Broken

Mood: Horny, hungry and a tired
Listening to: Nothing

Hi whoever you are that's reading this... I'm Suzie, 15/f/Edinburgh or Wishaw. First off I'm making this diary 'cause I don't have anyone to tell apart from the pc and you internet peeps - sad eh? but yea.

I suppose you could describe my life as broken (seriously bl**dy F**ked up!!!). We used to be a happy, (relatively) normal family, me, Mum, Dad and my lil sis K. All was fine until Dad lost his job and we had to sell our house then it all broke up. Mum moved to my evil auntie's house and Dad and K moved to some unknown place. As for me, I was crashing at a guy's house above a pub.

I was a whore, having sex for money with name-less, lonely middle-aged men who drank at the pub. Now don't judge me on this. Just close your eyes and think for a moment what it must be like to have no family, no friends, no home and absolutley nothing to live for. I took drugs, simply because they made me feel so much better and when you're as depressed as I was, you'd do anything to feel better. So I was desperate for drugs, desperate for money to buy the drugs and when you're in that situation you'll do anything to get that money - even have sex with strangers. I earned a lot of money, which was all spent on drugs.

I fell pregnant at 14. Still don't know who the father was, might have been my boyfriend, Liam but I guess I'll never know.

I was drugged, young and stupid and was pushed into having an abortion which I will forever regret. I killed a baby and to this day it haunts me, scares me.

Next thing was Daz. No. He's not a thing, he's a life-saver. I met him one night after I slit my wrists trying to take my own life. First he was just another man wanting to f**k me but he wasn't like most of the other men, he talked to me, asked about my life and my past and he kissed me, something most men wouldn't do. I saw Daz again after that and instead of just a quick f**k, we sat and talked at his house until well into the morning. He has a little girl, Becca who's only 3 and so innocent. Daz's wife had some kind of nervous breakdown after she had Becca and ran away, leaving Daz broken hearted with a baby girl.

I think had I not met Daz, I wouldn't be here today to tell you this story.

My Mum found me living above the pub and dragged me to evil Auntie's house. I hated it there. Auntie hated me and was forever shouting at me. One night I decided I had had enough and I packed my stuff (what little stuff I had) and walked across town to Daz's. The only thing I remember clearly about my walk to Daz's was when he opened the door with Becca in his arms, the perfect vision of a loving man.

I got to go to bed now, to be continued....

Hello again. Where was I? Oh yes that bit! Daz invited me in and we sat and talked for hours and I told him I had 'escaped' from evil Auntie and he empathised with me and told me I was welcome top stay with him for a bit while I sorted myself out. He was such a gentleman, he slept on the sofa so I could sleep in his bed and he took the day off work the next day to watch over me and he made me breakfast and... right you get the point! He was gorgeous in each and every way. I stayed with Daz and Becca for what must have been around 2 months and I occasionally went round to my Auntie's to visit Mum.

On one of these occasions my Auntie dragged me in and locked me in the house while she went to work for the day! After that I decided never to set foot in that house again, even to see my Mum. A week or so after that evil Auntie turned up at my... em I mean Daz's house (God knows how she knew I was there) and announced Mum was in hospital with breathing difficulties. Daz works at the hospital so I went with him to visit Mum. She was pale, thin and looking near dead and Daz stood by me and held my hand while I sobbed as I realised if she died (which I was certain she would) I would have no family except evil Auntie who I wanted nothing to do with! I went to work with Daz every day and sat with Mum, she improved a lot and when she finally got to go home, it was evil Auntie's she went to so that was the end of seeing her.

One event that really shocked me was when Becca called me 'Mum'. I had never thought of us as a family but then I realised we were. Daz and I did have a sexual relationship but it wasn't like what you are probably thinking, I was pushed into nothing, in fact it was probably me pushing him into it. He was reluctant to let people know about our relationship as he could have gotten into a lot of trouble if the police found out he was having regular sex with a 14 year old.

One day I decided to go round to Auntie's to see Mum. I was there for a reason - I wanted Dad's phone number. Mum was fine, healthy again and she gladly gave me Dad's mobile number and that night I called him. He told me he was living in a small flat in east Edinburgh and I informed him I was fine and living with Daz. I told him all about Daz and he seemed all right about it but the next day, totally unexpected, he turned up at our house demanding to see me. Anyway to cut a long story short, I ended up in Edinburgh with Dad and K.

I started going to school there and started to re-build my life, a new start. No-one knew of my past and everything was perfect - except one thing - I missed Daz like crazy. I could sense he needed me too so one night, in the middle of the night, I got a taxi to Daz's. Although it was 3am, Daz was delighted to see me. Of course I knew I couldn't stay there so in the morning, after all night sex, Daz drove me back to Edinburgh and my Dad never knew I was gone. I did this on several occasions before I told my Dad about it. He seemed surprisingly ok with it all (probably because he was to drunk to take it in).

It was getting close to my 15th birthday and I wanted a party. My Dad wouldn't let me so we arranged a compromise - I would go to Daz's and have a party there. So on the 24th of October Daz picked me up and we went to his house for a fantastic party with his work mates, pub mates and their partners/friends. Yes I drank a lot but for once I didn't have sex with a lot of people. Only Daz - unprotected. I went home totally not thinking of what had happened.

I was meant to be on the pill but I must have forgot to take it and when my period didn't come, I panicked. I didn't tell anyone, not Daz, not Dad, no-one for weeks. Then I decided I had to go to the doctor. I got 2 pregnancy tests, one from blood and one from pee. Both tested positive and all I could think was 'SHIT!!!'. At first I didn't believe I could be pregnant as I was kind of on the pill so in total I did 4 home pregnancy test all tested positive. I went back to the FP clinic and was basicly told my only option was to have another abortion. I scremed at the nurse and told her to go f**k herself and that was that, there was no way I was having an abortion.

After that incident I really had to tell Daz. But my problem was; how do you tell a 34 year old he's got a 15 year old pregnant without him panicking and simply running away. I got my friend to call him and tell him and all he said was 'What?!'. A few nights later I called him personally. I could tell he believed it now by the tone of his voice.

'Hi' he said.

'It's me' I replied

Big long silence!!!

'Daz we gotta talk' I said

'I'll call you back' he said, and hung up.

And that was it. He didn't call me back. So I went round there and talked to him. He apologised for not calling me and said it was simply because he was shocked. He agreed to stand by me and be the father of the baby if I decided to keep it and all was perfect again.

Now, on the 28th November, I'm 5 weeks pregnant or 6 weeks and 2 days according to the doctor (they measure it from the first day of your last period whereas I'm measuring from the 24th). And I'll tell you something, being pregnant isn't much different apart from I'm really horny!! And I havn't been sick at all - yet!

So I don't really know if there's morals to this story. I suppose if there is morals they're kind of

1. don't give up - ever!! Oh yes and don't slit your wrists, it hurts!!

2. if you find someone who really genuinly loves you - don't let them go

3. Don't listen to FP nurses, they never believe you can do it.

Thanks for reading, feels good to tell someone, even if it is a stranger.

Hello again, just thought I would update and add my email address here in case any of you want to contact me. I'm on MSN messenger too. lightbluebabe@hotmail.com

I'm actually happy to be pregnant just now, I have a bit of a bump now but Daz thinks I'm just imagining it! We bought a new 'family' car a little while ago and we're doing up Becca's room because she'll be sharing it with the baby. I am hoping for a girl and I'm having a little panic just now because I havn't thought up any names!! Oh yes and I still don't know the first thing about babies!! I am really nervous about having this baby but I am determined to be the best mother I can be.