All The Small Things

Mood: Reflective

Monday I did Yoga.

Tuesday, I cleaned my entire house and did three loads of washing.

Tonight I went for a walk that lasted an hour and a half.

Tomorrow, I am taking a bike ride.

Friday, I am attending a meditation circle.

 

I feel very active.

 

I'm compensating. Trying hard to keep myself busy so that I won't be thinking about the fact that my phone isn't ringing, or beeping with new messages, or anything for that matter. That I am being roundly ignored.

It's one thing to mentally prepare oneself for rejection. It's another to live through that rejection, attempting to retain some dignity.

I will not call.

I will not call.

I will not call.

I will not call.

I will not call.

It's such a hard thing not to do though! I'm frustrated.

But at the same time, there is a pleasant feeling that comes from the frustration. I'm frustrated because this person doesn't realise what he's missing out on, in missing out on me. I'm a bloody good catch. In Sassville, I'm a bloody bloody good catch. Intelligent, attractive, occasionally witty women are not exactly in excessive supply here. Stupid man.

But in my frustration with him, I am recognising my own intrinsic value. I am recognising that this is HIS loss, not mine.

And while it is irritating to find that a man with the qualities I seek does not see the value in me, I remain confident that there is someone out there who is a fit for me.

And when that man should appear in my life, at least I won't be wasting time waiting about for this silly man, and expending my energy in chasing him. I'll be spending it on yoga, walking, riding, meditating, and my house will be spark-a-lark-a-ling.

I really like the strength and independence that I am uncovering in myself. It's so very often a revelation, discovering the person that you are.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading lately, and in discussing this with a friend was absolutely horrified to discover that he didn't read.

This seems to be a very prevalent trend among the folks I've been talking to.

I don't think I will ever understand people who just don't read. How could you not? All the knowledge in the world is contained in books, preserved using the written word. It seems almost criminal to ignore this in favour of mindless television, or even worse, computer games.

I personally love to read. I'm never happier than with a big fat book in my hand, (not that fussy about what it is) a block of Mr Cadbury's finest to my right, and a latte sitting just within reach. Alternatively, french onion sour cream dip and a pack of Clix, and a cold V & O. I'm probably more discerning in my choice of snack than my choice of reading material!

I don't understand the lack of reading that goes on in the world today. It leads to poor habits among those who do not read, in their written communications. The horrific spelling, punctuation and grammar that is used by "young people" today makes my eyes bleed. The fact that it seems to be moving through the generations like a virus disturbs me greatly.

Or should I say gr8ly?

Add to this, that most people seem to think that the Da Vinci Code is the height of literary accomplishment, and I dread to think where our civilization will end up.

Mood: Happy
Listening to: Six Feet Under

Just thought I'd stick some pictures up for y'all. Practice making the perfect and all that...

This is what we had for breakfast on morning #1 at Almosts. It is a cocktail of strawberries, orange juice and ice, garnished with a fresh juicy strawberry. We followed this with the amazing Thai Chicken Pie and salad. Eat your heart out eateries of Melbourne!

 This is the dessert that I scoffed after the concert on the first night in town. I guess that they must have thought it prudent to label the dessert cakes in order to assist the numerous international visitors. Though I don't know that I would order something labelled this way if I were translating it using a dictionary. Just me perhaps. The ice-cream was my idea. Yurm.

And this is me. I can't really say that it isn't a good photo, but I don't think the subject matter does justice to my beautiful friend Almost's fantastic  photographic skills. In the background, the Arts Centre where we went to the concert.

And I know, I know. I shouldn't post photos. Consider me chastised. Love you Almost xoxo.

Just finished reading this book "He's just not that into you"

Interesting.

Very very interesting.

 

It would appear that there is not one single solitary person in my life at the moment who actually fits within the guidelines set by the book as "Into me".

Quite a few who are obviously NOT into me though.

Crushed.

 

Chocolate please.

Sorry about that, I just flaked out.

So, the rest of the trip...

After the concert, we took a walk round the City centre, sat in a lovely little Greek cafe, and had coffee and cake. Then we wandered up the street a ways, looked with awe and some disgust at the spending spree that is the fishies floating on the Yarra, and then on to the War Memorial.

What a spectacular building that is. I'd never been. I'm going to have to spend some time walking about in the day time and do the tour I think.

Then we went home. The next day we slept in till lunch time, then Almost procured a Thai Chicken pie with salad for lunch. Delish, Almost, Delish.

From there we headed into the city on public transport - something else that has many many pros and cons I think... and we went perving in the city. It's nice to be able to say that we have quite similar taste in men! That was great fun!

We visited the Pissaro Exhibition, which as I covered last night, was incredible. Then we headed home, where our intention was to have an early night, as my train left at 8.30am from Spencer St.

But we did the usual thing for our bunch, and stayed up talking half the night. I loved every single minute of my time in Melbourne, and spending it with Almost was excellent. I forget what a thoughtful, gentle, intelligent, insightful man he is when I don't get to see him as often as I'd like to.

 

Today...

Is my Dad's Birthday. Happiest of Birthdays to you my darling Dad.

We didn't always get along when I was younger, I guess we were too much alike. The qualities we share are the ones I am most proud of, the ones I struggle most with. I thankyou for passing to me your loyalty, honesty, intelligence, stubborness and pride.

You were there for me when my world collapsed Dad, and I don't quite know how you managed to fit me on your lap to hold and rock me. I wish I could let you know just how much that meant to me, how loved I felt, how safe. I thank you for being able to help me through my pain, and not knocking the person who caused it into tomorrow. You were my rock.

I love that we have found a way to communicate, and an understanding of each other. I love our conversations. I love being able to talk to you. I love that you can finally look at me and tell me that you love me. I know how hard that was for you to do, but I really needed to hear it.

I wish you dry days and good roads, cheap petrol and weekends rostered off.

I love you Dad.

Even if you do call cats by inappropriate names sometimes...

Melbourne is such an interesting place. It has the effect of making me realise what I've simultaenously given up and gained by choosing my life in Sassville.

I've given up being in a space where people talk about art and poetry and politics and social issues during normal discourse.

I've given up access to galleries, and therefore opportunities to see things like the Pissarro exhibition currently on at the National Gallery (which was awesome by the way, and if you have access to it, go see it NOW!!!)

I've given up being able to decide what I feel like for lunch and find it within 10 minutes walk. I've given up being able to go for coffee and cake at 11pm, in a proper coffee shop. I've given up seeing performing artists doing amazing things in public spaces.

But at the same time, I've gained some amazing things too. I've got enough quiet time in my life to know what my mind is. I can't think in the city. I've gained the views from my windows, not of grey concrete, or sardine like neighbours, or dirty littered creeks, but of beautiful soaring mountains, verdent green paddocks and blue lake.

I've gained the freedom of cheaper housing, crowdless streets, easy parking, friendly happy locals, and a strong and cohesive community.

On the balance, I'm very happy with my decision to live where I do, but there is a part of me that knows that some parts of me would soar in the city. I love the culture and knowledge and intelligent conversation that is available there.

And, lets face it, some of the friends I love most in my life are in Melbourne. Almost, Miss E., and my most novel friend. But moving there wouldn't guarantee that we would see each other any more than we do, and I kind of like that we can visit one another.

My friend Almost took me to Melbourne in his beautiful little car, when we arrived we went to a funky little shop in Hawthorn and had a steak dinner which was devine, then we headed to his place to get gussied up for the concert.

We made it to the Arts Centre in plenty of time, picked up our tickets and took our seats. We went to see Bic Runga, and she was amazing. The incredibly talented Neil Finn was supporting, and the band was quite extensive. Backup singers, the whole deal. But I have to say my favourite bits were when the band took off and she accompanied herself on guitar.

The concert raised the issue of what is acceptable behaviour in a public space. Photographs were being taken (which was not allowed, and everyone knew it) but as they were being taken, during one of the most popular songs, the ushers were charging like elephants up and down the aisles, shining their torches on the culprits. Now I ask you, what is the story with that? I found it disgusting that they allowed cameras in, if you weren't allowed to use them, but the ushers were nearly as irritating.

Then the girls that were sitting beside us. Oh. My. God. They arrived late, after Bic had started singing. They pushed past us, then fiddled round with their mobile phone screen lighting up their tickets as they tried to figure out which row they should be sitting on and in which seats.

Sit The HELL DOWN!!!!!!! I was thinking, and eventually they did. About two songs before the intermission. When they left, again pushing past us. One of them hit me quite hard with her bag on her way back in after intermission, kept walking, finished her loud conversation with her friend, then turned back to me and said sorry. Now, I'm sorry, but if you hit someone, you apologise. You don't keep walking and chatting and then add it as a postscript.

To add insult to injury, the four of them were giggling and chatting away, long after the lights had gone down, the band were back on, and singing had started. They were making fun of one of the band members hair. Almost and I were both disgusted by their behaviour, adn Almost leaned across me and told them very politely that if they didn't be quiet he'd have them removed.

They were much better behaved after that.

I'm a bit tired actually, so I might leave the rest of this for tomorrow.

Hugs,

Sass.

Its been months (plural and more than 2) since I last had sex?

And a month since I kissed that young man... (Boy - do I regret that on reflection. Stupid decisions are made when I consult with Dr. Vodka. He gives very bad advice. Don't listen to him!!)

 

I must be growing up. I'm not missing it at all.

 

I really do think that I'm over the whole self-medicating with physical affection thing. There is fun to be had - no doubt about that. But I'm really not that sort of girl, you know? It doesn't make me feel good about myself to think that I behaved like that, and I won't be doing it again.

 

I haven't been to the pub in a month. I don't miss that either.

Or the people. The boys have no respect for themselves, drinking themselves stupid and behaving badly, and I'm just as bad really. There is no dignity in behaving like that. I just have no desire to be there at all.

 

Funny though. I kind of thought that there would be a decision made about it, I thought I'd have to decide that this wasn't the path I wanted to follow anymore, but it just sort of happened.

With a whimper.

Glad though. Very, Very, Very Glad.

Tomorrow I'll blog about my trip to Melbourne, which was awesome, however, until then, something to think about...

Something that came up in conversation during the week.

"You will have trouble finding a long term relationship, because men do not want to date women with children."

Discuss.

xoxo Sass oxox

Mood: Happy and Joyful and Stuff
Listening to: Little Britain

Unexpected: My beautiful friend Almost arriving from Melbournia, taking me out to dinner with Nicky, and catching up. Also being invited to a concert by this AWESOME chicky (who I'd not heard of before) for this Thursday night!!

Hooray for invitations to concerts I say!

I actually haven't been to a concert since my Best Friend in the World dragged me along to see "Girlfriend" when we were... what?... 10? I remember Miss Tink being so very excited that we got seats right in front of the speakers. Myself, I was disturbed by the amount of towel and water bottle action that was going on. And by the volume. And the dancing.

Guess I was a pretty dull old 10 year old!

Still, I am excited at the prospect of being able to say that I have attended a proper adult concert. I'm so grown up and stuff!

Trivial: While we were at dinner on the first night, Almost, Nicky and I were accosted by a very charismatic gentleman asking if we were wishing to play a little trivia. And as we are trivial folks, we did. Considering there were only two of us, I think we did pretty well.

In fact, we enjoyed it so much that we decided to do it again the next night with whichever of our mates we could scare up. So it was a party of 5 originals and 2 ring ins that took hold of the Trivia Answer Sheet and proceeded to come... well... not last anyways. Close, but not last! I thought that my continued participation in the JtH Trivia Challenge would have stood me in good stead - but alas, 'twas to no end.

My favorite bit - heckling the guy doing the questions! (Which sounds bad, but he was a mate of one of our mates, and was giving as good as he got!)

Juggly: One of our beautiful friends, Jimmy, is the most amazingly talented guy. He uni-cycles, plays amazing guitar, drums, does body prucussion, and last night at the pub, was showing off his JUGGLING!!

Five balls, cascading, columns, very cool. He's taught the barman in the pub to juggle, which was cool. Periodically he would pop out from behind the bar, toss a few balls up "Do the Claw" and then disappear again.

Its always awesome to be around Jimmy, juggling or not.

And

Swears... I gave up swearing a fortnight ago, and I am pleased to report that I haven't let a bad word slip my lips in the last week. Hooray for cleaning up my pottymouth! It is a disgusting habit I think, for a lady to swear. And I am a lady. I do intend to start behaving and looking like one!

Next on the agenda: Fingernails. I'm going to stop biting them.

S... t... a... r...t... i... n...g... g... g... g...

Now!

Mood: Happy and Loved

It was my birthday yesterday, and I have to say, it was awesome.

Pretty slow to start, I slept in till 10, when my phone started going nuts. Messages coming in from all quarters, wishing me the best of the day.

From home, and after a beautiful relaxing breakfast of hot coffee and toast, I headed to the Show.

Show was cool, though the weather was hot. I watched the horse events, then perused the pavillions to my little hearts content. Ran into lots of folks from round the town, got lots of cuddles and birthday kisses.

Dinner time came round surprisingly quickly - and the plan had been to meet up with some girlfriends for dinner at the pub, and the three of us girls would go out afterwards. However, it turned out that Miss L. couldn't leave home, as one of her sons was sick.

So instead I was invited to head out to a BBQ at their place, and my other girlfriend and her partner would join us there. Sounded like a good plan to me, so I packed up my vroom vroom and off I went.

On arrival, beautiful Miss L. and I made up some dip, and set the table on the verandah overlooking the valley. Tablecloth, candles, and antipasto. What's not to love about that!

JC was down from Canberra for a visit, and he and Mr. C. joined us after getting dinner underway.  Mex and Cora arrived shortly thereafter with their kids, and a whole bag full of goodies.

Party hats, donned by all present, and a big Happy Birthday banner was hung between the verandah posts. Unfortunately, the grapevine was obscuring it, but Mr. C. made short work of that when he attacked it rather vigorously with the pruning shears.

We had a magnificent dinner, roast done in the Webber, and little packages of vegies wrapped in foil and roasted with butter and a sprig of rosemary. Stunning.

Dessert arrived in the form of a chocolate cake sporting sparklers, and my beautiful friends sang me the traditional. Then the kids and I played with the remaining sparklers in the driveway, spinning and turning like fiery dervishes.

I got home a little after one, feeling so blessed to have such amazing friends in my life.

Mum pointed out to me today that it was the first birthday I have spent away from the family.

I guess it was.

Its one thing to know that your family will always be there for you. Its another thing altogether to know that you have created for yourself friendships that are so strong that they overcome distance, time, and all manner of other obstacles, and endure.

To know that there are people who love you because of who you are, as a person. To know that your friends will make an effort to celebrate with you because they have chosen to be there with you, not because they have to. It made me realise once again how very blessed I am to have my friends in my life.

It also made me realise that I'm shit at calling other people for their birthdays. Thats my birthday resolution this year. I'm going to get one of those Birthday Reminder Books, and ring my wonderful friends for their birthdays, if I can't be with them on the day.

These things are just whizzing round in my mind, so I'm going to release them onto the page, take flight little thoughts... This is mostly going to be self indulgent rubbish, so please feel free to skip reading this entry.

For a while now, I have felt like there is this beacon inside of me, lighting my way forward. Perhaps its faith, or something more primal than that even. It makes me feel strong and tall when its shining brightly. Its warmth makes me feel as though I'm glowing. It lights me up, I smile constantly, I shine. I work like a fury, and produce amazing results. My days pass in a whirl of wonderful, loving, real exchanges with anyone I come in contact with. I feel things. I say what I truly think.

It started last year. I was part of this amazing leadership program. It stretched me in new and interesting ways. It made me take a long hard look at myself. It exposed me to people who gave me incredibly honest feedback about my behaviour. It made me realise that I have an inherent value. It made me realise that I can make a difference to my community, just by being me. By proactively changing those things that I can change, if and when that change is appropriate. I can influence those around me, simply by working with integrity for the best interests of my community.

I felt like I was inherently valuable. I felt really good about me as a person.

Since then, I've been struggling with that. There are days when I don't feel like I have anything to offer. Days when I feel like I am not good at anything, that I can't achieve, that I'm ugly, have a fat butt, and am generally not very interesting.

I got it for a couple of weeks though. The light was beaming, I was walking tall. It felt amazing. I felt pretty. Thats a big one. I felt really pretty.

I can't even pinpoint the moment, you know, when that light started to dim. Right now its just a flicker.

I wish I knew what exactly it was that dimmed my light. Its not so much the professional side of things, on a community level, on a professional level, I'm managing to function reasonably well. Not well, certainly not as well as I would like to be functioning, not to the fullest of my potential, but reasonably well.

Personally, I'm not doing at all well. It has a lot to do with whats been happening with Mr. D. and the watchmaker. There is a part of me that holds that my value is dependent on having the affections of a significant other.

It bruised my ego that Mr. D. got engaged.

The whole watchmaker situation stabs me in the heart.

I can't wait for a time when I have the self worth to hold that feeling of being perfectly fine alone. I had it. I held it in my soul, and it felt like freedom. I was on my own, and I was fine. I was more than fine, I was fan-bloody-tastic. I was revelling in my independence, every moment took on a crisp bright newness that reflected the light beaming from inside of me.

Then I met the watchmaker and I fell back into the trap of basing my sense of worth on what he thought of me. Does he like me? Does he not?

It shouldn't bloody matter.

I LIKE ME. The only person who should be able to toggle the dimmer on my light is me.

How do I wrestle the control back? How do I climb back to the top of the mountain? Now that I know what it feels like to be in that place, that magical place where everything just works, how could I ever be happy to live in this dullness?

I'd like to fight my way out of this mire. Perhaps I just say to myself, self, I am taking back my value. Heart, give it up. It doesn't belong to you. Head, please put this in a safe place, up high, where Heart can't reach it.

Thats not the answer though. Head and Heart do not operate with autonomy. They are creatures that need one another to survive. The symbiotic nature of their relationship is infuriating and impossible.

My head listens. Yes Sass. Sure Sass. Anything you desire Sass.

My heart is like a small child. Yes Sass. Look at me Heart. Yes Sass. Do you understand what I'm asking of you? I like puppies. That isn't what I was asking you. And gumballs, I really like gumballs.

Incorrigible.

My head is quite willing to think that I can take back my worth, stand tall and be the independent woman I pretend to be to the world, with varying degrees of sucess. It knows that I really will be fine on my own.

My heart is bruised, battered and crying out to be held gently in the hands of a loving man. My heart has itself set on the watchmaker playing this role. My heart isn't quite ready to accept the possibility that he isn't interested in me. My poor pathetic heart is leaving itself open to yet again being dropped, and perhaps even ground underfoot by someone who doesn't recognise the value of the gift it is giving.

Perhaps it is this struggle that is taking up so much of my energy. Perhaps there is only a finite amount of energy within me, and by spending so much of it trying to re-synchronise my heart and head, the light suffers from deminished supply.

I am at a loss. I am lost. I am dimmed. I am determined. I am going to shine again. I'm just not sure when that will be.

I feel better for having gotten it out.

 

Mood: Melancholy and Confused

So I was totally OK after I found out that the watchmaker had a girlfriend.

Peeved, shocked, but OK.

And I was OK when Mr. D. started dating Shell.

Took a minute to get used to the idea, but OK.

I was OK when Mr. D. and Shell announced that they were going to buy a house.

Surprised that they were moving so fast, but OK.

I was even reasonably OK when the watchmaker announced his new singleness.

Confused about where that left us, but OK.

I think I have been pretty good about dealing with a whole heap of stuff lately. I've taken some hits that (to me anyway) seemed pretty hard. And I think I've dealt with them with some degree of grace.

I haven't thrown a hissy fit, I haven't wept and screamed and held my breath, I've congratulated the happy couple, I've offered to help them move, I've been friends with the watchmaker, and I've forgiven him for being an arse. I've been supportive of his moping miserableness. I've applauded their happiness.

BUT I HAVE NOW HIT MY QUOTA.

Not-100%-Word-For-Word-But-You-Get-The-Idea-Transcript of a Conversation with Mr. D. on Tuesday Morning:

"Hey"

"Oh, Hi Mr. D. Whats up?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just thought I'd ring to tell you that Nicky's sick. She's been vomiting all night, and we've just got back from the Doctors. He said she's got gastro."

"Gosh Mr. D, is she OK now? Where is she?"

"She's OK, we've given her some Panadol, she's sleeping"

(Insert five to ten minutes of conversation about vomit, gastro and treatments for same.)

"Righto then. Well, give her a big cuddle for me, and I'll ring to talk to her later OK?"

"Yeah, no worries. By the way I got engaged on the weekend."

"Sorry?"

"I got engaged. On the Weekend. But don't stress, you're invited. Front row seats."

"Oh"

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Congratulations. Thats great."

"Yeah, well I wanted to tell you in person, but... You Know."

"Well, thanks for telling me."

"No worries, well, better go. See you later."

"Bye."

 

ENGAGED...

Ok, so they are totally soulmates and whatever. But they've been going out for what? Two months at the absolute most.

Its not even just a dodgy "Lets get married" type engagement. Its a full on, on bended knee, with ring, notice in the paper type engagement.

OK.

Breathe.

 

Now it's not like I'm pining away over Mr. D.

He's happy with Shell, and I'm happy for them. Honestly. I'm glad that they are together. She's a great girl. They make a beautiful couple. And so on.

But seriously. He is moving faster than Flash Gordon at the moment, isn't he?

And what a shitty way to tell me. "By the way..."

"By the way, I'll be ten minutes late."

"By the way, I like your new haircut"

These are suitable ways to use the expression.

"I am about to commit to someone for the rest of my life, which will have major implications for both our relationship, our daughters home life, custody arrangements, financial arrangements etc."

This is not a subject that can be compacted into an aside. This is a start a new paragraph, use proper grammar and punctuation style announcement.

Add to this that I was suffering from a very mild case of gastro myself, and you can imagine that I really wasn't in a very good way.

I'm generally a pretty cheerful little sausage, but it took me a couple of days to get to a point where I'm OK with the engagement thing.

Thursday I was still feeling a little off. I went in to see the watchmaker, who had also been a crankypants all week, since the breakup. I was expecting to join in with the general mood of malaise that had permeated the shop since he'd broken up. However, I went in, he asks how I am:

"Really ordinary actually."

"Really? Thats no good. I feel great. I've been feeling crappy since Sunday, but today, I reckon I'm getting over it. I feel great!"

"Good for you." Deadpan.

"Wow, you really are upset, aren't you. Whats up?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it."

"Righto. Well, what can I do to cheer you up?"

"I don't know."

"What have I got??" Rummages around in office... "Home made fruit roll up?"

"Lovely. Thankyou." (Eats)

"What can I do?"

"Get me out of the house. What are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing."

"Do you want to do something?"

"Ok, what do you want to do?"

"I don't care. Anything. Anything that gets me out of my house."

"Lets walk along the trail"

"Ok."

So he met me at my place and he'd changed his mind. Instead of the trail, we went walking on the mud flats. It was lovely.

We walked through the ruins, on the flats, and he made up silly stories...

"This is where the dwarves live, they come out at night, they're magic. See all the little trees?"

"This is where we hosted the golf tournament a couple of years back. Tiger flew in, Greggo Norman parked his boat up the river, it was a good day out."

"This was a huge boat, (pointing to remains of trestle bridge) but it crashed into this massive iceberg..."

And so on. He was so silly and playful that he really did cheer me up considerably.

We talked about silly things, but we also talked about what was going on for each of us. He told me about the breakup, and I told him about the engagement. It was nice to be able to share real actual details of our lives. It felt nice that he trusted me enough to discuss it with me.

He's gone to Melbourne for the weekend. Sent me a message "Going to find some hot chicks and hit the piss"

I sent back "Just don't get confused and find hot piss and hit the chicks. They don't take kindly to that kind of behaviour in the big smoke!"

I never come away from spending time with the watchmaker feeling settled. I just never quite know where I stand with him. I don't know if he likes me, I don't know what he wants from me. I hate not knowing.

Ergh.

I'm off to Melbourne myself on Tuesday. Should be good. I'm looking forward to getting all dressed up and going to a meeting in the middle of the city. It feels so very grown up. It feels surreal. I'm going to discuss insurance, and the ramifications of having groups under our Incorporated banner. That sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it!

I feel like such a fraud sometimes.