All The Small Things

Mood: Confused, disassociated...

Hi y'all. A warning first up. I've been pondering this stuff for the last week or so... and it has disturbed my sleep and nearly every aspect of my life.

I can only imagine that this entry is going to be rather long, incoherent and complicated - so if you are in a hurry, don't start.

Ok - seatbelts on, lets rock.

 

I have been focusing for some time now on the importance of both men and sex in my life. You have been with me on the journey through the whole "Casual Sex Guy" thing and consequent backfire, and have had to be party to my almost constant whinging regarding the lack of suitable men in my life. I have subjected my friends and family to my sooking, and have set them the task of "finding me a man". I have set my sights on a number of unattainable, or alternatively, unsuitable partners. I have made a number of bad decisions, none of which I regret per se, however I do consider them to be learning experiences.

I just realised how completely stupid that all was.

(Yes - I know how obscene it is that it has taken me sooo long to figure it out! I can only point to my youth and relative inexperience at being "single" in all senses of the word)

I had a epiphany last night at the pub. An odd place for everything to come together I guess, but there you go.

So I'm in the pub, and the guy I'm interested in was there. And he was stoned. He was totally rude to me, and left without saying goodbye after about an hour of chatting away quite friendly. What an eyeopener. I've never seen him on drugs - so what a gift to see him in this new light. I am definitely NOT interested in persuing anything with him.

Earlier in the night, my friends partner came in and quite loudly proclaimed that I had "been at the wrong pub!" as another guy I'm interested in (there are a few!!) had been at the other pub drinking and he could have "got us together" if I'd been down there. Guy #1 heard every word, and there was a definite change in his demeanor after this conversation. Again - an eyeopener.

My reaction was one of initial embarassment. I was embarassed to be caught talking about one in front of the other.

Why do I put so much effort in to the whole men thing?

Here are my conclusions.

Sex. I really enjoy it. But it isn't the same if you don't have true feelings for the person that you are with. Perhaps the "backfire" with Bloke really was a blessing. That situation never felt tawdry. However, I'm really not interested in having random sex with random people. There is nothing to be gained from that. There is no redeeming feature in that. I'm not that sort of girl.

I think sex isn't what I am really seeking. Its affection. That delicious feeling of being connected to someone. The feeling that warms your blood and makes every other thing in your life fade into insignificance.

And if I seek affection, or dare I say it, love, what then am I doing? Surely these things will appear in their own good time - and at a time when I am ready and able to accept them? They cannot be forced, or created from nothing. Affection must be genuine, spontaneous, and freely given. There is nothing trite or untrue about real affection. Having experienced true love, I know I will never settle for less.

So why does it appear that I am so set on settling?

Lets face it. I'm not at that point where I am willing to enter into a situation that offers that level of feeling yet. Any relationship that came my way right now I'd stuff up. I'm not emotionally stable enough to deal with a "real" relationship. Or maybe I am, and it just scares the shit out of me, so I am doing my best to avoid getting too close to anyone.

I don't know. It's getting late. I'm heading off to think more on this stuff. Your opinions are more than welcome though - all clarity seems to have slipped away from me.