Why Do I Feel Invisible...?

all my old blogs.

and i realise how much of a depressive little cunt i used to be.

 im totally different now.

my life has turned around completely. i have new friends, i have been with other guys.

all my past is just memories that i dont even care about.

my life now is at its peak.

5 weeks ago i met this guy called Andi. he is a bit of a chavvy boy. and all my matescan tell im well into him o, for the past 5 weeks we have known eachother we have been together like everyday.

 i used to care so much about how i looked around him. but now after like all the times he has seen me, gushing, trippin out, hungover, drunk, no makeup blah, i dont really care. like i do care but i wont get upset about it.

he always says to me 'so what are we doing tomorrow?' because he knowns we will be doing something together, because we always are.

its weird, he doesnt really treat me like him likes me that much, apart from always texting me, and always talking to me, he always chooses to hang aroudnw ith me other than leaving me and going off with him mates.

he does so much for me, he lends me money, he gives me stuff,he shares drugs with me, even tho he knows i will rarely ever have any.

i owe him a tenenr, but im giving that to him out of my birthday money.

thing is, like,, he always gives me there really cute looks, and im not sure what they mean, like really cheeky smiles n stuff. and i dont really know what to think of them.

also we pretty much always share a bed, even if there like other beds. which i rally like, but my mates say he must like me, but i dont know really, if he did im sure he would have made some sort of like indication... like an obvious one.

i dont even care.

im going to bed so i can wake up, look nice and go see him tomorrow.

hopefully tomorrow will be good, im probs guna buy a half gram of md and just get gushing at a party if i can find one.

Mood: Crying Mood...
Listening to: A Loss For Words - See You At The Shoreline

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Mood: Kinda Crappy
Listening to: Nickleback - Good Times Gone

Today Martin asked me if i was still cutting... he saw my arms on the weekend, and i hate lying to him, i hate lying to my family and friends, trying to say i have stopped.. i havnt, i cant, i just cant, im finding it so hard, espeshially when i know there are blades all over my room.

I really want to stop, its so hot i cant wear long sleeves n jackets forever but when i get so hot i have to take em off, then people like see em so obviously and i cant hide them much longer :/

But enough bout that or ima cry again :/

God things with me and Mart are going faster than i thought, i mean what did i expect if i was sleeping over his, like i just dont wana go too fast so things fuck up:( I want to make sure he really means he loves me, or he just thinks he does.. i mean things went further than i expected anyway, i mean he fucking went down on me... among other things! And i knew where things where going so i just said i was too tired :/ Coz i dont want to have sex and find that i was just some easy shag :/

I cant really think of anything to write, dont see much point tho :/ No point in doing anything anymore...

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Mood: Meh...
Listening to: Offspring - Original Prankster (oouuu memories)

Finished last entry so i thought i would cheack out my mates Blogs, Read my mate Sophies, We had a Huge arguement a few days ago, i was really fucking nasty and im surprised she is talking to me again...

Im such a fucking LOSER, How could i do that to someone i love her, shes one of the reasons im still here... I couldnt bare to lose her, when i thought id lost her, i felt like id lost everything id ever wanted and needed, shes like the one i turn to when i need to talk! Shes like my BEST and i meanBEST mate ever, im closer to her than i am to myself!

Gah Im just glad we are friends again! Id die if i lost her x[

When i thought i had lost her i went and layed on my bed, and the tears just flowed out, i couldnt stop them, i cryed and cryed for ages, i n=knew i had fucked things up, i knew she hated me, and i knew she had every right to hate me! and i cut... Just one, and thought Sophie this is for you, this is for all the times we have had, everytime yoo have cheered me up, made me laught, all gone, flowing out my wrist... If my blade was bigger i would have cut my whole wrist open! Cut it off! But it was nothing more than a razor blade... I dug it in, picked at the vein, picked open the flesh around it, made the hole bigger... watched the blood fill in a pool, then pool by pool spill onto my bed... But enough of that..

I love her! <33333333333 Sophie i hope we are mates forever!!!

Mood: Shit when im not capeable of thinking of Mart..
Listening to: Ozzy - Crazy Train...

Just like every other school day its been shit, I hate going to school, I deliberately make myself late now, so I don’t have to wait around by myself in the morning, while all my “fake mates” go have a fag down the ally, they wave at me when I walk past the ally, but I know as soon as I’m round the corner they are talking about me… They are all two-faced, all my so-called “friends” have been, They pretend to like you maybe even invite you out in town once ina while, but you know really the whole time they have been talking about yoo behind your back…

At the moment, My whole life feels like its just one big chore, I hate it, I hate the majority of people in it, and most of all I FUCKING HATE ME! After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror again, I even wrote another list of what I didn’t like, but I really was trying to think but all I could write was “I hate everything” And in a way its true, I do hate everything about me, how I look and how I am…

I cant wait until the weekend, I can see Martin again, it’s the rock concert at his school, then after I’m sleeping at his… I’m not sure if I have told you yet, but me and Phil are over, have been for a while now, and I’m glad… I’m with Martin now, and I think this could be real… He is so beautiful, and romantic, he’s better than any boyfriend I have ever had, We spent and hr on the beach just kissing and looking at the stars and the lights shining on the water at 2 in the morning. I have never done that before, and I really did like it, just lying down and having an intelligent conversation with the person you love…

I love him so much, He knows exactly what to say to cheer me up, and he is the one guy who could tell me he loved me to my face, well.. he whispered it in my ear before I had to go home, but yea not over the phone, not over msn or txt, he actually said it to me, and I have never had that before until I met him.

Me, Dan and Martin stayed out around Herne Bay until 4, and then I fell asleep on a chair outside, and he was there at 6 in the morning waiting for me to wake up, and yet my make up had been running from the rain and my hair was a mess, I woke up and he said to me “My god your beautiful…” And just things like that, have made me stop cutting, at least for now, I have been scratching me arms instead, or just snapping an elastic band around my wrist instead… I only really see him at the weekends, so I havnt bunked school so I can go out on weekends, I have stayed and listened to whole classes ganging up on me, just biting my lip knowing the day will be finished soon and I will be able to talk to him, I do that everyday until the weekend, and then I have 2 days of some form of happiness, Even if it doesn’t last, the time I’m with him I feel happy, I forget all the shit in my life and just think how lucky I am, to be with someone so perfect…

He tells me I’m perfect and I know he’s being sweet, but tears just well up in my eyes, coz I just wish I could be perfect, I wish I could be like the people in magazines, but I’m not… The only thing I’ve got on them is the fact im with the most amazing guy ever…

But, No matter how much I love Mart, I cant help but think about Phil, when I listen to songs they just bring back memories… I was at Lee’s on sat with Joe and Mart, and Lee put Linken Park – Numb on… and I felt my tears building up, I couldn’t feel my lip quivering, my hands began to shake, they shook like earthquake, I had to hand my hands under a pillow, I couldn’t take it but I couldn’t say anything, I just had to sit there through the song, hoping it would end soon so I could breath, think straight, and pull myself together, I couldn’t talk, Mart said something to me and I just looked at him, I think he knew something was wrong, he turned the song off, I couldn’t say a word about it, I tried later on but the words just came out wrong, I stuttered, I couldn’t breath properly, I was trying not to cry, but it just wasn’t going to happen, I still haven’t told him, I’m worried, he will think I still love Phil... But I really don’t…

For the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been able to think straight, my minds been going top speed, ll these fucked up thoughts are rushing through with all my other thoughts, I cant concentrate on anything but trying to work out what my thoughts are anymore, trying to make out what they mean, I keep hearing voices, somewhat familiar ones, like of my ex’s saying how ugly I am, telling me to shut up whenever I’m trying to speak, they shout at me, scream at me, and at first I used to look around, see who was shouting at me, who was telling me to shut up I couldn’t work out who it was, I was so confused I told Dray (my long life forever buddie who I love to bits) and he told me that they where in my head, that it was stress.. But I’m not stressed! I have nothing to be stressed about! Apart from these fucking voices!!!!!!!!!11

I’m going to go to bed now... I’m going to try sleep, a few sleeping pills should work, And when I wake up, this chore like life if you (if you could call it living…) will start over again.. in a never ending cycle until the day I die…

So Good-Bye…

And please do NOT judge me…

Mood: Really Fucked Up!
Listening to: All American Rejects - Paper Heart

I knew it, happens every fucking time.

Phil came online.. was first time id spoken to him in two weeks since i dumped him in a rather nasty mannor and i tryed to say sorry, knowin it wouldnt help just had to tell him n the most i got was..

Mood: In Pain...
Listening to: Atreyu - You Eclipsed By Me.

I had p.s.e today and guess wht we where doing for the next few weeks...?

Yup. Self-Harm, Depression, Mental illness... I felt so embarrassed as soon as sir said it the people who knew which was alot of them saying someone found out n said something... they all turned and looked at me.. i just slunk down in my chair and fighted the tears. I couldnt belive this, as sir started talking about it it made me worse, i couldnt take it, i started scratching at me own flesh, i had to do it slowly so no one would notice, which meant i just scratched deeper and harder, pressing hard on my flesh, alomost ripping open cut and scars, i felt so ashamed, i could feel tears welling in my etes, the lump in my throat, my cheeks quickly turning to red as sir said to the class "So does anyone know anone who self harms or do themselfs..?" And then loads of peoples hands shot up and they all stared at me... which resulted in me slinking lowed down in my chair so i was almost under the table.

People then told sir about who the knew (obviously not naming names) as they told their storys they where all, very like mine some where different but the people i knew that knew defo where describing me.. i could tell..at least i was paranoid enough to think they where talking about me..

Did i forget to mention the guy i fell madly in love with.. i dumped.. Yup i dumped Phil. I told him it was over and we havnt spoken since, i feel so terrible though, because i told him i would always love him..even if we wernt going out, and thats still true, he was my first proper Love and i cant forget him no matter how hard i try..

I feel so shit right now, i was reading up on tips on tricks to try if yoo feel like self harming, such as putting an elastic band on my wrist and snappin it if i feel like cutting, or pillow punchng.. none have worked, reading about it and how obvious i hyave realised im making it by wearing long sleeves all the time and shit.. is making me feel even worse, 1/2 inch away from death knwoing its that easy, yet i cant bring myself to do it.

Someone please i need to know whats keeping me here..

I HATE it i cant stand it i just want to Die, The thought of Death no longer distresses me but pleases me, all the thoughts of suicide i have are just reasuring that its all possible..

Im running out of shape objects now all my razors and getting blunt and knifes arent shape enough and i can take them in my room anyways, i need to find something, i stole a scaple from d.t today but i can find it anywhere and i need is so bad, this urge is unconrollable now, and i just cant fight it. i have to go. I cant take this.

Bye.

Mood: Diizy and Scared...
Listening to: Blink 182 - Im Lost Without You..

Once again im feeling so shit, i cant think straight, i keep looking at all my pills...thinking of all the possibilitys..

I dont know whats wrong with me, Just once again iv had a shit day... every day is shit n they arnt going to get much better....Ever. I wish i could change who i am, i wish i was different, i wish i was pretty, i wish i was a nicer person, i wish i had ways of controlling my anger and pain like other people, i wish i... I wish.. I wish i was Dead. No really i do, and obviously theres something inside me that wants to keep me hear, maybe just the fear of death.. or maybe im scared that i may miss the light at the end of the tunnel..

I dont want to feel this way.. all day long i sit and think of what im doing wrong, why people hate me, Why I.. Hate me...

My low self-esteem has slowly now turned into self-hatred. I cant stand the girl staring back at me in the mirror, shes a fake... with a fake smile, a fake laugh and a fake life. I just want to kill her, slit her throat, slit it from ear to ear, and then watch the lies spew out. i hate her.. for lieing to everyone.. but most of all for lieing to herself... making herself belive she was a happy girl.. making others belive it.. How she could lie to so many people and get away with it. Shes got away with it for so many years and yet hasnt slipped up... Whts going wrong in her life...

But Me.. the girl behind all those lies, the young woman behind all those lies... I cant stand being so fake.. i wish i could just be me... and be accepted.. but if i was the real me.. i really dont think id be hear.. thats wht helps me get trough each day.. pretending im "normal", pretening im Happy...Maybe thats why im here..

But the hardest thing about dying is... Knowin that im missing out on so much.. knowing im missin watching the sunset on the beach with the perfect guy, knowing im missing out on everything that i want to do... but also.. the feeling that iv been weakened, knowing people have broken down enough to crush me, and force me to end my life just to end this endless pain.

I looked and analized myself again in the mirror again today..i made a list of everything i hated and wanted to change... sadly almost everything about me was on the list but that doesnt matter... If this world is obsessed with beauty and that yoo have to be beautiful these days.. have to be flawless.. then i will do my best to be..  no matter wht it takes.. im fed up of people telling me whts bad about me than good.. so im going to change that.. and the first thing to do is get the body people like.. iv been anorexic before.. im not going to go to the extreme of anorexia yet.. first i will stick with bulimia..i have also been bulimic before so i know some good tricks.. and no matter how much more pain it takes to end this pain of being ashamed of myself.. im going to change..

Id like to thank beauty magazines and all those nice people who have made me feel like shit!.. See what yoo have done now...

Yesterday... Mart (The guy i kinda.. fancy..) Told me something that made me cry.. but he was being nice.. yet i burst into tears...

Can you guess what he said to me..?

He told me.. That.. I..I was Perfect. And That he..Cared about me soo much.... And no matter how much thats wht i craved from someone.. It hurt me...It made me feel so insecure.. it made me feel like the guy i.."Loved" had lied to me... and i know he was being kind.. he was cheering me up.. but i just couldnt bare it.. I didnt belive what he said.. i knew he wouldnt lie to me..  but i just couldnt bring myself to belive it..

Well i need to talk to Mart bout my ex... his bro (also my ex) met him today n im like iieee...

xxx

Mood: Fucked up...
Listening to: The blood brothers - rats and rats and rats for candy..

Mood: Better Than A Min Ago...
Listening to: Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK

Once again i had almost a mental breakdown in the shower...

Just seeing my body and how ugly n podgy i am just makes me breakdown i realised i was lieing to myself telling myself i was pretty, convincing myself i was average weight, i felt dirty, unclean, like id betraded myself for lieng so much to myself like that, i just began scratching at my body, riping open my scars and cuts then burst in tears and sat down in shower as i watched the blood just trickle out of my wrists, in a way it was comforting, then i washed out the blood and got out the shower.

I know it sounds like ima total freak, i am, sometimes i think im going absolutly mental, like i have lost my mind forever and its not coming back. I dont want my mind back, it frightens me... because i want to get everything out of my mind, not lose it and then dread when i find it n have to see all that iv been through, feel how i felt when i knew i had nothing left.. i cant bare it at the moment let alone in future after i hopefully have gotten over it,  if i ever do, that is if i am able to stand this two minutes longer!

If stopped taking my anti-depressents, i stoped last week.. they wernt working so i threw them away, it cant be good for me taking 3 pills again that dont actually work! Yoo may be wondering why 3... one is an anti-depressent, one is one to help my concentration keep me awake and the other is to stop me having dizzy vision and weird hulisinations, the docter saw me once n decided i was some fucking nutter!

I have to admit i just cut myself again, hense the title, i felt so depressed, i know im usually depressed and i only have like a good mood for around 10-20mins a week, and i know i soundnt cut myself whenever im depressed, but if i didnt do that i wouldnt be here now, and i know thats what some people want, including me but thats not going to change, so if you would prefere me to not be here, at least keep it to yourself...

People know i have no self-esteem now, yet they still try to crush me, make sure it never comes back, and i think its worked, so why cant they leave me alone and move onto someone else, i cant take this much longer... its been 3 months now and most of last year n im not sure i can go on with this happening 6hrs a day!

I can feel the blood soaking into my hoodie now, its getting wetter and wetter, i cant take it off n look, not even pull up the sleeves, im scared of what im going to do, i have hit an artery once again... and i have bandaged it up, and im waiting for it to cause a blood clot, but its just bleeding, it never usually takes this long... Thanx to Dray, id be shitting myself now, but hes luverlay he always helps me

Im in a slightly better mood at the mo, prolly coz i know my problems are bleeding out as i speak, my heart isent pounding agaist my rib cage so it feels like its going to break my ribs for once, i am getting kinda dizzy though.. so im going to lie down :)

Byeee x

Mood: Not Rally Sre...
Listening to: Lamb Of God - Blood Junkie

Was expecting the gavas (Police) to come see me today.. but they didnt thank gawd... i was classed as a missing person so they wanted to see me..

I told my mum again i wasnt going back to chaucer.. she and alot of people who know about me gettng bullied back me totally and have recomended me trying to get in on scolarship in private school.. its such a nice school it is no uniform, arty, has a theater for plays and things, so i wouldnt mind trying to get in there..

Well im in a better mood today, iv had my anti-depressants so i shud be okay for a while longer:)

Sorry for short entry... not much to say really....

x

Mood: One Again..Suicidal...
Listening to: Senses Fail - Bite To Break Skin

Bunked off school again today... I couldnt bare it, as soon as i walked in i just got insulted and called names n shuved and stuff... So i just walked out again..

I wandered around all day and my mum found out from the school i was bunking, i told her i wasnt going back.. she made me thats what she gets i guess...

I went to Mels mum coz i saw her n i knew she hadnt gone home that night n i was kinda worried.. she then rung me mum n dad.. they all think im lieing and are like oh yes well Hannah i know yoo have still been cutting yourself.. well duh! -claps sarcasticly- it took yoo that long to work it out, i mean knifes and bloody flannels dotted around where a hint.. god and i still get called a lier..

If they think im going to sit in class with no mates and stay in school for 6hrs just so i cant get taken the piss out of.. then they can fuck off for all i care. I dont give a shit if they think im lieing or not. Coz i know the truth.. and as for my mum.. she tells 1 more person i cut myself.. Bamm! I swear i will crack her 1 right in the face... she tells people when its none of their buiseness!

I dont feel right at chaucer( my school ) i mean people are so fake, all of them.. even teachers they act like care but really they cudnt give to fucks, they find it fun giving lectures, so the sooner then days over they can fuck off home, and dont give a shit after that.. 

I still cant belive my mum found out about me cutting myself again, i mean for fuck sake, shes not going to be able to stop me is she?!

Today when i was wandering round.. i was thinking about suicide.. its all that was in my head i just couldnt remove it from my brain, its like it was printed on my brain i just wouldnt go.. all i could see was me jumping infront of a train or a car, or jumpin off 5th floor of the BT building, i just wanted to cry all the time, i couldnt bare it i just burst in tears, i was just wandering around town for 9hrs on end with bleeding mascara and a clenched fist. I was so close.. i was even standing on the ledge of BT building roof.. im lucky it wasnt windy, or id be dead now... im not sure why im not to be honest, the things i have had to put up with.. most people would have topped themsels now, n im not a strong person my feelings control me... so frankly im not sure why im still here or how!

I get called so many names.. kids can be so cruel.. un-natrually cruel actually...i mean kids enjoy watching yoo fighting off the tears, trying to swallow that lump in the back of your throat, biting your lip, wanting to cry.. its like bliss for them.

Yoo know if yoo et called something enuff times such as oh i dont know slag.. and it was just so repetative and cruel yoo start to belive them... belive yoo are a slag, and then yoo wake up one morning and like its become your name so i mean instead of Hannah id be know as slag.. and yoo just have to do something so big to get yor name back... so everyone will know who yoo really are..

x

Mood: Incredibly Depressed
Listening to: Atreyu - Tulips Are Better

Why does nobody actually care, im not saying id actually let someone ry help me, but the more im ignored, the harder it is for me to keep on this painted smile...

People make out they are so depressed, and mabe they are but at the moment i dont really care what their reasons are, i slept over my mate most of this week, and i was so depressed i actually had to cut myself at her house, i knew if i didnt i would have ended up walking to the bridge and jumping off, and i realise that sounds drastic and kinda immature, but its how i felt.

Since people found out i cut myself, like my mum and the doctor, if had to try and act extra happy so they dont suspect anything, because i hate having to go to a counciller, and the doctor, and when i have to collect my anti-depressants, i feel like such an idiot, people look at yoo different when they know yoo are depressed, they treat yoo different, the only reason they do is so they dont get the blame for suicide, not because they care or are worried.

What really pisses me off is when people flaunt their cuts, use it as an excuse to get attention, because its not something yoo are likly to want people to see, and then when people take the piss they cry n regret it, why not keep it secret?!

The only thing stopping me from suicide now, is i dont want to remember the last attempt, i overdosed, and then couldnt move or speak i could just cry, i could feel my heart pounding agaist my rip cage, it was so hard to breath i just wanted to end it there, i then fell unconcious and woke up in hospital, the shame and embarrassment so enough, i dont want to go through that again, so i just have to try and think of the best way i can, and make sure it actually ends there.

So many people want me dead, or hate me anyways.. i know knowone would actually miss me, even my parents n family tell me in a useless mistake, i get hit by everyone who is meant to love me, the one person i can think of who might care is Phil my bf, but he could do so much better, the only reason i dont think he has dumped me is because he knows i love him to bits, i cant leave him, he means the world to me.... and i just cant bare having the world agaist me except him, i wish he would just hate me, it would make this so much easier!

I really cant bare sittin here on my pc much longer, if i write in later yoo will know im still here i guess.. So..Bye...

Mood: Suicidal
Listening to: Tim McGraw - Kill Myself

Hey. First entry so here goes...

Well im one of those people wo arnt really sure where im going in life, i often think that i wont be going anywere, ahnd that hopefully my life will just end. Because i really do want it to, and i know that sounds stupid, but to be honest i'm not to concerned if i get ina car crash and die a tradgic death, or if i commit suicde, nothing really matters to me anymore, my friends do obviously, hey are the only reason im here i spose, and they my family but i cant stand them.

My friends mean everything to me, i have very few, because i lost them all, when people found out i suffered with depression and that i cut myself, to penalise and judge me when they think they know me from one bit of info from someone who i thought i trusted, i was singled out and bullied... people bullied me so much that i would run into the toilets an lunch n break n cry, and i even tryed to hang myself with my tie, but im embarrassed to say, i couldnt tie it into a noose.

Soon after i lost my 'friends' i moved on, hung around with people who i had always been mates with, but yoo wouldnt really associate with, but they seemed alot nicer than i first judged them to be. They knew i was suffering with depression, and some knew that i cut myself, things in my school spread like the plague n unfortunatly, my personal life was one of those things. And they didnt seem to mind, they didnt really mention it, until all at once about 5 of them decided they where 'depressed' and thought it was a fun idea to cut themself, im sorry to say i wasnt sympathetic at all, because they hadnt reasons n they had only really scratched the surface, so it wasnt really my concern.. until they thought it was also a fun idea to tell every1 n show it off like a new haircut...

Im shaking now just writing this, and tears are rolling down my cheeks, so im sorry if i make any spelling mistakes..

Some may say me cuttin myself was a bit 'Drastic' such as my counciller, by hey wht does she know, she doesnt know any reason why i have, but i did it in an act of desperation, to take my mind of the mental pain i was feeling inside, and on the rare occation of psysical pain, where i had been beaten up and had bones broken for being different, then again i spose thats my fault, maybe i shud just be a steriotypical girl, who people will like, but i cant, becuase its just not me, and im not willing to change now, iv gone through enough since i was only aroud 5-6 to change now, if spend years covering the scars, and im not going to change because Yoo want me to!

Id also like to add before i finish this, this is not an act of help, im not looking for sympathy, because it means nothing to me now, i cant take compliments or anything..

Im contemplating ending it all.. have been for a long time.... And im Sorry for ever hurting anyone..

Thanx..