All The Small Things

So I'm sitting here watching Extreme Makeover... yeah I know... but anyway, tonight they are making over a girl with extremely poor self esteem who is 26 and has never been kissed.

Because of her nose, she says. Nose schmose.

Anyway, they fixed her nose, then brought in a flirting and relationship "expert".

Who brought some random bloke, and HE KISSED HER.

 

That made me incredibly angry.

How dare they rob that girl of a first kiss with someone who actually liked her!

But she didn't care, so why should I right.

 

What kind of world do we live in.

Seriously.

Turned to crap tonight.

We headed off to the movies, as previously planned, despite the petty rubbish of yesterdays post.

The plan was that BB, the producer, Nicky and I would head to the movies, then out to dinner together. BB and I would then bring Nicky home, and then spend some time together.

What actually happened was this:

Nicky and I went out to a girlfriends house for lunch.

We came home, and went to BB's to pick him up to go to the movies.

He wasn't ready, because he hadn't heard from me, and so he'd assumed that we weren't going anymore. Sorted that out. But then he needed to get changed.

So I bought Nicky home and got her changed into some pretty new clothes, then we went back and got BB.

BB and Nicky and I start driving out of town.

BB's phone rings.

Its BB's ex-wife.

She needs him to bring something over for his youngest son.

So he says "Well, I'm not home at the moment, but I'll bring it round later this evening when I get home"

Then he got off the phone, and looked at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm going to have to go home after the movie."

 --- Keep in mind that at this point we are in one car, and have made plans to have dinner with the Producer, and now we were going to have to come home ---

I say "Oh. Well, I guess that will have to be ok. If the movie gets out early maybe we'll have time to have something quick"

"We'll see how we go babe"

So we get to the movies, and pull into the carpark.

The producer rings.

He's now going to be late because his pet is at the vets, and he has to go pick it up, and he'll meet us in the cinema.

Fine. Sure. No worries.

So Nicky and BB and I get to the door of the cinema.

BB heads off to the ATM, I get the tickets. He comes back. He gets the popcorns etc.

We get settled in the cinema.

The movie starts.

Nicky starts telling me in a loud voice what is about to happen, about two minutes before it happens.

Eventually the producer arrives.

It gets to the exciting part of the film... and Nicky needs to pee.

So I take her out to pee.

And miss the whole good bit.

Sigh.

 

The movie got out at 6.15pm.

BB says, I have to go.

So I suggested that he take my car, do what he needed to do, then come back and get us, so that we could still have dinner as planned.

Sure. Great plan. No worries.

So off he went.

The producer and Nicky and I had dinner, which was very nice.

8.15pm.

The producer apologises, but he really has to go. He has work in the morning, and he only flew home from the land of far far away earlier in the day.

So Nicky and I waited in the restaurant until BB came back to get us.

And he wasn't quite himself. He'd had a rough time doing what he needed to do.

So when he drove us home from town he needed to be on his own.

 

I feel completely disappointed with how the night turned out.

I feel ripped off.

I feel angry with Mr. D., and with BB's ex.

 

I just feel pissed off that life lately just isn't delivering on the promise that each day seems to hold at the outset.

I'm really tired of it all being so bloody hard.

 

All I want is some time with my daughter where we get to have the good time that I plan for us.

I want some time with my boyfriend. PERIOD.

Is that really so much to ask????

So last night I got a text message from BB, asking if he could come up and have a chat to me.

I rang him, and asked him if he was ok. He sounded terrible. Really terrible. I was worried about him, and I said that if he wanted to come up he could. So he said he'd come right up.

He arrived shortly afterwards, and he looked terrible. He looked miserable and like he hadn't slept in days. He was dressed and shaved and all clean and tidy, but he looked terrible in himself.

And boy, was he a mess. He was so nervous. It looked like he thought I was going to have a go at him, or kick him out or something.

He came in, and we sat down on the couch.

Eventually, after much talking around the issue, it transpired that he had felt from the moment that he said it that breaking up with me was the wrong thing to do. He had felt really bad about it over the past days, and he'd spent that time getting very clear about what it was that he wanted.

And what he wanted was a relationship with me.

We talked about how the whole thing made both of us feel, and how we would deal with it.

We talked about what had led him to do it in the first place.

We talked about, and made a committment to each other about how we are going to deal with issues in the future.

 

And so we're back together again, BB and Me.

 

And we both agree that it feels right, and perfect, and exactly as it should be.

 

Ironically, I think nearly every person that I told when he broke up with me said "He'll be back." "You two will get back together" or variations on that theme. So, to all those who said it to me, those who thought it, and those who whispered it under their breath - You Were Right.

And I'm very very very pleased that you were all right.

I currently have a photo of myself and batherboy.

I thought about taking it down, but he's pretty cute, and the photo makes me happy.

So I think I'll leave it up.

 

This morning, I found a note from my co-worker on my desk, saying:

"A rose is still beautiful, even if it has been bruised by a couple of pricks!"

 

 

How much do I love my desk.

B. B.

Dumped Me.

Poor Me.

No more B. B.

Sob.

 

I will confess, that it may not be a particularly good poem.

But why don't you allow someone to break up with you for the reason that they aren't really ready to date yet, and because it scares them how much they like you, and because you deserve better, deserve someone who will give you what you deserve, someone who can say that they love you, someone who would be able to give you what you want, and that ever delightful, every girls dream breakup line: Its not you, its me, and then try to write quality poety. I bet you would write a sucky poem too.

So B. B. and I are no more, and yesterday, when it happened, I was upset. I was horribly crushed and battered. And confused.

How does one learn to deal with the fear that comes from getting close to someone again, if they break up with the someone to whom they wish to be close?

Unless of course they don't really want to be close to that person at all.

Unless that person has something inherently wrong with them.

And that can't be right, because while I'm not perfect, there is nothing that wrong with me.

 

Sometimes someone just isn't ready to be in a relationship.

A couple of years, months, weeks ago, that person could have been me. Was me.

How many perfectly nice people have I broken up with because my undealt with shit.

 

So I'm not really that upset with BB. I actually am harbouring more goodwill and respect for him than ever - a man who is aware of his feelings and doing his best to deal with them.

I'm sad though.

We were good together.

He is a good man.

I'm going to miss him.

I feel bereft.