http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy My weblog, a small way into yet ANOTHER new era!!!!!!! en Mizz_Fairy Mizz_Fairy Sun, 12 Jun 2005 21:08:58 +0200 daily 1 I push my fingers into my eyes Its the only thing That slowly stops the ache But its made of all The things I have to take Jesus it never ends It works it's way inside If the pain goes on... I have screamed until my veins collapsed I’ve waited as my times elapsed Now all I do is live with so much fate I wished for this I bitched at that I’ve left behind this little fact You cannot kill what you did not create I’ve gotta say what I’ve gotta say and then I swear I'll go away But I cant promise you'll enjoy the noise I guess I'll save the best for last My future seems like one big past You are left with me cuz you left me no choice I push my fingers into my eyes It’s the only thing That slowly stops the ache If the pain goes on I'm not gonna make it! Put me back together Or separate the skin from bone Leave me all the pieces Then you can leave me alone Tell me the reality is better than the dream But I’ve found out the hard way Nothing is what it seems I push my... Sun, 12 Jun 2005 21:08:58 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/who-gives-flying-fuck-fucking-scab-should-curl/56/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/who-gives-flying-fuck-fucking-scab-should-curl/56/   We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church We're hanging out with corpses, we're driving in this hearse Someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul Sat, 04 Jun 2005 09:49:57 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/I-Promise/55/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/I-Promise/55/ yea well yes ummm hey hi and all that shit.   i dunno why im writing on this really i've got other stuff to do and etc etc and that sorta shit but meh i just............ i dunno.   i should go anyway   Mizz_Fairy xxxxx Tue, 31 May 2005 14:45:08 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/My-Bittersweet-Migrane/54/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/My-Bittersweet-Migrane/54/ im sitting here in the art block, so nervous about my exams.   first exam at 1:15pm. German listening. well meh it is only german i know i know but stupid mathers has put me in higher tier. sucks really does suck. so ive got to get a C to pass. my oral wasnt too great, my listening isnt too fab, so it means ive got to do good on reading and writing for meto get a C. Re after german. 90mins for me to write about judaism. meh not too great but i figure if i just try to get into the flow of things and write as much hebrew as i can. ill be alright. im mainly saying that for my own benefit. just to reassure myself.   calm......... calm.......... ahhhha ok so im calming down a lot. lol god im such a srewed up mess.   meh well theres nothing else im willing to write on here.   Mizz_Fairy xxxx   Tue, 24 May 2005 13:49:41 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fucking-Nerves/53/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fucking-Nerves/53/ i know i havent blogged in a while i dunno what really started me to blog today i guess cos i have nothing better to do.   well at the moment theres a lot going on but its highly personal so i wont write bout it. Jeez! i dunno what to say, at the moment my life is pretty much focused on certain points, brought to my attention yesterday and thursday. o well, ill live and even if i don't so what? its hardly as though my death would be a loss to all mankind now is it?   anyway yea so get to leave school soon. finally, it will al be over. i was buring some photos today and it hit me i'll be finally leaving the bad memories so much better. so many things will fade away. so many scars are healing and being acknowledged.   *yawn* i should phone alyse. meh will do it now.   Mizz_Fairy xxxxx Sat, 14 May 2005 20:38:06 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/The-Skies-Darken-The-Air-Turns-Cold-You/52/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/The-Skies-Darken-The-Air-Turns-Cold-You/52/ hey all havent written in ages i know ill write properly again real soon. sooo errrrrmmmm quickly i guess......   errrrrrr...... dont know what to say. im good, im happy, im relaxed. errrrrrr ok other blog now lol   Mizz_Fairy xxxxx Wed, 04 May 2005 20:55:55 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/mmmmmmmmmmm/51/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/mmmmmmmmmmm/51/ hey all   well yea i know i haven't written in here in a while but its hard to let your creative juices flow if you feel restricted.   so brief and very bsic update as my proper heart-felt entry will be for the other blog.   meh dunno what to say really.......   meh im just sorts shopping online and stealing loads of songs of kasper at the moment.   Mizz_Fairy xxxx Fri, 29 Apr 2005 21:15:01 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Back-From-The-Undead/50/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Back-From-The-Undead/50/ hey all   *yawn* so very tired even though its not late and i've done barely anything all day. o yea!! those stupid pills to make you calm lol.   so then so then. i have details sorted for saturday, the camping "thing". errrrrrrrrrr *yawn* arrrggghhhhh so much homework. even though not in for tomorow. am tempted to just fall asleep right here.   I don't have much to say really. Except something quite sweet and funny that i wont write but if you ask inperson if you know me then i may tell you, all depending. But all i'm saying is <3 :D awwwwwww :D <3   ANYWAYZ!!!! am meant to be doing hw. fuck it. i have other stuff to write actually shit must do that now!!!   blog tomorrow   Mizz_Fairy xxxx Wed, 20 Apr 2005 22:08:09 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Nothing-tears-the-being-more-than-deception-unmasked/49/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Nothing-tears-the-being-more-than-deception-unmasked/49/ hey all well from the title you would expect me to be down but i'm not. well i was but well meh i don't wanna talk about that bit inbetween. hmmmm well yea i dunno really lol just trying to sort out through my head when i'm gonna do some revision. i cant seem to, i want to do something but i cant because my comp is a load of shit so its annoying me. I don't know. maybe because i think that this is like my answer. Even though it started off as just an idea. some ideas stick though, some stick hard and fast. sometimes you think the idea is "the answer" you know the one to well your problems. I know some people who think having a boyfriend is "the answer" maybe it's different depending on how deep the problems lie and whether they could be that easily fixed. My "answer" is really quite meaningless, it's just strangely obvious really and there are other ways but i think the one in mind is best. so anyway yea my fab day! meh well english boring, ict boring, maths meh mildly interesting,... Tue, 19 Apr 2005 20:52:40 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Gremlins-Run-Through-My-Mind-Picking-Me-Apart/48/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Gremlins-Run-Through-My-Mind-Picking-Me-Apart/48/ hey hey   not much of great interest to say. Forced to spend enitre day with parents in london with parents today with no credit and only my mp3 for company. sucked really did, and of course i got yelled at, not sure why i think it might the way a breath. Wrong according to my mum, maybe she'd prefere it if instead of converting oxygen to carbon dixoide i just didn't!   o well last night met rob,mel,mike,alyse and dan mucked around the park pretty much mocking the little chavs "playing" football. O yea got hit on the head by football o well no point going on bout it. And had a interesting convosation (alyse knows what i'm refering to) well it got all sorted out and some things that were said surprised me a hell of a lot. Not cos i didn't know what would be said, i knew basically what it was gonna be about but i didn't really understand why. And i still don't, it's been explained but i find the reasons well..... i guess a bit mind-baffeling.   mmm well i guess a... Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:41:21 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Kick-The-Face-Kiss-The-Lips-Changable-Life/47/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Kick-The-Face-Kiss-The-Lips-Changable-Life/47/ hey all well i don't know what to say. i really don't meh meh meh meh meh meh meh.   gee dead interesting! yea chiropractics again gee fun and games! then trailing around shops with mum except when i ditched her to look round virgin. meh gee a barrel of laughs. It sucks i'm not gonna see anyone till tomorrow afternoon. meh grrr school is such utter shit. ok well not long til study leave and then not long till i come back from kenya   ok so ive gotta spend like what 27days in a strange country with no friends. i'll be fine right. well i'm gonna have to be.   Mizz_Fairy xxxx Fri, 15 Apr 2005 22:30:07 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/For-Once-Untitled/46/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/For-Once-Untitled/46/ hey all ok bit of a qquestion needing an answer. Ok well there's this thing, (i really can't explain it better than that) it's well quite a big part of my life and who i am. some close friends know about it but they don't know that well recently the situation has changed slightly. Well a lot.  I have five people who i am close to. On  one hand i want to share this part of my life with them as it may be good in a way, but on the other i'm too scared to share it.   i can't really say what it is because it is soo not something i want broadcasted. Should i just tell them, if they found out and they knew i hadn't told them they might be upset. But there's all these old worries that they will treat me differently etc. It's already caused one lie, it shouldn't cause anymore right?   ok, mind is made up. Right, O god! i just relised something meh. Hmmmmmmmm now i have to think right ok i'm going to do this.   o god.   anyway i... Thu, 14 Apr 2005 22:57:42 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Let-Climb-Your-Angel-Wings-And-See-The/45/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Let-Climb-Your-Angel-Wings-And-See-The/45/ hey all mike is lying on the floor and dan is sitting. Christ it's like a libary. well apart from the AFI music lol and msn. i don't know what to say really. Stuff swirling through my head but nothing i can seem to word. I know what it is but i can't seem to say it or put it on paper. Just like there's a cloud hanging over me, i know it's there but i can't seem to shift it or see it   i may blog again later   Mizz_Fairy xxxx Thu, 14 Apr 2005 19:54:37 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Close-Eyes-Kiss-Your-Hand-Lead-Into-The/44/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Close-Eyes-Kiss-Your-Hand-Lead-Into-The/44/ hey hey firstly thanks kaspie!!!!! no doubt i shall take you up on your offer a few times before i get my own place.   So today, back to school. Joy of all joys!! got a shit load of hw to do on top of my revision, stressful!! I was talking to young micheal last night on the phone and afterwards i relised that sure i'm gonna miss everyone, shit i already knew that and i had kinda thought they would miss me. But how much? I mean obviously it's gonna be really hard leaving some people but i mean i'll be ok right? christ maybe i'm just over-reacting.   i'll be ok.   in the end i'm gonna get better.   just one thing, cornflake if you come on here ever to read this then i just want to say i'm sorry. you'll find out why when i next see you. my email was fucking up and i feel i owe you an appolgy.   Mizz_Fairy xxxx   Tue, 12 Apr 2005 19:41:47 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Something-Has-Settled-Deep-Inside-Carry-Smile-Through/43/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Something-Has-Settled-Deep-Inside-Carry-Smile-Through/43/ hey all *big ole sigh* christ maybe it would all be a lot easier if i just didn't speak.   Seems everyone is bearing down pressurizing me. I feel like everyone is pretty much against me. There's too much in the air for me to get my head round and deal with.   With not enough time, not enough skill i feel like i'm slipping down a hill i'm trying to get to the top of. I just want to get to the top of. But i'm slipping, slowly but it's there, the slip of my footsteps.   "The mind is the kindest place, For in my mind, Time doesn't kill the flowers, Hate doesn't poison the water, It's still beautiful. Stay forever in my paradise, Leave the grim reality, For a fantastical Eden"   i don't know if it makes much sense. it does in a way to me. Not about suicide but about fantasy being much more tempting.   to trap myself in my mind. Living in fantasy, ignoring reality and just let it take over it would be so easy and so... Mon, 11 Apr 2005 15:27:27 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Maybe-The-Silent-Doll-Smarter-Than-The-Eloquent/42/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Maybe-The-Silent-Doll-Smarter-Than-The-Eloquent/42/ Hey all   well last night was spent in a tent lol. We went a-camping lotsa fun. With big fire etc etc. Meh today was spent going round bmouth, me stealing some tunes off Nicks laptop. But he then procedded to make me trip whilst chasing me. O well life does tend to go on lol.   Meh i'm just sorta thinking stuff through, i don't know what but a lot of stuff. Just some stuff i found out, some stuff i have observed and some stuff that doesn't stop going round and round. Meh i dunno, i need another job, probs one i can do a night shift after school and maybe one with better hours on a saturday which means i'll have to quit O'Brians if i get any which kinda sucks. so combined revision and new job i'm probs only gonna see people who don't go to my school (therfore the majority of my friends) on sunday possibly friday nights and saturday nights. (Mind you this is asuming i get a job)   MEH just been on phone to a mate from school, feeling kinda stressed bout exams now. O... Sun, 10 Apr 2005 20:14:12 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fire-Cracker/41/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fire-Cracker/41/ hey all yea well meh to last night. meh wasn't that bad really just i was cold and too sober. o well, was good the fact we had fire and the singing along kept our spirits up lol. i've been to worse parties, also a lot better parties o well. i don't really know what to say, there isn't much to say......... lol meh ness   i guess i had interesting coversations with people yesterday but i don't really think it would be fair to comment on them.   Well now i have to find an activity to occupy my time for today. meh fuck lol dam i wish i was camping with the others. sucks this does.   o mums just come in to nag again bout me and my dad. I think she surprised that after the stupid stuff they did i'm not too keen to talk to them after it all. She wants to pretend nothing happened. I odn't care anymore. ive got 1 year and just under 6months til i can leave them forever.   See ya Mizz_Fairy xxxx Sat, 09 Apr 2005 11:54:02 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/FIRE-We-Have-Fire/40/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/FIRE-We-Have-Fire/40/ I'm back. Back at my house, but not were i want to be.   Story? Well i went to the movies with my friends to a) take my mind off of the whole thing b) tell them everything that had happened.   At the end of the movie my mum showed up, how she found out i was there i don't know but she did. She made me talk to  her and then i left. She found out were i was staying but let me go on the conidion i would be home the next day by tea-time. I had no choice pretty much. So i went.   at about midnight i got a phone call from my mum. My dad had drunk a bit and he was coming to get me. I don't if you can imagine how fucking scared i was but i was petrified. I was shaking and crying badly. Well he came and got me, nothing was said more than "Get your stuff now" i had to go with him i had no option. I don't know what he would have done if i had said no. My mum was on the phone and she didn't want him to take me either as she told him but she was at home she couldn't do... Thu, 07 Apr 2005 11:06:52 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Caught-In-The-Spiders-Web/39/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Caught-In-The-Spiders-Web/39/ hey again!   well its decided. I'm done so i wont blog for the next few days because i'm going to be at Mikes.   So i wont be on the internet. Those of you who know me will find all this out all the details probs when i see you. Also don't phone my house. Don't let my parents know were i am. Just ....... meh you know what to do your none of you stupid   O christ this is the scariest thing I've ever done. Give me a 50ft wall and i'll be fucking fine lol Bibi Mizz_Fairy xxxx Wed, 06 Apr 2005 15:09:58 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/The-Music-Played-For-Exit-But-Wont-Last/38/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/The-Music-Played-For-Exit-But-Wont-Last/38/ Hey All (again!!!)   meh *big ole sigh* so then so then.......... mmmmmmmm in comparasion to my last entery this is lengthy LOL meh meh meh meh meh meh.   ok so hmmm basic story tonight i'm going to have to choose between being brave and standing up for myself and doing what i think will be the best thing or being small and scared and letting myself get bullied. Thing is its more complex, I have to be brave to my parents. I've pretty much spent the vaste majority of my hols trying to do what my mum wanted. I did something ok not too clever but i didn't do anything wrong really. They have no faith and after a long long time of just them always going onto me i can't stand it anymore. It actually fairly unbearable.   So as the Clash song says "should i stay or should i go"? I could stay the rest of the holidays round Mikes. Get away from my parents and all the stress.   But would i be brave enough to stand up to them and walk out? And when i came back... Wed, 06 Apr 2005 13:37:34 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fear-Bravery-Stupidity-Safety-Isn-All-The-Same/37/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Mizz_Fairy/Fear-Bravery-Stupidity-Safety-Isn-All-The-Same/37/