Why Me..?
Mood: Diizy and Scared...
Listening to: Blink 182 - Im Lost Without You..
Once again im feeling so shit, i cant think straight, i keep looking at all my pills...thinking of all the possibilitys..
I dont know whats wrong with me, Just once again iv had a shit day... every day is shit n they arnt going to get much better....Ever. I wish i could change who i am, i wish i was different, i wish i was pretty, i wish i was a nicer person, i wish i had ways of controlling my anger and pain like other people, i wish i... I wish.. I wish i was Dead. No really i do, and obviously theres something inside me that wants to keep me hear, maybe just the fear of death.. or maybe im scared that i may miss the light at the end of the tunnel..
I dont want to feel this way.. all day long i sit and think of what im doing wrong, why people hate me, Why I.. Hate me...
My low self-esteem has slowly now turned into self-hatred. I cant stand the girl staring back at me in the mirror, shes a fake... with a fake smile, a fake laugh and a fake life. I just want to kill her, slit her throat, slit it from ear to ear, and then watch the lies spew out. i hate her.. for lieing to everyone.. but most of all for lieing to herself... making herself belive she was a happy girl.. making others belive it.. How she could lie to so many people and get away with it. Shes got away with it for so many years and yet hasnt slipped up... Whts going wrong in her life...
But Me.. the girl behind all those lies, the young woman behind all those lies... I cant stand being so fake.. i wish i could just be me... and be accepted.. but if i was the real me.. i really dont think id be hear.. thats wht helps me get trough each day.. pretending im "normal", pretening im Happy...Maybe thats why im here..
But the hardest thing about dying is... Knowin that im missing out on so much.. knowing im missin watching the sunset on the beach with the perfect guy, knowing im missing out on everything that i want to do... but also.. the feeling that iv been weakened, knowing people have broken down enough to crush me, and force me to end my life just to end this endless pain.
I looked and analized myself again in the mirror again today..i made a list of everything i hated and wanted to change... sadly almost everything about me was on the list but that doesnt matter... If this world is obsessed with beauty and that yoo have to be beautiful these days.. have to be flawless.. then i will do my best to be.. no matter wht it takes.. im fed up of people telling me whts bad about me than good.. so im going to change that.. and the first thing to do is get the body people like.. iv been anorexic before.. im not going to go to the extreme of anorexia yet.. first i will stick with bulimia..i have also been bulimic before so i know some good tricks.. and no matter how much more pain it takes to end this pain of being ashamed of myself.. im going to change..
Id like to thank beauty magazines and all those nice people who have made me feel like shit!.. See what yoo have done now...
Yesterday... Mart (The guy i kinda.. fancy..) Told me something that made me cry.. but he was being nice.. yet i burst into tears...
Can you guess what he said to me..?
He told me.. That.. I..I was Perfect. And That he..Cared about me soo much.... And no matter how much thats wht i craved from someone.. It hurt me...It made me feel so insecure.. it made me feel like the guy i.."Loved" had lied to me... and i know he was being kind.. he was cheering me up.. but i just couldnt bare it.. I didnt belive what he said.. i knew he wouldnt lie to me.. but i just couldnt bring myself to belive it..
Well i need to talk to Mart bout my ex... his bro (also my ex) met him today n im like iieee...
xxx
