This is d first time i'm writing a blog...... Having some kind of unkown mixed feeling.. there's lot of things tat i wish to write abt, but dsnt noe which to start first... Used to hv habit writing diaries bk in school days but tat was donkey yrs ago...
@ times, i wish i'm bk to d school days wif no much of worries bside njoying my life... mayb setting up dis blog oni helps me to relieve some of the x(complicated) thoughts in my mind...
Though now already married w/ 2 kids, there's lots n tons of worries in my mind everyday.. only d time when i put ah girl to sleep will i hv d time to go into deep deep thoughts... at some nites, i even dream of all d bad things n end up waking, crying. juz cant control myself - but nobody noes. There's juz no one who can understand..... i can talk to pple abt dis pblms but they will oni tell me their thinking n comfort me... no one reali understand the kinda thinking i'm hving. no pt telling them wat exactly i'm thinking cuz @ d end of d day, each has diff mind-set. mayb some will think y not talk to my closest - hubby. again, it's no pt. he will oni think tat i'm too sensitive n over worried... might as well dun say since the answ is oreadi noen.
things tat i worry most are my kids, family, relation w/ hubby... though financially there are lots more to worry, but i chose to run away frm reality till d day comes. sometimes i ask myself y do i hv to worry so much.. it's unecessary but juz cant help it. i always hv dis feeling tat hubby has lots tat he's keeping frm me which is true somehow cuz there r things which i found out n he did not tell me abt it. Y dun i ask him? no pt.. wat's d pt of asking when in d first place he did not hv d intention to tell u... i acted blur til dis very day. there's also lots btw he n his mum tat i'm not told too.... mayb it's reali their own pblms which i shldn't bother but when it concern's my kids, i think i shld hv d rite to noe at all times.... juz hv d feel tat his mum looks down on my family cuz she somehow financially supported us when we needed it. but didn't she even think or mayb her son din't tell her tat my family has been financially supporting us too thought it's not obivous... my parents hv contributed to dis family tru helping out looking after d kids, doing d marketing w/o asking me a single cent, cooking for us, buying d household things, eg. toiletries, gorceries etc......
Y must hubby keep so much things frm me... afraid tat i noe!!! or is his mum telling him not to let me noe... even my kids celebrating b'day, she wants to noe how much red pkts we collected.... If i wld to say it in a nasty way, wat has it got to do w/ her... y do we hv to answ to her abt all these... d kids saving accts are joined trustee w/ hubby which i seldom see the transactions... shld i make it transparent? i think it's necessary but feels bad abt doing these.... it feels like i dun trust him but if w/o his mum, i definitely trust him more than anyone in d world.
d other day.. i had a dream tat he dint pick up my call. when i finally found him, he juz came out frm his shower w/ a travel bag on d bed... i asked him where he was going but he refused to say.... though it's oni a dream but in reality, there were countless times tat i asked him things n he refused to tell me... he did not put it upfront tat i'm not supposed to noe but he wld juz use his usual way brushing it off saying w/ a smile - "Y must i tell u.."
me hving d kinda of not begging pple character of course turn my head off not asking further.... but deep down in my heart juz dsnt feel gd - y cant he tell me...... something so secretive tat i cant noe....
he juz dsnt give me d secure feel.... he's in charge of d household finances now.... shld i handle my own pay so tat i can hv some savings? i noe tat he's hving personal savings which he dint tell me n i didnt want to ask too. wif some savings of my own, though i'm not reali good at handling finances, i cant save them for my own use n rainy days juz in case rather than asking pple for it. especially him.
d ups n downs in my minds juz cant go away.... everyday, anytime, anywhere it juz pops up reminding me all dis things.... do i hv a choice??? in d past i used to call him whenever i'm available usually during lunch time juz to ask how's he's doing. but out of 10 times tat i calll him, there are 9 times tat he dsnt sound positive answing d call. i stopped doing tat. dis days, i oni call him when necessary but still he seldom sound positive. Not always but most of d time. sometimes i wish tat everyday when he comes bk frm work or b4 we sleep, he cld give me a hug or a kiss but tat's juz my wish... it happens mayb oni once a wk.. i asked myseld is it tat diff? i tat it wasnt but not sure to him. out of 10 good nite kisses, 9 are frm me to him n oni 1 frm him to me. @ times when i ask him for one, he juz smiles n act blur trying to irritate me. again, me not begging pple, turn my head n walk off.
there r juz too many, many n many times tat i wish to hv a good good cry. but no tears flows.... has d tears dry up or m i juz too tired of all dis to even shed a tear???
soon i b gg bk to work... n tat's reali very very soon.... supposed to be bk officially on d 10 Oct but decided to report bk early on 3rd Oct n now even earlier on 1st Oct..... well, doesn't reali matter actually but juz tat i kinda felt lazy after resting for so long..... having a "red bomb" on sun --- 5-star hotel leh... dun noe wat to wear... got to go do my shopping on sat after work liao....
soon i'll b gg bk to work in 2 wks time... times flies... my maternity leave ending liao.... honestly speaking, i kinda of miss work.... looking forward to go bk.. but i think all humans r d same.... after u hv rest for too long, u bcame lazy liao.... tat's how i feel now lah...
