All The Small Things

So this week we discovered (yet again) that I am both Sad and rather Pathetic.

Or maybe not.

Whichever way you choose to look at it, that is how I feel about it.

This week a Perfectly Nice Man expressed his desire to see me, and I fully intend to say "No thankyou" in my most polite voice, because there is only one person that I am interested in seeing, and that person is BB.

Naturally, this doesn't change anything - it doesn't make BB suddenly able to date me any more than he could before, it doesn't make that whole situation easier to deal with on a day to day basis.

So I have two options:

I can say "Yes" to the Perfectly Nice Man, and in doing so cheat him of something that should be inherent at the beginning of a new relationship - an unfettered interest in getting to know the other person, and a heart that is free to grow within that relationship.

That isn't fair, and it isn't... nice. It isn't a nice thing to do to someone.

The other alternative is to say "No" to the Perfectly Nice Man, and continue to hang suspended in this feeling for a while longer.

 

While I'm sure that saying Yes to the Perfectly Nice Man would make me feel better about myself in some ways (after all, who doesn't like the feeling of someone liking them) it would be cruel and unkind, and I don't want to do that to him.

I can't help it. I adore BB.

Sorry Perfectly Nice Man, but the answer is no.

I'm watching A Current Affair (I know, thats a whole "What is Sass coming to" post all of its own!) and they are talking about Cheating Spouses.

And the Cheatee spying on the suspected Cheater.

What a freaking mess of a world we live in.

Then again... I have a friend who's partner was doing the deed with the neighbour for an extended period of time.

Most of their friends knew what was going on, yet no-one said anything to the wronged party.

Would you have???

The four ingredients to make a perfect night.

 

 

So a while back, I made a decision that there wasn't going to be any more physical contact between BB and I - that it hurt too much to hug him.

I don't know what has happened to me over the last few days.

Perhaps I just gave myself enough time to think about it, to get a little stronger, to get really clear about the direction that I want to travel in with BB.

Perhaps the conversation that I had over the phone with BB helped a lot - to know that he misses me has made a huge difference, silly as that might sound.

I went around to his place last night, and we just chilled out. We watched some DVD's, and snuggled up on the couch together.

We had a conversation, after BB let out a huge sigh, and made the statement that he wished life were easier, that it wasn't so complicated. I asked him what he meant, and he went on to explain that he wished that he didn't have his issues to deal with, and that his life could just be the way that he wanted it to be.

I asked him what that might look like.

He said it looked happy, simple, easy.

"And do I have a part in that life?" I asked him.

"Of course! We'd be together. We would be together, with none of this stuff getting in the way" He answered.

 

I don't know who I think I'm fooling.

I DO hope that we are able to be together in the future -  I want him in my life, I adore him.

So we spent the night snuggled up together, and it was amazing, perfect, loving and tender.

 

I'm sure from the outside it looks a complete mess - but from where I am, it feels ok.

It feels like we are going to be OK.

Maybe we're not, maybe we are, but it just feels like everything is going the way that it should, and whatever the outcome, it will be OK.

I just got off the phone from BB - we were talking for about 2 hours...

I love talking to him, discussing all sorts of things with him...

Hearing that he misses me too.

 

 

I feel like I can breathe again.

 

 

We're having dinner early next week. I'm looking forward to it. (Already)