Listening to: Hum of the fishtank
I had a depressing weekend. I went to one wedding and two baby showers. You may wonder - "How could such joyous events be depressing?" Let me explain:
THE WEDDING: I went to the wedding with my mother as my date (dont get me wrong, my mom is usually a great date- she puts out!LMAO). Where was my husband? At home - he hates going to weddings, especially ones where he hardly knows anyone. The wedding depressed me because it hurt to see this couple so happy and so sure that they were going to make it work, that they were going to bet the odds. I remember feeling that way - I remember thinking that I was going to love this man for the rest of me life, that we were going to grow old together, that I would make sure it worked. Boy was I wrong. Now I just want it all to end. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself, I lost my happiness, my freedom, and most of my sanity.
He isn't the man I thought he was. I thought when our daughter was born, he would grow up and change. He didn't. I should have known better. I never thought to myself "Oh I will change him", I never thought that. But I did think that he would change for the better after she was born. But he sees nothing wrong with himself and the way he is, so he won't change. He is still in "boyfriend" mode most of the time and I think he should be in "daddy" and "provider" mode. He is also very selfish, he comes first. He says this is because he is a middle child and noone ever thought about him. I say it's all bullshit now - our daughter should come first no matter what. I give up having things all time, so that she can have something. That is what a parent is suppose to do.
I should have seen the signs and ran in the other direction. But I didn't. I was stupid, I was looking for someone to love me and I thought he was it. So noone is to blame for my unhappiness but myself. I was the stupid one. I should have known better.
The wedding also depressed me because it was so beautiful. I had always dreamed of having a big wedding - a beautiful white dress, flowers everywhere, all my friends and family, music, and dancing, etc. Instead I got married in a hallway of a court house wearing sneakers. He wore jeans. None of my family or friends were there. I settled for what he wanted and now I regret it.
THE BABY SHOWERS: Usually baby showers excite me. A new life is coming into this world - it's a time for celebration. But this weekend I didnt feel like celebrating. I was already depressed over the wedding and the fact that my son should have been turning three. One shower was for a family friend, lets call her J and the other was for my cousin, lets call her M.
I haven't seen M in three years, last time was at her step-dad's funeral. She is 3 years younger then me. M is single, the baby's daddy wants nothing to do with her or the baby. M never graduated from high school. Her baby shower was at a bar, people were actually smoking and drinking at her shower. I didn't think it was right, but then again - it wasnt my shower. So I didn't stay long, since I had another shower to get to.
Over at the other shower, the mother of the pregnant girl treated this baby shower more like a wedding. It was at a fancy hall, it was catered, there was place cards, big flower center pieces, and there was a microphone involved. J is also single and just graduated high school. She is a partier and has had a few run-ins with the police.
I wish both girls the best of luck in their lives and I hope they do whats right for their babies. But sometimes it is so hard for me to see these girls get pregnant so easily and act like having a baby isn't a life changing event. Since I was a little girl - I wanted to have a big family. I have always felt like being a mother was the most important job in the world. I guess it's just hard for me because I want more children and there is a 95% chance I will never have anymore. I have people tell me all the time that I should be grateful I have my daughter and to "move on". I AM gratefull for my daughter, she is my whole reason for living, but thats doesnt mean that there is a part of me that wishes and longs for more children. I want her to have siblings. She doesn't have any cousins and doubt she will anytime in the near future.
So needless to say my weekend made me very depressed. The weather is not helping at all either. <SIGH>