All The Small Things

I have heard it said that the opposite of love is fear.

Not anger. Not hatred.

Fear.

 

So am I afraid of falling in love?

Its interesting you know. Two days ago, when I wrote that last post, I was absolutely terrified. I was thinking about the pain that I'd experienced in the past, the potential that GM had to harm me. The rawness of my heart, and how exposed I felt. How terribly terribly vulnerable.

I guess a couple of days has allowed those feelings to wear off a little. Or maybe I've just decided that on the balance, even taking into account the pain that I've experienced in the past, this relationship is worth it.

Have you ever heard that song, "The Dance"? Its by Garth Brooks. It was Mr. D. and my song, way back in the day. It completely sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.

Today I'm feeling more settled about the whole thing.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.

When you think about it, thats the crappest song that you could possibly choose as "your song". It just screams THIS RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEDDDDD!!!

(Hey Look! The song was right! LOL) 

Mmmm. Yummy. Steaming hot irony.

 

Where was I? Right you are...

I look back on the relationships that I have had in the past. Not the silly little ones, I'm not talking about "play" relationships here. I'm talking about the big ones.

The first guy with whom I fell desperately in love. The rather spectacular and public ending that ensued. Would I have changed it, if I knew? Knowing now what I know now? NO.

No I wouldn't have. Was it embarassing and crushing and horrific? Yes. Did it take me a long time to get over? Yes. Was it the hardest thing I'd ever done? At the time, yes. Did it almost break me? Yes.

But...

Did it make me grow up, become strong and teach me some incredibly valuable lessons? Yes. Did it shape the person that I am today? Without a doubt. Did it stop me from seeking out happiness? NO! Did I score some excellent bling? YES!

On the balance, in the long term, a positive life experience for me personally.

 

Mr. D.: Would I have changed it, if I had known what I know now? No. No I wouldn't have. I loved every minute of our relationship. I love our daughter. I love the gifts that he gave me - independence, honesty, integrity, and trust. I love that our relationship was the catalyst that made me the person that I am today. I really like the person that I am now.

OK, so right now is a bit on the shite side.

But again, on the balance, in the long term, a positive.

 

GM: I know this feeling. This feeling is foetal stage love.

I would love to have some sort of written, iron clad agreement that I'm not going to get hurt, and that I won't hurt him. God knows, that is just as bad, hurting someone that you care for. But I'm not going to get it.

So instead, I will focus on enjoying every single minute of this cloud floating, dream sequence, ever so slightly enebriated feeling that is love.

I don't know how this is going to end.

But I'm willing to take the chance and hope like hell that it doesn't end.

 

In related news and talking about things that never end, I puppy sat for my little brother this weekend. I have never seen a little dog produce so much crap. Seriously. My delightful dad said that he's a Turner. He turns food into crap. A never ending sausage of crap.

There is a reason that I do not have a dog at my house. It is a four letter word starting with SH and ending in IT and it is from one end of my yard to the other. Ewwwwwwwww.