All The Small Things

Sass - Writer of the Blog, girl about town. 178cm tall, brown hair, blue eyes. Bit of a spunk really. Oh - and super modest.

Mr. D. - My Ex. Moved out just prior to Christmas 2004. Lovely guy, amazing Dad. Mr. D and I still get along extremely well.

Nicky - Gorgeous angel child of Mr. D. and I. Will be turning 4 early in 2006. Smart, pretty, articulate and graceful. The best of both of her parents, and a wonderful person in her own right.

Tink - My best friend. Currently resides on the other side of the country. Gorgeous creature, passionate about her work, her sport and her life. (In a good way) Gold Medal winner! Visits far too infrequently ;-)

Flyboy - Tinks other half. Recently seen sporting a purple mohawk and a porn star moustache.

HbK - The Heartbreak Kid. Flew in from Adelaide and stole my heart. Sits next to Tink at work, and never updates his own blog. And ladies, he's single!

Miss L. - Girlfriend of mine from Sassville. Amazing lady, who I truly believe has done everything there is to do... from being a nudist to being a missionary. Took me to the Rod Run this year, and we go away to Bright each year too, with our other girlfriends.

Mr. C. - Miss L.'s partner. Is completing his 3rd trade, has his own business and can make / fix anything. Funny ha ha. Could talk underwater with a mouth full of marbles.

Guy #2 - Hot young man about town. Smile that lights up the room. Turns Sass into a dribbling retard.

Gypsy - Butcher in town. Lovely. Hosted an amazing 21st which featured many hot young men jelly wrestling. Has been known to show up naked bar an apron.

Stace - Girlfriend in Sassville. We go to the Vic each Friday night to play pool, which inevitably leads to me getting into some sort of trouble. Has a disturbing penchant for dance music.

Bloke - Ex. Moved to the middle of the country a couple of months ago. Miss him. Which is weird as our whole relationship was about not getting attached. Rings once a week or so to catch up. Lovely, genuine, honest guy.

Jase - Friend of Bloke. Only ever talks to me when he's maggotted.

Guy #3 -  Also rather HOT. Very flirty, and forward in his flirtation - physically. One of those people who moves with effortless fluidity. Bit of a lad though.

The Boy Boarder - My amazing incredible spectacular boarder. He cooks, he cleans, he opens doors, and he has made it his mission to make me feel young! Compliments me on my clothes every day, even when I look like crap. A true gentleman and he's only 18.

Shane - Old friend, saw him for a couple of weeks, friends again. Trys hard not to irritate the hell out of me by being too affectionate, which is much easier now that we are just friends.

I shall attempt to keep this updated as the blog goes on.

Mood: Introspective
Listening to: Loren

Further to my previous post...

A big round of applause to Shane, for teaching me that affection isn't what I'm looking for either.

Or perhaps just that particular brand of affection. One sided, heavy handed, overwhelming and all encompasing affection.

I don't want that sort of cloying attention. To be needed. I have no desire for that. I have no need for that.

So if it isn't sex, and it isn't affection, what is it that I'm after?

What I would like is a man that doesn't need me, but rather a man who wants me. A man who wants me more for my personality, intelligence and spirit than for my physical self.

A man who knows his heart, and expects me to know mine. A man who doesn't presume to know what is in my heart, but who waits for me to share it with him.

A man with emotional intelligence, who knows the importance of dealing with problems as they arise, and the value of honesty between two people.

I want a man who can respect my decisions. A man who will allow me to grow as a person, understanding that change and loss are not synonomous. A man who is himself growing as a person.

A secure, grounded and honourable man.

 

Have I changed so much? Thinking on it, if Shane had come along 12 months ago, I probably would have thought that he was God's gift.

For so much of my life, I've based my opinion of myself on what the significant other in my life thought of me. I've allowed them to compose the music of our life together. I think I even liked them based on whether or not they liked me. You love me?... I love you too. Not the other way around. Never the other way around.

Mr. D. is the only exception. I loved him from the first moment I saw him. I love him still. 

Yet I still don't think that it was an equitable relationship in many ways. Perhaps equitable is the wrong word. Maybe we were both too immature for a relationship of that magnitude - and our immaturity was our undoing. We became so much a part of each other that we didn't know who we were on our own anymore, if indeed we ever did. Then when things got hard, we didn't have the inner reserves to deal with that. We were so connected that I couldn't discern who's pain was who's anymore, who's anger was who's, or what it was about. Perhaps there was an innate rage within each of us, rage that our chance to be was just slipping away, and we were powerless to stop it.

I wonder at the changes that Mr. D. leaving have wrought in me, the changes that I've wrought in myself, making informed decisions about who and what I want in my life. Where was this person hiding? This strong person I've become?

Perhaps she was always there, waiting for the time when I would be ready to step into her shoes. Everyday, I feel more and more like they are MY shoes. I like it - this strength of being.

Maybe the reason I am struggling so much with Shane is that I don't like him. I mean, he's a nice enough person, but I don't find myself wanting to see him. I'm not attracted to him in the romantic sense at all, yet he obviously feels quite strongly for me. In the past, that would have been enough. I get the feeling that he thinks it should be enough. He has an arrogance about him, he's used to women falling over themselves when he shows them affection. He's used to women who need to be needed.

I don't need to be needed.

I will not settle.

 

How do I reconcile this strong woman with the person who swoons when she see's Guy #2?

I guess one of the benefits and downfalls of being human is that we are multifaceted. There is some comfort in that. Something I learned in the last year or so: I am more beautiful for my flaws, they make me the person that I am. So there is a part of me that gets silly girly crushes. There's also a part of me that cries with others in their sorrow, a part that loves my friends with abandon, a part that can see the gifts in the most dire of circumstances.

I can be strong and swoony. And I'm not even going to deride it. Its who I am, and thats OK with me. That in itself feels like an acheivement.

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Harry Potter

Went out with Stace last night. Three things about Stace.

1. We always have an awesome time out together
2. She can't play darts, but she's not too bad at pool
3. She has absolutely terrible taste in music

We headed down to the Vic, our usual Friday night haunt. It was a really great night out, I got there at five to sell raffle tickets, and made a decent amount for the Kinder in the process. Stace arrived about seven, and we just started playing pool.

We were joined shortly thereafter by a couple of the boys, and we just mucked around, flirted, played pool, and had an all round great time all night.

Again, no Guy #2, which was a bit sad, however, Guy #3 was there, and I tell you what... he is also the HHHOOTTTNNEESS. In a big way.

I got home about midnight, and fell onto my bed and immediately to sleep. Unfortunately, "Immediately to Sleep" meant that I had neglected to do those simple things that one would usually do before bed...

Shut the front door & turn off the lights for example. Change out of my clothes. Remove my shoes. You know. All the small things.

So at half past one, there was a loud knock at my front door. Must have been loud, to wake me up! So I got off my bed (to say get out would imply that I had actually gotten IN, and that would be misleading!) and answered the door.

It was two of the fellas, one of whom was Guy #3. They've never actually been to visit me before, so that was nice. They came in, telling me off. "You should lock your door you know. Anyone could just come in. Its not safe. Lock your door. And why are you sleeping with the lights on?"

After I had informed them that I don't usually sleep with all the lights on, the door open and in my clothes, we went into the kitchen, where they said that they would like a cuppa. I put the kettle on, and then they said, no, actually, we have to go. And they went. Just like that.

Weirdos.

So then I went back to bed. I shut the door, got in my 'jarmies, and went to bed. I left the front light on - as I always do, in case the Boy Boarder came home, so that he could see to get his key in the door. He's been working lots of odd shifts lately, so sometimes he comes in in the middle of the night.

So two o'clock I am again awoken by a loud knocking at my door. By this stage I've only been in bed about fifteen minutes, so up I get again, throw on my gown (my 'jarmies aren't the sort you'd wear to answer the door in!!) and answer the door.

It was Jase. So in he came, and says, "Is there anyone else here?"

"No? Who would be here?" To tell the truth, this question was asked in such an odd way that my first thought was, shit, someone is in the house! They must have come in when I crashed out earlier!

And then he started walking about the house...

"Is that the Boy Boarders room?" He said, looking into my bedroom (the light was on)

"The Boy Boarder doesn't strike me as the type to have hot pink sheets Jase! Thats my room." We did the tour, checking each room for intruders, or hidden lovers, I'm still not quite sure which he was looking for, I was looking for intruders!

He even checked the bathroom.

As odd as it sounds now, it wasn't at all strange to be wandering around my house in the wee small hours checking behind doors for an intruder. Seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

(I may have had one or two too many.)

So once we had established that no-one else was in the house, I got Jads a drink of water, and we sat down in the lounge room for a chat. Possibly the most deranged conversation I've had in a long time.

It started with Jase explaining that he and Guy #3 had actually been standing on the corner opposite my house for the last half hour, with Jase trying to convince Guy #3 to knock on my door again. He thought we should get together, cos Guy #3 is such a nice bloke. Riiii-gght. So why did they bolt in the first place?? Cos Guy #3 is shy. Riii-gght. And where is he now? Gone home to bed cos he's a girl. O-k... And the fact that I'm not remotely interested in Guy #3?? (Which is a fierce white fib at best!!) Oh. Hadn't thought of that. Men are so freaking weird.

So then the conversation moved on. Jase currently lives with his girlfriend. She's a nice girl, a fair bit younger than him, but they've been together for ages, and when he bought his house they set up together. Turns out that Jase isn't very happy, and is looking to break up with her. But he doesn't quite know how to.

And he didn't want to go home, because, these days, he never wants to go home. Poor bugger. But at the same time... This is interesting. Why is he here then? Am I to be the patsy, she thinks there's something going on, dumps him, problem solved?

No, apparently he'd told Guy #3 to tell whoever was still awake at his house (and this is just charming) that he was "drunk and down the water puking or something" . Again. I wonder at the types of people that live in this town that excuses like that are acceptable!. But I was actually quite surprised, Jase isn't the sort of person who lies like that, and he obviously felt quite bad about it.

Jase is an interesting lad. He's very much like Bloke in that he is straight down the line, no rubbish. He says what he means. He keeps his word. He's genuine, and would do anything for anyone. He wouldn't hurt a fly. He's not sleazy, he's always a gentleman. I trust him.

So we talked for a while about his girlfriend. He just doesn't want to hurt her. I told him he was probably hurting her more by avoiding her, as he had been doing for the last month or more. Poor girl.

Then he started telling me what a nice chick I am. (Yeah, I know!) That I'd been nice to him right from the start, and that if he'd been single when we first met he would have "definitely gone after you"  The funny thing was, he wasn't saying it in a coming-on-to-me kind of way, it was just rather conversational. Like, "I liked peanut butter sandwiches, right from the start. I order them often." Surreal almost.

Another change of subject, and we talked about his house, and how he's planning to move next year to work work. We talked about the Boy Boarder, because they know each other.

Then he says to me "Can you please tell me to get out? Cos if you don't I'll just keep sticking around so that I don't have to go home, and then I'll be in even more trouble at home than I am already."

"Ok, please get out."

So he left.

And I went to bed.

 

Oh, and for the record Shane sent me two text messages and called me once over the evening. I really don't think that he is getting the picture at all. Definitely going to tell him I can't see him anymore. Its just too much!

 

Crazy, crazy night. Does this sort of stuff happen to other people??

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Loren

The weekend that I went to Melbourne to help my dear friends celebrate their engagement was a very interesting one.

I reconnected with my old friend **** (Who shall remain unnamed until he chooses a name for himself, as I am sick of using Mr. initial - even I am starting to get confused!), which was fun, funny, challenging, combative at times, caffeine laden and above all, wonderful. We went on the tram *Clicks heels with joy* (I like trams... what can I say!)

I met some new people, in the form of my old friends sisters, who were lovely. And I RE-met his mother, even though I had very little recollection of meeting her the first time. After three university degrees, you would think a little detail like the last time I visited over 7 years ago would have been erased from the memory banks, but no!

The weather was lovely, little chill to the wind, but lovely.

I got lost, but that is to be expected. Never fear, my bumpkin music supplies kept me calm as I drove  through the city to my intended destination, following the comprehensive instructions supplied to me by the lovely 7-11 owner in Essendon (which is where I ended up after taking several wrong turns!), and I successfully executed my VERY FIRST EVER Hook Turn. For the record, although this manouver may seem completely stupid, it is slightly more than satisfying to say yeah, I've done that. No sweat. OH! You can't / don't like to / avoid doing them?? Nah - nothing to it!

As someone who hasn't driven in the city a great deal, and who generally travels by train to get there, city drivers surprised me. Not nearly as bastardly as I was expecting, although I did have my John-Denver-Induced-Rose-Coloured-Glasses on throughout the trip. There is something about belting out "Take me home, country roads" as you crawl your way down Elizabeth Street that is infinitely calming. That and the ute that was in front of me. They were obviously country too. The ute was sporting some serious aerial action, as well as a very impressive collection of B&S and obscure pub bumper stickers. This bloke didn't get his mates to buy them for him, he'd been there, done that. You could tell by his hat.

But, I digress.

So after I got un-lost, I went and caught up with my friend. We went for coffee at "our" Starbucks - we've done it three times now sunshine, and now its on my blog... ITS DEFINITELY A TRADITION!! He he he.

I love catching up with this particular friend, and I am happy to report that he will be joining the Sassville gang at some stage this weekend. YAY!! Although serious words may have to be exchanged over the treatment of another friend... You know who I mean. Perhaps I shall call you... Pendulum???? *Hands on hips looking stern* But you know I love you both.

*Assumes most comfortable fence sitting pose... lucky I have nice wide brick fences!*

Anyway, after we'd finished, I ducked off to my beautiful girlfriends engagement party. Obviously she didn't get engaged to herself, so let me introduce you to the happy couple.

Him: Tall, dark, handsome. And despite this actually a really lovely bloke. Most important of all, he makes my girl a happy happy little camper, and that earns him big points from me. That, and he hand jived with us when we were drunk and he was stone cold sober. Hand jiving. What better sign that a man loves you, than when he hand jives sober with your drunken highschool mates! Not to mention agreeing with me that the bloke who bit me was a tool. Yes folks, I have been bitten. Thats a whole other story, which shall remain untold... Thank god 21st's are long gone, as I have been racking up some doozies lately!

Her: Tall, dark hair, gorgeous. And again, despite that, an awesome chick. Shes arty, and clever, makes stuff, and has this sort of effortless grace about her. Long time friend, and yeah, we invented the crossing the highway dance. Right up there with the Nutbush and Macerena as a crowd pleaser at parties. YaY Us!

Between the two of them, they have inspired me to give them a couple label. I generally don't label people... unless you count Guy #2, which is kind of Home Brand really... but he is HHHOOOTTT!!

They are... "Bloody Happy Attractive Talented People" And... "They shit me". In the nicest possible way.

The party was great fun, Tink was there (Hooray for Old Friends and Country Bumpkins!) and we spent most of the night catching up on all the goss we've missed out on while we've been seperated by massive distances.

I really enjoy having Tink back in town, even if it is only for a visit. We have been best friends since before forever ago, and really, I think we probably know each other better than we sometimes know ourselves. I miss her like, I don't even know what like. Like my arm, should it be removed. Or perhaps my leg.  A significant part anyway. Not like a toenail. I don't reckon you'd even notice that was missing after a while. No, this would have to be a large scale amputation. Thats how much I miss her when she's gone.

We confide in each other, and I love having my best friend around to share those extra special secret secrets with. Hopes, dreams, sorrows, funny stories that really really can't go any further. You can share that stuff with your best friend, because you KNOW it won't go any further.

I'm working the tangents tonight aren't I! Sorry about that! In my defense, it is very very late.

I've been out tonight with Tink and her partner, Flyboy. And Tinks sister, who was just groping me all night LOL! (Thats an in-joke, as much as they shit me, I've committed the sin now, so I can't take it back!)

We saw this awesome singer at a cafe in town, and I bought his CD, which is AWESOME in well deserved capitals.

His website is www.loren.com.au and I would recommend you checking it out. There is one song on the album I bought which was written by his sister, after she was stood up. Brilliant. He sat down and had a chat with us at the cafe, so I can confirm that he is not only very talented as a singer / songwriter / instrumentalist, but also a lovely guy.

I have to go to bed, I'm completely knackered, and I just hope this entry isn't tooooooo incoherent!

If all the world was perfect,

I would only ever want to see your scars.

Mood: Tired
Listening to: TV

Well, just to settle one thing before we start... I didn't ask out Guy #2. And not because I'm a big sooky sooky la la, (well, ok, maybe a little for that reason!) but really because I haven't seen him. At all. Its like he fell off the planet.

Or perhaps because I fell off the planet.

For a week anyway.

Let me explain... You may want to get a coffee and a tim tam or two for this.

And for ease of reading, and to allow you to share this journey more easily with me, events and emotions shall be recorded as they unfolded...

So where did we leave off on this saga that is my life? Ah yes... the non-date with Shane.

He. He. He. (Take that as an ironic, perhaps even sardonic, laugh). I'm sure that the boys in the room will be really unsurprised by this, perhaps even the girls will be unsurprised. Perhaps I am the most unaware, unintelligent, dare I say... retarded... girl in the world.

It was a date my friends. It was definitely a date.

I arrived at Shanes place, where he was all done up to the nines. Well, maybe not that bad, but where I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, he was in a rather dressy collared shirt.

This shall hereby be referred to as the ***First Warning Sign***

We headed off to our movie, which for the record was "The Fourty Year Old Virgin". I don't know if you've seen it, but it is bloody hilarious. Particularly the waxing scene. I laughed so hard I cried, literally. However what really amused me the most was how absolutely embarrassed by the whole thing Shane was. The look of shock on his face, and the constant apologies for the crudeness of the subject matter told me two things.

1) He was very Very VERY unaware of my feelings on matters sexual. Do I strike any of you as the type of girl who would be even slightly embarassed by risque jokes? (Thats a NO people.)

2) He is a prude. Alternatively, he likes me. Likes me likes me. Boys in my experience do not get embarassed talking about sex with girls with whom they do not desire to have sex. Conversely, if you wish to have sex with me, you will NOT wish to discuss the act with me. Or in this case, have it in 40 foot technicolour in front of you. So I took alternative two, he likes me.

I would like to point out right here and now that HA! I am not completely hopeless and clueless when it comes to all men, only when it comes to Guy #2. See - I can read the signals!!! Yay!

After the movie, we took a walk out to get dinner. It was pretty late and the restaurants were closing up, so we grabbed some Chinese takeaway and went back to his place. Let me say now that Shane has the coolest coolest house ever. Its his mum's house, he rents it from her, and she decorated it. I really like Shanes mum. She's a nice lady, and stylish. I don't think I fully appreciated how stylish until I stepped into Shanes house. Home Beautiful has nothing on this place.

So we sat up at the sleek dining ensemble, and ate our Chinese. Then we sat on the styling leather chaise and talked for a while, bout this and that. Same as always. We stuck on a DVD (The Southpark Movie - how romantic!) and sat on the couch watching it. What can I say, Wendy and Stan, Satan and Sadam, the romance overtook us, one thing led to another... etc.

I shall spare you the gory details, as new information regarding my poll has come to light - turns out all those desperado's wanting to hear about my sex life were actually just my best friend being a dag! Thanks Tink!

Mmm. So there we are, rather hot and heavy, and he says, Ok, thats enough.

Sorry???

No really? Sorry???????????????? What the???

Turns out Shane; and I quote: "Doesn't usually do that, actually, has never done that before. No, not has never done that, but not on the first date. Never been one to just pick up girls to sleep with them."

This shall be known as the ***Second Warning Sign***

I have to say, he didn't behave like he didn't "do that" on a first date. And my first reaction was one of incredulous disbelief.

And then... Well, one thing really did lead to another. And yes, Ok, I admit it. I may have behaved in a manner that could be construed as coercive. But I stand by it. I ask you:

Was it really our first date?? No.

Am I just some random girl that he's just picked up?? No.

I know it was wrong of me. I just didn't know HOW wrong it was going to be.

Somewhat later in the evening... "I love spending time with you."  "You make me happy." "I think I'm falling for you." And so on.

This, with large, flashing, red and blue and orange lights, is...

***THE THIRD WARNING SIGN***

Not that it wasn't good or anything, just that I really don't feel that way for Shane. I don't know. Sex for me isn't as connected to how I feel about the person that I'm with as perhaps it should be. Or perhaps in this case it was more about wanting what (he said) I couldn't have. I'm really going to have to reassess this. Its stuff for another post anyway. Or I may just be able to take down blogigo singlehandedly with the sheer weight of this one!

We met up again the next day, where we had a serious discussion. All comments in ***The Third Warning*** had rather freaked me out, as I did not want to be in a serious relationship. I want the freedom to persue Guy #2, as I had previously discussed with Shane, and I just like my freedom full stop. I don't want to give that up yet. Ok, no worries he says.

Right, so lets just clarify exactly what this is then. We will be moving nice and slow, we'll be friends, this is not going to be exclusive, this is not going to be serious, this is going to be slow.

No worries, we'll just go slow, see where it goes, build our relationship. (Build our relationship?? Who talks like that seriously?? It would be warning four, but I was giggling too much to hear the bells)

I also, at some stage, asked him to the charity screening with me.

So my Friday night at the charity screening turned out to be quite different to what I expected, in that Shane was my date rather than Guy #2.

Ah, Friday.

Let us start with me dashing home to change, do makeup, and duck down to the pub to sell raffle tickets in the chook raffle held every Friday at the Vic. This I had arranged to do the week before, and actually the timing worked out quite well.

You may remember Guy #2 saying:

"Will you be here next Friday? (Yes) Excellent, I'll see you here at four thirty, five o'clock then? (YES!!!)

So I arrived at the pub, with the expectation that Guy #2 would arrive at four-thirty, five o'clock and that I would see him there on my arrival at five. I was ready to see him. I'd been working up to it all day. I wasn't even going to be nervous... well... maybe a little nervous... but not beetroot shaking puking nervous. Cute nervous. And because of the charity screening, I had the perfect excuse to get a bit dressed up.

So in I come at five, looking the goods if I do say so myself, and no Guy. So I did what I went to do, and sold a bucketload of tickets (shock horror, in a pub full of dirty stinky men who weren't Guy #2, and me all done up!).

I left at 6, and no Guy #2. Stood me up. Bastard. You can imagine how crushed and peeved that I was at this point.

The contrast between being stood up and being dated by Shane can only be described as marked. Shane opens doors, walks on the curb side, and he is attentive. Thats quite flattering really, and pleasant. Particularly after being stood up. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.

I drove into town and picked Shane up. He was also looking pretty fine. We made rather a handsome couple as we swept down the stairs and into the reception at the Cinema. We had the obligitory wine / beer / nibbles. We met up with my mum and her friend, and chatted to them for a while. Did I mention that my mum is Shanes Godmother? Mmm. Sexy. LOL.

I had warned Shane that my mum would be there and to please behave, however, I'm beginning to think that he doesn't listen to a damn word I say. We got into the theatre, and despite my mum sitting right next to us, he held my hands, rubbed my leg, made kissy faces at me. Subtle.

After the film we went for a walk down the road, and got some dinner. Walking down the street was a whole new experience. I think I managed to disengage from his arms (one round my waist, one holding my hand) for about 2 minutes out of the 20 minutes we were walking. I have never met a man who wants to be in physical contact CONSTANTLY like that. Its truly truly odd. I think that there must be girls out there who like that. Hell, there was a time when I probably would have liked that, but not anymore. I rather like having my own space around me. Not that I don't like being touched, holding hands is lovely. I just don't need to be physically supported as we walk along the street. I have legs. At this point I was feeling a little smothered. I made the reminder, "We are taking things slowly slowly Shane" "Yeah" I don't think that he had registered what I was saying.

I was off to Melbourne the next day, for my girlfriends engagement party (I'll post on that whole trip tomorrow) so I said to Shane that I would speak to him on Monday. He said "When will you be getting home?" "Sunday, and I will speak to you on Monday"

Pretty clear yes?

Apparently not. Despite me seeing him just as I was leaving town at 10am (he was flashing his lights at me as I drove through town, so I stopped to say goodbye) and restating that I would speak to him on Monday, he text messaged me several times over the time I was away, and rang me on Sunday lunchtime.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable, but we've been out say, 5 times. Is it normal behaviour for someone whom you are seeing in a casual, non-exclusive, slowly slowly sort of way to do that?

Perhaps it was just that his timing was shit. I drove into the city for example, and my phone didn't go off at all. Yet as soon as I sat down to have a coffee with my friends, the thing was going stupid. Walking down by the river with my friend, it was going stupid. It really got me completely irritated.

When I got back to Sassville, he rang me. He made some sort of funny comment about how him calling and texting must have been annoying, and I said, yes, yes it was bloody annoying. I only went away for two days, and I went to spend time with my friends, not to be answering text messages, or taking phone calls.

(For the record, I responded to only one of the texts, which asked if I was missing him yet. "No!! Having a blast with my friends!!" and I didn't take the call either)

All in all, feeling very smothered by Shane at the moment, thinking that perhaps it would be best just to tell him its too full on, and I can't see him anymore. I've tried to let him know that I need more space, but he doesn't seem to be able to hear me.

I feel like he's looking to me to fill in some gaps in his life, to make him happy. And as flattering as that may be, that he see's me as someone who would / does make him happy, I don't want to be with someone who isn't already happy in themselves.

I finally found my own happiness, and I'm not prepared to be the person who stands in the way of another person finding theirs. I don't want to be anyones crutch.

What do you think?? Suggestions welcome.

Mood: Happy Sassy
Listening to: John Saffran

So today I sorted out some stuff.

Shane came over for dinner last night and stayed until one am same deal as last time, much chatting, hug goodbye, off he went. Weird.

He also asked if I would like to catch up during the week. For dinner and a movie. Um, HELLO?? What is that???

So anyway, I had lunch with him today, to try and figure out what the heck is going on tomorrow night. With the quasi date. Dinner and a movie. Thats a freaking date. Isn't it?

I just asked him. "So Shane, whats the go with tomorrow night? Dinner and a movie? Is that a date, is that not a date, whats the story??"

"Yes, well actually I was going to ask you the same thing, tomorrow night."

"Oh well, I'm asking now, lets just get it out of the way, then there won't be any weirdness tomorrow night."

"Righto. Well, I'm not really sure, what do you think?"

"Well Shane, I really enjoy your company, but I'd just like to see you as a friend, if thats ok with you?"

"Well thats cool with me, I'm happy to be friends"

Awesome. Sorted.

And very excited, because he's asked me to go to his work Christmas party, and its DRESS UP with a HORROR THEME!!! Miss E. I'll be borrowing that beautiful costume after all!! (I hope you are still happy to loan it to me!)

Haven't seen Guy #2 in the last two days - been out nearly all the time, which is very sad ... however I have been given two tickets to a film night for my friend Megs charity... so if I see him I may be able to screw up courage to ask him out with me.

Do you think I should??

The poll has been updated, so let me know folks?? Should I ask him out or not??

Mood: Joyful
Listening to: Yawny TV

Down at the Pub on Friday night...

Stace came in and we had a chat about what the day had been like, and just general catch up stuff. Miss L. and Mr. C. arrived, to have dinner with their two boys. All the usual lads were in the bar. It really felt like everyone in town was at the Vic last night!

Stace and I started to play pool, and Shane arrived. He's a lovely guy, and he really is quite attractive. Miss L. and Mr. C. came out, and we were all just playing around the pool table.

Anyway we all played pool with for a while, about an hour and a half I guess, and then I got the call.

"Shit Sass, I don't know what to do!" It was the Boy Boarder...

"Settle down Boy Boarder, whats going on?"

"I've written off my car, my mates all cut up and there's blood everywhere, we've both been drinking and I don't know what to do!"

Shit shit shit. Why do people call on me when bad things happen? Why do they expect that I will know what to do?

Anyway, I talked him through the situation. His car was written off, that's not good. But the most important thing was to look after his mate, calling an ambulance if necessary. He hung up at this point, and called me back about ten minutes later.They'd  limped the car back to his mates place, and cleaned up his mates leg, which had some cuts on it, but they weren't that bad, they were just bleeding a lot. They didn't need an ambulance, but if we could come pick him up that would be good.

I'd been drinking and couldn't drive, but Shane was OK, so we decided to head over and pick up the Boy Boarder. Stace came with us and we took my car. The drive was really funny, Shane is so straighlaced! I couldn't help myself, I had to tease him. We laughed almost the entire way.

When we got to the farm where the Boy Boarder and his mate were, we discovered that indeed, they were both fine, and the car was a complete write off. We took the Boy Boarder with us, and drove home to Sassville.

When we got back, the pub was shut. And it seemed like a really good idea to go play on the swings in the park. So we did. And it was heaps of fun! Then we walked Stace home, and took a walk around the lake, in the moonlight, just chatting the whole way. Boy Boarder peeled off to dispense a pesky visitor to our house, and Shane and I had a sit down by the water, talking.

It was kind of weird actually. I was worried that he was going to try something, to kiss me or something. But he didn't. And then I was slightly offended that he didn't. I'm only a little bit hard to please!! I'm a girl after all!

But I'm glad that he didn't, because the only person I want kissing me or holding me in the moonlight is this lad I have a crush on. Sad, but true. And perhaps even a not-so-remote possibility now!

I really don't know what Shane's caper is. He only left here at three this morning, gave me a hug on the way out - a friendly hug, not a coming on to me hug. He's had a pretty rough time of it, so perhaps he just needs a friend to lean on. He's good company anyway, so I guess it doesn't really matter. I'd just like to know where I stood exactly I guess.

All in all, I am a very happy little Sassy today, and Fridays are fast becoming my favourite day of the week!

Mood: Flattered
Listening to: Text messages arriving

So, Miss Tink you are going to get a kick out of this!!!

Guess who I have a date with tomorrow night??

Give you a big hint... Back in the day, BB (Before Boys interested me in the slightest) (and yes folks, believe me there was such a time!!) I would use the name of a certain young man to ward off any questions about my love life...

"Who do you like Sass??"

(Knowing the social unacceptability of saying all boys are dumb, Sass replies with...)

"Shane"

He he he.

 

Hadn't seen the guy in years. Much like Bo returning from the dead, he resurfaced after a while as the erstwhile boyfriend of a workmate of mine. They broke up just as I left that job, and I hadn't seen him in the two years since.

Again, like Bo escaping from a desert island after a plane crash, I bumped into him at the Rod Run. He's the one that I grew up with... "We must catch up!" "Oh yes! We must!" Not really expecting to any time soon, but nice thought.

He rang me today, and I was in town, so he invited me around, so I went, and we chatted for an hour or so, then I left.

For the record, I was wearing pigtails, and looking rather stylish... NOT!!! (To add to the shame, I had actually been wearing pigtails all day at work, so I couldn't just take them out either!)

Text this evening:

"By the way, you did look cute with the ponytails. He he. Would you like to catch up on the weekend?"

Dicussion ensued, and Shane will be joining me tomorrow night at the Vic for a quiet beverage, a game of pool and possibly dinner.

Which may prove interesting, as Friday is Guy #1 & #2 spotting night at the pub! LOL Perhaps they shall be so jealous of Shane that they will slap each other with gloves and duel over me with pistols?? Not likely.

On the very very upside, Shane is at LEAST as hot as those guys, with the added advantage that I know him and can speak to him without wanting to vomit. That's got to be a plus!

Went out with ME last night, and the Boy Boarder came along too. Which was good, because although ME is a nice guy, I'd be struggling if I had to spend the whole night with just him. Just not really my type, and quite hard to talk to. Although, he just sent me a text inviting me out this weekend (I've said no thankyou) so he obviously had a better time than I did!

I struggled to have a conversation with him, although I tried really really, REALLY hard, he was just hard to talk to. I don't know what to say to a person in those uncomfortable silences, and my ability to banter for extended periods about dog breeds and Commodores was sorely tested. Sorely.

I actually said to my mentor today that I struggled talking to people in that sort of situation - she said that she wouldn't have said that about me at all - she thought that I excelled at that. Isn't it funny that people percieve you so very differently to how you percieve yourself?

I don't think I'm a terrible conversationalist, actually, I'm quite reasonable, I just that I acknowledge that it isn't one of my real strengths, not something that I have supreme confidence in.

How weird is my life at the moment. Stay tuned for the next exciting installment...

Mood: Tired

Heee'ssss Baaaccckkk!

My boarder has returned from his extended sojourn to Sydney, and I must say I missed him while he was gone, and am very glad to have him home again.

Tonight we cooked dinner together, laughed and laughed, went to the pub and played some pool, laughed and laughed. I never laugh so much as when he's around.

He is a joy.

Tomorrow we are off into town to play some more pool (I am improving greatly thanks to all the practice I've had lately!) with his cousin and his cousins mate, ME, the one who asked me out. He seems really nice, so it should be fun.

For the record... the pool score stands at 3 games to 2. My way!!!

 

On other matters, prayers and happy thoughts to Jude, who is undergoing an angiogram tomorrow morning. May all go well.

Mood: Sad

Rain today, making me feel ever-so-slightly melancholy.

Don't really know why.

Perhaps I am just having a little bit of a burnout day, after the full on and awesome nature of my weekend.

Perhaps it has more to do with the packing up I've been doing over the last two days. I'm putting Nicky's baby clothes away. Don't really know why I'm putting them away, it's not like I'm going to have another baby any time soon, and really I don't have the room to store the clothes, toys etc. But I can't bring myself to part with them. Some things are easy, off they go to St. Vincent de Paul. Other things, it just makes me sad to see them.

Because of Mr D. The memories of the clothes, we bought them together, or he liked her in that set, or we went to the park / party / had a special occasion together when she wore that particular thing.

Does make me feel rather sad to think that if I did have another child, it wouldn't be the same. There wouldn't be any sharing of memories when we unpacked the clothes. Mr D. wouldn't be part of that. It wouldn't be a full sister or brother for Nicky.

I know that I am lucky to have such a good relationship with Mr D., but at the same time, I can't help but wish things had ended differently. Or not ended as the case may be.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that we should be together, or that I would want to be with him again, just that I am recognising the extent of the loss, for me, and for Nicky, now that it is over between us.

It makes me sad.

It makes me want to make better decisions in the future.

Mood: Smiling
Listening to: Memories of loud engines!

Sorry about those last two entries folks, it did seem like a really good idea to blog drunk at the time...

Just arrived home from my very first, but definitely not my last, Rod Run. For the uninitiated, a Rod Run is where a whole heap of Hot Rods (and their owners!) come together for a celebration of everything retro, rock, and real metal. Fantastic.

There were Chevy's, Fords, Holdens, Studies, Mustangs, and much much more. Oh, and there was... FRANKIE J HOLDEN!!!!

It was awesome fun. The Run to Bright is held annually, and this was the 15th Anniversary Run. There were 500 odd entrants, plus any number of visitors coming to purve on the cars.

I don't know what I was expecting it to be like, but it far exceeded any ideas that I had had. The atmosphere was awesome, family fun from start to finish. There was no "That car sucks", it was all "Wow, look at that!". There was no bad language, there was no dangerous behaviour, there was just good clean fun. Burnouts, loud motors, shiny shiny chrome, and my personal favourite... Rat Rods.

Again, for the uninitiated...

This is a Hot Rod:

http://go.brightvic.com/brightrodrun/

This is a Rat Rod:

http://www.the-rumbler.com/ratday2k22.html

This one has nothing on the Rats that were at the Run though. There was one that I swear to God I thought that they had dropped off the back of a truck. Didn't look like it would run at all. Then they started it, and the noise!! Crikey Gee Willikers. LOUD. Just cool.

List of Highlights:

*Driving up, around and home.

*Picking up a very cool antique table with a bevelled glass top for $15.

*Losing the keys to my room... turns out Mr. C. had picked them up and had them in his pocket all day.

*Running into some old friends over dinner. One guy I went to school with, and Shane, who I grew up with. Making plans to catch up with them again soon. Miss. L. thought that they were both Hot. (Two boys obviously) and... (Not HHHOOOTTT HOT, but Hot, she was quite right.)

A fantastic weekend. Note to self: Book for next year!!!

If and when I ever ever ever ever ever have sex again...

The 16 depraved souls who want to hear more about it will.

If it ever happens.

 

Which it may, if I ever have the courage to wear the hot little dress I bought today out in public.

Thanks for your assistance with that one ol' buddy.

Wondering if trying it on again pissed is a good idea? Probably not. Cos I'd have to stand on the side of my bath to see myself in the mirror, and that could end badly.

Probably should go to bloody bed.

Wish Guy #2 was in my bed.

I'd like to hear about that one!!!!

Mood: Drunk
Listening to: Drunken typing with many errors

Just came home from the pub.

Am slightly inebriated.

Nothing wrong with that, is there??

Feeling slightly bad, in a "Piss Off Men - Take THAT!!!!" Kind of way.

Went and got a mate to go to the pub with me, as my matey Stace wasn't available.

He was one of the lads we were playing pool with two weeks ago at the pub, very nice boy. Young though, 20. Yipes. Rumour has it that we slept together, because he walked me home. Bah.

For the record, I didn't sleep with him, he DID walk me home, but I said a very cheery goodnight and came inside without even so much as a peck on the cheek.

Not my type.

In his favour, he did deny that anything had happened when people round town asked him. Thats much nicer than just making stuff up.

However, when I went to see if he wanted to go to the pub tonight...

He obviously thought he was in.

Booow Booongggg. (You know, that gameshow noise they make when you get stuff really really really really wrong.)

Anywho.

Played pool all night, had far far too many drinks, finished off our travellers in the park on the swings, let him walk me home (its on the way to his place, he lives like four doors away) said goodnight and came inside.

HAH.

Men who think you are going to sleep with them just because you go to the pub with them.

Friggin' men.

Sigh.

Wish Guy #2 was here.

God I'm pathetic.

But, on the UP side, I haven't just started sleeping with random people because I can't have what I really really want.

Yet.

I need a kiss. I want a kiss.

A long, soft, gentle, loving kiss.

From a man with gentle eyes, skin and hands.

And strong arms.

Who smells nice, and kisses well.

Who gives me butterflies, warms my blood, likes me for me.

He would pull me gently into his arms, tilt my head back with a soft finger under my chin until I was looking up into his eyes, then slowly, deliberately, bring his lips to mine.

My knees would turn to water.

His arms around me would hold me to him, supporting me, leaning on me, supporting him.

A gentle sigh from each of us, as the kiss ends.

Eyes opening, finding each other, gazing with the soft warmth of a wintery doona cuddle. An understanding. A sharing.

No words.