All The Small Things

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I'm beginning to wonder if BB is officially the oddest bloke I've ever dated, or if I am just used to dating odd blokes and the normality of this situation is weirding me out because I'M odd.

But then I look back on the numerous conversations that BB and I have had over the last months, and I know that I am the normal one here, and he is the scarred and damaged one.

(Yes, you can re-read that, it wasn't a misprint. Its true. Scary, but true.)

BB has some pretty serious issues, shall we say. Some shitty things have been done to him by the woman that he thought that he would spend the rest of his life with, and that whole situation is being sorted out at the moment. He has some emotional refuse from that situation hanging with him still, but because he acknowledges the issues he's dealing with, has sought help where appropriate, and is willing to talk openly about how he is feeling, I'm ok with him having issues. It would be remiss of me to try to get him to pretend that he doesn't have any issues. He has to work through these things, and the only way to do that is to DO that.

I try to be a supportive girlfriend, you know. I'm a good listener, and I listen to him. For the most part, I just let him say what he needs to say, and reflect back to him what I'm hearing. If he asks for it, I try to give constructive advice - offer a baby step type approach to moving forward. Ask him what he thinks he could do to overcome a certain problem for example, or tell him what I did when I was in a similar situation.

I'm there for him, as trite as that sounds.

 

Which is why I'm feeling slightly peevish this week, the first week of the school holidays.

I hate the school holidays with a passion usually reserved only for the cat across the road that craps in the garden under my bedroom window.

My beautiful Nicky has to go to Mr. D's for the holidays, and I don't get to see her for the whole two weeks - which sucks. Bigtime.

Now, dear BB has an attack of the blues whenever his children go to their mothers for the weekend - he hates being in the house alone, and he just doesn't cope well with that whole thing. We've talked about it lots and lots - I used to be the same way when Nicky wasn't with me, I'd spend hours and hours and hours at work, or at the pub, or anywhere else but here. The difference between having her little self asleep in the room next door, and her not being in the house at all was profound. Its horrible. Its unsettling. Its lonely. Its just the most revolting thing. I really really miss her. Its like losing a limb almost. There's this gaping empty hurting hole in your life.

So I would have thought that BB would have had some empathy for how I would be feeling over these two weeks, and made the effort to see me a little bit. But he hasn't.

And despite knowing that he's sick, (he's deep into week three of what I'm sure is more than the flu, but he won't take time off work to go to the doctors) and that he's doing rediculous hours for the first three days of this week in order to take time off in the last two days, I am a bit miffed that he hasn't seen his way clear to... well... see me.

The worst part is that he's having the last two days of the week off to care for his children, (which is a fantastic example of what an incredibly awesome and devoted father he is) but ten to one he won't include me in whatever they are doing - he'll spend the time one on one with them.

It isn't that I grude him spending the time with his kids, or the time at work. I really respect him for working so hard so that he can have the time to be with his kids - lots of parents wouldn't do that, particularly when they were ill.

But surely it isn't too much to ask to be included somewhere in there? Dinner after work maybe. Sleeping over one night. A picnic lunch on one of the days with his kids. Something. Anything.

I always thought that if you care for someone, then you make room for them in your life.

I guess I've never dated anyone with kids before, so there is some getting used-to to do there. And it is a major adjustment - I've only ever dated really keen blokes who wanted to spend oodles of time with me... too much time in lots of cases. I know from my own experience that you can't spend as much time with someone when you have a child to care for - I'm not saying that he should give up time with his kids, and I would never ask him to do that.

(If he asked me to give up time with Nicky I'd tell him to take a running jump)

What I do want is for the person that I am with to value the time that we spend together highly enough to make it a priority. I want to be towards the top of their list.

Do you think that that is a reasonable thing to ask?