Planet Nergeedor

It's hilarious that hair weaves and extensions are being advertised on my blog. I have natural hair. That means, no weaves, no extensions, no relaxers.

-----------------------------------------------------

I can't believe the stupidity of movie studios! They think that little kids are the ones who are into SCI FI films when the fact of the matter is, the people who are watching the movies are mostly adults. Then they wonder why no one is going to the theaters. I don't go to movies that are PG 13 because I don't want to deal with other people's brats. I mean, if you think about Aeon Flux, that TV show was on when I was a teenager, and at 3 am on Adult Swim last year, and yet they market the movie to people who were two or three years old at the time the show aired. On what planet does that make sense?

-----------------------------------------------------

I couldn't sleep, my neighbor finally turns down that shit that he calls music, I finally fall asleep and then bam.. a police chase. I hate this neighbor hood. I've got a psychotic neighbor...it's just annoying.

------------------------------------------------------

I watched 'WiseGirls' again, this movie cracks me up "I spit on your soul" Ha-Ha. Funny stuff. Oh and when Raychel is all "I've got my fingers up this guys freaking nasal passages and I'm thinking that's enough for one night. YOU DO IT!" ...I remember when it first came out and I was pissed off because I couldn't find it anywhere so I had to wait for the rental store to sell their copies. That's why I always go there at opening time, so I can get my hands on stuff before other people get there. I used to go to a different store but they lost their minds and started charging nearly 7 dollars for new releases, for that price I might as well go to the movies.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm feeling really bad, I'm forcing myself to sit up right now, but I wish I were back in bed. I hate outside noises waking me up, it'll take me hours to fall back asleep. I've always been like this though. I've never slept well. Not even as a child.

 

 I wish we had a pool, I'd go swimming right now. It's been such a long time since I went swimming, I mean years. This is probably why I have so many problems, I'm a Pisces, I need to be near water and in water. I can't even take a bath, we only have a shower, which is better than nothing, but you know, I really like to get my bubble bath on. Haven't done that in years also.

 

My teeth are really bothering me, they're 'on edge' and my jaws are aching. My ears were so bad earlier that I just laid in bed for three hours, doing nothing. And I'm still very dizzy. I just feel crappy all the way around. The new medication that my neurologist started me on, was working well, but now either, I've gotten worse or my body has gotten (I can't even think of the word, thank God I've got an appointment coming up.) accustomed to the new med. He can't up my dose because I can't afford it, without insurance, it was 280 dollars for a months supply, with insurance it's 60, but my coverage will end before the next period so I'll be stuck trying to pay for it again. I despise people who jack up the prices of medication when they know very well that they are making a  profit, beyond human decency. Fucking assholes. This is why poor people die young. And what choice do I have, take the cheap crap that doesn't work for me and constantly wake up on the floor or take expensive crap and wake up on the floor a little less often? I mean because all it does really is lessen the headaches, which I'm tankful for because they can be horrible at times...

 

This is why I refuse to take any medication unless a doctor can show me a test that proves that I need it. Well, okay so I need to be on medication for my heart and all, but the symptoms aren't bad enough for me to get stressed out about how I'm going to pay for it. When my heart stops beating all together then, if I'm revived, I'll consider getting on medication for that. I've had more than one doc ask me why I don't take the medications they prescribe and I'm all "because medications treat the symptoms not the cause, and if it gets bad enough, crack is cheaper"... They get pissed off, because what can they say to that? 

 

My previous dentist would try and get me to take pain killers and I would never do it and I hear her talking to her assistant "She's a strong girl" She thought I was a teenager, I don't know why, because I don't look like a teenager. Well, okay, I still get carded sometimes but that ain't the point. (This was last year, but people always see me as being a little kid because, I'm quiet and my voice is soft. I had to get an attitude with some chick who called here yesterday because she thought I was a little kid. Speaking of the telephone...)  

 

I hate the telephone! I don't have the patience to deal with the fools on the other end. People call and say "Can you speak up, I can't hear you, is your mommy home?" I will hang up on anyone, I don't care who it is. If Jesus called and didn't get to his point quick enough, I'd hang up on him too. Ha-Ha. And those damned telemarketers, well, lets just say that they don't call me more than once. Most people stay on the phone with them explaining over and over again why they don't want to buy their product, me on the other hand, I don't let them get their little sales pitch out. I talk over them. Sometimes if I'm bored I pretend to be crazy (not like I have to do much with that one. Ha-Ha) or I try and sell them stuff, and the weird thing is some of them are all "You have a very sexy voice. You're very funny. Can I call you sometime, maybe we can go out"? I opted out, but I guess I'll have to do it again since I got the call yesterday. Other than that, the only people who call me are wrong numbers, doctors, and people who have something to say to me but are afraid to say it, so they call from different numbers like I don't know it's them, but whatever. And the only people I call are doctor's offices. So if you're just regular Joe Schmoe and I call you, you should feel honored, to say the least. I just figure that if someone wants to talk to me they know where I am, but the problem with that is, I rarely answer the phone! Ha-Ha. A few people from my past were wise and would send me emails that would say things like "I'm going to call you tomorrow at 6:30. Please answer the damn phone." A few months ago I finally checked my voice mail and my sister is on there three times:

 

message 1 from sis: (slightly annoyed) "I'm calling to talk to you but you won't answer the phone."

 

message 2 from sis: (angry) "ANSWER THE PHONE"!

 

message 3 from sis: (calm) "Why do you even have a phone?" 

 

I cracked up on message 3.

 

 

------------------------------------------------------

I've got to go. I've been rambling for quite some time now... Hmm, what's wrong with you? Why do you even read this nonsense? Ha-Ha! 

Recent movies:

 

Cyber Wars-- was entertaining, I felt like I was watching a "made for tv" version of The Matrix.

 

Tristan & Isolde -- Rufus Sewell was in it so you know, at the very least, I would like his parts. It was a good film. Lots of fighting and all that good stuff.

 

A History Of Violence-- fun movie, slow on some parts, and I could not stop laughing when the brother was all "How could you fuck this up? HOW COULD YOU FUCK THIS UP? very funny.

 

Cronicas-- This was a really good movie. It makes you think about how certain reporters are always the first ones at the scene of a crime. People always laugh at me because I like John Leguizamo, I don't care what any one thinks, I think he's a very good actor.

 

I watched Aeon Flux again, they did a really good job. Now I want to watch some of animated episodes.

-------------------------------------------

I worked on my book a little today, didn't get much done. I forgot to go to sleep so I had a terrible headache, and didn't realize "Hey dummy, go to sleep and your head will feel better." I felt much better after a little nap. I had a dream that was so amazing, I'm not going to tell you about, because it will soon become a screen play. I can tell you about one part of the dream. I had this huge house (FYI I'd never buy a house that big) anyway, I wanted to get into a hot tub so I took my clothes off and this guy is all "wow you look so good mamma, yeah, look at those thighs" so I look down at myself and I get embarrassed because I have on some torn-up panties. I run into the house and I look in my closet and there are two bikinis there and I'm upset because I had more and some girls took the rest and hid them, so I end up trying on the two that I didn't like but magically the two in the closet changed every time I tried a different one on. So I finally have on one that I like and I go get into the pool and some basket ball player is there and then it went into the dream I ain't telling ya' about.

----------------------------------------------

I'm going to go to bed now, feeling very dizzy.

I was not going to write an entry today, but I'm so, I can't even think of a word to describe what I feel right now. Every member of my family is so completely self absorbed and conceited that they think everything is about them. I get depressed and  my mother gives me some bullshit ass letter saying "sorry I get on your nerves, sorry I was a bad mother, I'm sorry you have a bad life. Sorry we're poor" I can't even tell you how much it pisses me off. I mean sorry dear Mom, you are not the center of my universe. If I'm upset, though it seems implausible, it might have absolutely nothing to do with you. She thinks EVERYTHING is about her. We were in a store a few weeks back and these two ladies were speaking in Spanish as they walked by us and my mother gets all loud and says "It's very funny that people speak in other languages when they talk about people, how do they know that Americans don't speak other languages?" Well, she doesn't speak any other languages. I went off on her in the store right in front of the ladies because I heard what the ladies said. I'm all "That lady is talking about her son and just because she isn't speaking English does not mean that she is not American," and then the woman who claims she gave birth to me changes her tune and says "Well, I didn't say they were talking about me." I give her one of my looks and I reply "You thought they were talking about you, because you think everything is about, that's why you were talking loud enough so they could hear you." And the store clerk is looking at us grinning, I assume she speaks Spanish and heard the ladies too. This is how every one I know acts. In their heads the sun does not rise until they do. I have to get the fuck out of this city, I have to go some where that's only accessible by plane because only a few of them will fly. People keep asking other relatives "Why doesn't she like us? Do you give her the gifts I give her?" I can't believe that the same people who told me over and over again when I was a child that their kids are better than me and are going to do great things and I'm going to end up a welfare mother on crack. That I'm ugly, and stupid and no man will ever want me...and they don't know why I won't have anything to do with them? Oh that's right they went to church and God has forgiven them, and blood is thicker than water and I should give them all of my love and affection and buy them gifts and go to their parties, because now they want me around. How nice of them to kindly allow me into their precious hearts. I tried when I was younger to have a relationship with most of them and they still do the same exact things only now, they say shit under their breaths. I cut any emotional ties to them long ago and too bad for them that they want it back now after I have adapted myself to not needing or wanting them. People always tell me that family is the most important thing in life and that is not true at all. Family are people who are connected to you by DNA and marriage and nothing else. That whole blood is thicker than water crap, is just that, crap. That's what people say as to explain to other people why they allow mean, hateful, jealous, abusive, back stabbing people back into their lives. The only thing that is needed in life is food, water, and oxygen. Everything else is just wants and you can live without things that you want. "God has forgiven you for all your sins..." I'm sure God has, good for you, congratulations, but you all need to stop asking for my forgiveness, because guess what? There is nothing for me to forgive, I know this might shock you but I got over this whole family thing long ago. You're the ones still stuck in the past, and that's exactly what I am, a small insignificant part of your past. Get over it. I did.

So I did what I always do when I get depressed. I took all the money I had a rented six movies, so far I've watched 2.

 

Aeon Flux-- I loved the animated show, and when I heard that Charlize Theron was cast as Aeon, I was all "What the hell?" Then when I saw some clips from the movie I was shocked, because CT had the look and the movements. I was wondering how the hell they were going to translate the show into the movie, because if you've seen the show you know that it's a little 'out there.' Anyway to get to my point, the movie was amazing, so many things reminded me of the show, I can't explain. It just rocked, hard core! Ha-Ha.

 

The Gospel-- So this movie is about church and God, blah, blah, blah. It was okay, but you know the message of the movie didn't get through to me because at the beginning they showed Boris Kodjoe shirtless. It's hard enough to concentrate on a movie when he's fully clothe, but shirtless? Are they trying to kill me? (sorry for lusting after your man Nicole. Ha-Ha!)

--------------------------------------------------

Oh yeah, the peanut butter, oreo cheesecake was (notice the word was) so good. Mmm Yummy.

------------------------------------------------

I wrote a lot last night, songs not my book (you know this is just stupid, how long is it going to take for me to get it done)? Some good stuff came out, things I didn't know had hurt me ended up on paper. I honestly did not think my past had an impact on my life but it did... I can't talk about this right now.

------------------------------------------------------

I have to go and watch another movie. I'm a mess.

 

Today was a bad day. I keep thinking about people from my past, I don't know why. I keep thinking "I wonder is he/she ever thinks of me" and I know that no one from my past cared about me so why would they think about me? I'm not going to go into my life story right now, but there are only about 5 people that are no longer in my life who did not wrong me in anyway. Sometimes I wonder why those people are no longer in my life, a few moved away. One moved away, talked to me everyday while he was gone, moved back and never spoke to me again. I only found out he moved back because this is a small town and someone he knows said something that he always said and I was all "you sound like so-and-so." And he's all "HE'S MY BESTFRIEND!"...A few gave me their numbers, said to call anytime and when I would call they'd act like they were annoyed or they'd say that they were busy and would call me back. And they didn't call, and I stopped calling, who wants to talk to people who act like it's a chore to talk to you? I don't know why I'm thinking about all of this. Anyway today I was really down so I just decided to watch some old school MC videos. Oh man, I laughed so hard at the hair styles and clothes, not hers but people like Trey Lorenz, with the 3 braids hanging out of the hat...I could not stop laughing, but back then that was the style. I slept through 'Prison Break' again. The last time I slept this much was when I had pneumonia. This isn't normal, I can't stay awake for more that a few hours at a time. Maybe it's depression again.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm so sick of the news, it's like no wonder were all paranoid racists who are obsessed with celebrities, that's all the news shows, who got killed, who plotted to kill, who had a baby, who got divorced. I don't watch the news intentionally but when I'm flipping thorough the channels and I see some head line, I stop to see what's going on. The news is the reason that people think crime is worse now, when the fact is violence is actually less now. I only know this stuff because I'm really into history, but most people think the news is an accurate portrayal of what's going on around the world, when it's not. I mean most black people aren't criminals, but every single time I turn on the news there's a story about a black man committing a crime and there's a story about a white man saving a small child or animal. White men have done the most damage to me (as an adult) but I don't fear all White men and think that ALL white men are evil, and I don't cross the street when I see a group of white men. I wish everyone would realize that they are no different from someone just because they came out a little lighter or darker than the next person. How can you hate someone for something that they had nothing to do with? Humans claim to be on top of the food chain, but I don't. I don't even think we are on there at all, we've got our own chain, and humans of today are somewhere in between dumb-asses and idiots. Yeah, I feel better after my little rant. So no more news at all, for me again, I less stressed when I was doing that.

----------------------------------------------------

I woke up terrified but I don't remember what I dreamed about, must have been bad. My heart was pounding, I was all sweaty (don't go there), and I was shaking. I can deal with the weird dreams but I don't want the nightmares to start up again.

---------------------------------------------------

So I was watching Oprah and they were talking about how mothers pass on their emotional scars to their children in the womb and Oprah was all "thank Jesus, I don't have babies, they would be so messed up." And I'm all "if this shit is true, thank everything that is holy that I don't have kids, they'd be like those crazy bastards who keep trying to shoot up the schools."   It's funny that I saw that show, because I just said that I'm not having kids until I deal with my issues. Maybe this is a sign that I'm on the right track. Ha-Ha. Usualy I don't watch Oprah unless it's a fun type of episode. But this was interesting to watch.

-------------------------------------------------------

I've got to go, it's 3 am and I need to eat something before I pass out. The last thing I need right now is a keyboard shaped bruise on my forehead. I'm in a bad mood, so I'll read ya' when I'm feeling better. Be Good And Have Fun.

Sci-Fi showed the movie "Mammoth" last night. It was completely ridiculous and I loved every second of it, here's a few lines that cracked me up:

 

Dr. Frank: "What are you smoking? This is like the blind leading the stupid."

--

Dr. Frank: "If you gave her the weed, I will neuter you!"

--

Dr. Frank: "You are one, big, hairy, magnificent bastard"

--

Dr. Frank: "Dear God!"

Sheriff: "God is for Sunday, today we pray to Nike...RUN!"

--

I was amused, I love silly sci-fi movies!

--------------------------------------------

I don't know what is going on inside of my head but I dreamed about some weird things last night. First I was at an amusement park with Rachel Ray and Megan Good, then I'm in a grocery story buying cookies and cake and chips and candy. I see this guy that I went to school with and, next thing I know, were holding hands. I run out to the car with my sister (she appeared out of thin air), we cram into this car with two mob bosses. And I wake up at that point. I haven't seen that guy since I was about 16, so I have no clue as to why I would have a dream about him. I mean he never crosses my mind. Very weird. I wonder what I dream about when I can't remember my dreams?

 

I'm in a bookstore in a new city and a woman who weighs about 400 pounds, calls a woman who weighs about 500 pounds fat and I say to the 400 pound woman "You're fat too, how can you talk about someone else?" so she leaves and the next thing I know, the book police are giving me a ticket for using profanity in the book store. I tell them what I said and they just say "Well we have to give out one ticket a day, we've got quotas to fill. Sorry." Then I'm in an apartment and there's a guy in there, I think I was just visiting him, it didn't feel like I lived there, anyway. I start to put trash into a bag and my dog is a puppy again, she comes running through the door and jumps into the bag of food and takes a nap. (I have a picture of her on my wall, that is probably the reason I dreamed about her, she's the only person from my past that I miss, or that I will actually admit to missing!)

 

Then I dream that I'm an in apartment that I share with 2 girls and a guy. The guy goes into the bathroom, and the bathroom says "Oh Hell No!" So us three girls grab our purses and run out of the door because we know that the guy is going to stink up the whole house. I'm the last one out and I get sad because the girls didn't wait for me. I see them a few floors down sitting on the apartment steps, they are laughing, but I walk by them and pretend that I don't see them. As I walk one of the girls says, "Hey, we've been waiting for you." I feel better. We walk down the stairs and on the ground level there is (okay I'll explain what this stuff is later) "wacky foam" every where, we continue to walk and the pool is filled with foam that has been shaped into different animals. Next thing I know, I'm in an apartment with some guy that I moved to be with and he's getting dressed for some business event. I ask him not to go and he says he has to and it's for work. Suddenly were both at the event, It's very fancy. There's Champagne and caviar being served, all of the people are dressed in expensive clothes and they stare at me because I'm not dressed that way and I feel embarrassed. The guy I'm with makes a speech then a truck full of classic cars covered in gold are brought in. Someone wants to congratulate him and as they pull them away from me, I tell my boyfriend or husband (I'm not sure of the relationship) that I might leave to run some errands. Suddenly I'm at a gas station on the arm of some 19 year old kid and he's up set because he got a ticket, and there is a doctor there getting gas and he allowed the kid to put the ticket in his name and he says don't worry about it. I go back to the event where my boyfirend/husband is. The event is winding down and I am lit. I mean I was so drunk that I couldn't walk, so my boy/hus gets the waiter to take me and some drunk guy to the elevators. Then suddenly I'm laying in my bed and Jade from Top Model walks through the closed door and stands in front of the bed, she's dripping in blood and raises an object in her hand that she plans on killing me with.

 

 That dream both scared and saddened me. But I'm glad that I'm able to wake myself up. I never know what happens in dreams like that because my brain is always like "Oh hell, no! Girl wake up!" I dreamed about apartments because I've been looking for one. every thing else came out of left field. Ha-Ha. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid, and sometimes they're so generic that I don't even think about them. The past week I have no clue as to what I dreamed about, then a couple days ago I start having these vivid dreams, they aren't scary but I feel emotionally drained when I awake...

---

I just got an eerie feeling, like someone's watching me, it's kind of freaking me out! I looked behind me and there is no bloody Jade. Ha-Ha. Oh great, first bizarre dreams and now paranoia. I need some serious therapy.

 

(Wacky Foam is little beads of foam that stick together, it comes in different colors and it can be shaped into anything. It can be reused, but if you want, you can let it dry out to keep the shape. It's like new age PlayDough or something.)

-----------------------------------------------

I cooked dinner at 3 am. I made vegan gumbo with shrimp on the side, and a peanut butter and Oreo cheese cake. This is a new one for me, I'll let you know if it's nasty or not. Ha-Ha. Oreo has started making peanut butter Oreos, it's just not the same as dipping Oreos into peanut butter, which I've been doing for years. And by the way, when I say Oreo, I mean the store brand "chocolate sandwich cookies," they taste just like the name brand Oreo for 1 buck!

-------------------------------------------------

I'm sleepy but I can't sleep and I'm bored. I have a headache and I don't feel like doing anything. Maybe I'll have a Stargate marathon. Yeah that sounds good. I'll start with the old school original Stargate movie then slowly work my way towards Atlantis. This plan might change, maybe I'm more into a romantic-drama type of movie. Yeah, maybe I'll watch "Kama Sutra: A story of love" (It's not that kind of movie, so get your minds out of the gutter!). I like this movie because it's hard to decide whose side to take. Now when Myay gets spat on, I'm on Mya's side, but she knows she was wrong when she goes up to 'what's her name' and says "All my life I have had to take your used things, now I have used something of yours." But I understand how she felt and why she did it.

 

I can be so indecisive about what to watch or read but when it comes to big decisions, It's so easy for me to decide. I wonder why that is?

 

At about 6 am I watched Tomb Raider. Then I flipped through the channels for a bit. Which is probably the reason I have the head ache now. Anyway...

--------------------------------------------------

I woke up with that stupid song "Beep" (is the name I think) going through my head, so now I just keep singing "I don't give a  'bout you looking at my...however it goes.

--------------------------------------------------

Well...

There's this old movie that I used to watch a lot when I was a kid. It's called "Shocker" I think. There's this guy who gets sentenced to death and when they try and electrocute him he turns into this half dead maniac. So during the entire movie he walks around killing people, but something is wrong with one of his legs so he drags is behind him...Anyway I said all that just to say that, my foot went to sleep and I was walking around the house dragging my leg behind me and I guess I looked like Shocker. I think if you've seen the movie this will be funny to you.

----------------------------------------------------

I found an apartment for 250 a month. I suspect that the outside looks nice and the inside is probably similar to "Money Pit", when he gets stuck in the floor and is screaming and crying for help, oh man that is some funny stuff! ...I just can't afford a place of my own. I'm a very impatient person, I want what I want, when I want it. So it's very annoying that I still have not been able to get out of this hell hole. Things could always be worse though, right?

 

Whoa. I'm suddenly not feeling so hot. I'm really over this whole being sick bullshit.

Phil didn't hand Dubay his ass! I mean I don't think Dr. agreed with him, but he remained calmed and didn't tell Dubay that he's a jackass.

-----------------------------------------------------

I decided at 3:30 pm to take a nap, I awoke at 8:40 pm. Now that was a nap! I must have been tired because I didn't wake up or change positions at all. I feel a little weak though, maybe I should eat something. I'm hungry but I don't want anything right now. I could go for some "Tofutti Better Pecan" though ...Why do I always want what I don't have?

 

I don't know why I have these dreams but a lot of them end up as stories. My subconscious is a much better writer than I am. Ha-Ha. So anyway I dream that I'm in my room in the dark, everything is covered in dust. I look out of the window and see two planets in the sky, so I get my telescope and try and look at them but I can't see anything. Then I realize that the telescope is filled with garbage. I start to take the garbage out, there was pieces of paper, a roll of tape and (the weirdest thing) a Barbie doll hand. When I'm finished, I look at the two planets and they are made of different colors of yarn. Then I move the telescope and I see the moon and it's huge and blood red. I drop the telescope and the moon is right next to me and it scared me.

 

Then I'm at a hotel trying to get in, but there are reporters everywhere. I'm with a woman (I don't know who she was) we hand him our tickets and he says that we can't get in because the tickets are for another place and that we have to pay. So I tell him that the commercial said it was free and I want to speak to his boss, because that is misleading. I go off "I read the fine print and it does not say anything about paying."

 

Then suddenly I'm in a desert and there is a dead horse on the ground and it's covered with these weird sores that look like Canadian Bacon. I turn into a cartoon and then there are five women around me and they turn into cartoons too.

 

When I woke up "Miss Moon" was playing in my head over and over again.

----------------------------------------------------

I thought sleep was supposed to make you feel better, I'm so tired and exhausted.

-------------------------------------------------

I've gotten my biannual, record company scam letters! Yeah! WooHoo! Years ago I sent this record company some of my songs and since then twice a year they send me letters saying they want to buy my songs, but then the "contract" says I have to pay them money. Too bad for them that I actually know the business side of the music industry.

---------------------------------------------------

I gotta go, my tummy hurts (in my baby voice).

Oh hell yes! I HAVE to watch the next Dr. Phil. Matt Dubay(sp?) is going to be on there and from watching past shows I already know that Dr. Phil is going to hand Dubay his ass! And Robin might get her some too! Ha-Ha. I mean these are the types of men that I'm supposed to be dying to be with. If in fact the chick was lying and she knew she could get pregnant, he still can't do anything about it. You can't, not take care of your children because you got played! It's his fault for being stupid. And it's her fault for having sex with an idiot. Unless they signed a contract saying that any resulting children would be her responsibility, he is responsible. There was a time when a man would be ashamed that he didn't take care of his children, but now they're proud of it! "She tricked me" are you kidding me? He's full of shit. I've got an idea, if you don't want children then either don't have sex or get a vasectomy. Why is it the woman's job to protect you from having children? That's like girls who say "I got pregnant because he didn't use a condom." I'm all "you got pregnant because you didn't make him use a condom."  I don't know what the hell is wrong with people.

-----------------------------------------------------

I've gathered so much research material, I didn't realize how much stuff I had. Now I have to sit down with it all and write down the things that relate to my project. I know it will be a very long time before I'm done with this one. Anyway, you have no clue as to what I'm talking about, so talking about this is pointless.

--------------------------------------------------------

I was bored so I read my first entry ever. And it's hilarious, at the beginning of this whole blog experiment, I was so careful about what I said, so no one would figure out who I am and even if they did I could deny it. Now I just don't give a fuck. I still don't use my name, and I know people that I know read this, but it's like this. I don't give a fuck. There's nothing on here that I won't say to anyone's face. 

--------------------------------------------------------

My Sisters, My Sisters, My Sisters... Can you please put your clothes on. If you've got it, then you don't have to flaunt it! I think chicks who flaunt it are looking for reassurance that they've got it. 

 

My Brothers, My Brothers, My Brothers... If you don't like golddiggers then stop wearing expensive jewelry, name brand clothes, shoes, cars . It's like if you pour honey on yourself, sit on an ant hill and act shocked that ants are biting you. I say this all the time "If you fish with gold, you're going to catch goldfish."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Simple things exhaust me. I mean I take a shower and I have to rest afterwards because it takes so much energy. I keep clif bars in my room so I can't eat something if, I'm hungry and too weak to go to the kitchen. You have to understand that there was a time when I'd be in rehearsal, until all times of night, I went to school, worked and still had energy left. Now I'm just, okay I know I'm not lazy and this isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel lazy. I'll be so glad when all of this is over and I can go back to how I used to be. You don't know what you've got until it's gone! Wasn't that a song? 

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm writing this on lack of sleep, so if it sounds a little weird, well, more weird than usual, that's the reason. I did have a very bizarre dream, well, more bizarre that usual:

 

I'm in the bathroom and my eye doc, puts new contacts in my eyes, and they wont stay in because they are huge. They were bigger than my eyes, I don't know how they could possibly be in my eyes if they were bigger, anyway, I'm screaming that I can't see, The contacts fall out and I snap them together and they make a crystal ball and I say very calmly "Oh, I can see clearly now"

 

Then I wake up all freaked out. I don't get it. I have no clue as to why that scared me. It's not scary to me now, just when I was asleep.

-------------------------------------------------------

Let me take my ass to bed.

I can't sleep. I slept off and on yesterday, I'm feeling a little bad. I'm completely drained of energy, I'm probably anemic again.

-------------------------------

Recent movies:

 

Hostel --- I am so pissed off! It was so disappointing! Nothing new or innovative like "everyone" kept saying. It wasn't scary, was not even creepy in the least bit. It wasn't original, I mean I saw what's his name in the movie and now I know why he was in there, they used his style. I'm disgusted!

 

Fun With Dick and Jane -- didn't we just see a better version of this movie? Yeah, I think it was called 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith.' I've never been a Jim Carry fan, I just don't find him funny, but this movie was just a mess. A few things amused me, but when I rent a comedy I want to laugh hysterically, not just smile at things that are almost funny.

 

The Squid and The Whale -- What the fuck?

 

Movie makers think that their movies are doing poorly because of bootleggers and the fact of the matter is, There have always been bootleggers and there always will be. Stop putting out crap and you'll make money. It's that simple folks!

 

I heard that MC is doing another movie. I hope it's as fun as "WiseGirls" I love that movie, one of my favorite parts is Umberto and the Italian Bug Spray Commercial scene, that was some funny shit. Oh, and when they're trying to do CPR and they put the plastic wrap over the guys face to stop air from coming out of his nose and this fool says "He can't breathe through that fucking thing on his face." That scene would make a great Anti-Drug ad. Ha-Ha.

---------------------------------------------------

Well, I gotta stock up on hurricane supplies. I've got a few batteries but I need more and some bottled water and soup and spaghetti O's (because I love 'em cold)! This year I have to hide stuff because last year they repeatedly drank all the water! But they all claim it wasn't them. Oh' I suppose a thirsty ghost was in the house. Some people...

 

I know it's a little early but I don't like to wait until a Hurricane is on the coast and then run out to 15 different stores and come back with 2 bottles of water and a can of spam, because the stores are empty. Ha-Ha. I like to be prepared!

----------------------------------------------------

I'm not able to write anything right now. My book is light hearted and very funny, and right now I'm not capable of writing that way so I'm gonna switch over and work on my little project because right now I'm just doing as much research as I can, although it's science fiction I want it to be very accurate.

----------------------------------------------------

My mind will not allow me to remember. I mean I'll start to get little flashes of things and then my brain is all "Nope, I don't think so" First I flip out and get very angry then I go and watch a lot movies. I guess I'm not ready to deal with it all. I'm not going to have kids until I fix myself, because I refuse to screw up some innocent child. It's already more than enough screwed up people on the planet! And I refuse to add any more!

-----------------------

Well, that's all, I guess. Soon, very soon. I have been reading you, just didn't have anything to say. Be good and have fun!

I'm so tired of people blaming their behavior on having a bad child hood, the media. That is complete bullshit! I had a bad childhood and I don't murder, rape, steal,  or prostitute myself. Plenty of people had bad childhoods and they don't do those things. Take responsibility for your actions! If you do any of those things it's because you CHOSE to do it. No one told me that those things were wrong and not to do them, and still I don't do them. Why is that? I grew up in the very same environment that these people claim are the cause of their behavior, so what makes me different? The fact that I choose to be a decent person and not hurt people just because I can!

 

And then people who are in prison for doing those things complain about the condition of the prison. HELLO. You are not on vacation, you are being punished. It's not supposed to be fun! They should be damn glad that I don't run the prison system. Those motherfuckers would be outside, using outhouses, water hoses to bathe, and they'd eat pb&j. ...complaining that they have to eat potatoes! There are days when I would have gladly taken those potatoes.

--------------------------------------------

 

I don't understand how people don't know when I'm being serious and when I'm just joking around. It's so weird sometimes. People will come up to me and say, "you know I want to talk to you about what you said the other day" and I'm like "Huh, what are you talking about? JESUS! I was joking!"   ... does anyone get my sense of humor?

--------------------------------------------

I watched "Letters From Pegasus" again. This is one of my favorite Atlantis episodes for two reason: Beckett and McKay's messages home. When Ford tells Beckett he should say (this isn't exact)

 

Ford: I wish you were here?

Beckett: I wish who was here?

Ford: I don't know. Who do you wish was here?

Beckett: No one! son, I wish I wasn't bloody here!

 

And when Beckett tells his mom he loves her and starts crying, Oh man, funny stuff.

 

McKay was just a complete mess. "Gold" ha-ha.

 

I think that Ford is gonna be back. They're dropping little hints, or they could just be messing with us!

 

You know, I don't think I'd ever enter the "Get In The Gate" contest because, "if I'm going to be on SG-1 and Atlantis, I'd want lines!" Ha-Ha. Not to be greedy but, you know...Ha-Ha!

-----------------------------------------

I missed "Prison Break," I was asleep! Oh well, at least I got some sleep.

I haven't been feeling so good the past few days. Well, I never feel good, but I feel worse. I'm gonna go get back into bed, maybe I'll get my Stargate on (I think it's something seriously wrong with people who don't like these shows. Pure madness!). Be good and have fun. I''ll visit you in a few.

 

Well, the evil beast is upon us once again, yes my dear friends, I am talking about Psychotic Menstrual Syndrome more commonly known as PMS, lets see what I've done in the past few days:

 

I threw a few things

 

Went off on various household members for no apparent reason

 

Someone asked if I wanted to dye Easter eggs and:

 

Regular church goer: are you going to dye Easter eggs?

me: hell no

regular church goer: why not?

me: because Easter eggs have nothing to do with Easter, it's a pagan ritual

regular church goer: no it's not

me: YES, IT IS!

regular church goer: looks at me and then doesn't say anything else because she knows that I'm usually right about these kinds of things. I mean maybe people should know why certain things are done instead of believing what someone tells them and just jumping on the band wagon!

 

And, oh, this was a mess: I hear a knock at the door

 

me: Who is it?

2 ladies: we're bible students and we would like to share some thoughts with you.

me: (screaming through the closed door at the top of my lungs) I DON'T NEED YOUR THOUGHTS!

2 ladies: (saying something to me, but I couldn't hear them as I had walked away from the door)

----------------------------------------------------------

I wish had had some people to do things with. I'm not going there today, I'm already in a shitty mood.

----------------------------------------------------------

I'm so glad that Oprah did that show on the working poor. I try and tell people that most people who live in poverty are hard workers. I used to get so pissed off when I started college and rich kids would say that people are poor because they're lazy and they're criminals and, they live in run down neighborhoods because they are too lazy to fix them up, and they have roaches and rats because they aren't clean, and, and, and.

 

People who can barely afford to eat, do not have money for pest control or house repairs. There are a few moments in my life where I didn't live well below the poverty line, and as soon as I get a little extra money, something happens. I have more money now that I've had in the past but, I'm like one step away from having to live on ramen noodles again. This is why I get so pissed off at American Celebrities when they're in other countries talking about how hard the people have it. I've lived without the basic necessities, a toilet, shower, sink, lights, food. I started sewing so I'd have something to wear. When I first got sick and needed to go to a neurologist I went to every agency that supplies medical help to the poor and I wasn't eligible for any thing because I don't have children. One lady actually told me to get pregnant and they'd get me medical care, food, a place to live, a car, and help me find a job. My grandma cursed her out.

"You mean ya'll are gonna penalize her because she's smart enough not to have a kid!" (I was about 17 or 18 at the time, I had to be young if my Grandma had to be there.

 

If you were to look at the CDs, movies, and books that I own you'll be able to tell, when I had a little extra money and when I was barely eating. There is about a five or six year span in between my new books and my old books. most of my expensive things, like the xbox and computer and everything were gifts, or on sale because it had some kind of damage or defect. People who have money piss me off because they don't understand. When gamers tell me to get Halo, I try and explain to them that I have to wait until it becomes old news and the price drops below 20 dollars, they think that I'm just being cheap but, that's what poor people have to do. I never feel poor until people with money try and rub their shit in my face. I'm very grateful right now that I'm not as poor as I have been, but that can change in a moments notice, so I never get too comfortable. And I don't hold much value on material things. I can eat the foods that I like and not just the stuff I can afford right now and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

 

I was trying to get my own apartment and the lady was a complete bitch after I told her how much I could afford, she's all "You're below the poverty line, we can't help you!" I wish I could have punched that bitch through the phone.

 

I know this, I've done a lot of things to try and pull my self out of this hell hole, I went to college, I worked full time jobs, I thought I was finally going to make it and then, I got sick and people who can't afford medical insurance and get sick are screwed.

 

Anyway I don't need people's help, I'm just glad that Oprah and the 30 day guy did shows so people who've never lived in poverty can see that poor people do in fact work and maybe they'll stop thinking that they're better just because they have money.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I never talked about this week's prison break. I just want to say that Wentworth Miller acted is ass off in that episode. I loved the way he used his eyes. He's a bad mother- hush your mouth! Ha-Ha.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, I'll be back, when I get back, whenever that may be. I saw your comments and I will in fact reply to ya soon! Be good and have fun!

For your information Mariah Carey didn't start "walking around half dressed," until after she had already sold 80 million records. She does not have to do that to sell records. She's one of the only female entertainers who got famous because of her talent. She sold millions of records, without any drama surrounding her personal life and while completely covered up. Eminem wrote a song about her FIRST, so she simply replied. And everything I just said can be proven, you've obviously have internet access, check it out for yourself. Know what you're talking about before you speak on it.

 

I don't want to freak you out or anything, but Eminem doesn't know that you exists and could give less than a fuck about you "Standing up for him" Get a grip on reality. He's an entertainer, not your friend, it's people like you that give sane fans of entertainers a bad name, you know names like "stalker, mentally unstable, psychopath." I hope Eminem has a stun gun to use on your crazy ass. Is your name 'Stan'? I don't like his music but I don't think any famous person should have to fight off nut cases.

 

I'm waiting, bring it...

----------------------------------------------------

People are fucking idiots.

----------------------------------------------------

I watched 'Ringu' then went to sleep and dreamed that the dead girl 'Sada' was sleeping in bed next to me and I kept elbowing her because she wouldn't stay on her side. I watched 'Eulogy' before that but I didn't dream about any one from that.

--------------------------------------------------

For dinner today I had vegan pepper steak and vegetarian cheese cake. They've gotten really good about making the vegan meat products. I mean it actually tastes like what it's supposed to now.

 

Recipes:

 

vegan pepper-steak ingredients

 

morning star farms steak strips

one thinly sliced onion

one bell pepper diced small (I can't digest big piece so I make 'em small)

one can of whole tomatoes finely chopped

garlic infused olive oil (I make my own, it's cheaper that way!)

 

I cook the onion and bell pepper in the olive oil until it's completely soft, then I put it to the side and put the steak strips in the pan, then I add everything back in.

 

The sauce:

steak seasoning

curry powder

chili powder

Mrs. dash

soy sauce

sweet and sour sauce

the juice from the can of tomatos

vegan bar b que sauce

seasoned salt

 

Vegetarian cheese cake:

gram-crackers

soy margarine

smucker's sugar free strawberry preserves

Better than Cream Cheese or any vegan cream cheese

4 splenda packs

cinnamon (a small pinch)

vanilla extract

 

Instructions:

beat the hell out of the gram-crackers until it's all crumbs, add 2 splenda packs, mix with the melted margarine, press into a pie pan

 

soften the cream cheese in the microwave (between 30 and 40 seconds, don't melt it completely) add 2 splenda packs, cinnamon, vanilla extract, spread over gram-crackers

 

spread smuckers over the cream cheese.

 

Refrigerate for a few hours, if your greedy like me and can't wait (Ha-Ha), put it in the freezer for about 15-30 min.

 

 

All of my vegan and vegetarian recipes came about because, I suddenly started having severe stomach problems, so I had to play around with my diet for years to figure out, what I can and can't eat. And it seems that both meat and dairy upset my stomach. I still eat meat when the mood hits me but I can't eat it every day. And I'm from the South, where meat is the only master! Ha-Ha! People keep telling me that I should write a cook book for vegan soul food, because I make a vegan and vegetarian alternate to every kind of soul food you can think of.

 

I don't cook for people, but when I made vegan mac-and-cheese for the first time, I was all "ya'll can have some of that macaroni that's on the stove," after they ate it and said how great it was, I told them it was vegan. And people are always "eww I hate tofu" then after they eat something I cook I'm all "You know that was tofu" and then the person screams "What, I thought this was chicken!" Ha-Ha.

 

I've been cooking since I was 5 so I pretty much have a stock pile of recipes in my head and I just replace the meat and dairy with vegan products. The hardest part of all of this was finding vegan and vegetarian products that taste like the real deal some stuff out there is just nasty, it's all about trial and error, I've got it down now!

 

I should open a vegan restaurant where we listen to good music and talk about Stargate Atlantis and Pitch Black, oh what a dream that would be. Ha-Ha.

-------------------------------------------------

Well, that's all for now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decided to watch "The Other Sister" again. So I'm watching it and they show the son-in-law for a spilt second and I'm all "What?" then they show him again and I'm screaming "WHAT?" it's freaking Joe Flanigan! As many times as I have watched this movie, I can't believe I never noticed him. Anyway...

----------------------------------------

I feel like crap! I'm just not doing so hot right now. my ears are feeling better though.

 

There was this song that I kept hearing and I hate it and I'm like "why the hell does this kind of crap get airplay." So I listened to a CD I recently bought and a few tracks in I hear this song on the CD and I'm all "What? She sings this crap?" when I previewed the cd, I must have skipped that song! But this is usual for me. Take Mariah Carey for instance, most of my favorite songs of hers were never singles. I like the songs that I refer to as "Angry Mariah" you know the ones where she's going off on people? I love the fact that she never uses names, but you always know exactly who she's talking about, even though she wont ever say who the songs are about in interview. She's very clever! Though she's portrayed as a dumb singer, try and roll up on her, I bet Bianca will come out and cut your ass. Ha-Ha.

------------------------------------------

I watched an episode of Oprah, the one with Pink on it and I could not stop laughing when something close to this was said

 

 

lady: I asked the girls what they get out of showing their breast on camera, because Oprah, they don't get paid.

 

Oprah: They don't get paid? Well, that is stupid.

 

I could not stop laughing at that.

 

I don't think Pink gets why some people are turned off by that song. First of all the line "...flipping my blonde hair back." I'm like "um Pink do you realize that your natural hair color isn't platinum blonde?" And the for her to talk about the girls in the videos shaking their asses when she's done so, I mean she did "Lady Marmalade" she was half dressed in "Pill" and personally I think she called out chicks that were the most famous at the time, so she'd get publicity, because no one really paid attention to her previous album. I just think she could have called people out without coming off as a hypocrite. She did say some things on Oprah that I agree with. I agree with her when she said she doesn't think those girls are really dumb and that they're pretending to be, in my opinion it's humanly impossible to be that stupid. And I agree about how men react when they find out that a girl can read, and that she's smart. I've told you before how men react to me ("You're different!") And I also agree that a woman can be both smart and sexy, but sexy doesn't mean showing as much skin as possible.

 

 I just think that when you do a song and video like that, that you should think back on what you've done, maybe she should have done a parody of some of her videos where she was half dressed. Anyway...

----------------------------------------------

They've been having a 'Mad About You' marathon on Nick at night and it pisses me off. I'll be glad when they go back to their regular schedule so I can see 'Roseanne' I know they play it during the day time, but I want to see it at night! Ha-Ha.

-----------------------------------------------

Well, I guess that's enough of my rambling. See ya' when I see ya'

I'm still kicking. I haven't been well the past few days, my ears are killing me, I haven't been able to watch many movies because, movie makers have the music that's supposed to be in the back ground, so loud, that I have to turn up the volume on the tv to hear the dialog. Music is supposed to be an accent (unless it's a musical). I have been playing The Sims a lot, but I had to turn the music off.

 

I've been a bad mood, everything annoys me. Well, things always annoy me, but this is more than usual.

 

Today I had one of my headaches and I couldn't figure out why, then so one asked if I had slept, and I was all "Oh, that's why my head hurts." I took a nap and felt horrible when I woke up, so I went back to sleep and now I feel a little better, well, my headache feels better.

--------------------------------------------------

I don't know what I do in my sleep, but I wake up complete sore and dehydrated, maybe I'm sleep-exercising, or something. Ha-ha.

-------------------------------

I watched 'Taking.' I went to sleep and of course I dream that aliens are trying to abduct me. The left me alone after I started humming the melody from "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind."

-----------------------------------

I made tofu cheese cake, and it taste like the real deal. People always laugh at me about my eating habits, but as soon as they see something I've made or the smell of food starts drifting in the air, all of a sudden they want some. Ha-Ha. I hate when people are all "That sure looks good" (hinting that they want some) I always respond with "It tastes good too." Why can't people just ask for some, I don't have time to play little games like this.

----------------------------------

Why do people think that the internet is the cause of the spike in child molestation? It's not, the spike is happening because now police actually do their jobs and arrest all of the child molesters and not just the poor ones who aren't in positions of authority. If your child is molested it's more likely going to be Uncle Dave, Neighbor Joe, Teacher Lisa, Grandma Mary or someone. In fact, there is no spike, it's the same number, it's just not being hidden, a family secret, the thing that happens that no one talks about. I don't understand how the give this mother fuckers parole. Personally I think they should get the death penalty, because when a child is molested a part of them dies. You might as well have murdered them. But no, these people get 2 months probation and a fine. They don't get a long sentence until their sixth or seventh conviction.

 

And it's so backward to me that if a person's child is molested and they go and beat the hell out of the person, the parent gets charged with assault. That's bullshit. I see that as a parent protecting their child and that's what they're supposed to do.

 

The world is a fucked up place!

-------------------------------

                                              be good and have fun. Not sure if I'll be here tomorrow. Depends on how I'm feeling.

I can't sleep, even though I am beyond tired. I tried reading a book, but my mind kept wandering off. I tried to watch a movie, but after 15 minutes of trying to decide what to watch, I gave up. I said before that my surroundings reflect what's going on inside my head and lets just say that it looks like a hurricane came through here. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm sleepy, tired, bored, lonely, depressed, and angry.

 

Maybe I should take Black Widow out of retirement. There's Sims that need killing. Ha-Ha. Hmm, I don't seem to be up for that either. I don't know, I keep thinking of things that usually cheer me up, but I lack the desire to do anything. I'm completely drained. I haven't even re-hung my paintings. When I was about 20 or 21, my whole life fell apart and I felt exactly the way I feel now only worse and I didn't leave the house, I didn't do anything, I just laid in bed. I didn't even cry, I was like a zombie or something. See This is what I'm talking about, I just laid my head on the desk for about five minutes, I'm completely drained of energy. It's official now, I'm a mess.

I'm just sitting here minding my own business and then I think about the dream I just had (in my dream, a ghost told me it was going to kill me and I couldn't move or speak but I managed to get out two words, fuck and you. Ha-Ha. Yeah that sounds like me.) anyway, I think about my dream and every thing comes flying of the wall, a painting, a spice rack that held perfume bottles (none broke, thankfully). The only thing that stayed on the wall was my MC calendar everything else suddenly came off the wall, the picture hanger is in place and it's not loose or anything. I mean the stuff didn't just fall, it came away from the wall.

 

Now something just ran under the desk, all I saw was a tail so it is either a rat (we don't get the cute little mice, we get rats. Ha-Ha) or it's a big lizard. Yet again I'm under siege.

------------------------------------------

My little rant yesterday happened because, I'm having some memories and I'm a complete basket case right now. I've been eating, crying, listening to music, crying, eating, using the jump rope. I'm all ready dealing with so much stuff, now is not the time for my repressed memories to surface. Can't handle it right now. I feel worse than I did yesterday, but I'm more calm today. I don't know what to do with myself.

 

Maybe I'll go watch Pitch Black, Riddick always makes my boo-boos better. Ha-Ha!

Anyway. I have to get away from this desk, the last thing I need is a heart attack and if that thing runs over my foot, that's exactly what's going to happen.

"Love and other moments

are just chemical reactions in your brain

And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug

in your veins, in your veins

Love come quickly

Because I feel my self esteem is caving in

it's on the brink

Love come quickly

Because I don't think I can keep this monster in

It's in my skin

 

Love and other socially acceptable emotions

are morphine, they're morphine

cleverly concealing

primal urges, often felt but rarely seen..." -Savage Garden

-----------------------------------

I had a fucked up day. I'm so tired of all of this stuff that goes on around me. I have real problems, like being sick, and can't deal with this childish bullshit. People need to grow the fuck up. I'm tired of being strong. I just want to crawl into a cave and hibernate until it's all over. I stay in the fucking house, I don't say shit to any one, I mind my own business, and yet once again, more bullshit has found a way into my life. Fuck it all. I want to go somewhere, but I have no where to go, I don't have friends, family are just people who are biologically linked to me. I'm so fucking sick of them right now. All of a sudden, they want to care about me and they want to love me. Well, how nice of them to decide that I'm finally important. Fuck them. I don't give a damn what they now want. They should have thought about that when I was a child. The only thing they can do for me is pick an ass cheek and kiss it. Motherfuckers, finally realized what they should have done when I was a child and now they think they can come back into my life and I'm just gonna be all 'gung ho' and go skip through the forest singing kumbaya and holding hands with them. They must be fucking crazy. I am not that same little girl that desperately needed someone. I'm a "big girl now." I grew up, without any affection from them and I sure as hell don't need or want it now. I treat people the way they treat me, no better no worse. So if they don't like the way that I treat them, then they need to take a look in the mirror and realize that while they were being self centered and didn't give a damn about me, I was learning to survive without them. Fucking assholes.

 

Well, maybe I will be moving into that crack house after all. Because the longer I stay here the more my chances of catching a case increase.