Understanding ... Dreaming ... Living

the panic attacks are getting worse.

is this what independence is?  It's scary.

i've got to make it - one day at a time.

well, i'm leaving my husband.  he's just now coming to that understanding.  i just told him i was going to stay with my parents for awhile - they are older and need me with them.  but now i've rented an apartment and am moving in june 1st.  i get up every morning and my stomach is upset.  i just go do what i have to do with it feeling that way.  i can't stop it - my nerves always affect my stomach.  somewhere down the road i lost my independence.  i don't know where.  i'm afraid to go to the mall by myself.  i'm afraid to travel by myself.  i've even lost the confidence of picking out my own curtains in my own house without asking him if they're ok.  there are other issues - but this is public and i'm not going to post those.  i'm scared to death.  but, my trust is in God that He'll keep me going.  that's all i have  - that and my children.

Yesterday was OK.  Work wasn't bad.  I finished my reports and just worked on mundane stuff.  My uncle fell and broke his shoulder.  I had to take him lunch today.  He looks so old and feeble.  It just magnifies the "old age" factor.  Scares me.  He's completely dependent on other people right now.  I feel so sorry for him.

Mom and Dad are so blessed with their good health.  I'm so glad. 

We went out to eat last night.  Of course I was in bed by 8:30 or 9:00.  I bought a new book to read and I have another one waiting when I get done with this one.  It keeps my mind off of things.

Take care ... ily

Went to the mall this morning.  I had a facial - it was so nice!!!  I haven't treated myself like that for a long time.  Going out to eat in just a bit then going to mom's this evening.  I'm having weird dreams.  I'd love to have them interpreted sometime.  Seems I always have this one about either being lost in a school or not having my homework or I show up at school and have no clothes on.  I read somewhere that's because you feel like your life is out of control (it is).  Oh well.

  Talk to ya this evening!

I liked the talk we had today.  I see new sides to you every day.  I guess though you never really know someone until you live with them.  Think that's possible??