All The Small Things

Mood: Tired
Listening to: TV

Well, just to settle one thing before we start... I didn't ask out Guy #2. And not because I'm a big sooky sooky la la, (well, ok, maybe a little for that reason!) but really because I haven't seen him. At all. Its like he fell off the planet.

Or perhaps because I fell off the planet.

For a week anyway.

Let me explain... You may want to get a coffee and a tim tam or two for this.

And for ease of reading, and to allow you to share this journey more easily with me, events and emotions shall be recorded as they unfolded...

So where did we leave off on this saga that is my life? Ah yes... the non-date with Shane.

He. He. He. (Take that as an ironic, perhaps even sardonic, laugh). I'm sure that the boys in the room will be really unsurprised by this, perhaps even the girls will be unsurprised. Perhaps I am the most unaware, unintelligent, dare I say... retarded... girl in the world.

It was a date my friends. It was definitely a date.

I arrived at Shanes place, where he was all done up to the nines. Well, maybe not that bad, but where I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he was in a rather dressy collared shirt.

This shall hereby be referred to as the ***First Warning Sign***

We headed off to our movie, which for the record was "The Fourty Year Old Virgin". I don't know if you've seen it, but it is bloody hilarious. Particularly the waxing scene. I laughed so hard I cried, literally. However what really amused me the most was how absolutely embarrassed by the whole thing Shane was. The look of shock on his face, and the constant apologies for the crudeness of the subject matter told me two things.

1) He was very Very VERY unaware of my feelings on matters sexual. Do I strike any of you as the type of girl who would be even slightly embarassed by risque jokes? (Thats a NO people.)

2) He is a prude. Alternatively, he likes me. Likes me likes me. Boys in my experience do not get embarassed talking about sex with girls with whom they do not desire to have sex. Conversely, if you wish to have sex with me, you will NOT wish to discuss the act with me. Or in this case, have it in 40 foot technicolour in front of you. So I took alternative two, he likes me.

I would like to point out right here and now that HA! I am not completely hopeless and clueless when it comes to all men, only when it comes to Guy #2. See - I can read the signals!!! Yay!

After the movie, we took a walk out to get dinner. It was pretty late and the restaurants were closing up, so we grabbed some Chinese takeaway and went back to his place. Let me say now that Shane has the coolest coolest house ever. Its his mum's house, he rents it from her, and she decorated it. I really like Shanes mum. She's a nice lady, and stylish. I don't think I fully appreciated how stylish until I stepped into Shanes house. Home Beautiful has nothing on this place.

So we sat up at the sleek dining ensemble, and ate our Chinese. Then we sat on the styling leather chaise and talked for a while, bout this and that. Same as always. We stuck on a DVD (The Southpark Movie - how romantic!) and sat on the couch watching it. What can I say, Wendy and Stan, Satan and Sadam, the romance overtook us, one thing led to another... etc.

I shall spare you the gory details, as new information regarding my poll has come to light - turns out all those desperado's wanting to hear about my sex life were actually just my best friend being a dag! Thanks Tink!

Mmm. So there we are, rather hot and heavy, and he says, Ok, thats enough.

Sorry???

No really? Sorry???????????????? What the???

Turns out Shane; and I quote: "Doesn't usually do that, actually, has never done that before. No, not has never done that, but not on the first date. Never been one to just pick up girls to sleep with them."

This shall be known as the ***Second Warning Sign***

I have to say, he didn't behave like he didn't "do that" on a first date. And my first reaction was one of incredulous disbelief.

And then... Well, one thing really did lead to another. And yes, Ok, I admit it. I may have behaved in a manner that could be construed as coercive. But I stand by it. I ask you:

Was it really our first date?? No.

Am I just some random girl that he's just picked up?? No.

I know it was wrong of me. I just didn't know HOW wrong it was going to be.

Somewhat later in the evening... "I love spending time with you."  "You make me happy." "I think I'm falling for you." And so on.

This, with large, flashing, red and blue and orange lights, is...

***THE THIRD WARNING SIGN***

Not that it wasn't good or anything, just that I really don't feel that way for Shane. I don't know. Sex for me isn't as connected to how I feel about the person that I'm with as perhaps it should be. Or perhaps in this case it was more about wanting what (he said) I couldn't have. I'm really going to have to reassess this. Its stuff for another post anyway. Or I may just be able to take down blogigo singlehandedly with the sheer weight of this one!

We met up again the next day, where we had a serious discussion. All comments in ***The Third Warning*** had rather freaked me out, as I did not want to be in a serious relationship. I want the freedom to persue Guy #2, as I had previously discussed with Shane, and I just like my freedom full stop. I don't want to give that up yet. Ok, no worries he says.

Right, so lets just clarify exactly what this is then. We will be moving nice and slow, we'll be friends, this is not going to be exclusive, this is not going to be serious, this is going to be slow.

No worries, we'll just go slow, see where it goes, build our relationship. (Build our relationship?? Who talks like that seriously?? It would be warning four, but I was giggling too much to hear the bells)

I also, at some stage, asked him to the charity screening with me.

So my Friday night at the charity screening turned out to be quite different to what I expected, in that Shane was my date rather than Guy #2.

Ah, Friday.

Let us start with me dashing home to change, do makeup, and duck down to the pub to sell raffle tickets in the chook raffle held every Friday at the Vic. This I had arranged to do the week before, and actually the timing worked out quite well.

You may remember Guy #2 saying:

"Will you be here next Friday? (Yes) Excellent, I'll see you here at four thirty, five o'clock then? (YES!!!)

So I arrived at the pub, with the expectation that Guy #2 would arrive at four-thirty, five o'clock and that I would see him there on my arrival at five. I was ready to see him. I'd been working up to it all day. I wasn't even going to be nervous... well... maybe a little nervous... but not beetroot shaking puking nervous. Cute nervous. And because of the charity screening, I had the perfect excuse to get a bit dressed up.

So in I come at five, looking the goods if I do say so myself, and no Guy. So I did what I went to do, and sold a bucketload of tickets (shock horror, in a pub full of dirty stinky men who weren't Guy #2, and me all done up!).

I left at 6, and no Guy #2. Stood me up. Bastard. You can imagine how crushed and peeved that I was at this point.

The contrast between being stood up and being dated by Shane can only be described as marked. Shane opens doors, walks on the curb side, and he is attentive. Thats quite flattering really, and pleasant. Particularly after being stood up. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.

I drove into town and picked Shane up. He was also looking pretty fine. We made rather a handsome couple as we swept down the stairs and into the reception at the Cinema. We had the obligitory wine / beer / nibbles. We met up with my mum and her friend, and chatted to them for a while. Did I mention that my mum is Shanes Godmother? Mmm. Sexy. LOL.

I had warned Shane that my mum would be there and to please behave, however, I'm beginning to think that he doesn't listen to a damn word I say. We got into the theatre, and despite my mum sitting right next to us, he held my hands, rubbed my leg, made kissy faces at me. Subtle.

After the film we went for a walk down the road, and got some dinner. Walking down the street was a whole new experience. I think I managed to disengage from his arms (one round my waist, one holding my hand) for about 2 minutes out of the 20 minutes we were walking. I have never met a man who wants to be in physical contact CONSTANTLY like that. Its truly truly odd. I think that there must be girls out there who like that. Hell, there was a time when I probably would have liked that, but not anymore. I rather like having my own space around me. Not that I don't like being touched, holding hands is lovely. I just don't need to be physically supported as we walk along the street. I have legs. At this point I was feeling a little smothered. I made the reminder, "We are taking things slowly slowly Shane" "Yeah" I don't think that he had registered what I was saying.

I was off to Melbourne the next day, for my girlfriends engagement party (I'll post on that whole trip tomorrow) so I said to Shane that I would speak to him on Monday. He said "When will you be getting home?" "Sunday, and I will speak to you on Monday"

Pretty clear yes?

Apparently not. Despite me seeing him just as I was leaving town at 10am (he was flashing his lights at me as I drove through town, so I stopped to say goodbye) and restating that I would speak to him on Monday, he text messaged me several times over the time I was away, and rang me on Sunday lunchtime.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, but we've been out say, 5 times. Is it normal behaviour for someone whom you are seeing in a casual, non-exclusive, slowly slowly sort of way to do that?

Perhaps it was just that his timing was shit. I drove into the city for example, and my phone didn't go off at all. Yet as soon as I sat down to have a coffee with my friends, the thing was going stupid. Walking down by the river with my friend, it was going stupid. It really got me completely irritated.

When I got back to Sassville, he rang me. He made some sort of funny comment about how him calling and texting must have been annoying, and I said, yes, yes it was bloody annoying. I only went away for two days, and I went to spend time with my friends, not to be answering text messages, or taking phone calls.

(For the record, I responded to only one of the texts, which asked if I was missing him yet. "No!! Having a blast with my friends!!" and I didn't take the call either)

All in all, feeling very smothered by Shane at the moment, thinking that perhaps it would be best just to tell him its too full on, and I can't see him anymore. I've tried to let him know that I need more space, but he doesn't seem to be able to hear me.

I feel like he's looking to me to fill in some gaps in his life, to make him happy. And as flattering as that may be, that he see's me as someone who would / does make him happy, I don't want to be with someone who isn't already happy in themselves.

I finally found my own happiness, and I'm not prepared to be the person who stands in the way of another person finding theirs. I don't want to be anyones crutch.

What do you think?? Suggestions welcome.