All The Small Things

Well tonight I had the beautiful Mary over for dinner.

We discussed the tick tock person in detail. She kept raising the issue in conversation - which suddenly made me realise how very very very irritating I must have been whilst I was infatuated with him. I humbly apologise for each and every post, each and every conversation that I have had with you. I am Sooo Sorry. And now on to a post about the tick tock person!!

The whole thing was rather amusing. The things that she dislikes about him are the very same things that I find so endearing and intriguing.

His quirky sense of humour - I find him hilarious, and we laugh and laugh and laugh. She thinks he's not funny, and when he's trying to be funny she thinks he's being rude and / or stupid. I don't know if this is because I am odd for getting his jokes, or she is odd for not getting his jokes.

Also, she thinks he's childish, because he doesn't make decisions. What do you want to do? she says, I don't know, he says. She hates that. I think its fantastic, because I get to think up some stupid harebrained scheme that he just instantly agrees to and gets enthusiastic about, and then off we go and have a fantastic time together.

He actually does come up with great ideas too, he sets silly tasks for us to do, which I think is great fun. I don't know that he's done this with her, she didn't mention it. I think he mustn't have, because she would have mentioned it if he'd dared her to do something really stupid.

She thinks that he's weird because he relates in an odd way to his family. I think the way they relate is unusual, but it doesn't bug me in the way that it bugs her. I have gotten to know him, and learned about his family, and I think I understand why they behave the way that they do. They love each other, they just work differently to most families. She thinks that they're weird, and that he's weird, and she doesn't like it.

But she thinks he's hot. Obviously I agree with that one.

I wonder what this says about us as people?

I think the contrast in our attitudes to the tick tock person are marked.

I think Mary has gone in with an expectation of what she wants him to be, and now is seeing only the gaps between her expectation and the reality of the person that he is. It must make it very difficult to get to know a person when you aren't able to look at who they are, because you're too busy looking at what they aren't.

I wonder if she had gone in with a more open mind, without preconceptions, if the result would have been different, if she would have ended up liking him more rather than less.

I don't know though.

That might have impacted on the familial relations stuff, but the rest of it is more personality driven anyway. I mean, if you don't like a particular type of humour (in this case odd sardonic sarcastic or highbrow wordy type humour) then even if you go in with an open mind, you still aren't going to like it.

Same goes for the decision making stuff. She likes a man who has a plan, who will decide where to go, what to do. He isn't like that, so even if she hadn't gone in expecting him to be all decisive-like, she still wouldn't have been pleased to find that he isn't interested in running the show. Its not even that he's completely unable to make a decision, he just doesn't always have the answer.

Mary obviously has a fairly well developed idea of what she likes, and what she dislikes about people in general and men in particular. That could be a very good thing really - I mean, she knows what she wants and she isn't going to waste her time with men who don't meet those expectations. But at the same time, she's going to miss out on all sorts of fantastic experiences because she's not so willing to spend time with a variety of people. Eventually, she may find what she's looking for, but what if what she's looking for isn't what she really wants or needs?

I'd like to think that I'm quite accepting of all sorts of different people, and that I'm able to deal with them at their level. I try not to judge people, I want to like people as they are, without asking them to change.

I'm looking back at when I first met the tick tock person. The only things that I seem to have assumed were that:

a) He was a nice person

b) He liked me (and based on the evidence at the time this wasn't improbable)

Everything else seems to have been covered by the oft repeated lines of "we behaved like complete children" "just getting to know one another" and "we talked and laughed and talked and laughed".

Maybe he is childish, if I so often remarked that we behaved like children? Mmm. But then, I was writing it in a postive sense, we had so much fun, and it was simple and carefree. I liked it very much. I still enjoy that aspect of our relationship.

I did find things that were difficult to understand about him, but I've gone to the effort of finding out what makes him tick, and that's something I wouldn't just do for him. I like to know what motivates people, I like to understand how other peoples minds work. I like to know my friends properly, and deal with them on a deeper level.

On the downside, I don't have the clarity that Mary has about what it is that I require of men in my life. Except that they are drug free, respectful and accepting of my beautiful daughter, I don't really have any other hard and fast rules. I don't care if they are decisive or indecisive, funny or serious, grownup or childish, close to their family, or not. It seriously doesn't bother me, as long as the person I'm with is someone with whom I find happiness and joy and laughter and love, then the rest is negotiable.

I'm interested in what y'all think about this.

 

Also, just as a completely out of the blue aside - I am so missing intimacy right now. I would just love to have someone in my life with whom I was completely comfortable, someone to cuddle up to, hold and be held by.

I miss nestling my head on a mans shoulder, smelling that sweet spot just behind their ear. The feel of strong man hands on my waist. I miss that feeling of safety that comes from having a person who loves you hold you tight. Waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over and having that person roll over too, pulling you close to them so that they can be close to you.

Its not the sex, its not even the kissing (though I miss both of those too!!) its the intimacy.

It's that warm feeling that courses through your veins when you can look into the eyes of the man who loves you. Its that knowing that you are safe. That the person who holds your heart thinks of that holding as an honour. Knowing that there is someone in the world who trusts you enough to let you hold their heart.

I miss that.

Sometimes it's hard to remember to hold one's own heart as gently as one should. It's much easier to see the pain that rough handling causes another, but I think we are much more adept at ignoring the damages we inflict upon ourselves. In my head, I can tell myself all manner of horrid things, things I would never say to another, things I would never allow another to say to me. Things that wound me.

I miss having a strong, loving, gentle man caretaking my heart.

I miss the intimacy.