All The Small Things

Mood: Playful Princess

Princesses of Trivia

(and erstwhile spooners, sculpters and singers...)

Last night two of my most beautiful girlfriends, my lovely Nicky and I attended a Trivia night at the Crooked Limb. It was awesome fun...

Miss K answered the numerical questions with ease, inspiring me to take her next time there is a 12.5% off sale... who else can figure that stuff out in their heads, seriously! And she splashes admirably with a teaspoon too...

Miss Tink aquitted herself beautifully in the sculpture task... though I think we all prefer to think of it less as cheating and more as just a more creative and left brain form of sculpture. And she knew Prague too. Her phone can't spell, but we love her anyways.

And me... well, I sang badly in public, and despite other teams being able to recognise the tune I was mangling, we didn't get the points on that one. And I know that they play with Ivory Mahjong tiles in China. Why I know that is a whole 'nother story.

However, despite it all, we came in a very respectable third.

So Hooray for the Disney Princesses...

Long May They Reign.

 

 

I rather think this is Miss Tink, dancing away with her lovely Prince Person... How cute are they!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think this is Miss K - after all, she does insist that her man is a... ahem... Beast... in all the right ways!!

Too much information?? Yeah, I think so too.

Jealous much?

 

 

And this is me.

 

My bloke has pissed off 'cos he'd rather spend his time touching up old silverware you see.

Friggin' typical.

 

But how cute is my ensemble?

girls night out...

Last night I went out with a new girlfriend, first time we'd been out together. It was awesome! I wasn't quite sure what to expect really - you know what it's like when you meet someone new, you get along great, but you haven't actually spent any time together in a social setting? I work with this girl, one day a week, three hours a day... So in total, we'd probably spent less than 8 days together. Eight times three hours. And most of those hours were spent doing other things, like working. It's not much is it? We might not have gotten along! Making new friends is a funny business.

Anyway, she asked if we could hit the town, so we did. And I'm so glad that we did, it was amazing! We just hit the Vic, as you do. There were a fair few out, as one of the big employers in town had their last day of the season yesterday, so all the lads were out last night.

We arrived at the pub, played some pool with some of the lads, I introduced her to some people. She has it in her mind that I'm popular, and people like me, and I spent most of the night trying to disuade her. I'm not that popular here in town - I know a lot of people, but that doesn't mean that they all love me. In fact, there are one or two who absolutely hate my guts. Friends of that person I was dating back in the never never who put some nasty untruths around about me after we broke up. There's only two of them that hate me as a result, but two people in a group of 15 still makes for awkwardness.

Luckily, those two left fairly early, and we had the run of the place after that. We got booted from the Vic fairly early (11pm) so we headed to the other pub in town. There, we engaged in the same activities, pool, beverage disposal, general chit chat and some grooving to the tunes eminating from the jukebox. It was really good fun.

My new friend makes friends easily, and so while I was introducing her around, she was chatting away easy as anything to everyone after about ten minutes. Then she got it into her head that this particular young gentleman was very very cute, and that he and I should get together.

"He's so cute!"

"Yeah, I know. But he's also very young."

"Who cares!! He's so cute, and he's so into you!"

This particular young man is a lovely, gentle, sweet, rather sexy guy, and he is very very cute. There is no doubt about that at all. But at the same time, he is quite young, and I'm not into that.

So it gets to the end of the night, and my new friend says to this guy, "Are you going to walk Sass home?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." Says I. Its been decided then. My opinion is not required. Whatever.

So my new friend leaves, and the rest of us, another couple, two single guys, myself and the young guy, are left in the pub. We shoot another game of pool, and then get booted.

Outside, we all say goodbye. Young guy is staying around the corner from me anyway, so we start to walk together. We get to his street (one before mine) and I say "Well, I'll see you later then, you don't have to walk the rest of the way, its freezing."

"Would you like my jacket?"

"No, you'll freeze. I'm fine, thanks anyways."

"Well, I'm walking you home."

"You don't have to do that. I'll be fine, really"

"I want to."

"Righto then."

So we walk to my place, chatting about silly things I guess. Get to my place, and I say, "Would you like to come in for a coffee?"

"No thanks, I'd better get home. Goodnight."

And he kissed me on the cheek, I said goodbye, and he left.

 

What a lovely end to the evening. An odd end, but a very lovely one.

I don't think I've ever had anyone seriously walk me to my door and behave like such a complete and utter gentleman. My faith in chivalry is restored.

By a nineteen year old.

Who would have guessed it.

 

Can't wait to get to work on Thursday to see my new friend, and tell her that that is how the evening ended for us! She had such high hopes!!

Hand that girl an Oscar!

What an interesting evening I've had. I ducked in to see the tick tock person, and we had the most interesting conversation.

It would appear that all this time, I have been labouring under a silly misapprehension. A very silly misapprehension. I thought he had a frigging clue. Apparently, I was wrong. Soooo Sooo Wrong.

So we are chatting, about the girl we've been calling "Mary". So he say's that she came into the shop today. I ask if he's asked her out. He say's no. He doesn't do that, he's NEVER ASKED A GIRL OUT.

Interesting, no? (I almost said, you asked me out! But decided not to be a smartarse about it.)

So he goes on to say that he didn't think that she'd say yes anyway. I say, yes, she would. I have it on good authority that she would. Oh, I don't know, he says. Well, if you like her, you should ask her out. Maybe he says. I say, do you like her? Oh, yeah, I guess so, but she wouldn't like me. Bloody rubbish, say's I. Subject moves on.

I was there for about an hour, all up. Usual stuff, then the "Mary" thing comes up again. By this stage, you have to understand that I'm a bit tired of hearing about it, from both sides. In fact, the idea that he's interested in dating someone else bothers me, and that they are both so *incredibly insensitive* as to talk to me about one another is doing my head in.

So I decide to just come a bit clean, attempt to clear the air a little. This is, I will have it known, a direct result of the advice of my dear friend Tink. Thankyou my dear, I can only reiterate my previous statements about how glad I am that you've come home!! (Interpret that with sarcasm if you will, however, until final results of this are in, I shall remain coy about the true intonation of that sentence!)

So I say "Look tick tock person, about "Mary". You must know that I like you. You'd be an idiot if you didn't know that."

"But you only like me as a friend."

"Um, no actually."

"Oh!" (Look of genuine surprise)

"Yeah, well anyway, I know that you aren't interested in me and thats fine, but I just think its a bit unfair to ask me to be the person in the middle of you and "Mary". If you like her, ask her out, if you don't, don't. Its just hard for me to be the person in between, with you asking about her, her asking about you. Its just hard. It puts me in an awkward position, you know."

(This was all like one big gushing sentance without breath - or chance for him to talk, and directed for the most part to the floor just in front of my feet.)

He looked a bit odd. Then he just said he was sorry.

I said that was fine, and changed the subject.

He invited me to dinner next week, as his parents are going to be away. He's going to cook. We're going to watch video's or something, I don't know. Very odd. And he's coming out tomorrow night, and getting his haircut beforehand, so as to look nicer. Again, very very odd.

 

How can he be so oblivious to the way that I'm feeling? I'm really not that good an actress. Really. I'm as transparent as gladwrap for the most part, I couldn't keep my emotional state under wraps if my life depended on it. Every single thing that I feel is written across my face, it's in my every action. HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW THAT I LIKE HIM??

It is interesting to note that Miss Tink did say last night that in each of our conversations I do make note of when he "crosses the boundaries". Her thoughts were that he would be thinking that I am determined that we are just friends, and hence I was keeping that very clear between us.

But you and I both know dear reader, that it is the exact opposite! I bring it up when he crosses the boundaries so that HE knows that he's crossing HIS OWN boundaries. He set the silly bloody boundaries, not me! He's the one who said he just wanted to be friends, not me! I was just enforcing his rules!!! Perhaps some of my comments could be construed incorrectly, but I can only say in my defense, that I am a shithouse actress, and there is NO WAY that a normal person would not be aware of my feelings on this.

That being said, I did just read back over the comments I made the other day about "Mary". She has no idea either about the way that I'm feeling. Maybe I'm not as emotive as I thought? Maybe I do deserve an Oscar for playing the role of friend - a role that I did not choose, a role that was thrust upon me!

I have no idea. What do you guys think? Ever had someone close to you crushing on you without your knowledge??

Dressing for Freedom

For years, I never went shopping on my own. I dressed in the clothes that my sister picked out for me, and I completely failed to develop a style of my own. I just figured that I didn't have any style, that I was completely void of anything resembling fashion sense.

Since my sister isn't speaking to me, I have had to step into stores on my own, and purchase my own clothing. That, at first, was incredibly daunting. I hated it with a passion.

I hate trying things on. I hate not knowing which way round some things should be worn. I hate not understanding the subtleties of layering, belts, accessories in general. I HATE pants that sit so low your bum feels like its about to pop out the top.

That being said, I have been brave. I have gone into stores and asked for help. Shop assistants in this country have a lot to be proud of, the ones I've asked to help me have been very kind to me, and helped me to pick out clothes that actually worked for me. They encouraged me to try on things I wouldn't have picked, and they were honest about how I looked (sometimes kindly telling me that perhaps I should try something else instead...) 

I now feel reasonably confident when I walk out the door each day that I have it right. I feel, most of the time, that I look reasonably elegant. That's what I'm aiming for mostly, elegant. Or failing that, clothes that at least look nice together, fit and flatter. Most of the time, I think I get there.

But just lately, I have taken this a step further. I am beginning to play around, experiment with different styles. And it feels so liberating! I didn't realise what powerful things our garments are!

I didn't realise that by dressing myself, finding my own individual slant, I would gain a better understanding of the way that I interact with others, and with myself. Self esteem and the way in which we present ourselves are so closely binded.

I feel like a stronger, more beautiful woman when I am in clothing that accentuates not only my figure, but my personality. I actually enjoy having something on that is a little bit unusual. I don't dress like an odd-ball, but I try to have something interesting on each day, be that a pretty brooch, a cute scarf, or my personal favourite, a really beautiful and unusual skirt.

"I feel pretty, Oh so pretty!"

Mood: Happy Happy Joy Joy

Today I am in the most SPECTACULAR mood.

I'm so happy, I smiled all day!

ALL DAY!!

(My face is completely achey, but it was worth it!)

And what, do I hear you ask, has put me in such a fantabulous mood? Why, the very fact that I live in this incredible town, surrounded by the most amazing and beautiful of friends, Nicky gets to stay an extra night with me this week, and I am happy in my soul. First time in a long time, I'm happy in my soul.

I wonder what has changed? I think perhaps the internal dialogue I've been having about this silly tick tock person has helped actually. I'm kind of convinced in myself that he is going to make a move on my friend, which would very neatly answer my question as to whether he likes me or not.

And while I will be desperately disappointed if that should happen, I am listening to what I am saying to myself inside, and what I'm saying is this:

"I'm a fantastic, amazing, intelligent, funny, interesting person. If he chooses her over me, then he's missing out."

She is more attractive physically than me, "she is the Mary", but on the balance, I'd rather be with someone who liked me in my entirety than someone who was more interested in my external appearance.

It's taken me a long time to come to grips with me, and I really like this person that I am. I like my rosy glasses, I like my scars, I like that I am real with my emotions, I like that I can share myself openly with others. I like that I'm willing to trust and love despite experiences that have proven that to be a dangerous thing to do. I love having courage to do hard things, and the resilience to deal with some pretty bad stuff on my own. I like me.

So if the tick tock person doesn't like me, then that's fine by me, he's missing out. I do like him, a lot. I have a sickly crush on him. But I'm not going to "fight" or try to convince him that I'm the better choice. I'm not going to contest this decision. It's up to him. He knows us both, if he wants to go out with her, then good luck to them both.

I'm just a happy little person in myself at the moment. So I don't care what happen's externally (with the exception of Nicky and the custody thing of course!) I'm not going to let external events take this blissful feeling away from me.

Sweet Blissful Joyful Smiles To You All!

Resolution

Ok, so last time I wrote about the custody thing, Mr. D. and I were going to talk about it on Tuesday night. That was last week. So Tuesday night we had a big discussion, and I thought that I got through to him. He was going to come back to me on Saturday with an answer.

So Saturday (yesterday morning) I spoke to him.

"So, have you had a think about how this is going to work?"

"It's not going to happen. The arrangements stay as they are. You can't have another day."

"I'm NOT taking no for an answer. This is going to happen. I'm giving you the option, which day suits you?"

"Neither day. It's not happening."

"Mr. D., you bought up bringing this further. Please understand, I don't want to have to take this futher. But if you aren't prepared to be reasonable, then I will. I have gotten some advice, and the way it would go down is this: The court will order 50 / 50 care. So we can work this out ourselves, or we can go that route, whichever it is, the answer is clearly going to be half care each."

"No. Its not going to happen."

"It is going to happen. Half a week each is not too much to ask. I'm prepared to go week about, four nights with you one week, four nights with me the next. That is completely fair."

"You're not going to give up until you get you're own way are you?"

"It's not about getting my own way. Its about Nicky. At the moment, she's missing out on spending equal time with us, I'm missing out because she's with you more often than me. The only person winning out here is you. I'm not trying to rip you off, or take Nicky from you. I just want this to be an equitable arrangement for all of us."

At this point Shell said something to Mr. D. which I couldn't make out.

"I'm going to hang up now."

"I'll bring Nicky back on Wednesday then."

"No you won't. I'm hanging up." And he did.

So I was thinking that he was just going to try to screw me over, deny me access and be really painful.

But tonight, we spoke on the phone again.

"So, Mr. D., I'm going to bring Nicky back on Wednesday, Ok?"

"Yep. No worries."

"What?"

"No worries, you can have her for the extra night, we'll just work it out as we go along."

"No. We're going to need to have an arrangement that suits us both. A permanent set arrangement."

"Ok."

"So does week about suit you then?"

"Yep, that'll be fine."

"OK. Whats changed your mind about this? Why are you suddenly ready to be so reasonable?"

"Well, I don't want to go to court."

"Neither do I! You bought it up in the first place. I'd rather we could just talk about things and work out a solution by ourselves."

"Me too."

"Well, that's what I've been trying to do, but its pretty hard to talk to someone who isn't interested in compromising."

"Yeah, I know. Alright, well, we'll see you on Wednesday then."

"No worries, bye."

 

So there you go. Apparently we have a resolution. Completely 50 /50. I'm happy with that. I'm slightly concerned about the sudden change of attitude, hoping that it doesn't constitute the calm before the storm. We shall see I guess.

 

Romance

Yeah. Not me I'm afraid. In fact, this particular "romance" has me vaccilating between anger, nausea, and tears.

I think we all know who the bloke is.

A girlfriend of mine has a huge crush on him, and is just hanging out for him to ask her out. And he thinks she's gorgeous. In fact, he referred to her as his dream girl during the week.

Ugh.

But wait, it gets worse.

She would really like for me to help set them up!

(Honestly. You think I could make up something this TOTALLY ROOTED??)

I do not know what the HELL is going to happen here. If he decides that he'd rather go out with her, then I can't do anything about that. (Except sob) I mean, it's not like I can even hope to compete with her. She's freaking gorgeous, and lovely.

I'm at best pretty, and interesting company.

Which would you choose?

It reminds me of that scene in Romy and Michelle where they're fighting over which one of them is the "Mary". In this situation, there is no argument. She's the Mary. And I'd love to bitch about her a bit, but lets face it, she's just lovely. And she's my friend. How she's unaware of my feelings in this matter is a bit of a mystery, but there you have it. Mary wasn't always aware of Rhoda's feelings either, I'm sure.

Heart, meet Carving Knife.

 

Reconnection

My BFFINTWWW has recently moved home, and we are going to catch up this week. I'm super dooper excited!! How good is it to have good friends who live within cooee??

(Not that I don't love all y'all that live so very very far away, it is awesome to see you, please don't quit visiting and allowing me to periodically come crash on the floor / sofa / spare bed at your place.)

BUT, that being said...

I'm so glad that she's come back! Perhaps my retarded behaviours shall be tempered by her? Perhaps she'll assist me by vetting my crushes?? Perhaps we shall revert to our youthful exuberance, and she'll run me over with her car, and we'll drive down long country roads with our lights off, and run down the street in our socks.

OHH!! Perhaps we'll gorge ourselves on Cadbury's and watch old musicals??

Or perhaps, we shall enjoy our current status, as grown up highly successful ladies. And we shall do as ladies do, and discuss art and high culture and our careers and future morgages and the upcoming elections and how the budget will affect us, and whether or not interest rates will rise and that nice Princess Mary while we get our hair set.

Um. Maybe not.

I don't really give a shit what we do, as long as we get to reconnect.

Cos I've really missed her, and I am stoked that she's back!!

I am not here for your convenience.

I am not here so that you may blow in and out of my life.

I am not without feelings.

I am not strong enough to handle your shit.

But I am too strong to be used by you.

 

My fragility is not an invitation to take advantage of me.

Any strength I show is not an invitation to test me.

I do not need you to save me.

Nor do I wish for you to protect me.

 

And if you eat what I've cooked for dinner, you do so at your own peril.

...Of having a crush is that time just before you go to bed, when you are sitting all alone on the couch.

That time when if you had a partner, he would say "Ready for bed?"

And I'd say "Yeah, lets do it."

And he would take my hand and pull me up off the couch and give me a hug, then we'd split up to turn off the lights, him going to the main switch, me turning off the lamp.

Him waiting till I was beside him before he turned the lights off so that I wouldn't trip over. (Cos he knows that I'm totally clumsy)

Me climbing over to my side of the bed, him throwing the covers back, then pulling them over me and me waiting for him to snuggle in before taking one last look into his loving eyes and switching off the lamp.

Him putting his arm under my head, me curling into his side, head on his shoulder, arm across his chest.

Listening to his heartbeat till I fall asleep.

Waking up remembering that last kiss that he gives me on the top of my head, when he thinks I'm asleep.

I would really like that.

I freaking *hate* getting into my big cold bed all by myself.

Waa. *Heads off to big cold bed all by self*

Watching Oprah today, and it was the episode with Pink talking about women and the stupid ways that we behave in today's society.

Something was said that really reasonated with me, not sure why.

"We have to teach our young women that it is OK to be pretty and smart. You can be both."

YOU CAN BE BOTH.

I wonder what it is that makes us as women choose one or the other? I know that it is something that I'm probably guilty of.

At a young age, I was labelled as the smart one. My sisters were the pretty one and the funny one respectively.

I have a total lack of respect, and often an inability to recognise, my own attractiveness. If someone gives me a compliment, I either brush it aside immediately, or if I know them better, tell them off for making fun of me.

I often feel that the person giving me a compliment is making fun of me.

Which is interesting, because from an intellectual point of view, if you recieve the same compliment from several people who don't know each other, then chances are that the compliments are not the result of a conspiricy to mock you. Rather, chances are that the thing that these unrelated people are commenting on is something genuinely pleasing about you.

Also interesting, I am happy to stand and proclaim that I am an intelligent woman. Should someone compliment me on my intelligence, I am happy to graciously accept their compliment. It wouldn't occur to me to tell someone off for that.

I wonder why I cannot accept that I CAN BE BOTH.

 

In a potentially related conversation that I had with my meditation leader on Friday, discussing the whole Mr. D. and Nicky situation, she also said something that just reasonated with me.

"Sounds like you've given up your power."

There was a time when I stood tall, didn't doubt myself, knew that I was a beautiful, intelligent, joyful, powerful woman. That I was the one in charge of how I experienced my life.

It lasted about ten minutes, but my oh my was it blissful.

I would really like to recapture that feeling. Especially now. I know that I would be able to deal better with the stuff that is happening at the moment if I was feeling that secure in myself again.

So this is my mission for the week, based on the theories that:

a) What you focus on expands

b) Positive thoughts breed positive experiences

c) Fake it till you make it baby!

I will:

Breathe

Stand tall

Smile

When asked how I am: I am fantastic.

Breathe

Sing

Laugh

Cry at more appropriate moments

Breathe

and this is the hard one: Accept Help When It Is Offered.

 

I do have the most incredible crew of friends, and they are all there to support me if I can get past my stubborn stupid independence and let them. Accepting support is not a declaration of incompetence.

 

I also wonder if a person can change the person that they intrinsically are? I had a conversation with my Dad yesterday. He said that I really have to stop going through life thinking that everyone is a good person. That I'm too naive for my own good, and that if I didn't get a clue soon that I'd get screwed over. The conversation went on for some time in this vein. Basically, he thinks I have been travelling through life thus far completely deluded as to the nature of people, and the nature of life itself.

I don't know.

I AM surprised when people that I trust betray me.

I DO trust nearly everyone that I meet, or that comes into my life, unless they prove themselves unworthy of such trust.

I DO expect that other people will behave towards me with the same respect and kindness I show them.

I DO try to see the best in people.

And yes, lately I do seem to be getting screwed over with alarmingly monotonous regularity.

But I don't feel a huge desire to change my perception of the world. Sure it sucks when things start to go pear shaped. It hurts when people that you trust betray you, or behave in a manner that is hurtful to you personally.

I believe that the world is a wonderful place. I believe that people ARE inherently good. I love my rose coloured glasses. I'm not taking them off.

I think I'd rather live in a world that occasionally blindsides me with a single horrible incident, than in a world where I am constantly focussing on the negative or unpleasant aspects of those around me, and the events that impact me.

 

I know that I quite often have a sooky la la on this blog, but in real life, I'm a pretty upbeat sort of chicken. And I fully intend on staying this way.

So last night I cracked it bigtime with the silly tick tock person.

We had plans to go out last night, silly plans to go skating. And he pulled out on me in the morning.

Understand that this is the morning after the night before, where I had had an argument with Mr. D. I had a shite load of work on, we had a new lad starting in the office, 14 years old and in need of constant assistance and supervision. I'm trying so hard to keep my poor little sassy head from exploding, and then I get this text message saying that he needs to postpone our outing, because he has contractors coming out to the farm in the morning, and he needs to unload some stuff for them, next week would be good though.

Straw. Camel. Back.

So I sent him a message, Don't Bother.

Unfortunately, that was about ten minutes before all the phone lines crashed, the internet shat itself and everything became rather difficult. So I'm not even sure that he got my message.

Later that evening, after I'd been sitting home thinking about how cranky I was for a while, I rang him.

(Understand that this is paraphrasing of a conversation that lasted for a really quite long time, and obviousy I don't have a tape recorder in my brain, but this was the gist.)

So I rang him, and told him that I can't be friends with him anymore. Because he's too much work and I've got too much else going on, and I don't understand him, and he shits me to tears, and I never pull out of plans with people and its an awful thing to do and I've had enough and I can't do it anymore.

"I'm not talking about this with you now. You're obviously upset. I'll talk to you on Monday."

Red. Rag. Bull.

"No. You won't talk to me on Monday. I'm not talking to you anymore."

"Yes, I WILL talk to you on Monday."

"NO you WON'T"

Second of silence.

"Man you're hard work. Are you having a breakdown or something?"

Unfortunately, that made me laugh. But also a bit crankier.

"I'm not bloody hard work. YOU are hard work. I'm the one who makes all the effort in this friendship. Are we friends or not?? I have so much going on in my life right now, and I don't have the energy to be your friend anymore. Its too much work."

So he then started talking to me. The stuff that was going on with me, did I want to talk about it? NO. Not with him anyway. I have wonderful friends, who bother to come and visit me, and who like to spend time with me, and who don't pull out on plans with me, and I talk to them. Besides which, did he even care? That's good that you've got them, he said, but if I wanted to talk to him he'd listen.

He also said that he'd given me lots of notice about not being able to go out, that he was terribly sorry that he'd had to pull out, but that he couldn't help it if he had work to do, that that was going to happen sometimes, and that he was happy to go out next week if I wanted to. And besides, why didn't I ask if he wanted to go to the pub or something when he'd finished what he'd had to do. We could have done that.

I said that I understood that he had other work to do, but that contractors just don't *arrive* you have to bloody organise them. IN ADVANCE. Hence, you would know that they were coming, and then you would not make plans that you couldn't keep. And cancelling by text is awful and horrible, and all cancellations should be made in person, or at least over the phone. And had it occurred to HIM to ask ME to the pub? After all, is it fair to expect me to come back with an alternative plan after being fobbed off?

Startled. No. It hadn't occurred to him. He should have done that.

And he had completely forgotten that the contractors were coming, he hadn't organised them, his folks had.

He sounded genuine. He apologised. He was very nice about it.

Perhaps I'm just a pathetic person. I don't know. I sincerely hope that he now fully understands that I'm not interested in being treated poorly. I want my friends to treat me with respect, not as a convenience. He sounded like he understood.

And I must say that if someone rang me and said that they didn't want to be my friend anymore, I doubt I would have handled it as well as he did... he cheered me up and made me feel better.

"See, I'm good for you. I make you laugh."

"Yeah. You do do that. I'm sorry I got so angry with you."

"What?? Did you just apologise to me?? Didn't think I'd hear that tonight!"

"Don't get used to it"

I told him that he confused the hell out of me, that I didn't understand him, and that when I had finished talking to him, it felt like... It felt like...

"Like you just got off one of those round-about things that they used to have in playgrounds."

"Just like that. All, confused and mixed up and unsettled."

 

So again, although the conversation itself was bizzare, and although I said lots of things I've needed to say for a while, and although we talked for ages, and I think it was a really amazing conversation from a getting real point of view, I still walked away feeling that way.

And he knew what that feeling was. I wonder what the hell that means.

I asked him how he would feel when he hung up the phone.

"Thirsty?" He laughed.

Dick. Head. ;-)

How can one person tie you up in knots inside like that? I've never met anyone like it. It's rediculous. AND I STILL HAVEN'T GOT A BLOODY CLUE.

I do believe I am a little off centre at the moment. I'm so upset.

It all stems from Mr. D. and the looming argument over Nicky. Its disgusting actually. We've never had a problem in the past, but all of a sudden he's decided that I'm out to get him. He thinks I'm an unfit mother too, according to our last conversation. I wonder if Shell is putting him up to it?

It started last week. I had arranged with Mr. D. for Nicky to be dropped off to the football at 11. They didn't arrive, and at 12.30 I sent a message asking where they were. No reply. My grandmothers were both there with us, and my mother, sister, and two friends of the family. Everyone was asking me where Nicky was, as they had come less to see the football as to have a play with her.

By 2pm I was really worried and upset. I rang, and got Shell on her mobile. They were in town. Had been in town for a while actually. Shell would drop her off in about another two hours.

They were already three hours late! No, I said, I'll come into town and get her.

But we're going to get our haircut.

Thanks anyway Shell, but I can get her hair cut during the week. I had arranged with Mr. D. to meet at the football at 11, and the family is all here waiting to see her. I'll come and get her now.

So I went and picked her up from Shell. They'd been in town for hours. They had Shells mum, her niece, and her son. Lovely family day out. They'd been to see Shell's sister in hospital, where she'd just had a new baby. Shell had mentioned that on the phone the night before, so I knew they were off to visit her that day. Thats fine. But then they had gone shopping, then to McDonalds for lunch, done a bit more shopping and were having afternoon tea when I arrived.

I was really angry that they hadn't kept to the plans we'd made. When Mr. D. called the next night to talk to Nicky, after they'd spoken I got on the phone with him to ask what had happened.

He said, You were really rude to Shell yesterday.

Well, I'm sorry if I was rude, that wasn't my intention. But she was 3 hours late, and we had made plans.

She didn't know that.

Well, I made the plans with you, didn't you tell her?

No.

Like seriously. If I make plans with Mr. D., and he then doesn't pass on the details of those plans to Shell, who's fault is that? Should I be just happy to cop it from all sides in this case?

Then he brings up what is going to happen next year, when Nicky needs to go to school.

She's going to live with us, and go to school in DTown.

Hang on Mr. D. we haven't discussed this. I think we need to look at ways to compromise. We need to look at what is best for Nicky.

I'm going to let you take my daughter from me. Its not going to happen. She's going to live with us. We can give her a stable home. You can't offer her anything.

I'm not trying to take her from you, I wouldn't do that. I'm trying to work out a way that we can both spend time with her. Ok, you are in a relationship, that's great for you. But I'm her mum, and she needs both of us. My home is no less stable or valid than yours just because I don't have a partner.

Bullshit. You have boys around all the time, you go out, Nicky shouldn't be around that.

WHAT? I do NOT have boys around Nicky EVER. I go out, on the nights when Nicky is not with me, and I have every right to do that.

You're living a double life.

For crying out loud. I am not living a double life. I love Nicky very very much, and I would never do anything to hurt her. If I meet someone in the future, I want to be damn sure that that person is going to be around long term before I introduce them to Nicky. Thats protecting her, not living a double life.

Well I don't think that you're a good person for her to be around.

I am a good mother Mr. D.. You are a fantastic dad, I would NEVER say anything like that to you. I am a good mum.

You're a good mum when it suits you. Look, you are the one who f$%^ed up our relationship, so why should I miss out.

Whoa. (This completely floored me.) This isn't about our relationship Mr. D.. This is about Nicky. I could say that you are the one who walked out, and use that against you, but its not about us. It's about Nicky.

And Nicky is my daughter and I won't let you take her from me.

I'm not TRYING to take her from you. I'm trying to work out whats best for her. You're an excellent dad, I would NEVER try to take her from you. We just need to come to a compromise that works for all of us.

Not interested. She lives with us. You can see her on the weekends.

You aren't even prepared to talk about this, are you.

No. She lives with us. Thats the end of it.

Its not the end of it, Mr. D.. We need to talk about it. We need to come to a compromise. And I would really like for that conversation to be a civil one.

Is that a threat?

No! I would like for us to be able to talk about this without name calling and nastiness. It shouldn't be about that, it needs to be about what is best for Nicky.

 

So that was Sunday night. Monday night, I asked if we could split the time that Nicky spends with each of us during the week so that it is 50/50. Currently she spends more time over with Mr. D.

No.

Why not?

Because I hardly see her as it is.

You have her more than I do!

I know, and I hardly get to see her.

Well, that's all the more reason to split the time 50/50. I can spend the time with her, and you are at work anyway, so she's not really missing any extra time with you anyway.

No.

Listen, Mr. D. I'm not asking for too much here. 50/50 is NOT too much to ask. I'm happy to make it a day early for my pickup, or a day later drop off to you, whichever works best for you.

NO.

Listen. Have a think about which day suits you best, because I'm not asking too much. We both have a right to see her, an equal right. 50/50 is NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

I'll think about it. I'll talk to you on Saturday.

 

So today is Saturday. Today, we met at the football. Mr. D., with Shell standing with her hand on the small of his back.

I say, so which day did you decide?

It's not going to happen. You can't have her. We aren't changing the arrangements.

Thats not reasonable. 50/50 IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK! Which day suits you best?

I'm not going to agree to this, unless you agree that she will go to school in DTown and live with us next year.

I'm not agreeing to that. I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not agreeing to it. And besides which, that is a seperate issue. We have to work that out. I'm not talking abou that now though, now we are talking about what happens until the end of the year. And until the end of the year, I would like 50/50 care.

No. Not unless you agree.

You can't make this conditional. That's not fair.

Then no. When this gets to court, you're going to lose.

What? Court? This doesn't need to go there Mr. D. I want to compromise with you. I'm not asking for too much here, just an even split until the end of the year. (I looked at Shell at this point) Shell, is that too much to ask?

We want Nicky with us said Shell.

This carried on for a while longer, rather repetative, sorry. But in the end, Mr. D. asks if I will bring Nicky in on Tuesday, and we will talk about it then.

I agreed to that. So I guess we'll see what happens on Tuesday.

 

I think I'm not very bright sometimes. I just assumed that because I wasn't being strategic about access and custody that Mr. D. wasn't either. It would never have occurred to me that allowing Nicky to go to DTown for longer than she is here would lead to this. I just figured that it was better for her to be with Shell than with a paid babysitter.

I would really like to settle this between the two of us (Mr. D. and I) but if he thinks that I'm not prepared to fight him if I have to, then he's wrong. I'm not prepared to just walk away and let him dictate what is best.

I'm not asking for too much am I?

Isn't it funny how things happen sometimes?

I went out with that tick tock person tonight for dinner, it was his birthday today. I took him a silly card and a muffin with a candle in it at lunch time. I got to light it with a blowtorch, because I didn't have matches, and neither did he. I've not used a blowtorch before, so that was cool. Dinner was nice, as always, and fun in that off centre weird kind of way that it always is. I always laugh so much when I'm with him. He's excellent company really.

Learned something interesting tonight. He had absolutely no idea what colour my eyes were. At all. None. He asked me what colour his eyes were, and I told him (we were driving home - it was dark so we couldn't cheat). I was right. He said that another friend of his had told him he was weird because he didn't notice what colour people's eyes were. That is bloody weird don't you think?

He had a guess at mine, and the best he could come up with was brown. Blue was his second guess. I ask you, brown eyes with my colouring? I'd look like a zombie-corpse-alien!!

For the record, my eyes are blue. Very blue.

Anyways, we had been talking briefly about different things, and at one point he said "You have so many men in your life, I can't keep up!"

HA, said I, There are no men in my life, only my dad.

And me! He say's.

Mmm. I don't know whether I'd count you or not, I replied with a smile.

We had been discussing two of my ex's, one who was in at my work this morning doing a job for me, and the other being Mr. D. (who is being a complete tool at the moment, refusing me access to Nicky and basically just behaving badly - but thats another story all together, and one I'm still to tender to write just yet.). This is what prompted the "too many men" comment.

So you can imagine my little smirk of silliness when tonight after being dropped off by the watchmaker, my phone beeped with a new message.

It was Bloke. He's back in town for a couple of days, on break. We're going to have lunch during the week. In town. In public.

Don't want to give the jackals any more gossip fodder if I can help it.

Maybe I do have too many men in my life... pity that they are all ex's or completely disinterested in dating me. Good thing my life is also full of excellent female friends, and some excellent always-platonic male friends, or I'd go blinking nuts!!

Thankyou to those of you who spent some time thinking happy thoughts for my friend.

I went to visit him today, and while he did look like death reheated, I can't decide if he was as bad as I was expecting or not. That's an odd comment to make isn't it. Let me try to explain.

I guess I was expecting him to be lying in bed, all hooked up to machines and stuff. But he was sitting up in a chair, and although he had a canula in his arm, he wasn't hooked up to anything.

But at the same time, he looked like shit. Everything was plastered up, or braced, or taped into place. And he was so very pale. But he was smiling, he didn't stop smiling. Even though he was obviously in quite a bit of pain.

He's just so very lucky to be alive. He told me about the accident (what he could remember) and the timelines involved. Just frightening. He was so stoic about the whole thing - "Yeah, might have to start being a bit more careful." You can't do anything but laugh at a comment like that, coming from someone in his position. Bloody cracker.

In the end, I didn't take anything with me. I figured that until I'd seen him I wouldn't know what he was capable of doing. I did mention the stripper thing, a passing male nurse thought that that was a great idea, however, after talking to my friend, next time I go in I'll take him a book or two. His TV wasn't working, I think he was more upset about that than his numerous injuries. Boys are so very odd.

Right Now:

My Life is full of love

My Life is full of joy

I have a beautiful daughter whom I love with all my heart

I have amazing, strong, talented and loving friends

I have an incredible job that I love

I have a home that is warm, safe and welcoming

I live in a community that feels like home to me

 

In the Future I will Have:

A loving, long term relationship with a wonderful partner

A job that pays me enough to buy my own home

A Holden in my driveway

Mood: Sombre

A friend of mine went sailing off the road a couple of days ago. A serious accident that I've only just heard about. They think he crashed at about midnight, but wasn't found until 7am.

He's a good guy.

To be honest, it floored me. This person, a good, honest, friendly person, is right this moment lying in a hospital bed in Intensive Care. Last Friday, we were chatting in the diner, talking 'bout his poddy's, and on Saturday, he could have died.

It frightens me. I'm frightened for him.

I know that you don't know him, but believe me, he's a good person. He's always polite, he'll always stop and have a chat to you, he's got a very gentle sense of humour, and he's just... nice. I don't think he has a vindictive bone in his entire body. He's one of those people that you trust, as soon as you meet them.

Late last year, around Christmas time, my phone rang at 3am. This guy had a party going at his house, and someone there had my number and thought it would be a good idea to see what I was up to.

The other person dialled my number, and threw my friend the phone as I answered. He was obviously drunk - but you know, he was still an absolute gentleman. We had a very civilised conversation, he apologised for waking me, and that was that. Mostly, it would bug the hell out of me if someone did that. But the way he was, it didn't bother me at all. That's the sort of guy he is. It's just nice to see him, he's such easy, pleasant company.

Apparently he has some pretty horrific injuries, they aren't allowing visitors. I don't know any more than that, but I guess he's probably not doing that great if he's still in intensive care.

My first reaction when someone is in trouble is to go help them. There is nothing that I can do for my friend, other than pray, and that isn't something that I've had a lot of practice at lately.

So anyone who's reading this, if you have faith, could you please send up a prayer for my friend? He doesn't deserve this. No-one does.

Mood: Confused somewhat

Well. Well. Well.

Three holes in the ground.

(Thankyou, thankyou, I'll be here all week, try the veal.)

 

The crush has finally crushed my spirit. Tonight was supposed to be the night where this whole situation got sorted. Where answers were forthcoming. Where I was told, in English, what the status of this relationship is.

Instead, we watch a movie that completely blows my mind away (Kokoda - well worth seeing if you haven't as yet, though be prepared for some gore. It's a movie about war people, what else do you expect.)

We then went out and had dinner - which was nice, but there was constant banter about being nice / not nice / liking each other / not liking each other / appropriate behaviour / inappropriate behaviour / compliments / insults.

Oh, and his ex-girlfriend is coming to stay next week. She's moving from the other side of the country to somewhere quite substantially closer. Still not within walking distance, but definitely do-able in a day trip. This was sort of an aside, which was funny (perculiar, not ha ha). I wonder if they'll get back together?

 

And I actually realised something quite important tonight.

I have some really fantastic male friends. They are fun to go out with, they make me laugh, and I have an awesome time with them.

Is it really necessary for me to crush on this person, with whom I have just pure fun? Or would it be better to NOT crush on him, and have him in my life as a friend forever?

I rather begin to think that the latter may be better.

Now I just have to re-educate my heart, and all will be well.

 

Oh, and he invited me to go out with him on Saturday night. Don't really know what to say to that actually. I reckon it'd be fun! But at the same time, is this an activity that will aid the re-education process? Doubtful.

Oh, bugger it all to buggery. Who even knows.