All The Small Things

I've decided to move to another blog host - I've had quite enough of Blogigo's issues, and I really felt that it was time for a change.

That, and I want to make my new blog more public, and there was WAY to much incriminating evidence in this one!!!

So if you'd like to join my at the new place, please drop me a line and I'll send you the address.

I'm deliberately not linking the two blogs, which I know is inconvenient for anyone who likes hot links (like lazy old me), but doing it this way will stop me getting completely spam-botted and hopefully stop any techno geniusses backtracking me from my new place and finding posts about themselves here that they shouldn't get to read!

Email me at x underscore smilie at yahoo dot com

 

I've really enjoyed some of my posting here, and the people that I've met, so I do hope that you'll get in touch.

 

Love, for the last time, 

 

Sass

God, such a long time since I last wrote, so much has happened.

Not least of course my computer blowing up and being unable to access the web from home for practically ever.

But that problem is now solved, and I am back online.

Things here are up and down, as always.

I am still not seeing BB - although I have to say that as far as my feelings for him are concerned, they haven't really changed at all. I still love him, and I dream about him all the time, which is nice (because I get to see him in my dreams, and he's generally quite lovely to me) and yet, its not nice at all, because when I wake up he is still not in my life. Which sucks.

I am now the el-presidente of my little girls Parents and Friends group, which has been fun.

Work is still awesome - I'm loving my job and the people I get to work with are just amazing.

I also have the best friends on the entire planet, without a doubt, bar none.

 

Mr. D. is an issue. His wife has recently displayed some very dangerous and scary behaviour, which prompted me to go to the police for protection. Thats currently being dealt with in court, which is just horrible.

Mr. D. is just painful. He got me to pay for some goods for him recently, and now is refusing to give me back the money that I paid out. I don't know why I continue to trust him really. Silly me.

He's also still not paid any of the child support money that he's supposed to have. Which I'm beginning to think is quite funny... he must not know that if he just refuses to pay, the Agency takes it out of your tax return at the end of the financial year. Bet he won't be very happy when that happens!!

So thats it for me for the moment, and I'm going to go trawl the blogs that I loved to visit when my old computer was still with me. RIP old lappy, you served me well.

The end of the year.

The end of BB and I.

 

So it turns out that I was right - they didn't know anything about me. Who knows, maybe it just never came up. Not once, in the entire time that we were friends did it come up.

I went around to see him on New Years Eve (during the day) to see if he was coming along to the party that he'd been invited to - the one that I go to every year.

No, he wasn't coming to the party, and he no longer wants me in his life.

So I guess there really isn't much more that you can say about that. He doesn't want me in his life anymore, and he didn't care enough when I WAS in his life to tell his family about me. Thats pretty clear really.

So I have deleted his phone numbers from my mobile, I have deleted all the photographs that I had of us, I have distroyed the photo print that I had, and I have embarked on a new path of not thinking about him, not contacting him, and regaining my dignity.

I guess if there is anything to say, its a positive thing that it happened on the last day of last year. It means that I get to start the new year on a new note, and turn that metaphorical fresh leaf.

 

And so, I went to my New Years Eve party, and it was the best one ever. No new years kiss for me, but there was much laughter, good friends, and two days of sunning ourselves, swimming, eating exotic delights, and camping under cloudless skies. Bliss.

I also got to go milk some moo-cows, which I haven't done in quite a while, and that was a highlight.

In other news:

* I'm going to the Cricket in Feb to watch a 20-20 match. (How bizarre!)

* I went out with a mate to watch him work during the week - cattle stuff. It was really interesting, and I'm hoping that he'll take me out again and let me get dirty with him!

* I went to my school reunion and actually didn't mind it. Thanks to all those who nagged me into it!

 

Thats all. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

Blogigo, don't fail me now...

Of a man who hasn't told his parents about you...

Even though you've been seeing each other on and off for the past eight months or so, and he speaks to them every single week?

 

(Please note that this is a conclusion that I have drawn on my own, based very loosely on circumstatial evidence, and does not necessarily reflect reality. I'm going to get to the bottom of this mystery though, just you wait and see!)

 

 

And yes. Sadly this means that I have lapsed, large.

But (warning, pathetic excuse following) I love him.

Because it eats my entries.

ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

 

Because sometimes it just wont let me log in.

LIKE WHEN I REALLY WANT TO BLOG.

 

Because it takes forever to load up on my computer.

BECAUSE ITS A CRAPPY SYSTEM.

 

And because half the menu options are in another language.

THAT I DONT SPEAK.

 

 Blogigo, I hate you. If I wasn't such a lazy bint, I'd move. I would. I might. Maybe. New Year, New Blog? What say you?

 

In other news:

So sorry that you don't get to read the huge and entertaining blog post I just wrote, because Blogigo just ate it, and its midnight, and I'm tired, and I've already SAID everything that I wanted to say, so I don't really feel like retyping it!

Here is a short synopsis of my last eaten post:

I have to write a Christmas card to BB, and I'm struggling. Here are some witty and clever examples of cards I might send: Oh no, frigging blogigo ate them.

I got a new job. Here are some potential disasters that may befall me on my first shift: Oh no! Blogigo frigging ATE THEM.

I have a newly discovered and happiness enducing attachment to period drama. I have seen both Becoming Jane and Copying Beethoven this week, and they were both interesting, engaging and made me feel like me. Which is a nice way to feel. AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME BLOGIGO! HA!

 (Looks like Blogigo and I are both happy about that one)

Here endeth the rant.

Goodnight, farewell, and a sweet Mr. Darcy-esque moment to you all, accompanied by the Grosse Fugue... just because it makes for an interesting juxtaposition.

And I am probably the only one who gets that, and the nerdy little sprite that is my spirit is doing a dance of happiness, so all is well Except at Blogigo, where suckiness still reigns supreme.

 

 

And I'm not.

 

Are you proud of me?

So I'm still working on the whole getting over BB thing.

I love him.

I want to be with him.

And what has been happening lately has been destructive to both of us.

My self esteem has reached new levels of lowness (now there's a study in grammar for you), and I have just lost that happy vibe that I was so enjoying not that long ago.

So I'm going to try to get that back.

And I'm going to try really hard not to call him anymore.

I've been practicing my guitar, and I'm getting better. My fingers hurt like buggery though.

That's been helping.

And I'm going to start texting my friends whenever I feel like texting him.

That should work out ok I think, especially in this lead up to the silly season.

And I think maybe I will just keep a low profile pub wise for a while.

As much fun as I had last weekend, I really wonder if it isn't just a way of avoiding spending some time dealing with the loss that has happened in my life lately.

Which is exactly what I want other people in my life to stop doing.

So I think maybe I'll hang at home. Feather my nest a little. Enjoy the time that I have with Nicky. Practice my guitar. Finish renovating that new wardrobe that I got. Clean out my garage. Keep my garden alive.

And hopefully, I'll get back to a point where I'm happy in myself again, and I will forget about BB.

 

I don't know that I'll stop feeling for him though. I love him.

 

Its not that I feel less complete without him, I'm a complete person on my own.

Its more that when I'm with him, I feel like a better version of me.

Its hard going back to being an analogue signal after seeing oneself in HD.

 

And that is quite enough of that.

Back to practicing my G and D.

D and G.

G and D.

D and G.

"I bought my first real six string, bought it at the Sassville Hall, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of 2007"

I'm so muscial etc.

Last night I went to the pub to watch the election and gloat as Kevvy O'Sevvy won and drink a bit and eat a lot.

Turns out that I am the only Rudd lover in Sassville.

 

So I changed to plan B and ate a bit and drank a lot.

Today I am hungover, and still gloating that "My Team Won"!!

 

Here is a question for you:

How much thought did you put into your vote?

Yesterday, I somehow found myself in a bidding war for a guitar.

At a charity auction.

Which was a bit unexpected.

Also unexpected was the way that despite saying to the friend sitting to my left that I would bid if I could get it for $100, I actually didn't START bidding until it was over $280.

When it got to $400, I thought to myself, STOP.

YOU DON'T EVEN PLAY!!!

And yet my arm, seemingly of its own volition, kept shooting into the air.

 

Damn Arm.

 

You are now looking at the proud owner of a guitar.

Which I can't play.

 

Yet.

 

I'm thinking that if I give up all the men in my life, then I'll have plenty of time to learn though, and at least at the end of it, I'll have something to show for my time and effort!

Mood: Angry, Pissed Off, and Crushed

I am so fucking done with this town.

The men in this town.

Being treated like shit.

Feeling like shit.

I'm sick of the drinking.

I'm sick of the excuses.

I'm sick of being treated like so much less than I am.

I'm tired of being at the bottom of the list.

I'm over being pushed around.

I'm sick of the OK-ness of that with everyone else in this town.

I want more than this.

I deserve more than this.

Tomorrow I am going to get some comprehensive car insurance.

So that next time someone pisses me off so much that I want to ram their fucking car, or drive into their house, or something equally deliciously vengeful, I can.

"Ooops. Gear slipped."

Take that you fucking piece of shit asshole.

*reverses*

And that.

And that and that and that and that and that and that and that.

 

And maybe when I have trashed their car and their house and in the process wreaked my own, maybe then I will have something else to think about other than the fact that they don't love me at all.

Even if they say that they do.

They don't have the capacity to love anyone.

Not themselves, and sure as shit not me.

And maybe I'll be lucky enough that I'll do myself an injury, and then it wont hurt so fucking much on the inside anymore.

And maybe I'll feel better.

And my heart will stop aching.

And my tears will stop falling.

And my life will stop revolving around someone who couldn't care less.

Maybe.

And maybe I won't be so ANGRY and hurt and lonely and empty and sad and in love and broken.

I hate you, you fucking asshole.

But I love you more.

And I fucking hate that I do.