watching her favourite movie. Its based on a fairytale and she just loves it. It may have something to do with the fact that Barbie is involved but everytime I ask her what she wants to watch this undoubtly is her answer. I have no problems with her watching movies, in their place they are a fantastic tool for life, but this one concerns me. As she watches this movie and loves everything about the Prince and Princess being together, I can't help but wonder am I just reinforcing a stereotype that I as her mother should be fighting hard to stop?

In today's society when relationships last less than one minute and single parent families are the norm am I just setting my little girl up for heartbreak and failure, or am I teaching her that dreams can come true and real love does exisit? I now not the answer and really only time will tell about my parenting skills, but I always wanted to set them up with good role models.

And that brings me to another point, if her hero is Barbie, does that mean I am suggesting that real life people actually only find true love when they are perfect, or am I hoping that she will see Barbie for what she is and realise that the stereotype of the perfect women should really lie within all females. I mean women have it hard as it is. We work , and struggle at times to combine family, friends and our relationships into and ever increase scedule. In this movie Barbie seems to be able to do it all and with such ease, as well as looking perfect at the same time. I just wish my life was like that.

Stereotypes are every where so I really don't understand why this movie bothers me so much. What am I expecting that this is the life that she is going to want just because she watched this movie. Or have we become so over protective of our children that imagination and fairytales no longer have a place in our world. Life is not going to stop just because we are looking for someone or something that is perfect, and children's perceptions of perfect are always going to be different to ours.

For now as I struggle with the challenges that I must overcome in my own perceptions, I am going to let her watch this movie and I am going to sit beside her and  hold her when the wicked witch comes and scares us and one day I may just explain that life isn't really like the movies but we have to make the best of what we have.

Some people think that a wedding ring is just a piece of tin. Some sort of chain that links you to another person whether you want to be or not. Some see it as a sign of bondage. Whether you see it as any of these things or something more symbolic, let me let you in on a little secret, it never really means anything until someone takes it away.

Today my wedding ring got taken. Part of the recent argument is that my husband decided that I no longer needed it. Gone within a moment, naked for a day. I kept looking at my finger wishing that it were back there. Stroking the place that it use to be hoping that what ever the problem was we could over come it and I would soon have it back, I would be less naked, that I would again have my link to the man that I love.

Fast forward to the future, the argument is over, the ring is back in place. This small symbol, I now realise means more to me than I can think of, more than I can say. My husband looked at me as I put it back on, the love that flowed through was endless.

To some it may be a piece of tin, to me it symbolises my life, the one I want and the one that I have. It is my link in the chain of love and not something that I am prepared to go without. Nakedness may be sexy, but feeling naked is not something that I wish to feel ever again.

Separation. One word that should be taken out of human existence. My husband uttered this word to me last night and just about killed the world in which I live. The safe world where everything was normal and life kept going even if it wasn’t perfect. I knew that I had someone, anyone in these uncertain times that really believed in me as a person. That knew what my strengths and weaknesses were and allowed me to be human any old time I pleased. I had one person who saw through all the crap I showed to the outside world and loved me anyway.

I kept thinking as he was saying his piece what I had done to deserve this, but as I sit here and write I keep thinking what have I done to avoid this situation. Where did I go wrong or really was it just as the astrology books would have me believe and that we weren’t really suited to each other? You know the ones; Aquarians should only love certain star signs and if you don’t fall into this category here is the big stop sign to say that you are doomed.

Maybe I stopped trying. Life sometimes has a way of making you tired and grumpy, and both these things are not really sexy when you get home. You yell for the wrong reasons, and take out the day’s frustrations out on the one person you know is your true supporter. The one person you know does not understand why you are angry but really cares that just the same. Sometimes that just makes me angrier, especially when I really need him to understand why I am angry.

Last night when that word was uttered to me, I had no idea what to say. What can you say? “No wait, I didn’t mean to be the person that you no longer love”, “I didn’t mean to let life get to me and stop trying”, “I can change”. Who am I kidding and why would I want to change? Life is not going to change for me or make me a different person than the person sitting here. I am who I am and all those people who think change is easy they have no idea what they are talking about. We all think we can do it but realistically if we could no wars would be fought and separation would not be a dirty word.

My son and my husband are playing their favourite game on the Play station, and while they are blowing up the bad guys they continually tell each other where to go next and what to do. My son can tell you anything about this game that you would like to know. He is proud of the fact that he beat “the big guy” and that all of the challenges are no longer challenges to him. Truly these games are teaching him what it means to be a man. That good must always triumph over evil and that even if you know the way and you are good at what you do, keep looking for the next new move that you can master.

The only real problem that I can see with the situation that is presented here is that my son is only able to converse with other people about the goings on of this game. His grandmother, who recently purchased her own play station after my son stayed the night, regularly rings him up on the phone to ask him little tips and hints that she can apply to her own game. This makes my son even prouder that he knows the answer. But my major concern is that he is starting school in a matter of days, and he may not be able to make friends because of the fact that he has few interests outside of this game.

My husband is of the fact that he will grow at school and that he will be able to make friends no matter what happens. But I know that children are unforgiving and that any differences are going to mark him. As I sit here and listen to them play I can’t help but wonder what name he will be labelled with as he makes his way through school. Will it be “tech-head” or “nerd” or something worst? I remember my own school days and I know that I do not want my fate to be his. I try and encourage my son to live life and find people and things that interest him, but I know this will only add extra arsenal with which to be taunted, and besides nothing interests him the way these games do.

We have told him that he is not to mention playing these games at school. What would people think of us if they found out that we let our son shoot people on a regular basis? That we let him play something that is supposed to be beyond his age limit. But as I sit here and think about this concept for him I wonder what he will be able to talk about. Is this just another problem that he will have to overcome in the future, and isn’t this something that he should be proud of. That he can conqueror this game when others have problems with the simplest task, myself included. Should he be asked to cover up his parent’s embarrassment, and are we teaching him the wrong things. Are we teaching him that things at home are never to be spoken about, I mean its not like we are breaking the law here. 

So as I sit here and listen to my husband and son play their favourite game on the Play station I can only hope that the laughter and problem solving skills that my son displays now is something that he will hold on to for the rest of his life. These are the moments that he will always remember. Some father and sons play cricket or footie to bond and this is their way. It will bring their relationship closer and be something that they will always be able to talk about. I just hope that my son will communicate with me in the same way that he does his father at this moment. Who knows maybe this is the start of his great career and he will be happy for the rest of his life playing these games. I mean there could be worst jobs in the world.