I started knitting when I was pregnant with Cody. I had always done some sort of needlework and had tried my hand at crochet, cross-stitch, sewing and a hundred other "Crafty" things. With this last pregnancy, I was dealing with an abusive ex, constant court battles and a high risk pregnancy. My grandmother - though a raving bitch on a good day - became a human being long enough to put a pair of knitting needles in my hand and taught me to cast off.
I've been knitting and purling ever since.
I go to a mental place when I knit -- its the same place I go to when I'm at the potter's wheel or the in the garden pulling weeds from the lavendar bed. It's a place where I'm calm and my heart isn't tight with anxiety. It's a place I lose track of from time to time because The World is pulling me away with too many responsibilities and worries. But even if it's only ten minutes at a time, I go to my place every day. And sometimes, ten minutes is all I need to save my life.
I thought homeschooling would be the answer for so many of my boys' problems. And it has. Their successes have been awesome and the growth of their academic progress and personal confidence has been inspiring. But where it has solved so many of their problems -- it has created numerous other ones for me. And at times ... Times Like Today .. I remember how scary it can be to lose track of My Mental Place.
I had a nervous breakdown. It wasn't pretty. And yet, through it all, I was lucid enough to feel responsible for others. I didn't want anyone to "worry" about me. So I hid it. I dealt with the suicidal thoughts all on my own. I even kept it from the my therapist because I didn't want her to worry or be concerned. I wanted to shield them all from the pain. I wanted THEM to be okay, even if it meant I died in silence.
Homeschooling is hard ... especially when it balanced with working nights to afford the homeschooling ... and keeping the house and laundry up ... and of course, knitting has to fit in there somewhere or I cease to exist. The touch of the yarn pulls me into a quiet place -- like a cat following that ball of yarn, I focus on the twist and turn of it, swatting with my hands and laughing as I run. I don't work tonight -- and as a treat I imagine sitting up in my bed with my red cotton and my bamboo needles and working on the sock I am determined to finish, even if it's all stretched out and full of ladders. Because this is my reward for not losing my mind. This is my treat for working hard last night and the night before ... a night where I can knit and watch Fred Astaire movies and dream of spun silk and bamboo needles.
And every time I put on my red cotton socks and slide them into my black workboots ... I will take a little peice of my Magical Yarn Land away with me in my mind. All I have to do is wiggle my toes, and I'm there.
Here I am so far ... I'm just working the heel flap and following the book to the letter. I've read ahead to the dreaded heel turn and it didn't make much sense so I typed "beginning knit sock instruction" into Google and found a really picture-heavy website here http://www.cometosilver.com/socks/SockClass_Beginning.htm and looked at how she did the heel turn ... NOW it makes sense. Almost like magic the heel "puffs up" and gets ready for a foot. Amazing ... I'm looking forward to getting that far along!
