Hope you have a lovely night, whatever you are doing.
And that your head doesn't hurt too much tomorrow!!
New Years Resolution:
This year, I will respect myself in my relationships with others.
This (hopefully) will mean no more taking poor treatment from others, no more being with people that I'm really not that in to, and holding out for the right person to share my life with.
No more kissing frogs.
What's yours?
I'm sitting home alone and its Friday night. Should I go out, should I stay home?
I've been unable to raise Stace on the phone - which may mean she's already out, or it may mean that she's not answering in order to be able to stay in having crazy sex with her boyfriend. Lucky bugger.
They're in love.
It's nice for them. She's happy, and thats awesome.
I'm so jealous right now.
I hate going out alone, makes me feel like a complete loser.
Mood: Trepidation & Disturbance running riot through my head...
Finally posting a photo - not one with the bucket hat I'm afraid.
I tried to get a photo of it.
But you wouldn't credit it.
It's shy!
Anyway, hope this doesn't make you all run away screaming...
The HbK assures me that I'm not hideously deformed... though I havent' heard from him in a while, so perhaps he was just being polite!
This is a bit of a chubby photo - the angle was just not very flattering. And I'd had a glass of wine or two, and I was sunburnt, and I just take a shit photo. I'm only posting it to keep Sponky happy. Happy Sponky?
It's all I've got. Johnny the Horse, wish I had your camera and your skills!
Hugs,
Sass.
Mood: Resolute (ish)
Well, i'm still trying to figure out which of these I'm going to run with... On reflection, I haven't got the best track record for keeping my resolutions, so perhaps I should stick to something simple.
Previous Resolutions:
2001 - To have sex more than 385 times over the course of the year. (Or shortened to More Sex Than Days This Year)
This failed (oddly) when I became pregnant with my beautiful daughter. Birth does terrible things for your "batting average".
2002 - To find a fantastic new house in the town that we were living in at the time.
This failed as no houses became available.
2003 - To get a fantastic new job, and live happily ever after with Mr. D.
This failed when he left me two days before Christmas 2003. I don't know whether you would call that a total failure or not. I mean, for like 300 days I had no idea that he was considering leaving. I knew we had problems, I just didn't know that he wanted to move out. And I did get a fantastic job.
2004 - That next year I would be going out for New Years instead of sitting home alone and crying.
That isn't a failure yet because NYE hasn't happened yet obviously, though Murphy's Law may mean that I'll break my leg / neck / heart again immediately prior to NYE, and be unable to go ahead with my plans.
For the record, I'm going to a pool party at my girlfriends house with all my beautiful girlfriends and their husbands. I thought about going out out, but I decided that I would much rather see in the New Year with people that I love than people that I don't even know. It totally rules out any possibility of me getting a kiss to see in the New Year - however, I haven't actually had a kiss since 2001. A kiss at Midnight on New Years Eve. Obviously not just a generic kiss - there have been a few of those.
I'm not that concerned about not getting a kiss though. Again - I'm going to be with people that I love. I'd rather dive into the pool at midnight than kiss someone I don't love.
I'm tired of kissing people that I don't love.
Perhaps that could be my resolution.
All favours shall be withheld for those that I love.
Doubt I could stick with that!
Mood: Pervy
Today, for the second day running, I sat in my Starbucks with my fantastico amazing friend Almost from Melbourne, and we read together.
Books.
Almost, I love you. And you're advice has been swallowed, unpalatable though it was, however you tried to disguise the flavour by giving it with love.
I shall endevour to get to the city soon, and "get some culture"... and meet some men that are clever sausages, instead of silly beefcakes.
But back to Starbucks... I have a confession to make.
There may be something other than the coffee that I love.
There may be an attractive barista there.
He may have a name that is slightly exotic.
He may have the cutest smile, eyes, hair, and... well everything else that you can see...
He may remember me. Almost doesn't think he does, but I choose to think that he really does... HE DOES!!
And I KNOW THAT HE DOES Almost, because the first time I saw him wasn't even AT Starbucks, it was out in town. I was sitting in the beer garden of our local Irish Pub, and he happened to be sitting behind me. I know this because I was checking him out - because I am a perve and I currently think that everyone is hot... thats another story...
Anyway, he was sitting behind me, and the next day, I was slightly hungover, and I needed a coffee. So I went into the Starbucks. It would be fair to say that I didn't look awesome. And I wasn't really with it. There were two cute young girls in front of me, taking a hundred years to figure out what they wanted, and I was just standing there attempting not to make any sudden moves that may dislodge my head from my shoulders. Eventually they finished, and I got up to the counter, and he was there serving. I didn't recognise him.
He said "Thanks for being so patient" and I was like "Beg yours? Oh, no worries." And I ordered. He forgot instantly what I had ordered, and asked me again - figuring that it was probably my fault he'd got it wrong, I then apologised, saying "Sorry, I went out last night, so I'm not at my best today" He said "Oh, thats OK, I went out last night too. You were at the Irish pub weren't you?" "Yes", "I remember you, I was sitting behind you."
My first reaction was to be flattered that this guy remembered me, then to think... Oh shit. I was kicking my girlfriend pointing out hotties... and we were not being subtle in our appreciation of the opposite sex. AT ALL.
Woopsie.
That would have been fine, but now every time I go in to my Starbucks he's working. And Cute. (Note Capitalisation) And I get all blushy and dumb. Not Guy #2 dumb, I just don't want him to think I'm a stalker loser hanging about in Starbucks so I can perve on him... I mean, that's an accurate description, but it isn't exactly flattering is it! LOL
And Almost, you were not being subtle today. How many times did our cute exotic barista walk in and out while we were sitting there? And you were banging me in the ribs, kicking my foot, "A-HEM"-ing, and generally being very very obvious!!
And threatening to leave my number. Really.
Did you? LOL
Mood: Meh
Christmas.
The good:
Nicky had a lovely day, running around in Miss Tinks fairy costume - she looked beautiful. She rode her new bike around everywhere, and ate nothing but chocolate for almost the entire day. She had people who loved her fawning over her, and Santa was very good to her.
My grandparents were happy, (both sets) that there was no washing up to do, that they could have a hot dinner served out to them, and that they could have a glass of wine with lunch. Oh, and that they could spend the whole day with Nicky.
Santa was good to me - new jarmies, earrings, necklace (marquisite - the only thing I wear other than rose gold, which, really is ALL I wear. This gift really surprised me!) and of course a new watch band from the da na na naaaa Sexy Watchmaker. (I'm excited about that one!) Shane got me a gift, even though I'd told him not to repeatedly - the lad just doesn't listen. But it was very nice of him, a lovely photo frame and a set of candles in a pewter holder.
Mum and Dad shouted themselves a new camera and spent most of the day trying to wrestle it out of the hands of my younger sister - who made a hilarious video of the post Christmas lunch snoozefest. She's just a really talented comedienne.
The bad:
My sister. Can't even be nice at Christmas time. She had a wonderful time laughing and joking. She didn't speak one single solitary word to me all day. But she had a fantastic time with Mr. D. and Nicky, peppering that with death stares directed at me. The hatred eminated from her in tangible waves.
Mr. D. arrived half an hour late to open Nicky's presents with her, and spent pretty much the entire day sleeping, or attempting to sleep, because he went out with his mates on Christmas Eve. The only time he perked up was to talk to my sister. That pissed me off no end. Christmas should be about Nicky. Not about how much time he can spend nursing his hangover, or discussing how he got it. We all know how he got it. By not thinking about his responsibilities, thats how.
I was home and alone by 5.30pm, which was good, because I was really angry. I was calmed down and in my jarmies by 8.30pm - I spent the time in between with the hose and the pruning shears, communing with the much neglected garden.
The Washup:
I learned two very valuable lessons.
They say you should learn at least one new thing each day. I learned two, so I guess by "their" standards, I must have had a good day!
Happiest Christmas to you, or Happy Hanukka, or whatever you happen to be celebrating, even if it is just a very generic George Bush'y "Holiday Season".
I'm spending the day with my family, and I must admit, after the blow up that we had at Nanna's, I'm actually not dreading it as much as I was.
That, and I visited my mum and dad yesterday.
Mum was getting a little pile of things together on the table.
Homemade Bon-Bons that Nicky had made the last time she was there, enough for everyone.
Candles, to decorate the table with.
Tinsel and crap.
I don't know why these small and homely touches were making me feel so much more comfortable with the idea of going, but they do.
Or perhaps that's just my hangover speaking.
Either way, I am feeling much more magnanimous about it - after all, at least I get to be with people who (mostly) love me. And whom I love.
Lots of folks don't even have that today.
I'm excited to see Nicky open her Santa present's. She's absolutely sure that she's getting a "Bike with a trailer", so I hope she isn't too disappointed that she's getting a bike with training wheels instead of a trailer. The one she wanted was a little scoot along type bike, but she's really a bit big for those, so we got her a big girls bike instead.
I got her a few other things as well, like a doctors set, some dressups, and some bibs and bobs for the bike, like this cool little bell that makes the funkiest ringing you've ever heard. Like angels laughing. It made me think of Nicky, so I got it for her.
Mr. D. is coming around first thing to help Nicky and I unwrap her Santa Prezzies, so I'd better be scooting off to bed.
Hoping that your day goes off without a hitch, no matter what your plans, or how you choose to spend it,
Oh - and I'm taking the bucket hat with me. Gonna get me a photo to post up here on this here blog for y'all for Christmas. Yee haw etc. etc. etc.
And just a small aside - Friday night I met a young man named Carlos. He was from Spain and wore a delicious beanie - despite the temperature hitting 38 degrees. And he had a lisp. He reminded me of the guy from That 70's Show. He was cute.
Sass.
I admit it. I have a problem.
Starbucks Coffee.
I'm addicted.
I am seriously considering driving into town to get some now.
A Venti Caramel Latte with half a shot of expresso (usually they put in two, but I only like half a shot).
Hmmmm Coffeeeeee.
80kms isn't so far to drive really...
All I seem to do lately is cry and grumble! But I do need to let this stuff out, let it go, and try to get on with my life...
My sister. The one who doesn't speak to me, except the last time we went out, when she was just super gushing nice. Remember?
Anyway, it was her birthday yesterday, and my beautiful grandparents held a birthday party for her. In order to "relieve a bit of the tension". My grandparents (Nan & Pop) hold the best parties - the table is all beautifully set with the good crystal glassware and the best dinner set. Snowy white linen, heavy silver cutlery, the whole bit. Then we get KFC, and piglet out.
My family are so very awesome sometimes.
Over dinner, things were going really well. My sister was talking to me, laughing, telling jokes, we were all getting along really well. Then I ducked out to do the dishes, my mum and my sister were in the kitchen. I said to my sister, nicely, not sarcastically or anything "Does this mean that we are talking now?"
"No this doesn't fucking mean that we are talking. I've told you where we stand on this. I hate you, no, I don't even care enough about you to hate you. I have no opinion about you. I don't want anything to do with you. I'm just playing happy fucking families to keep everyone happy, so don't fucking talk to me."
Whoa.
Miss Tink will be proud of me (I think? I wonder...) for standing up for myself to the extent that I said to her...
"Quit playing games then. If you don't like me, fine, if you like me, fine. But don't pretend to be nice to me. Either treat me like crap all the time, or be nice to me all the time, vacillating between the two is just wrong."
Unfortunately just as my sister was launching into another diatribe, my Nan walked in. Then it was on for young and old. Literally. Nan and Pop were giving my sister a lecture on how family is the most important thing that you can have, she was ranting about how everyone hates her for being mean to me, and me... well I was sitting at the table crying. What a tough guy.
Should have kept my mouth shut - this is the advice that my family are giving me. Shouldn't have asked the question, should have just been grateful that she was being nice to me, enjoyed it while it lasted, and left it at that.
Is there something wrong with me that I would rather know where I stand with her, and have her treat me accordingly? I'd actually much rather she were mean to me consistantly than pretend to be nice to me. What does it mean for my own personal integrity to become a compliant member of the conspiricy?
Freaking families. Roll on Christmas...
Sorry about that last one. I was... a bit of a mess.
Queen of Understatement is in the room folks!
I'd had a fight with Mr. D. over Nicky. First fight we've had - nasty. And something more earth shattering even than that. Mr. D. is after a girl. Not just any girl, the girl that he loved from the age of 16, who broke his heart and moved away after they had celebrated their 21sts in a joint birthday party.
She came back, at around the same time that we met. Pregnant. No dad in sight. Hating my guts.
That passed after her little boy was born, and we get along great now. She and Mr. D. and I used to hang around heaps. She and I used to take our kids out to Playgroup and the park together.
I think some part of me probably always knew that Mr. D. had a soft spot for her that being with me didn't alter. Don't get me wrong, he loved me. He still loves me, and I love him. I just could never quite understand why they didn't get together. Like peices of the same puzzle.
I guess its just hard to see that now that I'm gone, shes the one.
It knocked me. And to have Shane, who patently ISN'T the one, try to comfort me just made it even harder.
Enough. Lets get onto something more interesting, and more importantly, less depressing!!
Friday night was a terrible messy event. Fantastic fun, wish I could make every Friday as much fun as that!
Stace and I went down to the Vic, but there was literally no-one there. There were crickets... So we decided that we would head down to the Sassville pub.
There were some new faces, there were some old faces. There were a number of very cute faces...
We played pool, we had a few bevvies, we laughed... a lot. The boys were in especially fine form, and we were all flirting like mad things - in a nice way of course. I'm a nice girl after all.
Stace decided she needed to go home about 1.30, but I wasn't done yet, so I stayed on. Jase was there, and his little mate (who is a blonde freckled cheeky spunky monkey), two likely lads from up the road - farmers, with a large dose of the hotness, and a couple of others, including Mushy. Don't know that I've told you about Mushy. He has these eyes... they're amazing. Huge, deep brown, you could drown in them.
So we were all mucking around together, got booted out of the pub at closing, and headed back to one of the lads houses. He cracked open a bottle of port, and the lads polished it off in no time at all. Before she left, Stace and I had quite a frank conversation out the front of the pub.
"So, are you going to go for farmer #1, you should take Farmer #1 home, Farmer #1 is hot, he wants you, you should TOTALLY go for him. Are you going to go for him??
"Um. No."
"Why the hell not?? You're frigging mad you know that!??"
"Thanks Stace, thanks a lot. I'm not interested in Farmer #1... but he is kind of cute isn't he??" LOL
He is cute, no doubt about it. But he also expressed in no uncertain terms the intimate relationship that he has had, and continues to have with drugs of all descriptions. Particularly pot. This came up late in the evening, when we were back at the house. One of the lads said that they'd love some "green" and Farmer #1 volunteered that he had some in his car. I don't know that the look he gave me as he said it and tossed them his keys was meant to be "Hey babe, I'm connected - are you impressed?" or "I'm gonna get you stoned and have my way with you" but either way, I was neither impressed nor willing to even kiss him.
And he had the most kissable lips.
Yay! Aren't I progressing!
So I decided that I really needed to leave just about then... or actually it was just after then, when the boys piped up with "lets stick some porn on" and Slave, who just happened to have a porn film IN THE VCR decided that it would be totally OK, and not AT ALL inappropriate in mixed company to oblige them.
Now don't get me wrong - there is a time and a place for everything. I just don't think that in the middle of a party is that place.
So I asked Jase to walk me home. He was the safest bet I figured, as the other lads were all fairly full and getting a bit rowdy. And while all of them were pretty much the hotness, I didn't want to go there. Now while we were sitting at the house, Jase was sitting at the table. He was fairly sober - he'd had a couple of drinks, but, like me, he was still in full control. I only mention this because it becomes important in a minute as you will see. He was sitting at the table, playing with his lighter. We were chatting, I asked if he could walk me up to the corner (he lives on the corner just below me) so he put his lighter away and got up and we left.
So we're chatting away as we walk, and we get to the corner.
"Goodnight Jase, thanks for walking with me."
"No worries. (Gets out his cigarettes) Shit, I've forgotten my lighter. Do you have one?"
"No Jase, I don't smoke."
"I don't want to wake everyone up looking for one... do you have one at your place?"
"Um. Yeah."
So he came up to my place. Which, as I'm sure you can see now is really really odd.
So we are sitting in my lounge room, and he say's to me, thanks for letting me come back here. And I said, no worries Jase. But can I ask you something? Why did you pretend not to have a lighter? You don't have to make an excuse to come here you know. You are my friend, and you are welcome anytime.
He got a bit embarassed then, which was funny, and he pulled out his lighter. Men think we play games. HA.
So we probably got back to my place at 2.45am, and we just sat around chatting. It was weird. Again. He still doesn't know what to do about his girlfriend, which is just cruel in my opinion. I told him so too. If the only reason you are still living with someone is because they do your washing, that's not cool. And just not going home will only serve to make her feel like crap. Thats just not fair on her.
While we were talking Jase's little mate was text messaging him - apparently he is related to Jases girlfriend, and even better, thought that Jase was "cutting his lunch". Just to get straight on this, although he is a cutie, and has a hotness rating way up there, I'm not interested in having... lunch... with Jases mate. Or Jase for that matter. We are friends, nothing more. He has a girlfriend - about whom he needs advice. Thats it. Period.
He didn't leave until 5.30am. I don't even know what he told them when he got home. The sun was coming up for crying out loud.
I worry a lot that I'm going to wear it over this.
I am so naive. Or is it stupid?
I'm sure that when I lived in a slightly bigger town than this that I was able to have male friends without people thinking that something was going on. I used to have a lot of male friends.
I used to be able to leave my front light on too. Tell me, what does that mean where YOU come from??
I miss being able to write every day. I'm going to have to start getting my act together. More tomorrow... hopefully.
Winter:
I'd curl in a ball in front of the fire, nesting in my doona, thick soft flannelette pajamas, bedsocks and gown. I'd sip on hot milo and dunk Tim-Tams till the pain in my heart relocated itself to my overindulged stomach.
If it were Summer:
I'd walk to the waters edge, and slowly edge my way in, letting the soft touch of the water cool my temper, and the rythym of the waves lull me back to peace.
If it were Easter:
I'd visit my Church, and sit among the prayerful as they worked their way through the decades of the Rosary. I'd be settled by the austerity of my surrounds, safe in the systematic ritual of the ecclesiastic calendar.
But it is Spring.
In spring there is little that I can think to do to sooth my breaking heart.
Shane has offered hugs. Hugs cure everything and nothing, I said, I am going to take a bath instead.
Baths cure nothing, he said. It is a fallacy to think that your problems will be washed away with the water.
We are agreed then, I said. Hugs and baths are similar in their intrinsic uselessness. Whats your point? That I should cry myself to sleep with neither?
No, of course not. His point was that he could offer hugs.
I don't need hugs.
I am a strong independant woman, I said.
You don't need to be you know, at least not all the time, he counters.
What would I be otherwise?
...
A weeping, curled up, miserable mess?
Guess I answered my own question.
Mood: Munchy
Listening to: The Batchelor
How much fun is the rest of this week going to be??
Tomorrow night I am off to see Loren, who is amazing. I'm gonna buy myself a treat (his new album) and I'll be accompanied by Shane.
That last bit has me a little concerned, but he is behaving himself, and if he starts misbehaving then I shall have no choice but to eject him from the premises.
Then Friday night the beautiful Miss Stace is coming with me to the pub!! Yay and Hooray! Its our last Friday out before Christmas, as she is going away, so we are going to make the most of it.
Saturday night I'm off to paint the town red! Might even christen my new little dress. Its so purty. Depends on how I'm feeling about my butt on the day. I may be too chicken yet. We'll see. Have to keep telling myself that everyone has issues with their body, but I'm only a size 10, and that is not a big butt.
I think I need some chocolate. Mmmm Cadbury.
Mood: Tired
Overwhelmed.
Its been an interesting couple of months.
My sister is oscillating madly between gushing friendliness and pure cruelty.
My family have shifted the venue for our Christmas Lunch again in order to placate my sister. We will now being having dinner at my Grandparents Retirement Village.
While I don't object per se to having dinner in a location convenient to my Grandparents, it actually irritates me more than you could ever know that we will be eating 3 courses prepared not with loving care in our family home, but in a sterile stainless steel kitchen by people who are probably cursing the fact that they can't be at home spending time with their own families.
I'm also cranked that my little girl will be eating Christmas Lunch in an environment that is just completely impersonal. I don't want to spend the half a day that I have with her sitting in a dining hall with 30 odd other families. That sucks.
I don't even know what to do about it. I don't want to not have Christmas with my family, but at the same time I really can't think of anything worse than going to the Retirement Village. I'm going to have to talk to Mr. D. and see what he thinks.
I just want it to be a special day for Nicky.
I'm also feeling rather out of my depth with the men in my life at the moment.
On one hand, we have Shane, who is not being out loud pushy about us getting closer again, but who hints whenever I see him that we should see each other more often, or that he misses spending time with me. He also comments on how improved his behaviour is around me. What does he want? An award?? Its a bit cloying.
Then we have Jay. Jay has rung 3 times while I've been typing this. You can add that to the two text messages he sent while I was in class today, and the two he sent last night after 10pm. I can only repeat yesterday's question. Where the Hell do I find these people???
I swear I must have a large flashing sign above my head.
Stalker Weirdo Clingy Needy Men Welcome Here!!
Added to those two:
Bloke will be coming home in early January. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I miss him, I love when he calls to say hi. I miss his solid, unshakable presence in my life. I miss the stability that I had being with him, and more than anything, I miss HIM. I love the conversations that we have. I love the understanding that we share. What the heck does that mean?
But then I have silly little crushes on a range of different boys. And they are silly, and they are just crushes. Not going anywhere, no intention of following them up. But in their own way just as diverting as a "real" relationship.
Feels like I am just being torn in so many different directions at the moment.
"I shouldn't need to be loved to feel beautiful" Loren
Mood: Peeved & Sad
So, as the previous entry states, the position of Clock Winder has been filled.
Unfortunately, I think I need to sack whoever is in charge of HR, as they appear to have hired another dud.
I'm beginning to think that I really need to have a psych test for prospective partners. They're perfectly normal until I say I'll date them / see them, and then they turn into complete and utter nutjobs.
Late last night I had a phone call from Jay. 1.30am. Just calling to say, among other things:
Hmm. We hardly know one another. You wish for me to marry you, have your child, and never go out. Control, anyone?
I AM going out on Saturday - I'm going dancing because it is my first Saturday out in a bloody long time and thats what I want to do.
I AM going out at New Years Eve, because I haven't been out on New Years in forever. Since before Nicky was born actually. Mr. D. has been out EVERY YEAR. This year, I'm going out and Mr. D. will be staying home. I certainly won't be choosing to stay home spending time with someone that is freaking me out.
Ironically, after using the description of Clock Winder for so long, there is an extremely hot (and I'm talking Calvin Klien model hot) young man in town who is a Watch Maker. He's the cousin of one of my good friends, and she wants to set us up. I haven't met him, but I've seen him round. Noice.
How funny would that be, the position of Clock Winder taken by the Watch Maker...
But back to the subject at hand.
Jay.
I don't want to be controlled, or dictated to. As talented as he may be in other ways, I'm not prepared to trade off.
Damn it all to hell.
The Boy Boarder has given notice, he's moving out. I'm crushed, really crushed. He's been such a good friend, and an absolutely wonderful housemate. I'll miss him heaps. How crappy.
Mood: Optimistic
Wanted: Clock Winder
Hours Negotiable
Payment In-Kind
Apply in Person
I wish to advise that the
above position has now
been filled.
Thank you to all those who applied.
Sass
There are no guarantees in life,
I know that.
This may end badly.
But at least this time
*I know*
That there will be nothing ordinary about it...
Mood: Tired
Listening to: Australian Story
This year, for possibly the first time ever, I'm going to make Santa's Naughty List, rather than his Nice one.
Last night, I was going to be good. I was. I really really was.
I went down to the pub, and sold my raffle tickets. There were not many people that I knew there, which was odd, cos I know most people in town now.
But an older mate of mine was there with a rather attractive man, who he introduced as Jay. Jay is from Melbourne, the son of a friend of my mates. He's a painter by trade, and buff. My god. Buff.
My mate was saying to me that I should look after Jay, play some pool, have a drink, have a good night. I said, no, I was going home at seven, to have an early night.
What can I say. I was eventually convinced. So we stayed at the pub until quite late, my amazing neighbours arrived, and we played pool with them. It was a really fun night out, and he was lovely.
We went for a walk after the pub, and we sat for a little while down by the water. The moon was up, the stars were shining, it was really romantic. He kissed me.
It was amazing.
He was amazing.
So much for not getting into trouble.
Mood: Yearn-y
Listening to: Lost
Before I forget - The Cast has been updated.
I'm off to the pub tomorrow night, for a quiet one.
And it will actually be a quiet one, because I ran into Stace today in town and she's not coming. Doesn't want to show up to work four weeks running with a hangover. Big girls blouse!
After last weeks effort I'm definitely not going to be having a big night anyway. The boys are generally fairly well behaved with me, though in the last two weeks some of them have been getting fairly physical in their flirtatiousness. Stace is quite good at getting the boys to back off - or at least in diverting their attention somewhat.
An example: Playing pool on Friday night, not long before we had to leave. My shot. Boy passes the pool cue to me. I line up to take my shot, and Boy starts talking to me. We'd been playing at putting each other off shots all night, a bit of a running gag. I said to him, "You're not going to put me off, so you might as well give it up" he says "Can't put you off huh? Does this put you off??" And he walked up right behind me, arms around me and held the cue, then moved as if he were going to take his shot, with me still between him and the table.
He was only against me for a matter of seconds, but it was so sudden that I just froze up, and didn't even have the presence of mind to get away, or tell him to get away. Stace came swooping across the room like an avenging angel, and in her best grown up voice told him to get the hell off me. And he did.
Didn't stop him from trying mind you, but he backed off to a point where I was able to fend him off myself. Given a couple more seconds, I would have been able to extricate myself from that other situation anyway, but with Stace we each have someone looking out for us, and thats a very comforting thing. I can keep the creepy staring dude away from her, and she can keep the hot hot hot guy who likes me away from me.
Does anyone else think that I'm getting a bums rush here? LOL
I dread to think what sort of trouble might I get myself into if my dear friend Stace wasn't there to keep me safe?? LOL
So I'll be at the pub this Friday, but I'll be there all on my Pat Malone.
Which wouldn't be so bad - but I have it on good authority that tomorrow night will see the return of....
Da na na NAHHHH!!
Guy #2!
Sigh.
Even I am getting a bit over the Guy #2 thing now. On a purely intellectual level you understand. I wish I could convince my... hormones... that I'm over the Guy #2 thing.
Hmm.
So I'm a tad apprehensive about seeing him. Just a tad.
And the more I think about it the more that tad grows, and I'm sure by the time tomorrow evening rolls around I'll be a shaking puking mess and then I'll do something terribly horribly embarassing and then I'll come home and blog about it and it'll be just like old times!!
*YAY*
Wouldn't it be cool if the boys I liked were there at the same time and I could play them off against one another like the minx I am??
Actually, I'm not a minx, and I doubt I have the skills necessary to make boys go la-la about me to the point where they would consider each other rivals. Or even go la-la about me.
*Skips off to select tight top to assist in raffle ticket sales*
Mood: Melancholic
Listening to: The Batchelor... How Ironic.
I need a cuddle.
Really badly.
My whole being is crying out to be held, safe, warm and tight.
Its been a really tough week, a tough couple of weeks actually. I've had some things happen - not least of all dinner last night - that have made me either angry, deeply upset, or just shaken me.
I guess I'm not so used to dealing with those feelings alone. My first reaction after dinner last night, when I left the restaurant, was to drive straight to Shanes house and ask him to give me a cuddle.
I am eternally proud of myself that I didn't do that - it would have made that whole situation extremely difficult. So I drove home alone, had a long hot bath, and then I got online and purged my soul on this blog.
And yet, over 24 hours later, I am still aching to be comforted. Pulled tight into the arms of a caring, gentle man, and held.
Is that a purely female reaction I wonder? Intellectually, I know that someone giving me a hug isn't going to make any of the problems I'm experiencing disappear. It isn't going to give me the answers, it isn't going to calm my hectic schedule.
But at the same time, I know that it is exactly what I need.
But there isn't anyone.
All alone.
Me.
I daresay I'll cope.
Mood: Dark and Stormy... like the weather
Listening to: Stormy Weather
Some very bad taste jokes for you to start with...
Santa to the attractive lady... "Would you like to see the North Pole??"
(Think about that for a minute... Then say it again in a dirty old man voice - which is how my brother delivered it. Drinks were coming out noses.)
Bingo call sure to make your Nanna blush:
69, Sixty Nine, Dinner for Two...
(There were double takes on that one... We weren't sure we'd heard him right!)
Dinner tonight with the family. My sister who hates me was there. She bought along her new boyfriend to introduce him to the family. I used to go to school with him. Tink - you will remember him as the brother of one of the teachers. They didn't arrive until year 10 or 11? Three Brothers.
Anyway, I'm sure her plot was to introduce him to us in a setting where we couldn't be ourselves... or more to the point, where she didn't have to be herself.
It was so contrived and insincere. I couldn't stomach it and left. I can handle her abusing me (Yes Tink - your admonishment is still ringing in my ears regarding this...) I CAN handle her abusing me. I can handle her abusing my Dad and I. I can handle her avoiding us. I can even handle her being nice to us in front of my Grandparents in order to maintain their view of her and save their feelings - in this I guess I am a co-conspiritor. I don't wish to harm them any more than she does. Her only desire is to harm Dad and I.
However, I will not sit idly by and allow her to play happy families to impress her new beau. Bugger that.
The one thought that kept running through my mind through the first part of dinner was that the whole situation was lacking in integrity.
She has no integrity to behave the way that she does. That sounds harsh doesn't it. But nevertheless, thats the way I feel right now.
And I don't think that there is any integrity in allowing that sort of behaviour to happen. So I left. I never gave a toss what the bloke thought of me in High School, so the sooner he realises that we are all quite, quite mad the better it will be all round.
It almost makes me hope that he comes for Christmas. And my uncle shows up and has too much to drink, and starts a fight with someone, anyone and all hell breaks loose (this has never actually happened - the fighting bit anyway!). Just to see my sisters face would be priceless.
Sigh. Leaving acheived nothing though. I escaped the farce, but in doing so probably upset my Grandparents. I'm going to see them tomorrow, to explain. What I should have done is confront her, but we were out for my Grandparents wedding anniversary, so I thought that would be inappropriate.
Damn families.
Oh - and do you remember the last time my darling sister rang and abused me?? Well, interesting thing happened on Friday at the pub by candlelight.
Ran into the young man who had apparently said to my sister that I had said something quite derogatory about her... which I hadn't for the record.
Obviously after the abuse that I had copped over it, including a request that I "...never ever tell anyone that we are related." I wasn't very keen to speak to him. He works at the butchers, and was sitting with Gypsy and the other lads. As I mentioned in the last post, I sat around talking to them for ages. But this particular guy I wasn't talking to. He'd try, and I'd give as small a reply as I could manage. I wasn't rude rude, I just wasn't friendly. The other boys noticed, with Richie in particular ragging me about it. "What are you in such a bad mood for??" "Watch out boys, she's on the warpath" "I've never seen you like this! Settle down sweetheart!!" His over-acted over-reactions made us all laugh, however, it wasn't long until the lad in question asked me what was going on.
I said, you know whats going on.
He said, do you have the shits with me?
I said, yes.
He said, why?
I said, you should know why.
He said, look obviously whatever it is that I've done, or you think I've done, was really bad, and I'm really really sorry. I've only met you once or twice, but I always thought you were a lovely chick, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Wharever it is I'm sorry.
I said, you really don't know why I'm cross with you?
He said, no, I don't. I really don't. And the look on his face was so forlorn and sincere that I believed him.
I said, I was told that you said something to my sister that I didn't appreciate, that got me into a lot of trouble.
He said, I never said anything to your sister. Again the look of confusion, sincerity and wobegone-ity.
It became obvious to me as the conversation went on that he hadn't said a damn thing to my sister about me. He really is a lovely bloke, his girlfriend is a lovely girl, and they are both about as down to earth country as you can get. No crap.
I apologised to him, and after I'd explained why I'd been so cross, and why he had been the target of that, and he had again repeated that he had had no part in anything of that sort, we had a drink together and renewed what had been a budding mateship. But I also asked that he never mention my name around my sister, for the just in case!
Two things about this situation.
One: I have been nursing a bit of a grudge against this fella since my sister cracked it at me. I was non-committally rude to him, in public. (And I must be getting better at that, cos he noticed!) But he didn't deserve it, and we needn't have gone through it. I could have potentially lost the friendship of a lovely couple.
Two: My sister either lied to me just so she could abuse me, or she lied to me and used the name of a person that she knew I would see again in order to disrupt the usually happy fabric of my life here in Sassville. Either way, she lied. In order to make me miserable.
How does one deal with a sibling so hell bent on making one's life difficult?
Mood: Carefree
Listening to: Funny Movie
Its been forever since I've written here - not by choice mind you - I left my laptop at my parents house, and wasn't able to collect it for a few days.
Which is a shame really, as so much has happened! I seem to be writing a novel each time I blog these days, I'm sure that my intention when I started this thing was not to write the great Australian novel, merely to clarify my thinking and get these thoughts out of my lil old brain. Guess even blogging doesn't go to plan in this funny old world of ours.
There's something on my roof. Hang on a tick.
Can't see anything. Perhaps its a possum. That'd be cool. We used to have a resident possum at our last house. I had actually just called the pest man to come and remove it, when she appeared on the back verandah with her new little baby possum - who was so cute and tame and little that I couldn't bear to have them "relocated". I'm sure that "relocated" was a euphemism for exterminated. Anyway, she'd come each night with her little bub and we'd feed her (only a little mind you) a bit of bread, or a piece of fruit, or whatever was handy.
I'm dodging. Can you tell?? LOL
So, whats been happening. I had dinner with Shane and his entire damn family on Thursday night - which was interesting. He kind of tricked me into it... sort of.
He sent me a message on the weekend asking if I were available for dinner any night that week. I wrote back saying that I had plans Monday, Tuesday, and Friday, but Wednesday or Thursday would be fine. So he writes back "Thursday sounds great. My place, my mum will be there too, she's visiting."
Great.
Cos up to that point I was thinking what an opportune time that would be for me to tell him that I can't see him anymore. But can you tell someone that in front of their mum?? I don't think that would be very nice. So I went to dinner, and turns out that it wasn't even just Shane and his mum and I, it was his whole family. Two brothers, brothers girlfriend (pregnant with their first) and Shanes housemate.
Dinner was actually not as bad as I was expecting it to be - Shanes brothers are lovely blokes, and it was a laugh a minute while they were there. And Shane was EXTREMELY well behaved throughout the meal. He stayed away, didn't touch me, wasn't at all irritating. But by the same token, I was expecting him to be irritating, so just being in the vacinity of him put me on edge. While it was a pleasant evening, it wasn't exactly relaxing.
When I was ready to leave, Shane walked me out to the car, and we had a really good chat. I told him that he'd just hit my limits and that I wasn't able to see him anymore because of it. He said that he knew he'd been doing the wrong thing, and that he'd realised his mistake on Friday night when he was sending me messages. That's why he'd been behaving himself over dinner, because he now understood that that was how I wanted to be treated. And he was right, if he had treated me that way from the start it probably would have been fine. But as I said to him, it was too late. He'd really driven me right to the edge, and more than that, he hadn't respected my wishes when I had made them clear repeatedly.
The whole conversation went quite well really - considering. He still wanted me to go to his work Christmas party with him, so I said I would, as long as he understood that I was coming as his friend and nothing more. No worries.
So last night I went to his party, and it was both AWESOME and AWFUL. If I had to rate it out of 10, I'd probably give it a 7. Firstly there was an old friend of a very old ex (my ex-fiance, who I don't think I've actually spoken about here. We were engaged when I was 18, and he broke it off a week before we were due to get married, almost three years later. It was the right decision, but the timing was, well, shit to say the least!) So this old friend was at the party, and he charged up and gave me a big hug, and we sat talking and laughing and catching up for about an hour. Shane was not impressed. Which was funny in itself! But it was nice to get the news on all the friends that we had in common, whom I hadn't seen since it all happened. He told me all sorts of funny stories about what had gone on with this one and that one, and then he told me a bit about my ex. Which cracked me up.
My ex-fiance lives about 15 minutes from here, with his new girlfriend. And this is the bit that really freaked me out... her name is the same as mine! After the party, I went back to stay the night at my mum and dads, and was telling mum about this, and she still keeps in touch with my ex, so she already knew. They used to go for coffee quite a bit - odd behaviour for the mother of the dumped bride I always thought, but thats just what my mums like I guess. But more than that, she said that his last girlfriend (before this one that he's living with) also had the same name as me.
Three girls, same name. Thats just wrong. Disturbing. Disturbingly wrong. He obviously has some issues, or some really expensive jewelry that he's had engraved LOL!
Back to the story though - catching up with Micky and all the news was one of the highlights of the night, the band was the other (really really really good band, out of Melbourne, had everyone up and dancing) and the decorations were also cool. It was a dress up party, and the theme was horror.
The downside was that everyone I spoke to was all "OHHH! You're Shane's girlfriend!"
"No. No I'm not. I'm here with Shane, but I'm not his girlfriend."
"Really??" Looking incredulous
"Really. Not his girlfriend. REALLY."
I must have had that conversation 20 times. Amazing.
Even Micky, when we were talking, asked me about what I'm up to with my personal life, and I said "I'm single" and he questioned me - "Single? Or with Shane??"
"SINGLE. Not with Shane. Shane is my friend. I'm single."
And Shane taking every opportunity to get up close to me - giving others the wrong impression. I just kept saying, what are you up to there, friend Shane??
Sheeech.
But before last night there was Friday night.
Friday night at the pub with Stace. And it started off very romantically - due to a blackout. It had been pouring down rain all day, flooding shops and knocking out the power. We'd had none from about 1.30pm, and it was 6 before it came back on. So when I arrived at the pub at 5 to sell the raffle tickets, it was all candlelit. Beer bottles, wine bottles, with candles stuck in them everywhere. Beautiful.
And Gypsy was there, with all the rest of the butchers. I got to sit around talking to them for a couple of hours, which was lovely.
I made an error of judgement though, as the weather was so bad, it was quite cold. So I put a long sleeve top on under my jumper, but I didn't have much to choose from as I'd been a lazy sod with my washing as well as my blog! So I stuck on an old white shirt, thinking that it wouldn't matter that it was fairly tight, as I wouldn't be taking my jumper off anyway. Hmm. It was stinking hot in the pub. Lots of bodies, lots of candles, no exhaust fans. In the end, I had to take off my jumper. On the bright side, I sold a LOT more tickets than I usually do!
There were an unusually large number of boys at the pub on Friday, Stace knew them all, cos she went to school here, and they were all harmless, funny buggers. We had a really great time Stace and I, flirting and playing pool and dancing...
Dancing. That may have been a mistake. My legs are still hurting!
I also got invited to another work Christmas party - beginning to think that I must be the perfect accessory! I actually said no - as I have revoked my "never say no" policy. It was getting me into far too much trouble! There were four lads there from our local construction company, one in particular asked me four or five times - I dodged the question the first few times, then he pinned me down and said "Sass, you haven't answered me. Will you come to the Christmas party?"
He's a mate of Stace's, a particularly good friend of hers. She's exerting some small pressure on me to go out with him, but I'm not interested. Not even remotely. He's a lovely guy, he really is, but I figure if I'm not interested, I'm not interested. There should be that spark before you say yes really shouldn't there.
Like Guy #2 - Sigh.
News is that Guy #2 has been in town working for the last two weeks, hence me being stood up - he was working near his house, so didn't drive back out here for an after work drink only to have to drive all the way back again.
I'm not even looking for a Mr. Forever right now... I'm looking for a Mr. Now!!
In my best Larry Emdur voice....
Mr. Now... COME ON DOWN!!!
