All The Small Things

So today has not been a good day really. Its topped off a pretty shitty week really.

I feel really angry.

Mr. D. has been behaving like a giant fuckwit. I know I should be cool about that by now, but for whatever reason I keep expecting better from him.

Last week, he gave Nicky her birthday present on Friday night (her birthday was on Sunday) and then left her at home with his wife while he went to the pub.

Father of the fucking year, or what. She rang me to tell me what she'd got - she was so excited, and she was so disappointed that he wasn't there. I don't understand what kind of moron can possibly do that to their child and not realise the effect its having on her.

Then, to top it off, he refused to let her bring home her present, and he sent her home on Sunday afternoon with my sister - the one who hates my guts. He couldn't even be bothered to drop her off himself - on her bloody birthday of all days.

He asked Nicky to ask me if she could go out this weekend - I got him to ring me and ask me himself. He was just lovely on the telephone, yes, yes he'd bring her home himself, yes, yes, he'd write the agreement about the weekend in the communication book.

So he picked her up himself, but he got his mothers next door neighbour to drop her off. Couldn't be bothered coming to town and she'd offered. Fucking fucking fuckwit.

To add insult to injury, I was prank called late Friday night by one of the numbers that Mr. D. had used to call my mobile telephone a week earlier. I write down when he uses a strange number, and I don't answer his calls, but then I get this call about 11pm, on a night when Nicky was at his place - anything could have happened. I answered it - stupid me. I hung up on the guy in the end.

Today I rang Mr. D. and asked him AGAIN to please not ring me from strange numbers, and to go to whoever he had borrowed the phone from and tell them not to prank me anymore.

His response? "Don't be such a fuckwit. If you're getting pranks you should stop handing your number out to people you don't know."

After I again explained that it was the SAME number that he had called me from a week earlier, he just said that his mates wouldn't do that. Moron.

 

I really feel like just not sending Nicky out there anymore. He could fight me through the Courts and it would take quite some time to get heard. At least until after the Mediation had happened. Hopefully if he shows up to Mediation I'll be able to get him to see what a tool he's being and how much he's hurting Nicky.

If his wife will let him come that is. They made it clear that she wouldn't be welcome in the Mediation - I don't think he knows that yet. Any bet that she'll go with him to the session.

 

Secondary bitch:

I told off a fat kid who didn't belong to me today.

It felt good.

Fat bastard was throwing rocks - and I mean big rocks - at cars in a carpark behind the pub where Ellvis's band was playing.

I told him off for doing it and told him that if he hit my car with a rock I'd be tanning his arse for them, regardless of who he belonged to.

Parents who let their children get fat and allow them to be ignorant little bastards should be thrown off something high onto something pointy.

Word.

 

What else:

Oh, Ellvis just continues to blow my mind.

Tonight we were chatting away, and we were talking about his Ex of all things. She was spouting off about how she loves being single ra ra ra the other night, and I asked if she was still single. He said he didn't know, but that she was wearing an engagement ring last time he saw her. He said he didn't know if it was his or someone elses, but that it could have just been anything cos she wears rings on all of her fingers, always had worn lots of jewelry.

I commented that I wouldn't wear a ring on that finger, and he says "Except when I give one to you, right?"

Fuck me.

This bloke is killing me.

A bit later on I told him that he really really needs to stop talking like that - talking about the bloody future, like its going to happen.

Because if it doesn't happen then I'll be all disappointed and shit, and as it is I'm quite resigned to the fact that that (that of course being someone wanting to bloody marry me and stay with me and commit to me) will never happen for me. He says never say never, and you should have that happen for you - we're going so well, who's to say what'll happen.

I got him to agree (I think) to not talking about the future future like that anymore. It makes me crazy.

I love him, don't get me wrong. I'd love for that all to happen for us.

But there is so much between now and that happening - so much.

If I let myself build air castles about this I leave myself open to having my whole world crash down again - I can't do that. I can't handle that.

Baby steps. Baby steps I can handle. How long did it take to say that I'd date him!!?? There is no reason to rush. Or to talk about the future like that.

 

I do love him. I want to live with him. If he asked I'd say yes. I'd just rather not think about it yet...

 

Late last week my wonderful Ellvis came out to stay... he does that one or two nights a week.

And we were chatting away about some rubbish or other, and he said "Well, when I move out here blah blah blah..."

I pulled him up  - What do you mean when you move out here?

Well, he says, I've been thinking about it. About us. About us moving in together.

Wow.

Didn't really see that coming... Not so soon I mean.

And we had a talk about it - I can see it happening, but it will take quite a bit of planning and organising and thinking through clearly.

I love that about Ellvis. He understands that we can't just go "Lets move in" and do it the next day.

We've both got things we need to get sorted before we move in with each other though. I really want to get on top of my financial situation. This is the year I get debt free. I'm on the way.

Ellvis has to get his situation sorted out with his children and his ex.

We figure that by June or July we should be able to start talking to the kids about it, sitting down with them and figuring out house rules and all that sort of stuff.

I've been doing some research into moving into a blended family situation. Its complicated!!!

I just really want to make sure that we don't do what Mr. D and HER did, which was really poor. They just threw everyone into the mix, and they don't allow time for the biological parent to spend with their biological child/ren. They also didn't allow any time to ensure that the non-biological kids got along with the non-biological parent...

Ellvis spends a fair bit of time with us, so he and Nicky have had a lot of opportunities to spend time together and get to know each other. She just loves him, and he really likes her for her. Thats so important!! He likes her for her own sake, not just because she's mine!

I don't know his boys that well unfortunately - they aren't there that often, and I've been careful not to intrude too much into their time with their dad. I ask their permission to stay the night on their weekends for example. I said to Ellvis that I'd really like to concentrate more on getting to know them better, so that if and when we move in they know me and I know them.

I really want to make sure that Ellvis has time with his boys one on one, and that I have time one on one with Nicky.

So we figure six months to get the kids used to the idea, look for a place and get the house rules sorted.

 

Obviously this is all conjecture and chat at the moment, but gosh golly me, its so lovely to be with someone who brings this stuff up in advance, and says, hey, lets talk about this and figure out what we need to do to make this work in the future.

La la la I'm a happy little vegemite!!

We're currently experiencing strong winds, and the fire front is just 30km from here.

30km used to seem like a lot, you know. Until those poor peoples lives were wiped out by a fire storm that travelled 25km in 15 minutes.

I doubt that a fire would travel that FAST to get here, but certainly that far. Easily that far. And in this wind, certainly not slow.

Frightened. Worried.

Thinking I should have packed Nicky in the car and taken her to my parents house where it is absolutely safe and out of the zone. She's in bed now.

Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm probably overreacting.

They've been strengthening containment lines all day... but I don't know. This wind.

The wind is scaring the hell out of me.

So been doing a bit of thinking lately about the nature of exes.

Ellvis's ex is a full fledged, no holds barred, unbelievably bad, makes me want to preface her title with a few f-bombs, BITCH.

Seriously. The woman takes an insane delight in making his life difficult, and has no qualms whatsoever about using the children as weapons. She farms them out to other people so she can get drunk every weekend they are supposed to stay there - what kind of mother does that every weekend??? Fuck, she gets every second weekend to do that, and that isn't enough??? Please.

My ex, by comparison, is like one of those dreams that you wake up from feeling shit, but you can't really put your finger on what the exact problem was. Not a nightmare, per se, just a crap dream. But at the same time, remote and not really connected to your reality and without any power to actually interfere with you or hurt you.

(and keep in mind that this is how I feel Right Now and probably won't last!)

 

Last night Ellvis and I took our children to a concert which goes by teh name of a day on the green... it was great - I understand they are held everywhere, so if you get the chance, go.

We were invited by the SISTER of Ellvises EX.

I harboured serious concerns about this I have to say. I felt that perhaps we were getting used - one sure way to get up his EX's nose would be to befriend us. The sister and the Ex had a falling out at some point not so long ago, and since then she's started talking to Ellvis again... it just seemed a little sus the timing of the whole thing.

And if that was her intention, it would have worked a treat. Because Ellvises EX came in after us, saw us, and seated herself slightly in front of us. Where she would have to walk past us to get to the beer tents for example. Or the merchandise tents. Or any of teh food venues.

I hate being in the same space as her. I don't know her, but it just feels like she just poisons the air around her with bitterness and malcontent.

But her sister turned out to be really lovely, and we had a great time.

I guess the moral to this story is that EX's are generally assholes or bitches in varying degrees depending on how much effort they put into ruining your life... and its great to make new friends as long as you keep to neutral subjects and don't give away too much personal information.

 

In other news, I went along to see a counsellor the other day to deal with my work issues. She told me that I'm moderately depressed, and has put me on some herbal remedy three times a day. She's also got me doing free writing and meditation.

I am yet to find the time to do either of those last things, but I can strongly recommend the herbal remedy - its stopped me crying (only once today and I was reading a sad book, so thats fair enough I think...), and I feel so much more in control. Its like it takes the edges off... not in a bad way, just enough to let you get back on top of your life again.

I fucking hate being told that I have depression though - even if it is "just" moderate.

Naturally, the opinion of the best counsellor in the biggest town near Sassville wasn't good enough for yours truly, so I turned to the interwebs for assistance. I took a depression test on a certified mental health website though, and thats exactly what it said. Your score is 26, 26-30 means Moderate depression.

My friends are asking me "Do you think you are depressed?"

How the fuck do you answer that?

Do I cry all the time for no good reason?

Do I get angry and sad and worried for no apparent reason and can't control it?

Do I feel so bloody trapped and hopeless sometimes that I just want OUT?

Yes, those things.

But I kindof thought that was pretty normal.

Its just that lately, I'm not coping so well with that stuff. I don't know HOW to. And because of that I feel like an utter failure. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter when I can't even get my head around my own shit?

Thats why I wanted to leave my job, not coping with the emotional shit.

Thats why I ended up bawling my eyes out at the counsellors office.

So I guess, YES. Yes I do think I've been depressed. And I will be damned if I'm going to sit on my arse and spiral.

So I'm quitting the stupid committees that I'm on that I'm not enjoying anymore. I'm quitting the course that I didn't really want to do in teh first place, instead I'm going to enroll in something that INTERESTS ME.

Life is not a dress rehersal. Its the real thing.

 

Ellvis has just been a rock through the past month or so, when I've been getting a bit ordinary to say the least. He's so supportive - not trying to fix me, just riding it out with me.

I start back at work tomorrow with a whole new ethos. I am here because I am good at my job, not to cop whatever shit people want to throw at me. My job has limits and boundaries, which are important and will be enforced. I will not feel guilty for not being super bloody woman. She doesn't exist!

For example:

I just received news that I got a grant for $25K for renovations at work. I had applied for $50K.

So instead of feeling like a failure for only getting half... despite the information that no one got funded more than that, and that I was the only one in our town to get funded...

I am going to use my time tomorrow leveraging more funding from our other funding bodies. I will get my $50K because I am bloody good at what I do. I am not a failure.... I just have to get that track to stop running through my head all the time.

I don't know that this makes any sense at all. But my counsellor would be impressed - free writing!!! Yay!!!

And now its one am and I should most definitely without a doubt be in bed and asleep. She's right you know, I do feel better for getting all of that out of my head. Weird. I knew it... but its the un-editedness that is interesting. Usually I'd go back over and make sure that this whole thing made at least a little bit of sense. I'm not bothering tonight... but I fully reserve the right to do so in the future!!!

That nearly all the blogs on my blogroll are now defunct?

All the bloggers I used to read, the ones who got me into this whole caper, have disappeared from view. Moved on to greener pastures perhaps. Got girlfriends maybe. Found God.

Who knows.

What I do know is that it is really hard to find a good blog to read these days though. Mine has gone rather dull since I met Ellvis I know... Its like there isn't anything good to write about now that there isn't any angsty shit going down in my life anymore... Boo for Happiness!

I wonder if you've hit up any interesting blogs, either on purpose or by accident? Googling is almost pointless if you're looking for interesting reading. The ones you find there are famewhores and not interesting at all on the whole. Perez Hilton is a prime example. Famous for Blogging, Shit Blog.

I might have to make a more concentrated effort to locate some interesting ones and update my blogroll. I can't believe I've been at this for so long. Look at my bloody archives!!!!

 

I need to get a life.

 

But I'm not bored of this yet, and sometimes it helps to write stuff down. Plus its interesting to read how crap things have been and how I've got through, or how fabulous things were and how much fun I have had over the past few years...  so rock on my little blog, I like you better than those famewhore blogs  :)

I just finished reading "How to Kill your Husband (and other handy household hints) and I have to say that it was utterly dreadful.

Maybe its just the state of mind I'm in at the moment, but the idea that all men are lying cheating assholes, and that marriage is basically a death sentance for your sex life, romance and intimacy is abhorrent to me.

I know that married couples must get used to each other... but I wonder if there isn't something implicit in becoming married to someone that means that you are going to make an effort NOT to slide into that sort of numbness.

Wedding Vows along the lines of:

I promise to never take you for granted, or ignore you, or let you do all of the housework all of the time...

I promise that I will make the effort to keep our sex life fulfilling and interesting for both of us...

I promise to clean up half the vomit, poo and wee from our pets and children, and all of yours when you are ill...

I promise to not put my penis into other people / allow others to put their penis in me...

I promise to continue noticing you, engaging with you in interesting conversation, and romancing you till the end of our days...

I promise that if I have an issue I will talk to you about it... not put my penis in the babysitter about it.

 

I am shit scared of committment. I have to be quite clear about that. I have spent the last few days in a crappy mood and unable to shake a feeling of dread having realised that I am now in a "Serious Relationship" for the first time since Nicky's Dad left. This is my longest relationship. One year. (After discussion with Ellvis, we are counting the period where I had broken up with him and we were still seeing each other as relationship time... its fair I think.)

And Ellvis says that he isn't going anywhere. With my funny twitchiness over the last few days, he's started calling my his little fruitcake, but he continues to reassure me that he loves me and he isn't going anywhere.

I'm packing bricks at the thought of us hitting the two year mark, which, lets be honest, is a pretty early milestone. Matrimony is way way way off in the incredibly distant future if ever for us.

But should I ever be persuaded to head to the altar and undertake to give my life over to another, I would be giving a committment of the above proportions.

Why is it that authors think that it is ok to write such awful books about marriage?

No wonder there is so little faith left in the institution.

Now I'm not rushing off to get married. I have a fairly strongly held belief that noone will ever want to marry my inherently flawed and committment phobic self. However, deep inside, I want to be married one day, to a husband who loves and respects me and would make those vows and keep them.

Despite this book, I choose to believe that there are men out there who are capable of doing so.

So tomorrow evening, at 5.30pm, I have to take my beautiful Nicky to meet her Dad.

She will be spending the next three weeks with him, including the entire Christmas / New Year period. I'll see her again in the second week of January. Feels like forever away.

I know that I should be focussing on the fact that next year it will be my turn, and that I want her to have a good relationship with her Dad, and that she's happy there and that Christmas is really a time for children, and it isn't fair to drag her between houses at Christmas time.

But there is a very selfish part of me that just wants to keep her here with me and spend Christmas Day with my little girl.

I look after her all year, I'm the one who provides for her, who cares for her when she's sick, who stays up all night with her when she's got nightmares, who takes off work when she needs to stay home, who volunteers at her school and packs her lunch every day and tucks her into bed at night.

I want to do the caring for her on the one day of the year that the whole planet recognises as a day for being with the ones that you love.

 

I'm going to have lunch with my parents on the day - my grandparents on Dad's side will be there, the rest of the family are going away this year. We aren't doing presents, and I have to say that it really doesn't feel like Christmas to me at all this year.

I got Nicky a portable DVD player and some speakers for her iPod - she's opened them already and had a play with them. It didn't seem right to hold onto them until she came home. All the excitement has gone by then. She was really happy with both of them, which was great. She loves to listen to her music, and she's set up the speakers next to her bed. The DVD player she wants to take with her to her Dads house. Its hers, so I'll let her if thats what she wants. I just hope it comes back in a decent condition.

I miss her already. Tomorrow I'm going to take her out for a day of whatever she wants to do. Just the two of us. I'm tired of running all over town to visit everyone else and getting no quality time for ourselves. Tomorrow is our last day together for a while, and we are going to enjoy it!!! 

 

 

I'm looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with some old friends, and with my Ellvis. He is such a strength and delight to me. The other night I was out having dinner with Tink and our big brother, Ellvis, and Nicky, and I accidentally took some medication then drank some wine. I mean, I didn't accidentally take the medication - I did that deliberately - I just didn't clearly think through what I was taking, and the fact that I was drinking a glass of wine at the time. By my second glass of wine I was a cross between off my face and asleep. The medication absolutely wiped me out.

Lovely Ellvis drove me back to his place in my car (I could hardly keep my eyes open, no hope of driving!), then packed a bag and drove us home to our house (45km) and put Nicky and I to bed. I slept the whole way home, getting more and more wiped out by the minute, and when he put me into bed he couldn't wake me up enough to get me out of my clothes. Needless to say, this is rarely an issue that Ellvis faces with me!!!!

He had to get a lift back to town with a workmate the next morning, and then another lift home to his house to get his car. It was so terribly inconvenient for him, and he was planning on getting a good nights sleep - not nursing me and getting up at 4.30am! He's such a wonderful man. I love him... which is weird, because I didn't think that love could grow.

I'm beginning to realise that this whole slow and steady, growing into each other and into love is a much more stable and satisfying way to go...

and although that makes it sound a bit boring and pedestrian, its really anything but that. Its exciting, and intense, and delightful, and joyful and safe and kind and beautiful and solid.

Who would have thought! (Except for you Mrs. Macca - obviously!!)

 

What a disjointed post. Oh well. Tis getting late in the year and I'm not in a great frame of mind at the moment.

 

Wishing anyone reading a very merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years, Sass xoxo

Funny thing happened the other night.

I went to the local oval to watch my man Ellvises children playing cricket. He had made a lovely dinner for us, bought me a fold up chair and the whole deal. He's a honey.

Anyway, we were sitting there watching the children, and his ex wife was there. She was sitting with a bunch of her friends, occasionally sending us a foul look and drinking beer from a bottle.

We just minded our own, but it was hard to ignore the very loud conversation going on beside us...

"Has he introduced you to her yet??"

Mumbled reply, laughter.

Then this, from his ex wife...

"Well, it has to be a legitimate relationship. They've had coffee together!" Laughs her her head off.

 

Now, a few weekends ago, we were in a local coffee shop, getting a coffee before heading out on a well planned hunt through the Saturday morning Garage Sales. In line behind us, two people back, was his ex wife. She didn't acknowledge him, he didn't acknowledge her, and I just pretended I had no idea who she was, because we haven't been introduced yet. Considering that we had to stand about half a meter from her to pick up our coffee it was pretty awkward. Presumably this is where the coffee comment comes from...

 

But, I think its pretty rude to be commenting on the legitimacy of our relationship. She doesn't even know me! Plus, we have been seeing each other for a year now, so to my mind, there is no reason to question the legitimacy of it. Ellvis doesn't presume to question the legitimacy or otherwise of her relationships.

 

I'm not going to let it bother me too much... but I do keep reminding Ellvis that I don't think I'm ready for us to take our relationship to the next level... Coffee AND Cake. LOL

"Cake Ellvis? Cake is a big step."

"I don't think I'm ready for Cake."

"Can I have some time to think about Cake?"

"I wonder what our children would think about us eating Cake together."

"Perhaps we need to discuss what Cake will mean for all of us..."

 

In related news...

Relationship talk makes me hungry :-)

Authorities have recovered a stolen 18-carat gold bookmark that reportedly was given to Adolf Hitler by his longtime mistress, Eva Braun.

Christian Popescu, a Romanian national, was arrested on Tuesday outside a Bellevue Starbucks after trying to sell the bookmark to an undercover agent for $US100,000 ($A152,850), according to papers filed in US District Court.

Federal prosecutors said the bookmark was among several items taken in an auction-house heist in Madrid, Spain, six years ago. At the time, some antiquities experts questioned its authenticity.

The bookmark is engraved with a portrait of Hitler as well as an imperial eagle and swastika, and its inscription indicates that Braun gave it to Hitler to console him after German forces surrendered at Stalingrad.

"My Adolf, don't worry," it reads, adding that the loss was "only an inconvenience that will not break your certainty of victory. My love for you will be eternal, as our Reich will be eternal. Always yours, Eva. 3-2-43".

Regardless of its authenticity, federal agents said its theft broke the law.

"Artifacts of historical significance are not souvenirs for illegal sale to the highest bidder," Leigh Winchell, special agent in charge of Immigration and Customs Enforcement's office of investigations in Seattle, said in a statement.

Popescu made an initial appearance in federal court on Wednesday, where he was represented by a public defender who left without speaking to reporters.

The operation began when ICE learned a man was trying to sell the bookmark in the Seattle area. An informant contacted Popescu, who confirmed he had the bookmark and provided pictures. Popescu told the informant he wanted $US150,000 ($A229,270) for it.

Spanish authorities estimated the bookmark was valued at between $US13,000 ($A19,870) and $US17,000 ($A25,980), according to court documents.

Investigators set up a meeting with Popescu at a Starbucks coffee shop in Bellevue, where the Romanian man showed an undercover agent the bookmark, charging papers said. He was arrested in the parking lot as the agent paid him $US100,000. ($A152,850).

Popescu is being held on one count of sale or receipt of stolen goods. A detention hearing was set for Monday.

US Attorney Jeff Sullivan said agents are still investigating how the bookmark arrived in Seattle. Five people were detained in Tuesday's operation, but only Popescu was arrested and charged, he said.

In 2002, three thieves walked into the Duran Subastas auction house in Madrid during work hours and stole the bookmark along with several pieces of jewellery from a glass showcase.

 

 

Isn't it weird when a story just makes you scratch your head like that? The guy stole an artifact from an auction house, then got arrested and told that you can't just sell the artifact to the highest bidder... but isn't that what Auction Houses DO???

Only in America.

So I've been emailing back and forth with a very nice girl on here who contacted me when I left and then came back... and I haven't written back to you in forever because I am clearly the worlds most shit penfriend, and now my email has corrupted and I have lost your email address!!

 

Can you pretty please please email me again - I'm also wondering if you are on facebook? If so, you can totally use my email to search and add me, I'm a way better facebook friend than I am penpal. I promise!!

 

 

(I totally realise that this is of no interest to anyone else, but its important to me and its my blog so ner ner ner eat my shorts etc.!)