Just a moment of weakness

Listening to: im so sick - flyleaf

Okay, Im not supposed to eat chips. Haha. I have a photoshoot on either Monday or Tuesday and I have got to look my best! I found this photographer through my friends who are in a band and use him to shoot for their album. Him and I get along so well that I think we'd make for AMAZING pictures! And he told me that he already has so many ideas of shoots that he wants to use me for! He likes my 'look' because I am not your average model! I am not tall or blonde, I dont have huge boobs, and I am NOT stick thin. Im short and curvy, with tattoos and piercings and short black hair. But it works for fine art and I am soo excited! So my first shoot with him is next week and I need to make a good impression and come out with awesome pictures so that he'll think of me the next time he has a creative shoot. We already discussed doing an infrared shoot in the woods!! yay. Im still avoiding the world and its really doing well for me. Im not working right now - just living off savings. And my roommate is gone home until the New Year so it's perfect. Me and the guy I was dating are definatley over! hehe. Im okay but I did get a little sad and had quite the cry the other day! Got it all out. I think Im pretty self destructive in relationships. I just enjoy being single, I guess, as much as sometimes I REALLY want to be with someone in particular. Anyways, now Im craving chips. So Im going to watch Ghost Whisperer and then go on a walk to the store and get some! :O I know I shouldnt but I must! Lets hope they dont show in the photo shoot!

Yesterday was seriously the weirdest day ever. I cant even explain it... I havnt really had time to eat full meals latley and I guess it just got to me. I went for a tan and literally almost fainted! Just got overheated. I ended up getting really sick by the end of the night. I havn't been sleeping much I guess and have been under lots of pressure. It all just kinda got to me and took a toll on my health! So I told everyone that I was taking some time to myself for a week or so and shut off my cell phone, etc. Hopefully I can rehabilitate myself without involving any sort of health professional! I saw my mom this morning and she just says "you look so thin, are you eating??" Haha Im eating but I HAVE had issues with eating disorders in the past. SO now everytime I hang out with someone, they want to go to eat to make sure Im eating and it gets really old. PLUS even though it hasnt been long since I blogged about my 'amazing boyfriend', but Im pretty sure thats over! Hah. Geeeez. But its all good. Makes it all easier to have a little bit of time for ME over the holidays, i guess. Hopefully this odd feeling and dark cloud aren't permanent!! Its getting old already! hehe

Im writing this blog only because of a blog that I oddly came across. I was having a really shitty day. Im dating a new guy who was just acting weird today and I worried that he was over it. Im a very paranoid person naturally, so this happens often! Anyways, something was just off with my day. I felt like a good cry would help me out... But I NEVER cry. So I googled "cry right now" to see if there was a story or something that would aid my issue. Long story short, I havnt cried. Hah. But I came across the blog of a young girl who IS who I WAS about 5 years ago, and she's not in a very good place. She writes of suicide and depression. And I felt like I needed to save her. I saved myself, didnt I? Ive been through it all - abuse, self hate, self mutalation, depression, suicide attempts, suicides of friends, alcoholism, drug addiction, you name it, its happened to me. And im only 21 years old. But I graduated highschool, I work, I have my own apartment, I have an amazing boyfriend (though Im just as happy single!), I just became a model... And I havnt had anyone to do it for me, I got here all on my own. So I wrote to this girl. I reached out to her because I didnt know if anyone else would and I really think she needs someone. So hopefully she reads this before she gives up for good.

xoxox