All The Small Things

So tonight BB came over for dinner with Nicky and I.

I asked him over so that we could discuss the events of the weekend, as we went out to a social event together on Friday night with some other friends, and wound up spending the night at the pub afterwards, into the wee small hours of the morning.

One thing led to another drunken thing on the way home, and I ended up staying at his place. Then in the morning, sober conversations and the joy of being together again led to more activities of an excellent kind, and we ended up spending half the day in bed before heading to the pub for lunch together.

I headed from there out with some girlfriends, and later that night went back to the pub as there was a band playing. BB met me there, and we ended up spending most of the time there hanging out just the two of us, playing some pool and just chatting.

He left before I did, and kissed me goodbye.

Confusing.

We'd discussed perhaps just having an arrangement... after all, its so excellent and amazing when we are together that it seems silly not to just go at each other occasionally...

 

But you know what? I couldn't do it. I thought about it and thought about it. And I can't do it. I deserve better than that. I should be with someone who wants to go out with me, to give our relationship a name and a value and show the world that they are pleased to be with me. I don't want to be BB's friend with benefits - it feels cheap. What we had before wasn't cheap, and even though I though that the only thing that we were missing now was the sex, I was wrong. There is something else. There's the being together and being able to be proud of that relationship. I want that.

So I invited BB around for dinner so that we could discuss it, and we have agreed to go back to friends (no benefits). He wasn't comfortable with the agreement we had made either, so it was a pretty easy conversation - which is one of those wonderful / awful things about BB.

We are able to talk about everything and anything, be completely honest about our feelings, and its brilliant. Being close to him is just... right. Everything works. Its easy.

And agreeing to not be with him is just awful and hard and yuck.

Maybe I'm not as strong a person as I thought I was.

I don't know if I can handle being this close to BB as his friend, and not think about what it would be like to be in a deeper relationship with him.

And this wanting is making me ache in my heart.

Sitting right next to him on the couch and not being able to reach out and touch him is awful. And that isn't about sex, its about caring and wanting to connect with him.

So when he hugs me goodnight it breaks my heart, because its everything I want, and yet at the same time, nowhere near enough.