http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed Welcome To My Masquerade.... en UnNoticed UnNoticed Fri, 27 Oct 2006 01:57:00 +0200 daily 1 all my old blogs. and i realise how much of a depressive little cunt i used to be.  im totally different now. my life has turned around completely. i have new friends, i have been with other guys. all my past is just memories that i dont even care about. my life now is at its peak. 5 weeks ago i met this guy called Andi. he is a bit of a chavvy boy. and all my matescan tell im well into him o, for the past 5 weeks we have known eachother we have been together like everyday.  i used to care so much about how i looked around him. but now after like all the times he has seen me, gushing, trippin out, hungover, drunk, no makeup blah, i dont really care. like i do care but i wont get upset about it. he always says to me 'so what are we doing tomorrow?' because he knowns we will be doing something together, because we always are. its weird, he doesnt really treat me like him likes me that much, apart from always texting me, and always... Fri, 27 Oct 2006 01:57:00 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/i-just-read/14/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/i-just-read/14/ last day of term, no more school for 6 weeks i should be happy right?...Wrong.. Im misrable. I feel like uber shit.. I just dont know why i mean no more gettin bullied for 6 weeks, no stress of school work and shit, i get to spend 6 weeks with the best boyfriend in the world? i should be happy.. but im just.. Not. :/ I think im worried.. worried about me and mart, worried bout how fast we are goin worried about him seeing my body, i mean i cant even look at it without crying, if he sees me he is just goin to run a mile! then ring me.. dump me and throw up :/ Today i feel like i need to cut.. i feel like my life is spinning out of control, my mind is spinning out of control, im loseing sight of whts real and whts just a nightmare... and i NEED to take control! I need to be able to think straight i need to be able to feel something real even just for the few seconds the razors is slowly ripping through my flesh and my problems and bleeding away.. I dont think i can take this for much... Sat, 23 Jul 2005 03:16:43 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Resisting/13/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Resisting/13/ Today Martin asked me if i was still cutting... he saw my arms on the weekend, and i hate lying to him, i hate lying to my family and friends, trying to say i have stopped.. i havnt, i cant, i just cant, im finding it so hard, espeshially when i know there are blades all over my room. I really want to stop, its so hot i cant wear long sleeves n jackets forever but when i get so hot i have to take em off, then people like see em so obviously and i cant hide them much longer :/ But enough bout that or ima cry again :/ God things with me and Mart are going faster than i thought, i mean what did i expect if i was sleeping over his, like i just dont wana go too fast so things fuck up:( I want to make sure he really means he loves me, or he just thinks he does.. i mean things went further than i expected anyway, i mean he fucking went down on me... among other things! And i knew where things where going so i just said i was too tired :/ Coz i dont want to have sex and find that i was just some easy... Mon, 18 Jul 2005 21:12:07 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/I-Knew-It-Was-Coming/12/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/I-Knew-It-Was-Coming/12/ Finished last entry so i thought i would cheack out my mates Blogs, Read my mate Sophies, We had a Huge arguement a few days ago, i was really fucking nasty and im surprised she is talking to me again... Im such a fucking LOSER, How could i do that to someone i love her, shes one of the reasons im still here... I couldnt bare to lose her, when i thought id lost her, i felt like id lost everything id ever wanted and needed, shes like the one i turn to when i need to talk! Shes like my BEST and i meanBEST mate ever, im closer to her than i am to myself! Gah Im just glad we are friends again! Id die if i lost her x[ When i thought i had lost her i went and layed on my bed, and the tears just flowed out, i couldnt stop them, i cryed and cryed for ages, i n=knew i had fucked things up, i knew she hated me, and i knew she had every right to hate me! and i cut... Just one, and thought Sophie this is for you, this is for all the times we have had, everytime yoo have cheered me up, made me laught, all... Tue, 12 Jul 2005 00:07:24 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Im-Such-A-Fuck-Up-Graphic/11/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Im-Such-A-Fuck-Up-Graphic/11/ Well, hasn’t today been just peachy… Not… :/   Just like every other school day its been shit, I hate going to school, I deliberately make myself late now, so I don’t have to wait around by myself in the morning, while all my “fake mates” go have a fag down the ally, they wave at me when I walk past the ally, but I know as soon as I’m round the corner they are talking about me… They are all two-faced, all my so-called “friends” have been, They pretend to like you maybe even invite you out in town once ina while, but you know really the whole time they have been talking about yoo behind your back…   At the moment, My whole life feels like its just one big chore, I hate it, I hate the majority of people in it, and most of all I FUCKING HATE ME! After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror again, I even wrote another list of what I didn’t like, but I really was trying to think but all I could write was “I hate everything” And in a... Mon, 11 Jul 2005 23:38:48 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/In-Painful-Love/10/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/In-Painful-Love/10/ I knew it, happens every fucking time. Phil came online.. was first time id spoken to him in two weeks since i dumped him in a rather nasty mannor and i tryed to say sorry, knowin it wouldnt help just had to tell him n the most i got was.. Sick Of Being Treated Like Shit! says: There's a reason for everything! An anyways, if you wanted to be friend's you would've said last time, so bye bye, im finally getting on with my life so just leave me be! Then he went offline..  I fuck everything up it is soo so.. i dno wht it is but it hurts like hell :/ Dan and i (my ex) are talking about us n why we broke up.. after him telling me he still liked me and i feel so shit coz i like him still but have feeling for his mate who likes me too and well.. i trust his mate more thn him now. I really dno wht im going to do this is all so fucked up i cant take it... Im snappin an elastic band around my wrist n have been all day coz i felt so shit n its ment to stop me from cuttin but its not... Fri, 24 Jun 2005 22:25:31 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/I-Knew-It/9/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/I-Knew-It/9/ I had p.s.e today and guess wht we where doing for the next few weeks...? Yup. Self-Harm, Depression, Mental illness... I felt so embarrassed as soon as sir said it the people who knew which was alot of them saying someone found out n said something... they all turned and looked at me.. i just slunk down in my chair and fighted the tears. I couldnt belive this, as sir started talking about it it made me worse, i couldnt take it, i started scratching at me own flesh, i had to do it slowly so no one would notice, which meant i just scratched deeper and harder, pressing hard on my flesh, alomost ripping open cut and scars, i felt so ashamed, i could feel tears welling in my etes, the lump in my throat, my cheeks quickly turning to red as sir said to the class "So does anyone know anone who self harms or do themselfs..?" And then loads of peoples hands shot up and they all stared at me... which resulted in me slinking lowed down in my chair so i was almost under the table. People then told sir about who... Wed, 22 Jun 2005 23:26:29 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/This-Just-Isnt-Fair/8/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/This-Just-Isnt-Fair/8/ Once again im feeling so shit, i cant think straight, i keep looking at all my pills...thinking of all the possibilitys.. I dont know whats wrong with me, Just once again iv had a shit day... every day is shit n they arnt going to get much better....Ever. I wish i could change who i am, i wish i was different, i wish i was pretty, i wish i was a nicer person, i wish i had ways of controlling my anger and pain like other people, i wish i... I wish.. I wish i was Dead. No really i do, and obviously theres something inside me that wants to keep me hear, maybe just the fear of death.. or maybe im scared that i may miss the light at the end of the tunnel.. I dont want to feel this way.. all day long i sit and think of what im doing wrong, why people hate me, Why I.. Hate me... My low self-esteem has slowly now turned into self-hatred. I cant stand the girl staring back at me in the mirror, shes a fake... with a fake smile, a fake laugh and a fake life. I just want to kill her, slit her throat,... Tue, 21 Jun 2005 18:08:19 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Why-Me/7/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Why-Me/7/ Symptoms of depression... You feel miserable and sad.   Yup...Almost all of the time. I have the rare happy mood but thats only when im hyper on summin like powerade.. :/   You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy . Yep. It usually effects me doing school work coz i just dont have the energy to do any of it.   You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible. Some of the time.. Or i just ignore what people ask me to do coz im just not in the mood to move and feel like theres no point.   You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess. I rarly eat anymore.. i feel like looking at myself is to hard to bare so i just dont wana eat.. i also can find any energy to get up n get food. And i also used to do lots of sports clubs and used to be good and now i have just dropped all of them.. i just dont feel the plesure from em anymore. You feel very... Sun, 12 Jun 2005 18:07:09 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Cue-The-Violins/6/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Cue-The-Violins/6/ Once again i had almost a mental breakdown in the shower... Just seeing my body and how ugly n podgy i am just makes me breakdown i realised i was lieing to myself telling myself i was pretty, convincing myself i was average weight, i felt dirty, unclean, like id betraded myself for lieng so much to myself like that, i just began scratching at my body, riping open my scars and cuts then burst in tears and sat down in shower as i watched the blood just trickle out of my wrists, in a way it was comforting, then i washed out the blood and got out the shower. I know it sounds like ima total freak, i am, sometimes i think im going absolutly mental, like i have lost my mind forever and its not coming back. I dont want my mind back, it frightens me... because i want to get everything out of my mind, not lose it and then dread when i find it n have to see all that iv been through, feel how i felt when i knew i had nothing left.. i cant bare it at the moment let alone in future after i hopefully have gotten... Thu, 09 Jun 2005 20:33:06 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/When-It-Cuts-It-Cuts-It-Cuts-Hard/5/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/When-It-Cuts-It-Cuts-It-Cuts-Hard/5/ Was expecting the gavas (Police) to come see me today.. but they didnt thank gawd... i was classed as a missing person so they wanted to see me.. I told my mum again i wasnt going back to chaucer.. she and alot of people who know about me gettng bullied back me totally and have recomended me trying to get in on scolarship in private school.. its such a nice school it is no uniform, arty, has a theater for plays and things, so i wouldnt mind trying to get in there.. Well im in a better mood today, iv had my anti-depressants so i shud be okay for a while longer:) Sorry for short entry... not much to say really.... x Tue, 07 Jun 2005 18:40:00 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Where-Are-The-Gava-s-Then/4/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Where-Are-The-Gava-s-Then/4/ Bunked off school again today... I couldnt bare it, as soon as i walked in i just got insulted and called names n shuved and stuff... So i just walked out again.. I wandered around all day and my mum found out from the school i was bunking, i told her i wasnt going back.. she made me thats what she gets i guess... I went to Mels mum coz i saw her n i knew she hadnt gone home that night n i was kinda worried.. she then rung me mum n dad.. they all think im lieing and are like oh yes well Hannah i know yoo have still been cutting yourself.. well duh! -claps sarcasticly- it took yoo that long to work it out, i mean knifes and bloody flannels dotted around where a hint.. god and i still get called a lier.. If they think im going to sit in class with no mates and stay in school for 6hrs just so i cant get taken the piss out of.. then they can fuck off for all i care. I dont give a shit if they think im lieing or not. Coz i know the truth.. and as for my mum.. she tells 1 more person i cut myself..... Mon, 06 Jun 2005 22:32:37 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Yoo-Only-Just-Realised/3/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Yoo-Only-Just-Realised/3/ Why does nobody actually care, im not saying id actually let someone ry help me, but the more im ignored, the harder it is for me to keep on this painted smile... People make out they are so depressed, and mabe they are but at the moment i dont really care what their reasons are, i slept over my mate most of this week, and i was so depressed i actually had to cut myself at her house, i knew if i didnt i would have ended up walking to the bridge and jumping off, and i realise that sounds drastic and kinda immature, but its how i felt. Since people found out i cut myself, like my mum and the doctor, if had to try and act extra happy so they dont suspect anything, because i hate having to go to a counciller, and the doctor, and when i have to collect my anti-depressants, i feel like such an idiot, people look at yoo different when they know yoo are depressed, they treat yoo different, the only reason they do is so they dont get the blame for suicide, not because they care or are worried. What really... Mon, 06 Jun 2005 00:15:56 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Contemplating-Suicide/2/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Contemplating-Suicide/2/ Hey. First entry so here goes... Well im one of those people wo arnt really sure where im going in life, i often think that i wont be going anywere, ahnd that hopefully my life will just end. Because i really do want it to, and i know that sounds stupid, but to be honest i'm not to concerned if i get ina car crash and die a tradgic death, or if i commit suicde, nothing really matters to me anymore, my friends do obviously, hey are the only reason im here i spose, and they my family but i cant stand them. My friends mean everything to me, i have very few, because i lost them all, when people found out i suffered with depression and that i cut myself, to penalise and judge me when they think they know me from one bit of info from someone who i thought i trusted, i was singled out and bullied... people bullied me so much that i would run into the toilets an lunch n break n cry, and i even tryed to hang myself with my tie, but im embarrassed to say, i couldnt tie it into a noose. Soon after i lost... Sun, 29 May 2005 23:35:34 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Time-Goes-By/1/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/UnNoticed/Time-Goes-By/1/