Why Do I Feel Invisible...?

last day of term, no more school for 6 weeks i should be happy right?...Wrong.. Im misrable. I feel like uber shit.. I just dont know why i mean no more gettin bullied for 6 weeks, no stress of school work and shit, i get to spend 6 weeks with the best boyfriend in the world? i should be happy.. but im just.. Not. :/

I think im worried.. worried about me and mart, worried bout how fast we are goin worried about him seeing my body, i mean i cant even look at it without crying, if he sees me he is just goin to run a mile! then ring me.. dump me and throw up :/

Today i feel like i need to cut.. i feel like my life is spinning out of control, my mind is spinning out of control, im loseing sight of whts real and whts just a nightmare... and i NEED to take control! I need to be able to think straight i need to be able to feel something real even just for the few seconds the razors is slowly ripping through my flesh and my problems and bleeding away..

I dont think i can take this for much longer, everyones telling me to cut, everyones sayin to cut hard enough to kill... but they are just voices, voices i have conjured up to be my friends.. but they have turned on my like everyone else i trusted..

I need sleep, i need to lie awake and dream of the cold caress of the razor, and as i lay my head to sleep, it will be at he back of my mind, i need to block it out and think bout mart, i know i can, i will lock bad thoughts at the back of my mind, and never let them out..

Maybe when yoo fall alsepp, come waste some time with me in my nightmares, and see wht i have to see each day, and recreate as i used to feel safe but now feel intruded even in my sleep..my dreams..