Yoo Only Just Realised?!
Mood: One Again..Suicidal...
Listening to: Senses Fail - Bite To Break Skin
Bunked off school again today... I couldnt bare it, as soon as i walked in i just got insulted and called names n shuved and stuff... So i just walked out again..
I wandered around all day and my mum found out from the school i was bunking, i told her i wasnt going back.. she made me thats what she gets i guess...
I went to Mels mum coz i saw her n i knew she hadnt gone home that night n i was kinda worried.. she then rung me mum n dad.. they all think im lieing and are like oh yes well Hannah i know yoo have still been cutting yourself.. well duh! -claps sarcasticly- it took yoo that long to work it out, i mean knifes and bloody flannels dotted around where a hint.. god and i still get called a lier..
If they think im going to sit in class with no mates and stay in school for 6hrs just so i cant get taken the piss out of.. then they can fuck off for all i care. I dont give a shit if they think im lieing or not. Coz i know the truth.. and as for my mum.. she tells 1 more person i cut myself.. Bamm! I swear i will crack her 1 right in the face... she tells people when its none of their buiseness!
I dont feel right at chaucer( my school ) i mean people are so fake, all of them.. even teachers they act like care but really they cudnt give to fucks, they find it fun giving lectures, so the sooner then days over they can fuck off home, and dont give a shit after that..
I still cant belive my mum found out about me cutting myself again, i mean for fuck sake, shes not going to be able to stop me is she?!
Today when i was wandering round.. i was thinking about suicide.. its all that was in my head i just couldnt remove it from my brain, its like it was printed on my brain i just wouldnt go.. all i could see was me jumping infront of a train or a car, or jumpin off 5th floor of the BT building, i just wanted to cry all the time, i couldnt bare it i just burst in tears, i was just wandering around town for 9hrs on end with bleeding mascara and a clenched fist. I was so close.. i was even standing on the ledge of BT building roof.. im lucky it wasnt windy, or id be dead now... im not sure why im not to be honest, the things i have had to put up with.. most people would have topped themsels now, n im not a strong person my feelings control me... so frankly im not sure why im still here or how!
I get called so many names.. kids can be so cruel.. un-natrually cruel actually...i mean kids enjoy watching yoo fighting off the tears, trying to swallow that lump in the back of your throat, biting your lip, wanting to cry.. its like bliss for them.
Yoo know if yoo et called something enuff times such as oh i dont know slag.. and it was just so repetative and cruel yoo start to belive them... belive yoo are a slag, and then yoo wake up one morning and like its become your name so i mean instead of Hannah id be know as slag.. and yoo just have to do something so big to get yor name back... so everyone will know who yoo really are..
x
