My Life of Insanity

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Dora the explorer

My two year old daughter has cabin fever. She is driving me nuts! We do not have a big house, it's actually a tiny townhouse. So we do not have much room to roam. And our living room is pretty much full of her toys. She spent some time outside this weekend playing in the snow and she loved it, so now every morning when she wakes up, she looks out her window and says "snow?"

The problem is after we got dumped with all the snow it started raining here. The rain turned into a sheet of ice on top of the 2ft of snow. It is freezing here and she shouldnt stay outside more then 10 - 15 mins. Her face will be beat red, I'll be dragging her into the house and she screams the whole time. She DOES NOT want to be in the house! Then I have to fight her to get her snowsuit off.

I understand her amazement of the snow. It is so different and cool to her. But being her mother, I have to be the bad person because I make her come back into the warm house.

So her cabin fever is kicking in full force today. She has been trying to climb the tv stand. She took all her videos off the shelf and threw them around the living room, walking on top of them. She has dumped every single toy bin she has. She thought it was fun to throw a baseball at me. She has been cranky and crabby, whining most of the day. She has dumped her juice cup four times today. And most of that was before noon.

I need a drink.

Mood: crabby
Listening to: snoop dog on Leno

Guess what I have figured out?

I actually hate people. Just random people in general.

I think it's come down to the fact that I over analize everybody and everything. And when I come across a person that I dont understand or could really care less about understanding - it starts to drive me insane. People in general have become much more complex over the last decade. We all have issues, some more then others (like me).

Why can't people just be more upfront about their thoughts and their feelings? And why is that when someone is actually upfront, they are labeled a "bitch" or an "asshole"? Why can't we, as a society, just accept that these are their feelings and thoughts?

I don't know, maybe I am just pms'ing and in a bad mood right now. I am just so darn tired and run down. I need a vaction....somewhere warm and sunny without my phone ringing off the hook.......

Mood: Lost
Listening to: Hum of the heater

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. The "old" me would have been fighting it all tooth and nail. But this "new" me is just kinda hanging on, hoping she doesn't fall off.

I went to see my grandpa yesterday. He hadn't gotten out of bed all day, but he was excited to see me and we talked for alittle while. I went back today to bring him some things he was asking for. It was a completely different man who laid in that bed. He wasn't my grandpa. He was very distant, his eyes were glazed over, he didnt even seem to know I was there half the time. He looked "washed-out" - his skin the same color as his white hair. He barely moved the whole time I was there. He didn't even crack a smile when I showed him the stuffed pig my daughter had picked out for him. He didn't protest to the flowers I arranged on his window sill. That wasnt my grandpa.

I felt his life slipping away. It's slipping slowly, but it is slipping away. I can tell he has given up. He looks so fragile - he has lost over 20lbs since he went into the hospital on x-mas day. Tears filled my eyes as I walked all the way to my car and the tears stung so much. It was only 6 degrees outside.

In other news: Back in June my mom went blind in her right eye. It's call optic neritus (sp?). It has to do with her MS. She had complete blindness in the eye for over a month, but slowly some sight came back. She can't see colors in that eye anymore and has limited vision. This morning she began having symptoms in her other eye. Her regular doc was too busy to see her today, but she is seeing an eye doc tomorrow. The treatment for optic neuritus is IV steroids, then oral steroids in hopes that they can stop the problem from going any further.

I actually dread the thought of her going blind again. Last time I had to go to her house everyday to help her out. As of right now I go to her house at least 4 times a week to help her out and give her her MS shot. But while she was blind I had to do all her house chores, cook for her, etc. It can get very draining. Doing this all with a 2 yr old, a hospitalized grandfather, and a failing marriage is very hard.

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control......there's just too much stress right now. I need to de-stress and I dont know how.

Mood: depressed, stressed
Listening to: Blue's Clue

Well it's been awhile since I have posted. Alot has happened in my life- my mom was put in the hospital for DVT (bloodclots), when she got out my grandpa went in X-mas morning and ended up having to have emergancy surgery. He is still in the hospital because his recovery isnt going so well. The above issues have really been stressful for me.

In the meantime I have been looking for another place for me and my daughter to move to. My husband is very pissed off at me, says I am going to ruin our daughters life by leaving him. But he doesnt understand that if I stay then she will grow up with a warped idea of what a marriage is - mommy sleeping on the couch, daddy having his own bedroom, mommy always being depressed, daddy demanding sex, mommy never having money because daddy controls the money, etc. He got really pissed when I said that I may have to put her in daycare for alittle while so I can get a job. He said I'd fail at trying to be on my own. He said he didnt want to be a "part-time" dad, but he doesnt understand that is what he is right now....he really only spends time with her on the weekends right now. He leaves for work before she wakes up and he usually gets home either a half hour before she goes to bed or after she is already in bed.

He tried bargaining with me at one point, telling me I can stay in this shit-hole for as long as I need. But I have been looking around and think I may have found a place for us. I am so tired of being in this rut and being so depressed. I think I have always tired to place my happiness in other peoples hands - wanting them to make me happy. It never worked. So now I am taking my happiness into my whole hands. I have to make myself happy. And I am now finally trying to.

Mood: depressed
Listening to: cartoons

So since I have been having such a strong dislike for my husband, a couple times a week -later in the evenings I tend to go have coffee at a local 24hr diner. I figure all he is gonna do is sit around in his underwear watching TV and then go to bed and if I stay around we fight and fight. So I might as well get some quiet time.

In the last couple of weeks a certain guy as came over to my table, keeping me company. We have known each other for awhile now, but never REALLY knew each other. We use to work together. He is 9 yrs older then I am. And he has decided that he is in love with me. Of course I laughed at him when he said this....I mean come-on!! We hardly know each other and I am still legally married. He says he knows how he feels and this is what he feels - he loves me, wants to be with me forever, etc.....the whole nine yards.

I don't know what to do. I have told him it's wrong and we aren't right for each other. A relationship couldnt work, etc. But deep down inside I am falling in love with him. He seems like he would cherish me, care for me, make me laugh, build a family, give me freedom. But I have to build those walls around my heart, I have to make them thick and strong. I can't let him in. I will just get hurt in the end like I have every other time.

I guess I said some harsh things to him last night, trying to get him to back away. He said I was being cold and that he didn't like it. He said he didn't understand why I was acting that way. Then he said I didn't know what love was. I think he's right. I loved my husband at one point, now I can't stand to be around him. How fucked up is that?!? Love is a stupid thing anyway - it clouds your vision, u only see things u want to see about the person, u tend to ignore the bad parts, but then later on those bad parts come at you and u are lost, not knowing what to do.

I didn't want to hurt him, that was never my intention. But it seems that I am always hurting someone somehow. I hope he gets over it and moves on. I know he can find someone out there that can give him everything that he needs and wants. I am just not that person. I am broken.

Mood: hurt

It has been a week since I have last written. There are many reasons for this, actually too many to explain. But there has been one thing that has been driving me crazy, giving me sleepless nights, and making me dig deep into my soul.

Last year I kicked my husband out of our house, it lasted for just over a month. I couldn't stand the sight of him. He drove me crazy. I would try my hardest to dig down deep and find some love for him, but would come up empty. We have now been married for 2 1/2 years. He gets on my nerves and irritates the hell out of me. I let him move back in because he promised to change (blah blah blah - i know) and I couldnt pay the rent and a babysitter at the same time. Things worked out at first but quickly went back to the same old shit.

Part of my problem with him is when our daughter was born he didnt go into "daddy-mode" like I thought he should. He would forget to put the side of her crib up, even when she was big enough to stand. He would leave BAD things laying around the house that she could get. Even now he does rude things and says thinks like "she (our daughter) needs to figure out that life isn't easy and she wont always get what she wants"....he said this while he sucked on a sucker right next to her, not giving her any, as she screamed her head off. She has never even had a sucker before, but I share my food and snacks with her all day long, so she'll try different things. He wouldnt go in the other room and eat it and he wouldnt give her a taste. I thought it was all uncalled for.

Recently I have been planning a way for me and my daughter to move out and be on our own. I havent talked to my husband about this because #1 its the holiday season and I dont want to ruin everyones holiday #2 he kinda went nutty on me last year when i kicked him out and #3 I dont want him to fuck this up for me - which he will if he gets wind of this.

I dont want to be married to him anymore. I am not in love with him anymore. I am not happy. These feelings are not new, they have been around for awhile now. I have just been so scared to be out there on my own. But I need this, I need to make a better life for my daughter and myself. She is going to grow up thinking marriage is hell if we stay like this. And she will learn some very rude and uncaring behavior from him. She will know that mommy sleeps on the couch and daddy sleeps in the bedroom and she'll grow up thinking this is normal. She will think it's ok for the husband to control everything the wife does and everywhere she goes. Thats its ok for him to call everyone under the sun because his home phone is busy or to call his wife constantly to make sure she says shes at where she says she was going.

Anyway, I am trying to say I cant live like this anymore. He says he doesnt want to change the way he is because he sees nothing wrong with it. I never tried to change him, I thought it would come with age - it hasnt. I offered therapy - he said no. We havent had sex in almost two months and only then because I was drunk. I dont want to have sex with him, I'm not attracted to him, I don't enjoy it.

To be continued.......

Mood: Depressed
Listening to: Hum of the fishtank

I had a depressing weekend. I went to one wedding and two baby showers. You may wonder - "How could such joyous events be depressing?" Let me explain:

THE WEDDING: I went to the wedding with my mother as my date (dont get me wrong, my mom is usually a great date- she puts out!LMAO). Where was my husband? At home - he hates going to weddings, especially ones where he hardly knows anyone. The wedding depressed me because it hurt to see this couple so happy and so sure that they were going to make it work, that they were going to bet the odds. I remember feeling that way - I remember thinking that I was going to love this man for the rest of me life, that we were going to grow old together, that I would make sure it worked. Boy was I wrong. Now I just want it all to end. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself, I lost my happiness, my freedom, and most of my sanity.

He isn't the man I thought he was. I thought when our daughter was born, he would grow up and change. He didn't. I should have known better. I never thought to myself "Oh I will change him", I never thought that. But I did think that he would change for the better after she was born. But he sees nothing wrong with himself and the way he is, so he won't change. He is still in "boyfriend" mode most of the time and I think he should be in "daddy" and "provider" mode. He is also very selfish, he comes first. He says this is because he is a middle child and noone ever thought about him. I say it's all bullshit now - our daughter should come first no matter what. I give up having things all time, so that she can have something. That is what a parent is suppose to do.

I should have seen the signs and ran in the other direction. But I didn't. I was stupid, I was looking for someone to love me and I thought he was it. So noone is to blame for my unhappiness but myself. I was the stupid one. I should have known better.

The wedding also depressed me because it was so beautiful. I had always dreamed of having a big wedding - a beautiful white dress, flowers everywhere, all my friends and family, music, and dancing, etc. Instead I got married in a hallway of a court house wearing sneakers. He wore jeans. None of my family or friends were there. I settled for what he wanted and now I regret it.

THE BABY SHOWERS: Usually baby showers excite me. A new life is coming into this world - it's a time for celebration. But this weekend I didnt feel like celebrating. I was already depressed over the wedding and the fact that my son should have been turning three. One shower was for a family friend, lets call her J and the other was for my cousin, lets call her M.

I haven't seen M in three years, last time was at her step-dad's funeral. She is 3 years younger then me. M is single, the baby's daddy wants nothing to do with her or the baby. M never graduated from high school. Her baby shower was at a bar, people were actually smoking and drinking at her shower. I didn't think it was right, but then again - it wasnt my shower. So I didn't stay long, since I had another shower to get to.

Over at the other shower, the mother of the pregnant girl treated this baby shower more like a wedding. It was at a fancy hall, it was catered, there was place cards, big flower center pieces, and there was a microphone involved. J is also single and just graduated high school. She is a partier and has had a few run-ins with the police.

I wish both girls the best of luck in their lives and I hope they do whats right for their babies. But sometimes it is so hard for me to see these girls get pregnant so easily and act like having a baby isn't a life changing event. Since I was a little girl - I wanted to have a big family. I have always felt like being a mother was the most important job in the world. I guess it's just hard for me because I want more children and there is a 95% chance I will never have anymore. I have people tell me all the time that I should be grateful I have my daughter and to "move on". I AM gratefull for my daughter, she is my whole reason for living, but thats doesnt mean that there is a part of me that wishes and longs for more children. I want her to have siblings. She doesn't have any cousins and doubt she will anytime in the near future.

So needless to say my weekend made me very depressed. The weather is not helping at all either. <SIGH>

It is very cold and damp today. The sun only came out for a moment of two earlier. It seems that the weather and my mood have gotten together and decided to mirrior each other. I am cold, I want to crawl under the covers and sleep the winter away (like a bear), I feel dark and lonely.

My daughter will hopefully not have my seasonal depression. Today she has been dressed up in her princess costume, coloring, building towers, watching Cinderella & Beauty and the Beast, throwing matchbox cars across the room as if they could fly, and dancing. She is so energetic. She made me get off my ass earlier and paint her nails a bright pink.

My face is still throbbing and the pressure is killing me. I dug up the meds that I took during my last sinus infection and have begun to take them. I was really hoping this pressure was just because of the weather change, but it's not.

Mood: tired, weepy, & in pain
Listening to: fish tank

Does anyone know if they serve cake in Heaven??

Three years ago I lost my son. He should have been turning three this week and I should be throwing him a birthday party. But for some god-forsaken reason I lost him when I was 4 months pregnant. One minute he was there and the next he was gone. I nearly died with him, but the doc's saved me. I wanted to die so I could see his beautiful face.

Some days I believe in Heaven and on those days I like to believe that my dad is taking care of his grandson, watching over him, playing with him, feeding him cake on his birthday. In the past three years I never celebrated my son's due date, it was too painful. But someone recently told me that I should try, not sure how I feel about it yet. However, for the last three years I have done something special in remembrance of him on the day he died. This last year I took my daughter down to the river and we let two balloons go. She picked out a cute baby Mickey & Minnie balloon and I picked out a sports themed birthday balloon.

It is still very painful for me. I have heard that it gets easier as time goes by, but I don't know if I want it to get easier. It's hard enough because most of the people around me have already forgotten about him. Or they never really thought of him as "real" in the first place because they never got to hold him. And then there are those who think I should just forget about him and move on because I have my daughter now. As if I could replace my son!

Anyway, I just wanted to send a birthday wish out to my son. I love u and miss u. xoxoxoxoxo

Mood: Ouch, ohhhh, ooowwwww

I am in a ton of pain right now. Yesterday evening my daughter, who is two, didn't want me to fix her hair. She was sitting on my lap as I tried untangling her curls. With every intention of hurting me, she slammed her head backward into my face. At the time it seemed like I only had a bloody lip, the whole inside of my top lip was bloody from hitting my teeth. And stupid me tried to drink a cup of coffee later that night.

But I woke up this morning with the whole right side of my face throbbing. As my tounge went to investgate, tears began forming in my eyes - one of my teeth has crumbled, leaving a wonderous nerve exposed. I am assuming my daughters headbutt cracked my tooth and as I was sleeping I was grinding my teeth which lead to the crumbling. Needless to say - I am in pain!! Luckily my mother has an endless supply of pain killers.

I am terrified of going to the dentist. I havent been in two years. And last time I went, I had to have a tooth pulled because I had a tooth infection which was very painful. Let me explain something: when my mom was pregnant with me she was on an acne medication that you aren't suppose to take while pregnant. At the time the wonderful medical profession didn't know the side effects on unborn children. Now they prescribe birthcontrol when they prescribe this certain type of medication - thats how bad the side effects can be.

I was somewhat lucky, my only main side effect has to do with my teeth (it could have been alot worse). I have extremely soft teeth and they are very discolored, even my baby teeth were discolored. I have had a total of three full sets of teeth (one baby set and two adult sets) and I am on my second set of wisdom teeth (had my first ones pulled when I was 16).  I wore braces for 6 years straight, not those cool kind either. They were big and metal. I had the dentist from hell. She was this tiny Chinese woman, who swore I couldnt feel anything when in deed I could feel the pain. I think she enjoyed making me cry. Now as an adult I try to take care of my teeth as much as possible without having to actually see a dentist.

Younger dentists treat me like it is all my fault my teeth are so horrible (yeah I smoke and drink tea/coffee - so I am not helping the discoloring). They try to give me root canals, when I just want the tooth pulled. They try to talk me into getting braces again, etc. Older dentists want to study me! LOL! They usually want me to go over to the local college and let the students play with my mouth - at my expense of course. Like I want a bunch of STUDENTS poking me and making comments about the decay and crumbling state of my mouth. I already feel horrible enough about the way they look!

I really just want them all pulled and to get dentures. But since my second set of wisdom teeth are impacted - I need oral surgery and I don't have dental insurance currently. So I am currently shit-out-of-luck.

Ok I think I need to go take another pain pill...............