All The Small Things

Mood: Sigh, Sigh, Sigh - need I say more?
Listening to: StarFM - Stupid AusMade

Life is Complicated.

Not so harsh as the classic line "Life is Difficult", but more apt for the troubles I now find myself in. Deep Troubles. Dare I capitalise... Yes I believe I do... DEEP TROUBLES. Ahh. *Sigh* That feels better.

Men.

Bloody Men.

I thought I had my little situation sorted out. I have in the past been guilty of making the most incredibly stupid mistakes in my love life. Most of these mistakes were caused by one thing. Sex. The root of all evil - pardon the pun.

I am a girl who enjoys it. I won't (nay - I cannot) deny that I enjoy it. I'm not out there doing it with just anyone, I'm certainly not promiscuous, however, I enjoy having regular sex. Heck - I'm not the only one in the world who enjoys it, surely! In the past I have had the blessing of having a partner who was accomodating enough to meet my needs on a regular, satisfying, and sometimes inventive, basis.

Being single however, has presented its own unique issues. I know from past experience that I don't make the best decisions about the men that I date when I am... well... shall we say, frustrated. In fact, I make TERRIBLE decisions. I bring in people with whom I am not even remotely compatible, with whom I then practice the age-old, time-honoured reciprocating art of "Make Me Miserable". Married people have been doing it for years, or so I'm told! This would be yet another nod towards my tendancy to allow men to skip the "dating" part of the relationship, and straight into "couch time". If I allow it? I think thats a liberty that is just taken, not approved by management as it were.

Anyway - my point was that I make terrible decisions. So this time, armed with that little gem of self-awareness, I decided to make a proactive stance against the otherwise inevitably poor next-partner selection. I enlisted the aid of a gentleman of my aquaintance, who was not a close friend, but of whom I had some knowledge, and I asked him if he'd be interested in coming to an arrangement with me, whereby we would use each other for gratuitous (and I hoped) excellent sex, with no committment.

Actually that was the big bit. No Committment. I had already decided, based on my knowledge of this person that he would not be "my type" and nor would I be his. Thus circumventing the "I love you breed with me" response, while ensuring the "Sleep with Me" response that was desired. Naturally - because I am both hot and modest LOL - he agreed.

We had a long and involved discussion about how it would work, that he was not to meet Nicky, that he was only welcome in my home when she wasn't with me, that this wasn't going anywhere, and how I wasn't interested in dating, etc. etc. etc. All was agreed, it was AGREED.

And now - after meeting up only ONCE - he has decided that he likes me. I mean really. Really???

*Righteous Indignation*

Whats the story there??? Surely I'm not that likable! In which case he's entered into this arrangement under false pretences! Or perhaps I am that likable, and just totally misread what kind of guy he was, that I am really his type. *sigh* I can't even choose a casual sex guy with any sort of success. I suck at this stuff!

And the worst part of it? He is actually the sort of guy that I SHOULD date. He's kind and gentle, he cuddles (ohmygod!) and he treats me with respect. He reads, of his own volition, books - not hunting magazines. BOOKS. God that's sexy. And - this is the best part - he's really very bright.

That sounds condecending doesn't it! Well - this is nothing against the guys that I have dated - but they haven't been the sharpest tools in the shed. Most of the boys I've dated (and granted there hasn't been a lot - so perhaps my sample group isn't representative of males as a whole) don't read. Or they read magazines. For the pictures, let me assure you now. And reading is something that gives me a lot of joy. I love to dive into a great story, and its nice to speak to someone who doesn't think I have three heads because of it!

This guy is intelligent. Can - and more importantly will - discuss ideas with me. We've had conversations on issues of emotion, familial relationships, finance, politics, literature, art. I don't know. He's not educated per se, but he's smart. And practical. He's funny. And he calls just to say hi. Even though he hates the telephone. He came over last night - even though he knew that sex wasn't on offer - and just cuddled me all night. He even watched Big Brother with me. (Yes I know its mind numbing - Its my ONE guilty pleasure OK!?!?)

I've been in long term committed relationships with men who didn't cuddle me all night. I LOVE that. And I didn't even ask him to - he just likes to hold me. A) thats really unusual in my experience and B) HOORAY!! LOL.

But now I don't know what to do. When he said that he really liked me, I didn't quite know how to react to that. I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I really think that I need some time to just figure out who it is that I am, what I want, why I want it. I want to really know that I am making the right decisions for me, and for Nicky. That was the whole point of this debarcle anyway. So that I could make the RIGHT decision for once. *sigh*

And he is gentle. Really gentle. I don't think I've ever been treated as gently. In all different sorts of ways. My girlfriend asked my why he wasn't boyfriend material. Well, before, I would have said that he was too rough, not very switched on, and not super attractive.

He's not a great looking guy, to be honest. But at the same time, now that I've spent time with him, there is something attractive, and vulnerable about him, something in his eyes maybe. Yet there's great strength in him too. He really knows who he is already. But its like he understands what it's like to not know yourself. And yet in some ways he's quite unsure of himself, he asks advice on the funniest things - what should I wear - what sort of stuff should I use on my face? Cute and funny. Funny ha ha - not funny odd.

But things that I was expecting to be rough about him simply aren't. He works outdoors, but his hands are softer than mine. They're still man-hands, but they aren't all calloused and gross, they're nice. And he's got this perennial 5 o'clock shadow. He's been shaving before he comes to see me, but last night he didn't, and even that wasn't rough. (He didn't shave cos his face was sore from shaving - its not something he used to do a lot!) It was really weird, it was the softest hair I've ever felt - like a person with a shaved head who's just conditioned it, that smooth softness. And his skin! I wish my face was that soft!! (God - I sound like a leather handbag!!LOL) But his skin is like baby soft. Crazy. And totally unexpected.

I don't know what to do - so I just asked if we could not do anything for a while. Thats a pathetic response I know - but he was OK with it. And we discussed that I really wasn't looking for a relationship, and how complicated that would make things. I even told him that I really hadn't expected him to like me - thats why I'd asked him! He said he hadn't expected to really like me either, as much as he did. And I let him know that I did like him - I wasn't expecting to, yet I do. And I'm coming to terms with that. Its like you get into the mindset that something is going to be a certain way, then when it changes you need a little while to adjust the brain. I guess we were pleasantly surprised with each other.

Life Is Complicated.

But - better than the Bold & the Beautiful no?

Blogging through the quagmire that is my life,

Sass.