Time Goes By..
Mood: Suicidal
Listening to: Tim McGraw - Kill Myself
Hey. First entry so here goes...
Well im one of those people wo arnt really sure where im going in life, i often think that i wont be going anywere, ahnd that hopefully my life will just end. Because i really do want it to, and i know that sounds stupid, but to be honest i'm not to concerned if i get ina car crash and die a tradgic death, or if i commit suicde, nothing really matters to me anymore, my friends do obviously, hey are the only reason im here i spose, and they my family but i cant stand them.
My friends mean everything to me, i have very few, because i lost them all, when people found out i suffered with depression and that i cut myself, to penalise and judge me when they think they know me from one bit of info from someone who i thought i trusted, i was singled out and bullied... people bullied me so much that i would run into the toilets an lunch n break n cry, and i even tryed to hang myself with my tie, but im embarrassed to say, i couldnt tie it into a noose.
Soon after i lost my 'friends' i moved on, hung around with people who i had always been mates with, but yoo wouldnt really associate with, but they seemed alot nicer than i first judged them to be. They knew i was suffering with depression, and some knew that i cut myself, things in my school spread like the plague n unfortunatly, my personal life was one of those things. And they didnt seem to mind, they didnt really mention it, until all at once about 5 of them decided they where 'depressed' and thought it was a fun idea to cut themself, im sorry to say i wasnt sympathetic at all, because they hadnt reasons n they had only really scratched the surface, so it wasnt really my concern.. until they thought it was also a fun idea to tell every1 n show it off like a new haircut...
Im shaking now just writing this, and tears are rolling down my cheeks, so im sorry if i make any spelling mistakes..
Some may say me cuttin myself was a bit 'Drastic' such as my counciller, by hey wht does she know, she doesnt know any reason why i have, but i did it in an act of desperation, to take my mind of the mental pain i was feeling inside, and on the rare occation of psysical pain, where i had been beaten up and had bones broken for being different, then again i spose thats my fault, maybe i shud just be a steriotypical girl, who people will like, but i cant, becuase its just not me, and im not willing to change now, iv gone through enough since i was only aroud 5-6 to change now, if spend years covering the scars, and im not going to change because Yoo want me to!
Id also like to add before i finish this, this is not an act of help, im not looking for sympathy, because it means nothing to me now, i cant take compliments or anything..
Im contemplating ending it all.. have been for a long time.... And im Sorry for ever hurting anyone..
Thanx..
