All The Small Things

And I'm not.

 

Are you proud of me?

So I'm still working on the whole getting over BB thing.

I love him.

I want to be with him.

And what has been happening lately has been destructive to both of us.

My self esteem has reached new levels of lowness (now there's a study in grammar for you), and I have just lost that happy vibe that I was so enjoying not that long ago.

So I'm going to try to get that back.

And I'm going to try really hard not to call him anymore.

I've been practicing my guitar, and I'm getting better. My fingers hurt like buggery though.

That's been helping.

And I'm going to start texting my friends whenever I feel like texting him.

That should work out ok I think, especially in this lead up to the silly season.

And I think maybe I will just keep a low profile pub wise for a while.

As much fun as I had last weekend, I really wonder if it isn't just a way of avoiding spending some time dealing with the loss that has happened in my life lately.

Which is exactly what I want other people in my life to stop doing.

So I think maybe I'll hang at home. Feather my nest a little. Enjoy the time that I have with Nicky. Practice my guitar. Finish renovating that new wardrobe that I got. Clean out my garage. Keep my garden alive.

And hopefully, I'll get back to a point where I'm happy in myself again, and I will forget about BB.

 

I don't know that I'll stop feeling for him though. I love him.

 

Its not that I feel less complete without him, I'm a complete person on my own.

Its more that when I'm with him, I feel like a better version of me.

Its hard going back to being an analogue signal after seeing oneself in HD.

 

And that is quite enough of that.

Back to practicing my G and D.

D and G.

G and D.

D and G.

"I bought my first real six string, bought it at the Sassville Hall, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of 2007"

I'm so muscial etc.

Last night I went to the pub to watch the election and gloat as Kevvy O'Sevvy won and drink a bit and eat a lot.

Turns out that I am the only Rudd lover in Sassville.

 

So I changed to plan B and ate a bit and drank a lot.

Today I am hungover, and still gloating that "My Team Won"!!

 

Here is a question for you:

How much thought did you put into your vote?

Yesterday, I somehow found myself in a bidding war for a guitar.

At a charity auction.

Which was a bit unexpected.

Also unexpected was the way that despite saying to the friend sitting to my left that I would bid if I could get it for $100, I actually didn't START bidding until it was over $280.

When it got to $400, I thought to myself, STOP.

YOU DON'T EVEN PLAY!!!

And yet my arm, seemingly of its own volition, kept shooting into the air.

 

Damn Arm.

 

You are now looking at the proud owner of a guitar.

Which I can't play.

 

Yet.

 

I'm thinking that if I give up all the men in my life, then I'll have plenty of time to learn though, and at least at the end of it, I'll have something to show for my time and effort!

Mood: Angry, Pissed Off, and Crushed

I am so fucking done with this town.

The men in this town.

Being treated like shit.

Feeling like shit.

I'm sick of the drinking.

I'm sick of the excuses.

I'm sick of being treated like so much less than I am.

I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list.

I'm over being pushed around.

I'm sick of the OK-ness of that with everyone else in this town.

I want more than this.

I deserve more than this.

Tomorrow I am going to get some comprehensive car insurance.

So that next time someone pisses me off so much that I want to ram their fucking car, or drive into their house, or something equally deliciously vengeful, I can.

"Ooops. Gear slipped."

Take that you fucking piece of shit asshole.

*reverses*

And that.

And that and that and that and that and that and that and that.

 

And maybe when I have trashed their car and their house and in the process wreaked my own, maybe then I will have something else to think about other than the fact that they don't love me at all.

Even if they say that they do.

They don't have the capacity to love anyone.

Not themselves, and sure as shit not me.

And maybe I'll be lucky enough that I'll do myself an injury, and then it wont hurt so fucking much on the inside anymore.

And maybe I'll feel better.

And my heart will stop aching.

And my tears will stop falling.

And my life will stop revolving around someone who couldn't care less.

Maybe.

And maybe I won't be so ANGRY and hurt and lonely and empty and sad and in love and broken.

I hate you, you fucking asshole.

But I love you more.

And I fucking hate that I do.

So on the weekend I went out on a date.

(Not with BB - with another fella who'd been asking me, and who is just nice and respectful and kind and funny and sweet to me. It was a bit of an attempt to get over the whole sitting at home whining thing I guess - after all that hasn't exactly worked for me. And it becomes ever clearer that despite my love of BB, we aren't going to make a go of it. We just are ripping each other apart in stages. And thats horrible. This is a pleasant alternative. So I said yes. And I did tell BB prior to going, so that he wouldn't find out from someone else.)

So I went on a date. 

A no shit, get dressed up, pick me up from the house, make reservations at a lovely restaurant, pay for my dinner (I know, I know, but I did the going on a date thing that we were all discussing a while back and let him), make entertaining small talk, date.

It was great. We had a great time.

Until we got home and we got to talking and then he mentioned that he wasn't really sure if it was the right thing, because, you know. People were talking.

 

Excuse me?

 

We aren't going to go out because other people might know that we are going out?

 

Right. Well. Apparently.

 

 

So here is my question to you.

 

What would it take for you to stop seeing someone that you fancied?

 

(and we are going to presume that since he's known me for years, been asking me out for months and had previously taken me out for dinner, and spent vast amounts of time in my company prior to this last evening, that the issue is the talking, and not some inherent problem with me, and that he really does fancy me as he still claims.)

(because anything else is far too punishing on ones already broken and weeping self esteem)

I just noticed a disturbing trend about my BB updates.

 

Almost as soon as I update you on the status of BB and I, the status changes.

 

This makes me feel very silly when I log back in and see my silly update mocking me and my assuredness that this is "Absolutely the Last Time" or that we are "Finally Together for Good".

 

Perhaps I should  just keep the ups and downs and round and rounds and overs and unders and so forths of the BB situation to myself?

 

BUT WAIT!!!

All is not lost!

There is a thread of commonality and sense within the maelstrom of our relationship...

Some constants:

* I love the man.

* He's good to Nicky and I.

* He's EXCELLENT in bed.

* We have a wonderful time together, whatever we're doing.

 

 

Plus: Last night he told me that spending time with me is magical.

And that he l*o*v*e*s me.

 

And if I didn't share that with someone I was going to explode.

 

*Pops*

 

This BB update has been brought to you with the understanding that within the next half hour or so everything will probably change and I shall be heartbroken and deflated for reasons other than my joyful popping.