All The Small Things

Mood: Laughing
Listening to: The Alice

Had the opportunity to talk to Guy #2 today, but instead I played the duck past and bolt away game. If someone did that to me, I'd be thinking that they weren't even remotely interested in me. Why am I so shit at this??? (On the brighter side, each time I ducked in and out of the place we were I got to check out his super fine butt. Um... YUM and Stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I truly hope that my disgraceful crushing stupidness will pass, like a summer cold. Perhaps then I will realise that despite all of my small-girlish hopes, he's not even remotely interested in me.

In other, very weird and odd news:

I got asked on a date tonight. Still shaking my head about it.

By my boarder's cousin's mate from Sydney, with whom I played pool on Friday night. Only met the guy once. And I quote direct from text message, poor capitalization, punctuation et al:

"Hi, its ME, sorry to call so late just wondering if you would be interested in having lunch or dinner in the near future or another game of pool"

As I have a policy of never turning down a man who has the guts to ask me out, I have replied, leaving a message on his voicemail, as he didn't answer his phone. One wonders about a man who sends such a text, then doesn't answer his phone. Anyway...

I just said, sure, it would be nice to go out for dinner or lunch or pool or whatever, I'm pretty busy this week, but ring me back and we can set a time.

I do hope that doesn't sound too interested. I used a very not-overly-excited sort of voice. Cos I'm not interested in dating him, but he's a nice enough bloke, and we could be mates. However, this is the first time that my policy has been tested since its inception, so I figured I'd just see where it went.

Life is a series of curve balls is it not?

All I need now is for someone I really fancy to ask me out, and the dates to clash, and hilarity to ensue, and my life will really have become a trashy sitcom.

*Wanders off to check ceilings and light fittings for hidden cameras*

Mood: Amused
Listening to: The Apprentice

Discussion with the HbK last night regarding Guy #2. No need to be jealous HbK, you know I love you! So clench those teeth and get through this one!

Realistically, I haven't spoken to guy#2 since Gypsy's party. Which was almost two months ago now. So that in itself would make the whole situation weird. How does one have a conversation with someone who knows nearly everything about you, but with whom you have hardly spoken? I know so much about him, yet I don't know HIM at all. I mean, we've seen each other around, said hi, waved from our cars and stuff, but not a "proper" conversation.

If, one day, guy #2 were to ask me out, what would I say? I'd like to say yes. Lets face it, the guy has an awful lot going for him, least of which is his complete and utter hotness. He's also just a lovely person from all accounts, and certainly that has been my experience of him. I really would like to know him better, should the opportunity come my way. (Despite previous entry to the contrary!)

But then there is the drug thing. I've heard from other folks that heuses pot. And I'm not up for that as you know.

This is what I was discussing with the HbK.

If one day (and this is a purely hypothetical situation, with no chance of it ever actually eventuating, so merely from an old girl guides "be prepared" kind of viewpoint) this guy asked me out, what would I say?

This is the HbK's suggestion - and HbK, I apologise for paraphrasing you poorly, I'm sure it sounded much more classy coming from you!

"Thanks, I'd really love to, but actually, before I say yes, there is something that I should tell you. I'm not interested in getting involved with anyone who uses drugs. Is that ok with you?"

Much more genteel than my own particular bent, which would have been more along the lines of:

"Wow, thanks, I'm flattered. But I have a couple of questions to ask you before I can say yes, ok? Just some standard screening questions you understand..." (Approved answers are in italics for your own future knowledge!)

(For the record, I've been working on these for a while, not just for the benefit of this one guy! God help anyone who wants to ask me out!!!)

"1. Are you male, and single"

Yes and yes. (This may seem obvious - but you can never be too careful!)

"2. I have a daughter, are you aware of this?"

Yes, I've seen her, she's beautiful, and you are a wonderful mum. It is one of the many things that drew me to you... That and your beauty, wit and charm. But please, continue!

"3. Do you swallow, smoke or inject any substance that is illegal?"

No, never. Drugs are for sick people, and should be treated with respect.

"4. Do you abuse prescription medications?"

No, in fact, I am in PERFECT health. I can go ALLLL night - try me!.

"5. Holden or Ford?"

Holden of course!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS, AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST SAFE LEVEL!

"6. Can you cook?"

Yes, my specialty is Eye Fillet Steak with Bearnaise Sauce and perfectly steamed vegetables... Why are you tearing my clothes off???

"Ahem, sorry about that... Right, 7. When was the last time you changed your bed sheets?"

Any time in the last week is acceptable. One wouldn't want to date a man with poor sheet changing habits.

"8. When was the last time you saw your mother?"

Right answer: We have a great relationship, I dropped by her place last week to catch up with the family for Aunt ###'s birthday.

Wrong answer: This morning as she was making my breakfast / making my bed / laying out my work clothes...

"9. What was the last thing you read?"

Right answer: Anything with words in it. Spectrum from bad - magazines to good - books.

Wrong answer: Penthouse, Playboy, or the latest Ford catalogue.

"10. Why are you asking me out?"

Right answer: Because I really like you.

Wrong answer: Because someone told me to /  Because I want to get laid / I'm after you for your money (this last one would demonstrate that the man was an idiot!)

A pass rate of 5/5 for the first 5 questions, and 2/5 for the last 5 questions is required for an answer in the affirmative from Sass to the potential suitor. This is a timed exam, and no books are to be taken into the examination room. You may begin... NOW.

 

On second thoughts, HbK's does sound rather less threatening! LOL.

Mood: Settled and Fearful
Listening to: Rain on the roof

Another beautiful day in Sassville.

It rained on and off all day, filling our lake to almost capacity. I can see the water from my house (if I stand on my front fence!) and to see the sun shining on the water between the showers is truly magnificent. The clouds skimming the tops of the mountains, the poddys damply romping in the paddocks on the hills opposite my house. When I'm old, I hope I can remember days like today, the images that take my breath away.

Feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I have decided...? That doesn't seem like the right word. Perhaps I have become resigned to the fact that there is no answer to these problems. I need to just let it go, and see what eventuates on its own.

Looking out my window today as I did the dishes, all I could think was that it really doesn't matter. Love is really an elusive thing, the more you chase it, the more distant it becomes.

So I hereby resign from the chase.

How long this will last is another matter all together. But for the moment, I feel content with this conclusion.

If only the butterflies would leave my stomach.

I read a book once that spoke not of butterflies, but of frogs. Frogs leaping about in your stomach, marching around on the knot of fear and angst that sits just under your ribs.

That's the feeling that I have.

It's a scary thing to be alone.

Yet alone is what I need to be - at least until the frogs stop marching, and I am content in myself, by myself.

Meanwhile, I shall continue to admire and exclaim over the beauty of the people and the landscape around me. I am so lucky to live in a place like Sassville. It truly is a little peice of paradise.

Mood: Confused, disassociated...

Hi y'all. A warning first up. I've been pondering this stuff for the last week or so... and it has disturbed my sleep and nearly every aspect of my life.

I can only imagine that this entry is going to be rather long, incoherent and complicated - so if you are in a hurry, don't start.

Ok - seatbelts on, lets rock.

 

I have been focusing for some time now on the importance of both men and sex in my life. You have been with me on the journey through the whole "Casual Sex Guy" thing and consequent backfire, and have had to be party to my almost constant whinging regarding the lack of suitable men in my life. I have subjected my friends and family to my sooking, and have set them the task of "finding me a man". I have set my sights on a number of unattainable, or alternatively, unsuitable partners. I have made a number of bad decisions, none of which I regret per se, however I do consider them to be learning experiences.

I just realised how completely stupid that all was.

(Yes - I know how obscene it is that it has taken me sooo long to figure it out! I can only point to my youth and relative inexperience at being "single" in all senses of the word)

I had a epiphany last night at the pub. An odd place for everything to come together I guess, but there you go.

So I'm in the pub, and the guy I'm interested in was there. And he was stoned. He was totally rude to me, and left without saying goodbye after about an hour of chatting away quite friendly. What an eyeopener. I've never seen him on drugs - so what a gift to see him in this new light. I am definitely NOT interested in persuing anything with him.

Earlier in the night, my friends partner came in and quite loudly proclaimed that I had "been at the wrong pub!" as another guy I'm interested in (there are a few!!) had been at the other pub drinking and he could have "got us together" if I'd been down there. Guy #1 heard every word, and there was a definite change in his demeanor after this conversation. Again - an eyeopener.

My reaction was one of initial embarassment. I was embarassed to be caught talking about one in front of the other.

Why do I put so much effort in to the whole men thing?

Here are my conclusions.

Sex. I really enjoy it. But it isn't the same if you don't have true feelings for the person that you are with. Perhaps the "backfire" with Bloke really was a blessing. That situation never felt tawdry. However, I'm really not interested in having random sex with random people. There is nothing to be gained from that. There is no redeeming feature in that. I'm not that sort of girl.

I think sex isn't what I am really seeking. Its affection. That delicious feeling of being connected to someone. The feeling that warms your blood and makes every other thing in your life fade into insignificance.

And if I seek affection, or dare I say it, love, what then am I doing? Surely these things will appear in their own good time - and at a time when I am ready and able to accept them? They cannot be forced, or created from nothing. Affection must be genuine, spontaneous, and freely given. There is nothing trite or untrue about real affection. Having experienced true love, I know I will never settle for less.

So why does it appear that I am so set on settling?

Lets face it. I'm not at that point where I am willing to enter into a situation that offers that level of feeling yet. Any relationship that came my way right now I'd stuff up. I'm not emotionally stable enough to deal with a "real" relationship. Or maybe I am, and it just scares the shit out of me, so I am doing my best to avoid getting too close to anyone.

I don't know. It's getting late. I'm heading off to think more on this stuff. Your opinions are more than welcome though - all clarity seems to have slipped away from me.

Pinched this from JtH, who pinched it from someone else...

It was a test - have a go - link at the bottom.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

For the record, its spot on. Right down the marriage part. It really does scare the hell out of me. And you all know I'm a flirty girl right now!

Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: Thoughts Whirring

The girls were discussing having a sex toy party tonight, and two things came to my mind.

One: They all have husbands or partners to take their toys home to. And lets face it, these things are MUCH more fun when there is a co-operative effort involved. I'm just plain old jealous!

Two: Miranda and the "Sex and the City" episode that covered the obsessive use of "mechanical friends". The Rabbit had her holed up like a hermit, ditching friends, even dates, and bewitching her with its battery operated goodness. This lead me to two more major issues, things I should have to consider as a single girl attending a sex toy party:

One: My budget doesn't stretch to the level of battery use that would be involved in an obsessive relationship with a sex toy. Really. Batteries are expensive. While I don't begrudge the initial outlay, I think these things are better used as an accessory to the experience as opposed to becoming the whole experience in and of themselves. Which leads me very neatly into number two:

Two: I like men. And not just for the bits that... well... Anyway, I like men for their conversation, their minds, their strange and odd behaviour. For their pack mentality. For their inability to deal with the most simple of tasks, yet the strangest ability to process complex and convoluted mechanical type tasks with minimal effort. For their ability to hold me, and make me feel safe and warm, even on the coldest of nights. For their mind boggling way of not actually coming out and saying what they mean.  The way that they never grow up. I couldn't swap the enigma that is MAN for something that went buzz in the night.

I wonder if men feel this way about women? If there were mechanical means of gaining the same, if not better levels of sexual satisfaction, would women be prized above the toy?

Mood: Blissful
Listening to: Life roll by

Today when I woke up my world was a shiny new place to be.

Life is wonderful!

It's a joy to be alive, to feel the sun shining on my shoulders, to play with my daughter, to spend time with people who love us.

Today Nicky and I went to the park. We spun round in circles till we fell over, we chased each other around. She knocked me over and jumped on me. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

I think sometimes we forget the simple things.

The joy of just BEING.

Even if you know the joy of being in the moment, you can let it slip away, get caught up in the hum-drum details, the boggy mundane stuff that happens.

Today, I rediscovered it. If only I could give it to those closest to me!

Mood: Happy and Relaxed
Listening to: Law and Order

My Weekend away with the girls…

 

Bloody Awesome.

 

Topics covered…

 

Hair colourant: Permanent vs Rinse

Boys: Covered in chocolate, skinny dipping, for keeps or just to “ahem” to play with.

Proposal Stories: The good, the bad, and the sickeningly romantic.

Farms: Pro’s and con’s of pulling calves / milk prices / tractor stories..

Possible themes for birthday parties.

 

Much wine drunken. Shots. Messy. Food, much, fattening. Much laughter.

 

I am feeling SSOOOO relaxed after an awesome weekend away with the girls, and my batteries are again fully charged. As is my self confidence!

 

I’m even excited about going in to work tomorrow – on my day off!!

 

Funniest conversation of the whole weekend from my point of view? I was in the antique shop talking with Miss K and Miss L, and Miss K says just in the middle of the conversation “You have the most beautiful eyes. Sorry, I wasn’t even listening to what you were saying, I was just looking at your eyes!” Miss L turns to Miss K and says “OH! I’ve done that too! They’re lovely aren’t they!” You can always count on your mates for the most lovely of compliments! (And to not listen to you!!)

 

With much love, hugs, kisses and affection, and with the deepest wishes that your special person may show up skinnydipping in a pool of chocolate or jelly,

 

Sass.

Mood: Glowing
Listening to: The beautiful silence

Today I feel beautiful, sexy, young and special.

 

We are all inherently beautiful. I have said it time and time again here. Do not judge a book by it's cover.

And yet in the last few entries here, I was judging others harshly, and judging myself against others.

I was wrong. I am sorry.

 

Today is a beautiful day.

Mood: Peevish
Listening to: Dan-cing!

I'm sorry, but I can only see 7 stars in this show. The six stars that Brodie Holland gets for his six pack. And one for Paul Macurio - and that is only because he was sooooo incredibly hot in Strictly Ballroom. (I can admit it - I saw it several times, and if I had a VCR / DVD I'd be watching it daily before bed...) But now he is old, and slightly crusty, so he loses points for that.

Anyway.

Just saw Blokes ex and her friend down the street - they were giving me daggers. Ah, the wonderful fallout from my visitors stay in Sassville.

"So how is Bloke?" Says the ex, with a paring knife.

"Really well, I spoke to him yesterday actually. He seems really happy with the camp and the work. He's just come off night shift."

"Oh, so you hear from him then." Friend pipes in with steak knife.

"Yeah." *Looking puzzled* "Hasn't he called you guys?"

"No." "No." Ex and Friend whip out machetes.

"I sent him a couple of messages but I didn't get an answer" Hack Hack Hack

"Oh, well that'll just be because he doesn't have any service where he lives! He has to climb up to the top of a hill to call me and the reception is really bad so he drops out all the time and has to call back..." *Fades out on noticing sudden drop in temperature*

"Right then. Well we had better go. Say hello to Bloke for us."

*Gives look that say's "You Bitch, I Hate You"*

(And I'm sorry but I couldn't help myself)

"Sure, he should be calling tomorrow, so I'll let him know. He said he'll be coming home for a visit soon, I think he's a bit homesick!" *Grins Wickedly*

HA. HA HA HA HA HA!.

Sorry, but why be bitchy at me? What's the point?

Obviously Bloke didn't let them know that I wasn't really his type. I wonder why he let me know, but didn't tell her, when she's the one he's holding a candle for? I mean, he loved her, but he calls me not her. What gives? Perhaps his evil plan is to make her jealous through me? Thats not really his style.

I think I may just give up. I don't understand men. I don't understand women. Life can be really rooted sometimes.

And now I feel bad, sullying my blog with these unworthy thoughts, and poorly phrased sentiments.

Fuck it.

Mood: Sad & Teary
Listening to: Idol... A word used much too loosely in my opinion!

My sister.

She hates me.

She rang today just to abuse me.

Mum, Mr.D, my Dad and brother: "Don't let her get to you"

Yeah. Right. Why didn't I think of that?

 

Because I can't help it.

It just hurts.

Mood: Playful
Listening to: In Siberia Tonight

My mother is a very spiritual person, who has a number of card decks that she uses. One of these is the Angel deck. The Angel Cards are supposed to be a conduit through which your guardian angels can give you devine guidance.

I personally think that they are more like a chance for you to openly interpret cards that are ambiguous in the extreme. However, that being said, there are odd things that can happen when you use the cards.

I find it interesting to do a reading for myself, it can give clarity to my thinking, if the meaning that I read into a card is obviously biased one way or another, then I have already made up my mind, yet I am refusing to acknowledge my decision. This gives me the opportunity to explore what it is that makes me uncomfortable about my decision. Will it hurt someone I care about, will it mean the loss of a job, will it mean major changes in my life? It can be quite confronting - if you are struggling with something really important.

Tonight I asked the angel cards what I should do with my life.

I shuffled the cards, fanned the cards, split and rejoined the cards. I twisted those buggers every way I knew how. And the 5 same cards kept coming out.

The deck has 60 cards in it.

So statistically for me to keep pulling the SAME 5 cards is virtually impossible. Yet that is what happened. I was working them for around an hour, while my mum and Nicky made a cake.

So here are my 5 cards, in random order:

Wisdom.

Creativity.

Patience.

Opportunity.

Mercy.

What does this mean? These were my thoughts, feel free to comment!

Am I already wise enough to know that my life is progressing as it should? I guess so. I mean, everything happens for a reason. If a situation arises, it either allows me to go in a new direction, or to recognise a path that I do not wish to follow, and to honour my decision in that regard. Wisdom infers that I have the understanding that not everything is within my control, yet I can see the gift in any situation, and with that wisdom, I can move through my life with joy and abundance.

Creativity. I've started painting, drawing, I've recently done mosaic work, and I would consider this blog to be a creative persuit. I really enjoy the writing that I am doing here, although the creativeness of that is questionable, as I mostly just tell you about my day. However, bringing my creativity to the fore has opened me to new and interesting people, I am bringing exhibitions to my workplace, and it gives me a lightness that I haven't felt in a long time. Perhaps this card is an affirmation that creativity is a positive force in my life.

Patience. Not a virtue that I possess in any great quantity. However, it is something that I know I need to work on. No doubt there is the perfect car / job / relationship / meal out there for me, if I am but patient enough to wait until the time is right for that thing to enter my life. From the Desiderata: "No doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should". Perhaps I need to just stop with the frenetic, rushing, business of my life, and make room for good things to come into my life as they will.

Opportunity. Seize the day. Should I set my mind on staying in my job for another 3 years, or should I understand that by keeping an open mind, there may be a wonderful opportunity come my way if I am aware of it. Should I say, no, not interested in this or that sort of relationship, or should I keep a more open mind about the opportunities in my life.

Mercy. This really threw me. The card read something like, "By forgiving and accepting yourself, it opens the way for forgiveness and acceptance of others, and a deeper and more meaningful relationship with all those in your life." Ok, I can see that. I have a real issue with my body, and as a result, I have a real issue with women who are extremely confident in their bodies. What would acceptance of my body give me? I'd recieve peace. I could relax about what I looked like, and enjoy myself more. I wouldn't feel inferior to other women, and I wouldn't feel this deep and abiding dislike of grid-girls, strippers, and other skanky females.

I can handle the rest, but the last one is my personal bug-bear and challenge. Can you tell?? LOL

I'd appreciate any alternative to my interpretation of the final card... anything in the order of:

Sassy is merciful, gentle and kind.

Sassy has mercy for all animals, hence her not leaving rancid Snappy Tom out for the feral cat that craps in her garden... thought the temption is great. GREAT.

As above, substituting saucer of milk with aspro in it for Snappy Tom...

I don't want to prempt you though. Anything complimentary would be fine! LOL

Mood: Tired and Cranky!
Listening to: Australian Princess

Today I mowed my lawns, in what I am sure my neighbours will remember as an afternoon of comic gold. To the point that the lady across the road took to her verandah chair to watch my antics.

My lawnmower is a champ. I got a brand new shiny Victor for an engagement gift, and when my engagement broke up and I moved home, I took the lawnmower with me. Where my Dad used it to keep their lawns in check. His mower was a cranky old thing, chipped, rusty in spots, vibrated and rattled like an old steam train, blew blue smoke, the whole shebang.

So when I moved out, my Dad very craftily packed for me his old mower, and kept mine. So now "my" mower is a cranky old Victor. Mine was red, it went fast and smooth. I'm sure that the cranky one did have a paint job at one stage, however, it seems to have gone... which I don't understand, as it must have been painted in the era of lead based paints.

It seemed wrong somehow to accuse my dad of stealing my mower, so instead I've been perservering with the old banger. But today may be the end of our time together.

It all started in the front yard. And it did start, first time! I was so shocked that I jumped behind and started pushing. Which is when I discovered the latest development. A self ejecting catcher.

Yes, I can see that this may be a useful invention. Catcher full, engine slows itself, and catcher disengages. Lawnmower designers take note.

However my mower being the old banger that she is, the catcher disengages, debris flies, and the engine just keeps pumping out the blue fumes. Did I mention that it doesn't actually have different speeds? Flat out or stop, and the only way to make it stop is to turn off the petrol and wait until it conks out.

So the self ejecting catcher wasn't a welcome discovery. But, I could deal with it. I just took it as an opportunity to get some extra exercise by emptying the catcher regardless of the fill level. And practice the much underrated art of replacing the catcher whilst holding ones breath and keeping ones eyes tightly closed.

All good.

Then I realised that the fuel tank wasn't sitting where it should be. So I stopped the engine and checked it out like the seasoned mechanic that I am.

It'd fallen off! There are three little screws that hold the fuel tank on top of the engine, and two of them had gone completely. The other one had vibrated its way out and was sitting there, laughing at me. Smartarse screw, I thought to myself as I popped it out, I'll fix you!

I headed down to the shops and attempted to buy some replacement screws. How hard could it be right? No one had screws the right size with the right thread type. (It was fine, not self tapping) (That's technical mechanic-person type talk - are you impressed?? LOL) So I got one screw and thought, oh well, that'll do it.

So I took my screw home, whipped out my philips head screwdriver and tightened them up. Then I did a run up and down and... the bloody thing fell off! So I whipped out my philips head screwdriver and put the screws back in, again. Then I did another run up and down. And it fell off AGAIN.

Rather like lather, rinse, repeat. I mowed,  I screwed, and honey you know I repeated.

And all the while that smart little screw was mocking me. Think you'd fix me did you? Think I'm a smartarse do you? HA - I'll show you!

Ok screw. You win. And the rest of you should take this as a warning...

Don't abuse your screw. Even if your screw is a smartarse. In the long run, it will only make your life more difficult.

Mood: Arrogant (after 11pm!)
Listening to: All the Small Things

Before I do anything else… I must congratulate my best mate Tink on her triumphs at the Hockey tournament. I always knew you were Gold Medal material, and now you have the proof! What say you – next time you visit our fair home city you can wear your Medal, and I shall pretend to be paparazzi, seeking your autograph!. Go Tink Go!!! *Waves Pom-Poms, kicks legs, pigtails flying*

 

On to other news…

 

Well, my visitor has been and gone, and I believe a good time was had by all parties involved. As this particular visitor has pointed out to me that certain people were expecting this to be “long distance booty call” (Tink – please restrain that man!) I shall endeavour to keep this account clean and pure, and buff some of the tarnish that has apparently attached itself to my previously spotless reputation.

 

Or perhaps I should just continue to write as I have been writing? For me and me alone? Yes, I think I shall choose the latter. After all, can you imagine how dull this would be for you dear reader if I were to portray myself as a one dimensional do-gooder… I think if you have read any of the previous entries you are well aware that I am good, when it suits me, and when I am bad… at least I have the decency to be good at it!

 

Before I go into details of the weekend, I have a confession to make. I do this in order to abase myself for the sin that I know I have committed – to prove the sincerity of my apology. “I am soooooo sorry!!!”

 

After 13 hours travel across our great brown (and green – the drought has broken after all… tangent man!!) land, the intrepid visitor stepped from his plane, collected his bag, and took a seat. Because I wasn’t there to pick him up… I was only about 20 minutes late (for me that’s an achievement in itself) however – I will admit that I should have been there on time, and it was a rather inauspicious beginning to our 3 days together. It wasn’t even a particularly early flight!

 

However, I am pleased to report that that was the low point of the weekend. I do realise I am speaking for myself alone here – perhaps my guest would disagree with me? LOL. I don’t think so! (Ah – I’m writing this at night when my “arrogance” kicks in!)

 

I was going to write about the nice things we did, the lovely compliments that were exchanged and all sorts of romantic shit. However, I realised that a) that would only serve to vindicate certain peoples opinions, b) this would be more fun, and c) there is little to no right of reply on this blog, so Ha Ha Ha Ha *evil laughter echoes round my lounge room* I can write what I like!

 

So instead… I am going to write an account (mainly fictional – partly factual) of my guests atrocious behaviour during his stay in Sassville.

 

**Asked for coffee. Coffee was made. Inferred dislike of coffee by use of “Third Fine”. Punishment ensued. Guest was made to get his own coffee for rest of visit. (I am nothing if not thoroughly lazy!)

 

**Used masses of hot water immediately on arrival. This apparently was necessary for him to shave. I chose not to inquire what… He volunteered that it was his head. "Too much information!" I cried!

 

**Went fishing. This was despite the presence of me, in my bucket hat. I ask you fellow citizens, would you go fishing? Two words folks, Bucket… Hat…

 

**Cast dispersions on my creative talents and made grout jokes. Grout Jokes.

 

**Failed to bring a long promised gift. This caused untold damage to my psyche. As if it were not damaged enough.

 

**Complaint at lack of “Breakfast Menu”. I can think of two words that also start with B & M… “Bite Me!”

 

**Fully checked out the slappers at the Vic – undoubtedly with the sole intention of “upgrading”. Yeah, I saw you lookin’.

 

**Beat me at pool three times in a row. On the black ball each time. (Those of you who know me will understand that this is the fictional part of the list!!)

In reality, I had a lovely time (even if he did really complain about my coffee!). He was a pleasure to have around, and will be welcome back any time. It’s nice to have friends in far flung places, even if they aren’t on the map!

Mood: Sniffle-y
Listening to: Exhaust Fan Whirring

I try I really, really do.

Tonight I spent 3 hours cooking dinner. I made a casserole, with chicken, bacon, onion, tomatoes, basil, garlic, macaroni, cheese, and many other tasty and healthy ingredients.

I sharpened my knife.

I used a seperate cutting board for meat and vegetables.

I cooked all the bits individually.

I greased the dish so it wouldn't stick.

I pre-heated the oven.

I assembled with the greatest of care.

Then I put it in the oven and set the timer on the microwave.

I bathed Nicky, got her in her PJ's and put her to bed.

I should have heard the beeping.

I should have realised the time.

And now, I have a delicious meal of charcoal.

Yum.

At least it will be good for my teeth...

Or does that only hold true for dogs?

Why, Oh, Why, Can't I Cook???

 

*** I spent last night writing an exciting account of my weekend visitors stay... But I left it at work where I have no internet access at present. I PROMISE I will post it tomorrow... Keep tuned folks ***