Thoughts of the Day
These things are just whizzing round in my mind, so I'm going to release them onto the page, take flight little thoughts... This is mostly going to be self indulgent rubbish, so please feel free to skip reading this entry.
For a while now, I have felt like there is this beacon inside of me, lighting my way forward. Perhaps its faith, or something more primal than that even. It makes me feel strong and tall when its shining brightly. Its warmth makes me feel as though I'm glowing. It lights me up, I smile constantly, I shine. I work like a fury, and produce amazing results. My days pass in a whirl of wonderful, loving, real exchanges with anyone I come in contact with. I feel things. I say what I truly think.
It started last year. I was part of this amazing leadership program. It stretched me in new and interesting ways. It made me take a long hard look at myself. It exposed me to people who gave me incredibly honest feedback about my behaviour. It made me realise that I have an inherent value. It made me realise that I can make a difference to my community, just by being me. By proactively changing those things that I can change, if and when that change is appropriate. I can influence those around me, simply by working with integrity for the best interests of my community.
I felt like I was inherently valuable. I felt really good about me as a person.
Since then, I've been struggling with that. There are days when I don't feel like I have anything to offer. Days when I feel like I am not good at anything, that I can't achieve, that I'm ugly, have a fat butt, and am generally not very interesting.
I got it for a couple of weeks though. The light was beaming, I was walking tall. It felt amazing. I felt pretty. Thats a big one. I felt really pretty.
I can't even pinpoint the moment, you know, when that light started to dim. Right now its just a flicker.
I wish I knew what exactly it was that dimmed my light. Its not so much the professional side of things, on a community level, on a professional level, I'm managing to function reasonably well. Not well, certainly not as well as I would like to be functioning, not to the fullest of my potential, but reasonably well.
Personally, I'm not doing at all well. It has a lot to do with whats been happening with Mr. D. and the watchmaker. There is a part of me that holds that my value is dependent on having the affections of a significant other.
It bruised my ego that Mr. D. got engaged.
The whole watchmaker situation stabs me in the heart.
I can't wait for a time when I have the self worth to hold that feeling of being perfectly fine alone. I had it. I held it in my soul, and it felt like freedom. I was on my own, and I was fine. I was more than fine, I was fan-bloody-tastic. I was revelling in my independence, every moment took on a crisp bright newness that reflected the light beaming from inside of me.
Then I met the watchmaker and I fell back into the trap of basing my sense of worth on what he thought of me. Does he like me? Does he not?
It shouldn't bloody matter.
I LIKE ME. The only person who should be able to toggle the dimmer on my light is me.
How do I wrestle the control back? How do I climb back to the top of the mountain? Now that I know what it feels like to be in that place, that magical place where everything just works, how could I ever be happy to live in this dullness?
I'd like to fight my way out of this mire. Perhaps I just say to myself, self, I am taking back my value. Heart, give it up. It doesn't belong to you. Head, please put this in a safe place, up high, where Heart can't reach it.
Thats not the answer though. Head and Heart do not operate with autonomy. They are creatures that need one another to survive. The symbiotic nature of their relationship is infuriating and impossible.
My head listens. Yes Sass. Sure Sass. Anything you desire Sass.
My heart is like a small child. Yes Sass. Look at me Heart. Yes Sass. Do you understand what I'm asking of you? I like puppies. That isn't what I was asking you. And gumballs, I really like gumballs.
Incorrigible.
My head is quite willing to think that I can take back my worth, stand tall and be the independent woman I pretend to be to the world, with varying degrees of sucess. It knows that I really will be fine on my own.
My heart is bruised, battered and crying out to be held gently in the hands of a loving man. My heart has itself set on the watchmaker playing this role. My heart isn't quite ready to accept the possibility that he isn't interested in me. My poor pathetic heart is leaving itself open to yet again being dropped, and perhaps even ground underfoot by someone who doesn't recognise the value of the gift it is giving.
Perhaps it is this struggle that is taking up so much of my energy. Perhaps there is only a finite amount of energy within me, and by spending so much of it trying to re-synchronise my heart and head, the light suffers from deminished supply.
I am at a loss. I am lost. I am dimmed. I am determined. I am going to shine again. I'm just not sure when that will be.
I feel better for having gotten it out.
