Planet Nergeedor

I started this blog to try and get rid of my biggest defense mechanism, which is "You don't know anything about me." I had to go into survival mode as a child and even though I don't need to be this way anymore I just wont let anyone know anything about me, as soon as I start to open up to someone I panic. If I never open up, no one can hurt me, they can hurt my feelings but they can't truly hurt me. And if I never open up no one can ever love me either. Once I send something out into cyber space, that's it. I can never get it back. I can delete what I write but by then a million people could have copied it. So there will be no need for me to hide myself anymore. Anyone on the planet can read this. People have always used my insecurities against me. If they knew I felt lonely, they'd tell me I'd always be alone. My insecurities have changed over the years. Things that I was told as a kid seem to be untrue; I know I'm not ugly. I know I'm not stupid, (my IQ is through the roof and people call me stupid)?, I know I'm not a bad person. Now my insecurities are more about other people. I'm not sure if people really care about me or if they are just being nice. I'm not sure how to decide who I should trust. I can tell when a man is sincerely interested in me and not just getting sex and it freaks me out. I think "something must be wrong with him." When someone asks me questions about my life I feel like they are just trying to get information so they can go gossip about it. My feeling is "no one wanted to know me when I was a kid, why are they interested now?"  Suddenly my family members are telling me they love me and are wanting to be close to me but I told them it's too late for that. You can't wait until a person is an adult to try and have a close and loving relationship with them. They tell me they love me and I feel nothing. Those words are meaningless to me. I've told them that just because they've found Jesus and they want a different type of relationship with me doesn't mean that I want or need it. When I was a child I needed someone to tell me that they loved me, to tell me that I was okay, to hug me. And I never got it. I had no positive affection and it has made me into this person that is completely able to live without any one. I actually function better when I am alone and that freaks people out. I don't call people to tell them about my problems, I deal with everything alone and most people can't understand that. They think that I have no feelings because I don't show them. The only emotions I know how to show are anger and humor. I don't know if this is helping me or not, but I guess I'll stick with it for a little while longer.