All The Small Things

These things are just whizzing round in my mind, so I'm going to release them onto the page, take flight little thoughts... This is mostly going to be self indulgent rubbish, so please feel free to skip reading this entry.

For a while now, I have felt like there is this beacon inside of me, lighting my way forward. Perhaps its faith, or something more primal than that even. It makes me feel strong and tall when its shining brightly. Its warmth makes me feel as though I'm glowing. It lights me up, I smile constantly, I shine. I work like a fury, and produce amazing results. My days pass in a whirl of wonderful, loving, real exchanges with anyone I come in contact with. I feel things. I say what I truly think.

It started last year. I was part of this amazing leadership program. It stretched me in new and interesting ways. It made me take a long hard look at myself. It exposed me to people who gave me incredibly honest feedback about my behaviour. It made me realise that I have an inherent value. It made me realise that I can make a difference to my community, just by being me. By proactively changing those things that I can change, if and when that change is appropriate. I can influence those around me, simply by working with integrity for the best interests of my community.

I felt like I was inherently valuable. I felt really good about me as a person.

Since then, I've been struggling with that. There are days when I don't feel like I have anything to offer. Days when I feel like I am not good at anything, that I can't achieve, that I'm ugly, have a fat butt, and am generally not very interesting.

I got it for a couple of weeks though. The light was beaming, I was walking tall. It felt amazing. I felt pretty. Thats a big one. I felt really pretty.

I can't even pinpoint the moment, you know, when that light started to dim. Right now its just a flicker.

I wish I knew what exactly it was that dimmed my light. Its not so much the professional side of things, on a community level, on a professional level, I'm managing to function reasonably well. Not well, certainly not as well as I would like to be functioning, not to the fullest of my potential, but reasonably well.

Personally, I'm not doing at all well. It has a lot to do with whats been happening with Mr. D. and the watchmaker. There is a part of me that holds that my value is dependent on having the affections of a significant other.

It bruised my ego that Mr. D. got engaged.

The whole watchmaker situation stabs me in the heart.

I can't wait for a time when I have the self worth to hold that feeling of being perfectly fine alone. I had it. I held it in my soul, and it felt like freedom. I was on my own, and I was fine. I was more than fine, I was fan-bloody-tastic. I was revelling in my independence, every moment took on a crisp bright newness that reflected the light beaming from inside of me.

Then I met the watchmaker and I fell back into the trap of basing my sense of worth on what he thought of me. Does he like me? Does he not?

It shouldn't bloody matter.

I LIKE ME. The only person who should be able to toggle the dimmer on my light is me.

How do I wrestle the control back? How do I climb back to the top of the mountain? Now that I know what it feels like to be in that place, that magical place where everything just works, how could I ever be happy to live in this dullness?

I'd like to fight my way out of this mire. Perhaps I just say to myself, self, I am taking back my value. Heart, give it up. It doesn't belong to you. Head, please put this in a safe place, up high, where Heart can't reach it.

Thats not the answer though. Head and Heart do not operate with autonomy. They are creatures that need one another to survive. The symbiotic nature of their relationship is infuriating and impossible.

My head listens. Yes Sass. Sure Sass. Anything you desire Sass.

My heart is like a small child. Yes Sass. Look at me Heart. Yes Sass. Do you understand what I'm asking of you? I like puppies. That isn't what I was asking you. And gumballs, I really like gumballs.

Incorrigible.

My head is quite willing to think that I can take back my worth, stand tall and be the independent woman I pretend to be to the world, with varying degrees of sucess. It knows that I really will be fine on my own.

My heart is bruised, battered and crying out to be held gently in the hands of a loving man. My heart has itself set on the watchmaker playing this role. My heart isn't quite ready to accept the possibility that he isn't interested in me. My poor pathetic heart is leaving itself open to yet again being dropped, and perhaps even ground underfoot by someone who doesn't recognise the value of the gift it is giving.

Perhaps it is this struggle that is taking up so much of my energy. Perhaps there is only a finite amount of energy within me, and by spending so much of it trying to re-synchronise my heart and head, the light suffers from deminished supply.

I am at a loss. I am lost. I am dimmed. I am determined. I am going to shine again. I'm just not sure when that will be.

I feel better for having gotten it out.

 

Mood: Melancholy and Confused

So I was totally OK after I found out that the watchmaker had a girlfriend.

Peeved, shocked, but OK.

And I was OK when Mr. D. started dating Shell.

Took a minute to get used to the idea, but OK.

I was OK when Mr. D. and Shell announced that they were going to buy a house.

Surprised that they were moving so fast, but OK.

I was even reasonably OK when the watchmaker announced his new singleness.

Confused about where that left us, but OK.

I think I have been pretty good about dealing with a whole heap of stuff lately. I've taken some hits that (to me anyway) seemed pretty hard. And I think I've dealt with them with some degree of grace.

I haven't thrown a hissy fit, I haven't wept and screamed and held my breath, I've congratulated the happy couple, I've offered to help them move, I've been friends with the watchmaker, and I've forgiven him for being an arse. I've been supportive of his moping miserableness. I've applauded their happiness.

BUT I HAVE NOW HIT MY QUOTA.

Not-100%-Word-For-Word-But-You-Get-The-Idea-Transcript of a Conversation with Mr. D. on Tuesday Morning:

"Hey"

"Oh, Hi Mr. D. Whats up?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just thought I'd ring to tell you that Nicky's sick. She's been vomiting all night, and we've just got back from the Doctors. He said she's got gastro."

"Gosh Mr. D, is she OK now? Where is she?"

"She's OK, we've given her some Panadol, she's sleeping"

(Insert five to ten minutes of conversation about vomit, gastro and treatments for same.)

"Righto then. Well, give her a big cuddle for me, and I'll ring to talk to her later OK?"

"Yeah, no worries. By the way I got engaged on the weekend."

"Sorry?"

"I got engaged. On the Weekend. But don't stress, you're invited. Front row seats."

"Oh"

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Congratulations. Thats great."

"Yeah, well I wanted to tell you in person, but... You Know."

"Well, thanks for telling me."

"No worries, well, better go. See you later."

"Bye."

 

ENGAGED...

Ok, so they are totally soulmates and whatever. But they've been going out for what? Two months at the absolute most.

Its not even just a dodgy "Lets get married" type engagement. Its a full on, on bended knee, with ring, notice in the paper type engagement.

OK.

Breathe.

 

Now it's not like I'm pining away over Mr. D.

He's happy with Shell, and I'm happy for them. Honestly. I'm glad that they are together. She's a great girl. They make a beautiful couple. And so on.

But seriously. He is moving faster than Flash Gordon at the moment, isn't he?

And what a shitty way to tell me. "By the way..."

"By the way, I'll be ten minutes late."

"By the way, I like your new haircut"

These are suitable ways to use the expression.

"I am about to commit to someone for the rest of my life, which will have major implications for both our relationship, our daughters home life, custody arrangements, financial arrangements etc."

This is not a subject that can be compacted into an aside. This is a start a new paragraph, use proper grammar and punctuation style announcement.

Add to this that I was suffering from a very mild case of gastro myself, and you can imagine that I really wasn't in a very good way.

I'm generally a pretty cheerful little sausage, but it took me a couple of days to get to a point where I'm OK with the engagement thing.

Thursday I was still feeling a little off. I went in to see the watchmaker, who had also been a crankypants all week, since the breakup. I was expecting to join in with the general mood of malaise that had permeated the shop since he'd broken up. However, I went in, he asks how I am:

"Really ordinary actually."

"Really? Thats no good. I feel great. I've been feeling crappy since Sunday, but today, I reckon I'm getting over it. I feel great!"

"Good for you." Deadpan.

"Wow, you really are upset, aren't you. Whats up?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it."

"Righto. Well, what can I do to cheer you up?"

"I don't know."

"What have I got??" Rummages around in office... "Home made fruit roll up?"

"Lovely. Thankyou." (Eats)

"What can I do?"

"Get me out of the house. What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing."

"Do you want to do something?"

"Ok, what do you want to do?"

"I don't care. Anything. Anything that gets me out of my house."

"Lets walk along the trail"

"Ok."

So he met me at my place and he'd changed his mind. Instead of the trail, we went walking on the mud flats. It was lovely.

We walked through the ruins, on the flats, and he made up silly stories...

"This is where the dwarves live, they come out at night, they're magic. See all the little trees?"

"This is where we hosted the golf tournament a couple of years back. Tiger flew in, Greggo Norman parked his boat up the river, it was a good day out."

"This was a huge boat, (pointing to remains of trestle bridge) but it crashed into this massive iceberg..."

And so on. He was so silly and playful that he really did cheer me up considerably.

We talked about silly things, but we also talked about what was going on for each of us. He told me about the breakup, and I told him about the engagement. It was nice to be able to share real actual details of our lives. It felt nice that he trusted me enough to discuss it with me.

He's gone to Melbourne for the weekend. Sent me a message "Going to find some hot chicks and hit the piss"

I sent back "Just don't get confused and find hot piss and hit the chicks. They don't take kindly to that kind of behaviour in the big smoke!"

I never come away from spending time with the watchmaker feeling settled. I just never quite know where I stand with him. I don't know if he likes me, I don't know what he wants from me. I hate not knowing.

Ergh.

I'm off to Melbourne myself on Tuesday. Should be good. I'm looking forward to getting all dressed up and going to a meeting in the middle of the city. It feels so very grown up. It feels surreal. I'm going to discuss insurance, and the ramifications of having groups under our Incorporated banner. That sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it!

I feel like such a fraud sometimes.