All The Small Things

Today should be the first day of school for my beautiful little girl.

She should have been jumping with excitement at the gates of the school with her little friends, I should have been there with the other mums, crying and carrying on.

She should have been posing for first day photos, with her hat on, and her bag, and her hair in pigtails, and looking so small in her first school dress.

I will NEVER EVER forgive Mr. D. for robbing her of that memory.

I will NEVER EVER forgive him for robbing me of that memory.

 

Lawyer is estimating weeks. I rang the court and they are estimating six to eighteen months if it goes to trial. His lawyers haven't finished putting in the papers yet. I wonder how long that is going to take. I rang Mr. D. to ask him to stay on their backs, to get the damn thing done sooner rather than later. He didn't seem very interested.

I don't understand his motivation at all. I've done absolutely everything in my power to move this along, and he hasn't done anything. He still hasn't even contacted the school over there - I called them today and the principal said she still hadn't spoken to him. This is rubbish.

And the only person getting hurt is my beautiful little girl.

Three random things that happened today:

1) My sister (the one who dislikes me cordially) sent a gift package home with something in it for all of us... including me. I got a little jade pendant for my mobile (they were all slightly kitch, the gifts).

So thankyou, sister mine, for getting me a pretty little gift.

2) Nicky, who had been asleep for half an hour in the car on the way home from my parents house, woke up briefly as I was putting her to bed. "You shouldn't should you mum?" "Shouldn't what sweets?" "You shouldn't marry someone that you don't know, should you?" "Well, no darling. You shouldn't marry someone that you don't know." "Goodnight mum" "Goodnight dearheart."

She's such a funny little person sometimes - I'd love to crawl into her thoughts just to find out where some of this stuff comes from!

3) I got asked to be bridesmaid today for a girlfriend of mine from school. I was so absolutely flattered and thrilled and excited that I did a little happy dance, and had a little cry all at the same time. I was so flustered that I didn't even ask who else was in the bridal party, or anything! We're going to be wearing my FAVOURITE COLOUR, and it sounds like its going to be a lovely intimate affair - I'm obviously going to be saying a lot more about this as time goes on!

I've never been part of a wedding party before - how exciting!!!!

And here are some things that I don't have room to keep on my computer, but don't want to lose. So I'm posting them up here. Enjoy.

"Before exchanging anything of value....know the cost" 

This was a quote from my dear friend Almost, I don't remember what we were talking about, but this was said and I loved it so much that I made him repeat it.

16 Chocolate Cheesecake  Base:

½ cup milk chocolate biscuit crumbs (1)

½ cup dark chocolate biscuit crumbs (2)

50g melted butter

2 tablespoons orange chocolate flecks (3)

Generous pinch of ground cinnamon

 

Hard layer:

50g melted dark chocolate (4)

  Middle:

2 packs cream cheese

1 teaspoon vanilla

400g sweetened condensed milk

3 eggs

 

For main:

200g melted dark chocolate (50-70%) (5)

 

Cookie Dough:

¼ cup butter

¼ cup brown sugar

¼ cup castor sugar

2 tablespoons water

½ cup plain flour

50g melted semi-sweet chocolate (6)

¼ cup chopped milk chocolate (7)

¼ cup chopped dark chocolate (80%) (8)

¼ cup chopped white chocolate (9)

 

White chocolate swirl:

50g melted white chocolate (10)

 

Dark Chocolate swirl:

50g melted dark chocolate (70-80%) (11)

  Topping: 

Glaze:

25g melted dark choc (70-80%) (12)

Splash chocolate liqueur (13)

 

Milk and white chocolate lace:

Melted white chocolate (14)

Melted milk chocolate (15)

 

Dark chocolate curls:

Dark chocolate (60-70%) (16)

    

Method:

 

1. Combine base ingredients, press firmly into pan.

 

1. Pour melted dark chocolate on top and refrigerate until layer is hard.

 

1. Cookie dough: Cream the butter with the two sugars until light and fluffy. Stir in water, flour, melted chocolate, chocolate pieces, and mix until combined. Set aside.

 

1. Main mixture: Beat the cream cheese until soft and smooth at medium speed. Add the condensed milk, vanilla and eggs (one at a time) and beat thoroughly at low speed. Reserve some mixture for the swirls.

 

1. Add chocolate to mixture and continue beating until mixed well.

 

1. Pour a little chocolate cheesecake mixture in the tin. Add cookie dough in small pieces. Add rest of cheesecake mixture.

 

1. Halve leftover cheesecake mixture and make swirls with melted milk and dark chocolate. Pour these into the mixture.

 

1. Bake the cheesecake for 1 hour in a 180 degree preheated oven.

 

1. Turn off oven and rest cheesecake for 1 hour.

 

1. Refrigerate cheesecake for 3-4 hours.

 

1. To make glaze, mix together melted chocolate with chocolate liqueur and brush on.

 

1. Add chocolate curls and chocolate lattice.

 

1. Refrigerate for 30-60 mins.

I am yet to attempt to cook this, and I'm too lazy to have written out the whole thing in my little cookbook, but I don't want to lose the reciepe. It looks as delicious as the man who sent it to me, the one, the only Jobe-a-licious.

 

I've spent most of this week out on the farm, with the lovely GM, as his folks are away. Its been really interesting playing farmers missus - I've cooked dinner for the lads each night, we've eaten together, done the dishes, read the paper (one each, then swap - there are definite advantages to getting two papers delivered daily), discussed the news.

And each night, we've gone to bed in the beautiful guest room, which for the record is done in yellow and blue, which anyone who knows me should know are my favourite colours by far. So thats been beautiful. Probably my favourite bit really.

We had a mega argument one night though. Like the second night that we were there together. It was me, being a complete idiot. I had a really really really long think about it after we argued, and we discussed it at length afterwards and the next day.

I'd been actively shoving him away from me all night, taking offence at the smallest little thing, picking at him mentally, getting worked up inside about all that boring old "I'm not good enough" stuff. Then I pushed and pushed him until we had an argument, and the poor bugger was there saying to me "Why are you doing this? I don't understand what the problem is here. Whats really the matter?"

I think that I was actually trying to get him to break up with me, which obviously (if you've been paying attention) is NOT what I want at all. I want to keep him in my life, to spend my time with him, and to be with him for... well, for a bloody long time at the least.

We came to the conclusion that I'm a big scaredy cat - with good reason really. I've had my heart smashed to smithereens a couple of times now, and I think my poor heart has learned that the greater the joy and the love, the greater the pain that will follow.

My lovely boy has been very patient with me, and I'm grateful for it. He said to me "Darlin', you need to get over this stuff. I love you. I'm not going to hurt you. I just don't want to see you end up one of those old ladies who keeps cats. You deserve better than that."

So we've agreed that I'm not doing it on purpose, it makes me feel like shit, and I don't want to feel like that anymore. For his part, he's over it too, and doesn't want to have any more arguments about it. So our strategy is that if I start having a spasm, he's going to give me a cuddle, and tell me to stop being stupid. (My idea, and hopefully it will help.)

I love him, and I don't want my fear of being hurt to rob me of a wonderful relationship.

 

 

In other news, "silage" is pickled grass. They put fresh grass in a roll and wrap it in plastic. Then it kind of cooks and stews and its pretty good for the moo cows, who love the stuff.

BUT IT STINKS.

GM has been feeding out to the cows, which means that he has to unwrap the silage, and he stinks of it. I really miss the smell of the damp cow poo now - he's well and truly dried out by the time he gets up to the house now, so he doesn't smell like cow poo at all. Just silage. Ew.

Thats my lovely stinky loving man.

So this is where I get to tell you a very long and involved story about how we went on holidays, and the events leading up to same that made me a a very cranky little camper, a very ill little camper, and a very happy little camper in turn.

So the story starts about a fortnight ago, when GM's (and that stands for Gorgeous Man, for those of you who have just joined us, or who have lamentably poor memories... not looking at anyone in particular CK) sister came to stay on the farm for a couple of days.

She held a bbq, to which I was duly invited, and attended. It was a lively affair, and as I had used my powers of observation at prior bbq-type-events, I arrived with an arm full of beverages, and an attitude that would facilitate frivolity. We ate, and were all sitting about outside chatting, the children (18 years and under) having already removed themselves to GM's house to become putrid.

So as we were sitting around in this circle of grownups, GM to my left, his mate (whom we met here featuring as the man who had just gotten engaged) and then others, but they arent' important to the story, so you can just imagine them as you will. Anywho, the mate, who I think we shall call Cricket, for reasons which will shortly become apparent, says to my GM, "So are we going to the one-day test this year GM?"

"When is it?" says GM.

"On the 11th"

"Oh, we're on holidays then..." says GM, and I'm sitting beside him thinking, oh good. He's remembered that we're going to be away together on our very first holiday ever, and...

"Which means I'll already be in Melbourne. I can meet you there. Yeah, no worries."

What. The. HELL????? THATS MY HOLIDAY!!!!

"Cool", says Cricket "And can I get a ride home with you then?"

NO. FREAKING. WAY.

"Sure, theres room in the car." says GM. He then turned to me and said "Thats alright isn't it darl? You can just hang out with my sister or something." It wasn't really a question.

OK, so for a start, what can I say in a situation of that sort, when I'm going to look like a freaking bitch for the second time in a row in front of his best mate Cricket. So I just made a noise that he took as assent, and went inside before I tore his head from his lovely shoulders and shoved it fair up his jaxie. Thats a pretty crappy thing to do to a person.

So that made me a very UNHAPPY camper, as our holiday was in my eyes foiled at the outset by the inconsiderate nature of this exchange. However, in the spirit of the evening, I decided to let it go, take a deep deep breath and keep my cool.

I was sitting indoors when GM's sister came in with GM and said, we're going to head down to GM's, would you like to come? Sure I said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. We chatted with GM's mum for a while, with GM hovering over us. After a short and rather heated discussion over who was going to drive, (I won) we headed down to the party.

At this point, I'd had a couple of Cruisers over a period of about 4 hours. GM was fairly... cheerful, as were the rest of the crew. For reasons known only to the God's of Party, GM's sister, his little brothers girlfriend and I were sitting on his little brothers bed having a conversation about things many and varied. GM came in, and after various in's and outs of various people, we found ourselves alone in the bedroom.

So obviously we were pashing on, and then GM say's "lets do it, right here, right now" I'm like, no. Thats just  wrong. A) There is a party going on around us. B) This is your brothers bed. C) There are no locks on the doors. D) I'm not the kind of girl who has sex on other peoples beds in the middle of parties. Would you want me to be the kind of girl who would do that?

And he said yes. I would love it if you were the kind of girl who would go for it in the middle of a party with me, right here on my brothers bed, with my sisters just outside the door, take some risks, and...

And at that point I got up and left the bedroom with my Cranky Pants very firmly hugging my recently fondled bottom. Seriously. Asshole. Thing. To. Say.

(And I know that I have been very reticent about my... activities... lately, but take it on the very best of authorities that I am no prude. I'm a willing participant in all sorts of shinanigans, and to say something like that is just horrid and all round bastardly. I think not wanting to do it there and then displays a boundary that most people would understand and respect. Opinions welcome.)

So I went to my bag, wherein I had secreted a six pack of Cowboy shots. I had intended to share these with GM's sister, however, I was freaking livid. GM's sisters fiance pulled me aside, and up onto the pool table to play some cards with him. He asked what the matter was, and I told him what GM had said. And took a shot.

He didn't say that. Yes he did. (Takes a shot.)

He didn't mean it then. He meant it. (Takes a shot.)

He must have been kidding. Not. Funny. (Takes a shot.)

Then GM's sister arrived, and said, "Did he really just say that to you, what he just told me that he said?"

"If he told you that he'd rather that I was a complete slut who would go him on his brothers bed in the middle of a party, then yes. Have a shot." And we both had a shot.

I had been very gaily throwing the empty shot glasses over my shoulder up to this point, and now, finding my hand empty, it seemed a good time to help myself to a huge glass of the cheap Chardonnay that was in the fridge. Goon, I believe they called it. Goon. How the mighty have fallen.

So the rest of the night was pretty good. I danced with GM's sisters fiance on the pool table and we played snap. He's a pretty insightful guy, and we had an awesome conversation about being cool, and not cool, and fitting in and accepting people as they are. GM occasionally came past and I would give him a fouly and carry on doing whatever I was doing... suffice to say he got the hint. Plus his sister gave him an absolute earful about being a dickhead. He did apologise. Several times, which I did not accept. Make the man suffer for that one, don't you agree?

We went to bed about 4am, and at 6.30am I started throwing up. I didn't stop until 9pm that night. I think I have clearly established now that I am not a drinker. I shouldn't drink, it doesn't agree with me. Also established, that Goon and Cowboy Shots are the work of the devil. I'm a three glasses of a nice wine over dinner kind of girl, not a five-shots-in-a-row-with-a-couple-of-big-glasses-of-bad-wine-as-a-chaser kind of girl. I do not like trying to vomit up my toenails.

We made up, GM and I the next day, and all was well again. Then it was time to go on holidays.

Holidays with GM was an experience, there is no doubt about it.

We stayed at his families holiday house on the coast, two blocks from the beach, and it was lovely. Nicky had an absolutely wonderful time, making sandcastles, swimming, digging enormous holes, playing softball with GM, and being told tall tales of all sorts of weird and wonderful creatures. GM had a selection of books from his childhood at the house, and we spent much time reading to Nicky, playing games and just mucking about together.

The best times happened at odd moments for me. When we were sitting in the car, and he would reach over and take my hand. When he would walk up behind me at the house, put his arms around me and tell me that he loves me. But especially when we really got to talk. I told him how hurt I was about the Cricket thing, and he didn't end up going (not because I was upset, but because Cricket didn't call him) so we had a talk about respect and not breaking plans. We also had a talk late one night about how we feel about one another. Well, actually, I told him how I felt about him, and how wonderful I think he is, and he said, and I love you too darlin'.

And then I told him that I love him even though he is completely shit at telling me how he feels about me, and although it would kill him to say that I look nice, or anything else...

And he rolled over, looked at me and said "Darlin', I love you with all my heart, you know that."

"I know you love me, but I like to hear you say it. I don't know how you're feeling most of the time, cos you don't talk to me."

"I'm sorry hon. You've made me so happy. Before you came into my life I was going nowhere, nothing to look forward to, I didn't care. And then I had the accident, and you came along, and now life's great."

"Because of the accident?"

"Because of you Sass. The last five months have been the happiest months of my life. I love you. I know I'm shit and I don't tell you enough how much I love you, but I do."

Viola, the nicest thing said to me in recent memory.

 

As his sister has forcefully pointed out on a number of occasions now, he has no idea. Anyone who's been reading this should have a fairly clear idea of that. He does stupid things, say's hurtful things, and occasionally acts like a complete asshole. I often wonder why no-one out there has suggested that I ditch him - lord knows that I did seriously consider it a while ago, and at the party when he said that to me at the party. But most of the time he's really wonderful, and I'm happy 99% of the time with his behaviour and treatment of me... the other 1% I blog about!!

However, I do have to say that whenever we have a post-mortem of a problem situation, he does change his behaviour. I spoke to him about the drinking, and he hasn't done it since. I spoke to him about the driving whilst drunk, and he hasn't done that since either. And since the above conversation about talking to me about how he feels, he's been wonderful at telling me that he loves me, thinks I'm awesome, etc.

As over the whole idea of having to train the boy I am, I am in fact, training the boy. God help him.

And I'm spent. I hope everyone else is enjoying their new year?

So as you may have gathered from the heading, my lovely GM came with me this year to my friends house for a remix of last years New Years Bash! 

The night before, I went out to his place fairly late, and we had an amazing time (it was lovely to have the house to ourselves... love-a-ly). We didn't go to sleep until really late, and we were talking about New Years, and what the year had bought for both of us.

He said "Bet last year you weren't thinking that you'd be milking cows by the end of the year!"

Um, hell no. I didn't think lots of the things that happened this year would happen. I certainly didn't think that I would fall in love with this particular man, and find myself learning weird and disturbing things about cows. I didn't think that he would turn out to be the gem that he is, and that I would be this happy. I certainly didn't think that I would find a man who would love me as deeply and wholely as he does, and who would be willing to re-evaluate his life for me.

For his part, GM couldn't have forseen the accident, or the effects of that accident. He (like me) wouldn't have seen that it would have bought us together the way that it did. We agreed that that was pretty nice really - the coming together part.

Our plan was to meet at a certain crossroads (oddly, the one where he had the accident) at 7.30pm. But when I called him at 6.30pm to make sure that we were all still good to go, he says, yeah, I'm going to be late. I still have to go to town and get some drinks, then I thought I'd call past and see my mate on the way. Just go without me darl, and I'll get there eventually.

Needless to say, this did not fill my heart with joy. However, I thought that rather than being a bitch about it, I'd just let it go and see what happened.

So I arrived at the party, and started unpacking the car. My girlfriends stopped me halfway through though, and took me into the house and plied me with a beverage. They could see that I was upset, and I may have had a teeny tiny weeny little rant about how much it shirts me when people don't stick to the plans that they have made.

And next thing I knew, GM was there.

He'd skipped seeing his mate, and he pulled up in the driveway and got out his gear. Then he helped me set up our tent, and we had a little chat over by the car.

"I thought you were going to see *blah*?"

"I couldn't see his car, so I just kept driving."

I just had this feeling like he didn't really want to be there with me, that he'd rather be somewhere else. Out partying with HIS mates or something. So I asked him...

"Is there somewhere that you'd rather be tonight?"

"Well, yeah, actually there is." (heart leaps to mouth) "I wanted to stay home and go to sleep, I knackered. But I wanted to be with you, so here I am."

I feel awful then. I know that I'd kept him up all night the night before, and he was already exhausted from watering all night two nights earlier, plus he'd been on his own on the farm as his dad and brother both went away. And despite how tired he was, he'd made the effort to come for me.

So I stopped him and gave him a big kiss and cuddle and told him how much I love him.

We had a lovely quiet night, a delicious bbq dinner, and we played backyard cricket because it was far too cold to swim this year. Nicky had a lovely time, playing with the other kids, though none of them made it to midnight. I snuck in just after the big hand hit the twelve and gave her a kiss - it was awesome to have her with me for the night.

GM and I slept out in our tent, and he had to get up early to go milking. I slept in (like everyone else!) and we all got up and had breakfast together.

And then it started to rain.

Best start to the New Year - the only shame was that it was fitful, not particularly heavy rain. We need it to rain down heavy for about three weeks straight - but it was a start. Something to bring a little hope for the coming year.

Welcome 2007! May you bring joy, love and happy endings to us all.