Why Do I Feel Invisible...?

Mood: In Pain...
Listening to: Atreyu - You Eclipsed By Me.

I had p.s.e today and guess wht we where doing for the next few weeks...?

Yup. Self-Harm, Depression, Mental illness... I felt so embarrassed as soon as sir said it the people who knew which was alot of them saying someone found out n said something... they all turned and looked at me.. i just slunk down in my chair and fighted the tears. I couldnt belive this, as sir started talking about it it made me worse, i couldnt take it, i started scratching at me own flesh, i had to do it slowly so no one would notice, which meant i just scratched deeper and harder, pressing hard on my flesh, alomost ripping open cut and scars, i felt so ashamed, i could feel tears welling in my etes, the lump in my throat, my cheeks quickly turning to red as sir said to the class "So does anyone know anone who self harms or do themselfs..?" And then loads of peoples hands shot up and they all stared at me... which resulted in me slinking lowed down in my chair so i was almost under the table.

People then told sir about who the knew (obviously not naming names) as they told their storys they where all, very like mine some where different but the people i knew that knew defo where describing me.. i could tell..at least i was paranoid enough to think they where talking about me..

Did i forget to mention the guy i fell madly in love with.. i dumped.. Yup i dumped Phil. I told him it was over and we havnt spoken since, i feel so terrible though, because i told him i would always love him..even if we wernt going out, and thats still true, he was my first proper Love and i cant forget him no matter how hard i try..

I feel so shit right now, i was reading up on tips on tricks to try if yoo feel like self harming, such as putting an elastic band on my wrist and snappin it if i feel like cutting, or pillow punchng.. none have worked, reading about it and how obvious i hyave realised im making it by wearing long sleeves all the time and shit.. is making me feel even worse, 1/2 inch away from death knwoing its that easy, yet i cant bring myself to do it.

Someone please i need to know whats keeping me here..

I HATE it i cant stand it i just want to Die, The thought of Death no longer distresses me but pleases me, all the thoughts of suicide i have are just reasuring that its all possible..

Im running out of shape objects now all my razors and getting blunt and knifes arent shape enough and i can take them in my room anyways, i need to find something, i stole a scaple from d.t today but i can find it anywhere and i need is so bad, this urge is unconrollable now, and i just cant fight it. i have to go. I cant take this.

Bye.