Mood: Shit when im not capeable of thinking of Mart..
Listening to: Ozzy - Crazy Train...
Well, hasn’t today been just peachy… Not… :/
Just like every other school day its been shit, I hate going to school, I deliberately make myself late now, so I don’t have to wait around by myself in the morning, while all my “fake mates” go have a fag down the ally, they wave at me when I walk past the ally, but I know as soon as I’m round the corner they are talking about me… They are all two-faced, all my so-called “friends” have been, They pretend to like you maybe even invite you out in town once ina while, but you know really the whole time they have been talking about yoo behind your back…
At the moment, My whole life feels like its just one big chore, I hate it, I hate the majority of people in it, and most of all I FUCKING HATE ME! After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror again, I even wrote another list of what I didn’t like, but I really was trying to think but all I could write was “I hate everything” And in a way its true, I do hate everything about me, how I look and how I am…
I cant wait until the weekend, I can see Martin again, it’s the rock concert at his school, then after I’m sleeping at his… I’m not sure if I have told you yet, but me and Phil are over, have been for a while now, and I’m glad… I’m with Martin now, and I think this could be real… He is so beautiful, and romantic, he’s better than any boyfriend I have ever had, We spent and hr on the beach just kissing and looking at the stars and the lights shining on the water at 2 in the morning. I have never done that before, and I really did like it, just lying down and having an intelligent conversation with the person you love…
I love him so much, He knows exactly what to say to cheer me up, and he is the one guy who could tell me he loved me to my face, well.. he whispered it in my ear before I had to go home, but yea not over the phone, not over msn or txt, he actually said it to me, and I have never had that before until I met him.
Me, Dan and Martin stayed out around Herne Bay until 4, and then I fell asleep on a chair outside, and he was there at 6 in the morning waiting for me to wake up, and yet my make up had been running from the rain and my hair was a mess, I woke up and he said to me “My god your beautiful…” And just things like that, have made me stop cutting, at least for now, I have been scratching me arms instead, or just snapping an elastic band around my wrist instead… I only really see him at the weekends, so I havnt bunked school so I can go out on weekends, I have stayed and listened to whole classes ganging up on me, just biting my lip knowing the day will be finished soon and I will be able to talk to him, I do that everyday until the weekend, and then I have 2 days of some form of happiness, Even if it doesn’t last, the time I’m with him I feel happy, I forget all the shit in my life and just think how lucky I am, to be with someone so perfect…
He tells me I’m perfect and I know he’s being sweet, but tears just well up in my eyes, coz I just wish I could be perfect, I wish I could be like the people in magazines, but I’m not… The only thing I’ve got on them is the fact im with the most amazing guy ever…
But, No matter how much I love Mart, I cant help but think about Phil, when I listen to songs they just bring back memories… I was at Lee’s on sat with Joe and Mart, and Lee put Linken Park – Numb on… and I felt my tears building up, I couldn’t feel my lip quivering, my hands began to shake, they shook like earthquake, I had to hand my hands under a pillow, I couldn’t take it but I couldn’t say anything, I just had to sit there through the song, hoping it would end soon so I could breath, think straight, and pull myself together, I couldn’t talk, Mart said something to me and I just looked at him, I think he knew something was wrong, he turned the song off, I couldn’t say a word about it, I tried later on but the words just came out wrong, I stuttered, I couldn’t breath properly, I was trying not to cry, but it just wasn’t going to happen, I still haven’t told him, I’m worried, he will think I still love Phil... But I really don’t…
For the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been able to think straight, my minds been going top speed, ll these fucked up thoughts are rushing through with all my other thoughts, I cant concentrate on anything but trying to work out what my thoughts are anymore, trying to make out what they mean, I keep hearing voices, somewhat familiar ones, like of my ex’s saying how ugly I am, telling me to shut up whenever I’m trying to speak, they shout at me, scream at me, and at first I used to look around, see who was shouting at me, who was telling me to shut up I couldn’t work out who it was, I was so confused I told Dray (my long life forever buddie who I love to bits) and he told me that they where in my head, that it was stress.. But I’m not stressed! I have nothing to be stressed about! Apart from these fucking voices!!!!!!!!!11
I’m going to go to bed now... I’m going to try sleep, a few sleeping pills should work, And when I wake up, this chore like life if you (if you could call it living…) will start over again.. in a never ending cycle until the day I die…
So Good-Bye…
And please do NOT judge me…
<3333333
