When It Cuts, It Cuts, It Cuts Hard...
Mood: Better Than A Min Ago...
Listening to: Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
Once again i had almost a mental breakdown in the shower...
Just seeing my body and how ugly n podgy i am just makes me breakdown i realised i was lieing to myself telling myself i was pretty, convincing myself i was average weight, i felt dirty, unclean, like id betraded myself for lieng so much to myself like that, i just began scratching at my body, riping open my scars and cuts then burst in tears and sat down in shower as i watched the blood just trickle out of my wrists, in a way it was comforting, then i washed out the blood and got out the shower.
I know it sounds like ima total freak, i am, sometimes i think im going absolutly mental, like i have lost my mind forever and its not coming back. I dont want my mind back, it frightens me... because i want to get everything out of my mind, not lose it and then dread when i find it n have to see all that iv been through, feel how i felt when i knew i had nothing left.. i cant bare it at the moment let alone in future after i hopefully have gotten over it, if i ever do, that is if i am able to stand this two minutes longer!
If stopped taking my anti-depressents, i stoped last week.. they wernt working so i threw them away, it cant be good for me taking 3 pills again that dont actually work! Yoo may be wondering why 3... one is an anti-depressent, one is one to help my concentration keep me awake and the other is to stop me having dizzy vision and weird hulisinations, the docter saw me once n decided i was some fucking nutter!
I have to admit i just cut myself again, hense the title, i felt so depressed, i know im usually depressed and i only have like a good mood for around 10-20mins a week, and i know i soundnt cut myself whenever im depressed, but if i didnt do that i wouldnt be here now, and i know thats what some people want, including me but thats not going to change, so if you would prefere me to not be here, at least keep it to yourself...
People know i have no self-esteem now, yet they still try to crush me, make sure it never comes back, and i think its worked, so why cant they leave me alone and move onto someone else, i cant take this much longer... its been 3 months now and most of last year n im not sure i can go on with this happening 6hrs a day!
I can feel the blood soaking into my hoodie now, its getting wetter and wetter, i cant take it off n look, not even pull up the sleeves, im scared of what im going to do, i have hit an artery once again... and i have bandaged it up, and im waiting for it to cause a blood clot, but its just bleeding, it never usually takes this long... Thanx to Dray, id be shitting myself now, but hes luverlay he always helps me
Im in a slightly better mood at the mo, prolly coz i know my problems are bleeding out as i speak, my heart isent pounding agaist my rib cage so it feels like its going to break my ribs for once, i am getting kinda dizzy though.. so im going to lie down :)
Byeee x
