All The Small Things

Late last week my wonderful Ellvis came out to stay... he does that one or two nights a week.

And we were chatting away about some rubbish or other, and he said "Well, when I move out here blah blah blah..."

I pulled him up  - What do you mean when you move out here?

Well, he says, I've been thinking about it. About us. About us moving in together.

Wow.

Didn't really see that coming... Not so soon I mean.

And we had a talk about it - I can see it happening, but it will take quite a bit of planning and organising and thinking through clearly.

I love that about Ellvis. He understands that we can't just go "Lets move in" and do it the next day.

We've both got things we need to get sorted before we move in with each other though. I really want to get on top of my financial situation. This is the year I get debt free. I'm on the way.

Ellvis has to get his situation sorted out with his children and his ex.

We figure that by June or July we should be able to start talking to the kids about it, sitting down with them and figuring out house rules and all that sort of stuff.

I've been doing some research into moving into a blended family situation. Its complicated!!!

I just really want to make sure that we don't do what Mr. D and HER did, which was really poor. They just threw everyone into the mix, and they don't allow time for the biological parent to spend with their biological child/ren. They also didn't allow any time to ensure that the non-biological kids got along with the non-biological parent...

Ellvis spends a fair bit of time with us, so he and Nicky have had a lot of opportunities to spend time together and get to know each other. She just loves him, and he really likes her for her. Thats so important!! He likes her for her own sake, not just because she's mine!

I don't know his boys that well unfortunately - they aren't there that often, and I've been careful not to intrude too much into their time with their dad. I ask their permission to stay the night on their weekends for example. I said to Ellvis that I'd really like to concentrate more on getting to know them better, so that if and when we move in they know me and I know them.

I really want to make sure that Ellvis has time with his boys one on one, and that I have time one on one with Nicky.

So we figure six months to get the kids used to the idea, look for a place and get the house rules sorted.

 

Obviously this is all conjecture and chat at the moment, but gosh golly me, its so lovely to be with someone who brings this stuff up in advance, and says, hey, lets talk about this and figure out what we need to do to make this work in the future.

La la la I'm a happy little vegemite!!

We're currently experiencing strong winds, and the fire front is just 30km from here.

30km used to seem like a lot, you know. Until those poor peoples lives were wiped out by a fire storm that travelled 25km in 15 minutes.

I doubt that a fire would travel that FAST to get here, but certainly that far. Easily that far. And in this wind, certainly not slow.

Frightened. Worried.

Thinking I should have packed Nicky in the car and taken her to my parents house where it is absolutely safe and out of the zone. She's in bed now.

Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm probably overreacting.

They've been strengthening containment lines all day... but I don't know. This wind.

The wind is scaring the hell out of me.

So been doing a bit of thinking lately about the nature of exes.

Ellvis's ex is a full fledged, no holds barred, unbelievably bad, makes me want to preface her title with a few f-bombs, BITCH.

Seriously. The woman takes an insane delight in making his life difficult, and has no qualms whatsoever about using the children as weapons. She farms them out to other people so she can get drunk every weekend they are supposed to stay there - what kind of mother does that every weekend??? Fuck, she gets every second weekend to do that, and that isn't enough??? Please.

My ex, by comparison, is like one of those dreams that you wake up from feeling shit, but you can't really put your finger on what the exact problem was. Not a nightmare, per se, just a crap dream. But at the same time, remote and not really connected to your reality and without any power to actually interfere with you or hurt you.

(and keep in mind that this is how I feel Right Now and probably won't last!)

 

Last night Ellvis and I took our children to a concert which goes by teh name of a day on the green... it was great - I understand they are held everywhere, so if you get the chance, go.

We were invited by the SISTER of Ellvises EX.

I harboured serious concerns about this I have to say. I felt that perhaps we were getting used - one sure way to get up his EX's nose would be to befriend us. The sister and the Ex had a falling out at some point not so long ago, and since then she's started talking to Ellvis again... it just seemed a little sus the timing of the whole thing.

And if that was her intention, it would have worked a treat. Because Ellvises EX came in after us, saw us, and seated herself slightly in front of us. Where she would have to walk past us to get to the beer tents for example. Or the merchandise tents. Or any of teh food venues.

I hate being in the same space as her. I don't know her, but it just feels like she just poisons the air around her with bitterness and malcontent.

But her sister turned out to be really lovely, and we had a great time.

I guess the moral to this story is that EX's are generally assholes or bitches in varying degrees depending on how much effort they put into ruining your life... and its great to make new friends as long as you keep to neutral subjects and don't give away too much personal information.

 

In other news, I went along to see a counsellor the other day to deal with my work issues. She told me that I'm moderately depressed, and has put me on some herbal remedy three times a day. She's also got me doing free writing and meditation.

I am yet to find the time to do either of those last things, but I can strongly recommend the herbal remedy - its stopped me crying (only once today and I was reading a sad book, so thats fair enough I think...), and I feel so much more in control. Its like it takes the edges off... not in a bad way, just enough to let you get back on top of your life again.

I fucking hate being told that I have depression though - even if it is "just" moderate.

Naturally, the opinion of the best counsellor in the biggest town near Sassville wasn't good enough for yours truly, so I turned to the interwebs for assistance. I took a depression test on a certified mental health website though, and thats exactly what it said. Your score is 26, 26-30 means Moderate depression.

My friends are asking me "Do you think you are depressed?"

How the fuck do you answer that?

Do I cry all the time for no good reason?

Do I get angry and sad and worried for no apparent reason and can't control it?

Do I feel so bloody trapped and hopeless sometimes that I just want OUT?

Yes, those things.

But I kindof thought that was pretty normal.

Its just that lately, I'm not coping so well with that stuff. I don't know HOW to. And because of that I feel like an utter failure. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter when I can't even get my head around my own shit?

Thats why I wanted to leave my job, not coping with the emotional shit.

Thats why I ended up bawling my eyes out at the counsellors office.

So I guess, YES. Yes I do think I've been depressed. And I will be damned if I'm going to sit on my arse and spiral.

So I'm quitting the stupid committees that I'm on that I'm not enjoying anymore. I'm quitting the course that I didn't really want to do in teh first place, instead I'm going to enroll in something that INTERESTS ME.

Life is not a dress rehersal. Its the real thing.

 

Ellvis has just been a rock through the past month or so, when I've been getting a bit ordinary to say the least. He's so supportive - not trying to fix me, just riding it out with me.

I start back at work tomorrow with a whole new ethos. I am here because I am good at my job, not to cop whatever shit people want to throw at me. My job has limits and boundaries, which are important and will be enforced. I will not feel guilty for not being super bloody woman. She doesn't exist!

For example:

I just received news that I got a grant for $25K for renovations at work. I had applied for $50K.

So instead of feeling like a failure for only getting half... despite the information that no one got funded more than that, and that I was the only one in our town to get funded...

I am going to use my time tomorrow leveraging more funding from our other funding bodies. I will get my $50K because I am bloody good at what I do. I am not a failure.... I just have to get that track to stop running through my head all the time.

I don't know that this makes any sense at all. But my counsellor would be impressed - free writing!!! Yay!!!

And now its one am and I should most definitely without a doubt be in bed and asleep. She's right you know, I do feel better for getting all of that out of my head. Weird. I knew it... but its the un-editedness that is interesting. Usually I'd go back over and make sure that this whole thing made at least a little bit of sense. I'm not bothering tonight... but I fully reserve the right to do so in the future!!!