All The Small Things

Jun 26, 2010 at 06:11 o\clock

School Holidays...

by: Sassy1

I used to love the school holidays.

I used to spend my time with Nicky, and then when she went to her dads, have some time to myself.

We used to sleep in and enjoy the peace and quiet of our home, light the fire at this time of the year, spend some time with friends and family and just generally have a wonderful time.

 

Now days holidays are abhorrent to me.

Jays children are with us, so this morning, first morning of the holidays, instead of peace and quiet, I woke up to yelling, swearing and complaints.

 

Then I got to get up, and listen to that while I had my first cup of tea for the day... and then I needed to use the toilet.

But of course when I got in there I immediately had to leave it again, because one of them had shit all over it. Literally. Shit everywhere.

So I asked the boys, which one of you used the toilet last? The older one blamed the younger one, the younger one denied it. Then they both denied it.

Jay made them both go and clean it - but I can't help but feel like they are both liars. Liars who shit in my house.

 

Then they went and had showers, and when I walked up the hall I noticed that the younger one had left his clothes all over the bathroom, along with his wet towel and assorted crap.

I asked him to go clean it up, and he got up from the floor where he was sitting, and went to the lizards box, and opened it and started playing in it. I asked what he was doing - putting the lizard back.

He isn't supposed to have the lizard out of the box. I object to having a lizard in the house at all, and I WILL NOT HAVE THE LIZARD OUT OF THE BOX. Fucking rediculous.

 

So then Jay told him not to play with the lizard, but that just distracted him, and the bathroom is still a fucking disaster area.

 

I detest having these children in my house. I detest it. They are disgusting, rude, ignorant and vile, and have absolutely no respect for me or this house.

 

And its only day one. 

Apr 3, 2010 at 16:01 o\clock

Peaceful Easter Night...

by: Sassy1

My darling Jay has gone away for the weekend with my Dad, my beautiful daughter is asleep in her room, and all is peaceful in the house.

Lovely.

That last post was rather disappointing, wasn't it.

 

I"m not going to delete it... I was incredibly angry when I wrote it - obviously. But it was what it was. Its an accurate representation of what I felt at the time, and its helpful to have that to reflect back on once I'm calm and collected and blissfully alone.

 

Things here are quite stressful when Jays children are around, and coping with the constant smell and issues associated with the younger ones bowel and bladder issues... well, clearly I don't cope with that.

Equally difficult to cope with is that they ignore me, don't speak to me, and I'm sure that they bait me deliberately.

By the same token, I don't seem to have any capacity to deal with them or any desire to interact with them anymore at all. Its like an unspoken agreement - neither of us speaks to the other, and does our best to minimise any points of interaction. They seem to take pleasure in making unavoidable interactions unpleasant though.

The younger one will walk up the middle of the hallway, and won't move to go around me, bumping into me as if I don't exist for example, or if I happen to be in the loungeroom, they will come in to the room, and make constant and repetitive noise... banging toys together, shaking a box of marbles, or pretending to shoot each other (or me) while surreptitiously watching me for a reaction.

And shit like that drives me crazy cat-lady mad, which makes me get incredibly tense and Jay can spot that a mile away.

 

It makes me feel that there is something very small in me.

 

How can I not have the capacity to continue to try with these children?

How can I not cope with them when they are clearly quite damaged - their mother is a deeply disturbed person, and it is clear that the relationship that she and Jay shared was not a happy one. Equally, it is clear that in breaking up, they have undergone considerable trauma, and continue to be fed unhealthy lies and in some cases truths, all of which are far beyond their capacity to understand and process at their ages.

They are small, damaged boys.

 

Here, when they are gone, and I am alone to contemplate the situation, I have compassion for their situation.

I do.

I feel sad for them that they are going through this confusing, difficult stuff, and that they have been so changed by it. They are in no way the same children that I met a few years ago. They are changed - from moderately happy children into bitter, angry, sad and spiteful children. The younger has always had issues with his toilet habits, but they have certainly escalated in the past couple of years.

I can see their issues, and the changes in them, and feel compassion. 

But when they are here, I feel nothing.

I feel no desire to make an effort to be their friend - I've tried it often in our early days here together, and had that many slaps in the face, I no longer have any internal motivation to try.

It is such an effort to be around them and I feel so utterly stressed out by having to be, that its easier to just make other plans and not be around them.

 

I've suggested a number of ways of dealing with the situation to Jay - he won't have any of it. I know that I disappoint him by not making a greater effort with them - I know he wants me to be this sort of endlessly cheerful, relentlessly friendly, always attempting to be their friend regardless of how many times they treat me like crap or none too gently rebuff my attempts.

I feel less knowing that I don't have that big-ness of heart.

But at the same time, I feel like I gave it a real go - and they don't want me to try at the moment.

 

Perhaps when they are a little older, and a little more able to distinguish between reality and what their mother is feeding them, then they'll be ready to attempt a relationship with me.

Until then, I don't know. I guess we'll just keep on keeping on. 

 

Feb 20, 2010 at 11:21 o\clock

So Pissed Off...

by: Sassy1

I've decided that I am eternally grateful that I had a little baby girl 8 years ago.

Because if I had a boy, I'm pretty sure I would have killed him.

 

As far as I can see, small boys have no redeeming features.

The piss everywhere but in the toilet, they have no manners, and they smell bad.

The think farts are funny, and they shed rubbish, filthy clothes and broken toys like a dog sheds fur.

Above all, they have absolutely no respect for anyone or anything.

 

Perhaps not all small boys are like this... perhaps its just the ones that I have to share my space with.

 

Not at all assisted today by Jay, who insists that the small plastic mat on small sons bed is adequate - despite it being manifestly INADEQUATE, as demonstrated by him pissing all over the mattress for the last three weekends running. Clearly my suggestion of a full mattress sized plastic protector is an overreaction, when we can just Vax the mattress, and air dry the mattress with the window open and a fan. I'm sure the smell of his piss only bothers me as it wafts through the house - I'm totally over-reacting. 

Feb 16, 2010 at 10:16 o\clock

Happy Days...

by: Sassy1

The job of my dreams is coming up in the next couple of months.... 

If I play my cards right, I could be back in Sassville, in a beautiful great paying job, in two months, three months tops.

 

I love my life so much xoxo 

Feb 9, 2010 at 13:24 o\clock

... now with all the tools at my disposal...

by: Sassy1

I am sitting, joyful, delighted, hopeful, and tired, using for the first time, my wireless internet connection.

Long live whoever invented this magnificent manner of connecting to the interwebs.

 

Things here in Sasstropolis are moving slowly - Jay is still wonderful... Nicky is still beautiful... my new job is still challenging and interesting and not at all what I expected...

Happily I can report that Jay is seeking work in Sassville, which, should he be successful in that task, will take us back to that happy place where I blogged so many blogs, and smiled so many smiles, and befriended so many friends.

By comparison, Sasstropolis has been a isolated, sometimes quite lonely place to be, and I would revel in an opportunity to rejoin the Sassville community.

 

Its where I belong.

 

So I'm saying a little prayer each day, that Jay gets the job. He's perfect for it... the only stumbling block may be that I think the guy who'd be his boss might hate me... but thats only because he was a dick and I called him on it... if he was professional, it wouldn't matter. I'm hoping that Jay having a very different name to mine, and not having bandied about my name throughout the process, will mean that they won't realise the connection until its too late to do anything about it anyway... hahaha

 

Feeling good at the moment - got over my bout of anxiety and depression - still fall in occasionally, but know how to cope better now. Thinking back to my last trip to Canberra, and the anxious fretty soul I was on that trip, and I don't wonder that my dear friends were worried... thats not a healthy way to be, and I'm pretty determined not to go back there again. That said, it isn't something that you can control easily, and I'm having to be pretty careful of my workload, diet, exercise and sleep patterns. Never thought that I'd ever do any of those things!!!!

Looking back through the archives, the best times I had in Sassville were times when I was distinctly NOT looking after my diet, exercise or sleep patterns!!!

 

Everything crossed for a speedy return to Sassville, and the joy I find there, Sass. 

Dec 28, 2009 at 11:35 o\clock

Christmastime in Sasstropolis

by: Sassy1

Well, it would appear that even the advent of a new and beautiful computer isn't aiding me in getting online as often as I would like to blog. 

The main issues is that the computer connection (because we live in the dark ages) is a hardwired number, and the only plug-in point is in the computer room. Add that to the fact that I'm only able to access to write when noone else is using the damn thing, and that Jay's children are fucking wired to it 24/7 when they are here, and I'm not getting much computer time action at the moment.

Plus blogging is one of those solo activities, and the delightful Jay keeps coming in to check on me - makes blogging really really hard.

Christmas went well - Jay took his children to his sisters house about 11am, to spend their Christmas with his family - and Nicky and I had a lovely time here.

The whole family came around, and it was great. Jay came back (sans children) around 3pm, and my sister had brought her guitar, so a singalong was on like donkey kong in the study, meanwhile in the loungeroom my Auntie was lording over all on the Wii.

Nicky was spoilt beyond belief and was having a lovely time ripping paper and playing with her new toys - her fav was the swimming Baby Born doll - totally worth the $65 that Santa had to fork out for it.

 

I'm seriously going to try harder to get back here, but for now its farewell - Jay is hovering, wondering what I'm up to. Its rare to wish that I was back on my little couch in my little house in little Sassville, but when I blog, I so so want that space back!!!

 

I cannot understand why this thing is not posting when I write these things. Its starting to shit me off. 

Oct 31, 2009 at 01:42 o\clock

I'm Baaaccckkkk...

by: Sassy1

Just as soon as I can figure out how to make my new computer cut and paste into this space my friends...]]

 

Ah, Blog. How I have missed you!!! So many thoughts unshared - so much angst just... cried out at night rather than spilled poetically or swearfully across the internet for the voyeuristic pleasure of a very very few...

But here I am. Back. It cost me though. I write from my new and improved and own (not supplied by a generous employer...) sexy little laptop. Anyone who's in the market - AppleMacBook Pro. I'm pretty sure that it can remember my birthday, and order me flowers, it can completely connect with my favourite restaurant and make reservations, and I know if it had just one more plug in attachment Jay would be getting a run for his money!!!!

So the reason for the radio silence was a sudden and complete move and change of circumstance. I got a great new job, moved from Sassville, and took up residence in a lovely big home in nearby Sasstropolis with the delightful Jay.

Its been an interesting couple of months. Six months actually. How fast did that go!!!

 

Living with Jay is a wonder and delight. He's a joy to be around and with, and he's so very house broken. I can't begin to tell you. I have never seen a man volunteer to clean the toilet - and he does it so beautifully!! He removes the whole seat, every time, and scrubs all the bolts and stuff until they are all shiny shiny bright. I would seriously eat off the toilet when Jay is finished with it. (I haven't. Lets just get that straight.)

What has been really difficult though is the kids.

Nicky is great - she and Jay get along beautifully, and when its just the three of us things are wonderful. Meals are good - Nicky eats more with Jay around, which is great,and he can really encourage her to eat different things and try things that she might otherwise refuse to try.

But when Jay's children arrive it gets really hard.

At first it wasn't too bad. We tried really hard. I tried REALLY hard. I went out of my way to make sure that their washing was always done and folded and put on their beds for them, and that I made what they liked for dinner. 

When Jay went off work with an injury, and didn't have as much expendable income, I paid for takeaway, nights out, extra treats.

But they don't like me. And while that doesn't really bother me (although obviously I'm awesome and they should like me), they also have a range of behaviours which are incredibly hard to live with.

I made a really beautiful lasagne the other day, and the comment was "It doesn't taste as good as the bought one." IT TOTALLY TASTED BETTER THAN THE BOUGHT ONE. Grr.

I hit a wall a few weeks ago. I was going to take Nicky to the circus. She really wanted to go,and so I'd promised that I'd take her. Jay and I had a conversation about it,and basically it boiled down to this:

He couldn't afford totake the boys, but he didn't think that it was fair for me to take Nicky and not take the boys.

So in the end, I took everyone to the circus. I bought everyone a gimmicky toy thing, and got the midrange seats, so that we'd have a good view.

All up, it cost me just over $150.

And they didn't even say thankyou.

Worse than that, they complained that they didn't get enough crappy stuff bought for them, and that they would have preferred better seats. (for $20 more per person no less!!)

So I'm not doing that any more. I've had enough of paying for things, and going out of my way, and getting nothing but nasty behaviour back again. If they want to hide my phone, spit on the outside of the shower walls, throw food under the table and hide soiled underwear in the hamper for me, then I'm not going to keep going out of my way to be nice.

Its pretty tense.They've made it really clear that they don't want to live here with us, and the more Jay tries to make them spend the time and engage with Nicky and I, the more they rebel and behave badly.

And if I ever think that we have it bad from them, I only have to look at Jay to know that he has it twenty times worse. The way they treat him is way way way worse than anything that they do to us.

Anyway, I'm sure that they will come around eventually, and there is obviously lots of work to be done on repairing the damage that their mother does in painting Jay to be an evil devil man. Which he isn't. He's a lovely, loving, sweet and thoughtful man, and he'd do anything for those kids.

All in all though, and despite the children, living with Jay is awesome, and I wouldn't change it for a thing. The only thing that I needed to change of course was that I needed to be able to void my mind into the beautiful, non-judgemental space that is this blog, and now that I can do that my needs are being met in a very special way. 

Apart from that, nothing much to report... 

 

Except for maybe that we're looking at buying a house in Sassville (YAYAYAYAYAY) so we're going to do an inspection today.

 

Mar 1, 2009 at 12:58 o\clock

Bitchin in the Loungeroom (cos thats where the computer is...)

by: Sassy1

So today has not been a good day really. Its topped off a pretty shitty week really.

I feel really angry.

Mr. D. has been behaving like a giant fuckwit. I know I should be cool about that by now, but for whatever reason I keep expecting better from him.

Last week, he gave Nicky her birthday present on Friday night (her birthday was on Sunday) and then left her at home with his wife while he went to the pub.

Father of the fucking year, or what. She rang me to tell me what she'd got - she was so excited, and she was so disappointed that he wasn't there. I don't understand what kind of moron can possibly do that to their child and not realise the effect its having on her.

Then, to top it off, he refused to let her bring home her present, and he sent her home on Sunday afternoon with my sister - the one who hates my guts. He couldn't even be bothered to drop her off himself - on her bloody birthday of all days.

He asked Nicky to ask me if she could go out this weekend - I got him to ring me and ask me himself. He was just lovely on the telephone, yes, yes he'd bring her home himself, yes, yes, he'd write the agreement about the weekend in the communication book.

So he picked her up himself, but he got his mothers next door neighbour to drop her off. Couldn't be bothered coming to town and she'd offered. Fucking fucking fuckwit.

To add insult to injury, I was prank called late Friday night by one of the numbers that Mr. D. had used to call my mobile telephone a week earlier. I write down when he uses a strange number, and I don't answer his calls, but then I get this call about 11pm, on a night when Nicky was at his place - anything could have happened. I answered it - stupid me. I hung up on the guy in the end.

Today I rang Mr. D. and asked him AGAIN to please not ring me from strange numbers, and to go to whoever he had borrowed the phone from and tell them not to prank me anymore.

His response? "Don't be such a fuckwit. If you're getting pranks you should stop handing your number out to people you don't know."

After I again explained that it was the SAME number that he had called me from a week earlier, he just said that his mates wouldn't do that. Moron.

 

I really feel like just not sending Nicky out there anymore. He could fight me through the Courts and it would take quite some time to get heard. At least until after the Mediation had happened. Hopefully if he shows up to Mediation I'll be able to get him to see what a tool he's being and how much he's hurting Nicky.

If his wife will let him come that is. They made it clear that she wouldn't be welcome in the Mediation - I don't think he knows that yet. Any bet that she'll go with him to the session.

 

Secondary bitch:

I told off a fat kid who didn't belong to me today.

It felt good.

Fat bastard was throwing rocks - and I mean big rocks - at cars in a carpark behind the pub where Ellvis's band was playing.

I told him off for doing it and told him that if he hit my car with a rock I'd be tanning his arse for them, regardless of who he belonged to.

Parents who let their children get fat and allow them to be ignorant little bastards should be thrown off something high onto something pointy.

Word.

 

What else:

Oh, Ellvis just continues to blow my mind.

Tonight we were chatting away, and we were talking about his Ex of all things. She was spouting off about how she loves being single ra ra ra the other night, and I asked if she was still single. He said he didn't know, but that she was wearing an engagement ring last time he saw her. He said he didn't know if it was his or someone elses, but that it could have just been anything cos she wears rings on all of her fingers, always had worn lots of jewelry.

I commented that I wouldn't wear a ring on that finger, and he says "Except when I give one to you, right?"

Fuck me.

This bloke is killing me.

A bit later on I told him that he really really needs to stop talking like that - talking about the bloody future, like its going to happen.

Because if it doesn't happen then I'll be all disappointed and shit, and as it is I'm quite resigned to the fact that that (that of course being someone wanting to bloody marry me and stay with me and commit to me) will never happen for me. He says never say never, and you should have that happen for you - we're going so well, who's to say what'll happen.

I got him to agree (I think) to not talking about the future future like that anymore. It makes me crazy.

I love him, don't get me wrong. I'd love for that all to happen for us.

But there is so much between now and that happening - so much.

If I let myself build air castles about this I leave myself open to having my whole world crash down again - I can't do that. I can't handle that.

Baby steps. Baby steps I can handle. How long did it take to say that I'd date him!!?? There is no reason to rush. Or to talk about the future like that.

 

I do love him. I want to live with him. If he asked I'd say yes. I'd just rather not think about it yet...

 

Feb 15, 2009 at 11:36 o\clock

Moving on... Moving...In??

by: Sassy1

Late last week my wonderful Ellvis came out to stay... he does that one or two nights a week.

And we were chatting away about some rubbish or other, and he said "Well, when I move out here blah blah blah..."

I pulled him up  - What do you mean when you move out here?

Well, he says, I've been thinking about it. About us. About us moving in together.

Wow.

Didn't really see that coming... Not so soon I mean.

And we had a talk about it - I can see it happening, but it will take quite a bit of planning and organising and thinking through clearly.

I love that about Ellvis. He understands that we can't just go "Lets move in" and do it the next day.

We've both got things we need to get sorted before we move in with each other though. I really want to get on top of my financial situation. This is the year I get debt free. I'm on the way.

Ellvis has to get his situation sorted out with his children and his ex.

We figure that by June or July we should be able to start talking to the kids about it, sitting down with them and figuring out house rules and all that sort of stuff.

I've been doing some research into moving into a blended family situation. Its complicated!!!

I just really want to make sure that we don't do what Mr. D and HER did, which was really poor. They just threw everyone into the mix, and they don't allow time for the biological parent to spend with their biological child/ren. They also didn't allow any time to ensure that the non-biological kids got along with the non-biological parent...

Ellvis spends a fair bit of time with us, so he and Nicky have had a lot of opportunities to spend time together and get to know each other. She just loves him, and he really likes her for her. Thats so important!! He likes her for her own sake, not just because she's mine!

I don't know his boys that well unfortunately - they aren't there that often, and I've been careful not to intrude too much into their time with their dad. I ask their permission to stay the night on their weekends for example. I said to Ellvis that I'd really like to concentrate more on getting to know them better, so that if and when we move in they know me and I know them.

I really want to make sure that Ellvis has time with his boys one on one, and that I have time one on one with Nicky.

So we figure six months to get the kids used to the idea, look for a place and get the house rules sorted.

 

Obviously this is all conjecture and chat at the moment, but gosh golly me, its so lovely to be with someone who brings this stuff up in advance, and says, hey, lets talk about this and figure out what we need to do to make this work in the future.

La la la I'm a happy little vegemite!!

Feb 10, 2009 at 11:04 o\clock

Fire and Wind

by: Sassy1

We're currently experiencing strong winds, and the fire front is just 30km from here.

30km used to seem like a lot, you know. Until those poor peoples lives were wiped out by a fire storm that travelled 25km in 15 minutes.

I doubt that a fire would travel that FAST to get here, but certainly that far. Easily that far. And in this wind, certainly not slow.

Frightened. Worried.

Thinking I should have packed Nicky in the car and taken her to my parents house where it is absolutely safe and out of the zone. She's in bed now.

Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm probably overreacting.

They've been strengthening containment lines all day... but I don't know. This wind.

The wind is scaring the hell out of me.