Contemplating Suicide...
Mood: Incredibly Depressed
Listening to: Atreyu - Tulips Are Better
Why does nobody actually care, im not saying id actually let someone ry help me, but the more im ignored, the harder it is for me to keep on this painted smile...
People make out they are so depressed, and mabe they are but at the moment i dont really care what their reasons are, i slept over my mate most of this week, and i was so depressed i actually had to cut myself at her house, i knew if i didnt i would have ended up walking to the bridge and jumping off, and i realise that sounds drastic and kinda immature, but its how i felt.
Since people found out i cut myself, like my mum and the doctor, if had to try and act extra happy so they dont suspect anything, because i hate having to go to a counciller, and the doctor, and when i have to collect my anti-depressants, i feel like such an idiot, people look at yoo different when they know yoo are depressed, they treat yoo different, the only reason they do is so they dont get the blame for suicide, not because they care or are worried.
What really pisses me off is when people flaunt their cuts, use it as an excuse to get attention, because its not something yoo are likly to want people to see, and then when people take the piss they cry n regret it, why not keep it secret?!
The only thing stopping me from suicide now, is i dont want to remember the last attempt, i overdosed, and then couldnt move or speak i could just cry, i could feel my heart pounding agaist my rip cage, it was so hard to breath i just wanted to end it there, i then fell unconcious and woke up in hospital, the shame and embarrassment so enough, i dont want to go through that again, so i just have to try and think of the best way i can, and make sure it actually ends there.
So many people want me dead, or hate me anyways.. i know knowone would actually miss me, even my parents n family tell me in a useless mistake, i get hit by everyone who is meant to love me, the one person i can think of who might care is Phil my bf, but he could do so much better, the only reason i dont think he has dumped me is because he knows i love him to bits, i cant leave him, he means the world to me.... and i just cant bare having the world agaist me except him, i wish he would just hate me, it would make this so much easier!
I really cant bare sittin here on my pc much longer, if i write in later yoo will know im still here i guess.. So..Bye...
