Planet Nergeedor

I'm on the verge of a complete emotional collapse and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to pull myself together again. I'm trying to push everything back down but...I don't know, the past couple of weeks have been rough, it's the holidays and things that I'm dealing with right now. Everything is coming down on me all at once, the last time things were crazy like this It took me two years to get back some sort of livable life. ..

 

Whenever I start to try and do the things I want to do and things seem like they're gonna work out "this time" I get completely blind-sided by unimaginable things. I can't figure out why I even bother. I've tried so many times to walk away from certain things but I just feel drawn to them, like entertainment...It actually haunts me when I give it up, it calls me. I can't explain it...I've tried very hard to get to a point where I don't feel like something is missing, being alone, but something is always there in the back of my mind. It's seems as though everything that I want is out of reach and when it's almost in my reach, bam...another crisis, another drama, another set back in my life. I wait for things to calm down and just when I think it's safe for me to do what I need to do, something else smacks me in the face, without warning. I can't stand it when people walk around pretending that they care about me and then as soon as they get some "juicy" gossip they run around to talk about it. I'm tired of everything...I've tried therapy and the bitch would just sit there and look at me! I'm like "Hello. Advise me!" I've tried and tried and tried and even on the rare occasions when things work out for me I'm still not happy, I don't think anything will ever satisfy me. The way I see it: You're born. You Live. You die. It doesn't matter what happened in between... And in the end the only thing that is going to matter to anyone who knows me is "Who's paying for the funeral?"...And I've been told that, let me quote exactly:

 

me: I don't need insurance because I don't have kids

person: Well how are we gonna bury you when you die?

 

I plan on out living all of these mother fuckers just to prove a point, if I should happen to die before them, be assured that I will be haunting their asses and having a dandy time doing it...

 

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm in a complete state of, I don't know...I'm disappointed about life, if this is all there is for me...I don't even want to think about that possibility...

 

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'll be fine after I get some rest. I'll feel better tomorrow.