My Life of Insanity

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Dora the explorer

My two year old daughter has cabin fever. She is driving me nuts! We do not have a big house, it's actually a tiny townhouse. So we do not have much room to roam. And our living room is pretty much full of her toys. She spent some time outside this weekend playing in the snow and she loved it, so now every morning when she wakes up, she looks out her window and says "snow?"

The problem is after we got dumped with all the snow it started raining here. The rain turned into a sheet of ice on top of the 2ft of snow. It is freezing here and she shouldnt stay outside more then 10 - 15 mins. Her face will be beat red, I'll be dragging her into the house and she screams the whole time. She DOES NOT want to be in the house! Then I have to fight her to get her snowsuit off.

I understand her amazement of the snow. It is so different and cool to her. But being her mother, I have to be the bad person because I make her come back into the warm house.

So her cabin fever is kicking in full force today. She has been trying to climb the tv stand. She took all her videos off the shelf and threw them around the living room, walking on top of them. She has dumped every single toy bin she has. She thought it was fun to throw a baseball at me. She has been cranky and crabby, whining most of the day. She has dumped her juice cup four times today. And most of that was before noon.

I need a drink.

Mood: crabby
Listening to: snoop dog on Leno

Guess what I have figured out?

I actually hate people. Just random people in general.

I think it's come down to the fact that I over analize everybody and everything. And when I come across a person that I dont understand or could really care less about understanding - it starts to drive me insane. People in general have become much more complex over the last decade. We all have issues, some more then others (like me).

Why can't people just be more upfront about their thoughts and their feelings? And why is that when someone is actually upfront, they are labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole"? Why can't we, as a society, just accept that these are their feelings and thoughts?

I don't know, maybe I am just pms'ing and in a bad mood right now. I am just so darn tired and run down. I need a vaction....somewhere warm and sunny without my phone ringing off the hook.......

Mood: Lost
Listening to: Hum of the heater

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. The "old" me would have been fighting it all tooth and nail. But this "new" me is just kinda hanging on, hoping she doesn't fall off.

I went to see my grandpa yesterday. He hadn't gotten out of bed all day, but he was excited to see me and we talked for alittle while. I went back today to bring him some things he was asking for. It was a completely different man who laid in that bed. He wasn't my grandpa. He was very distant, his eyes were glazed over, he didnt even seem to know I was there half the time. He looked "washed-out" - his skin the same color as his white hair. He barely moved the whole time I was there. He didn't even crack a smile when I showed him the stuffed pig my daughter had picked out for him. He didn't protest to the flowers I arranged on his window sill. That wasnt my grandpa.

I felt his life slipping away. It's slipping slowly, but it is slipping away. I can tell he has given up. He looks so fragile - he has lost over 20lbs since he went into the hospital on x-mas day. Tears filled my eyes as I walked all the way to my car and the tears stung so much. It was only 6 degrees outside.

In other news: Back in June my mom went blind in her right eye. It's call optic neritus (sp?). It has to do with her MS. She had complete blindness in the eye for over a month, but slowly some sight came back. She can't see colors in that eye anymore and has limited vision. This morning she began having symptoms in her other eye. Her regular doc was too busy to see her today, but she is seeing an eye doc tomorrow. The treatment for optic neuritus is IV steroids, then oral steroids in hopes that they can stop the problem from going any further.

I actually dread the thought of her going blind again. Last time I had to go to her house everyday to help her out. As of right now I go to her house at least 4 times a week to help her out and give her her MS shot. But while she was blind I had to do all her house chores, cook for her, etc. It can get very draining. Doing this all with a 2 yr old, a hospitalized grandfather, and a failing marriage is very hard.

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control......there's just too much stress right now. I need to de-stress and I dont know how.

Mood: depressed, stressed
Listening to: Blue's Clue

Well it's been awhile since I have posted. Alot has happened in my life- my mom was put in the hospital for DVT (bloodclots), when she got out my grandpa went in X-mas morning and ended up having to have emergancy surgery. He is still in the hospital because his recovery isnt going so well. The above issues have really been stressful for me.

In the meantime I have been looking for another place for me and my daughter to move to. My husband is very pissed off at me, says I am going to ruin our daughters life by leaving him. But he doesnt understand that if I stay then she will grow up with a warped idea of what a marriage is - mommy sleeping on the couch, daddy having his own bedroom, mommy always being depressed, daddy demanding sex, mommy never having money because daddy controls the money, etc. He got really pissed when I said that I may have to put her in daycare for alittle while so I can get a job. He said I'd fail at trying to be on my own. He said he didnt want to be a "part-time" dad, but he doesnt understand that is what he is right now....he really only spends time with her on the weekends right now. He leaves for work before she wakes up and he usually gets home either a half hour before she goes to bed or after she is already in bed.

He tried bargaining with me at one point, telling me I can stay in this shit-hole for as long as I need. But I have been looking around and think I may have found a place for us. I am so tired of being in this rut and being so depressed. I think I have always tired to place my happiness in other peoples hands - wanting them to make me happy. It never worked. So now I am taking my happiness into my whole hands. I have to make myself happy. And I am now finally trying to.