hey all
well yea i know i haven't written in here in a while but its hard to let your creative juices flow if you feel restricted.
so brief and very bsic update as my proper heart-felt entry will be for the other blog.
meh dunno what to say really.......
meh im just sorts shopping online and stealing loads of songs of kasper at the moment.
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: tired.......*yawn*
Listening to: zilcho
hey all
*yawn* so very tired even though its not late and i've done barely anything all day. o yea!! those stupid pills to make you calm lol.
so then so then. i have details sorted for saturday, the camping "thing".
errrrrrrrrrr *yawn* arrrggghhhhh so much homework. even though not in for tomorow. am tempted to just fall asleep right here.
I don't have much to say really. Except something quite sweet and funny that i wont write but if you ask inperson if you know me then i may tell you, all depending. But all i'm saying is <3 :D awwwwwww :D <3
ANYWAYZ!!!! am meant to be doing hw. fuck it. i have other stuff to write actually shit must do that now!!!
blog tomorrow
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: calm but hyped, paranoid, wistful
Listening to: My Chemical Romance - Hang Em High
hey all
well from the title you would expect me to be down but i'm not. well i was but well meh i don't wanna talk about that bit inbetween.
hmmmm well yea i dunno really lol just trying to sort out through my head when i'm gonna do some revision.
i cant seem to, i want to do something but i cant because my comp is a load of shit so its annoying me. I don't know. maybe because i think that this is like my answer. Even though it started off as just an idea.
some ideas stick though, some stick hard and fast.
sometimes you think the idea is "the answer" you know the one to well your problems. I know some people who think having a boyfriend is "the answer" maybe it's different depending on how deep the problems lie and whether they could be that easily fixed.
My "answer" is really quite meaningless, it's just strangely obvious really and there are other ways but i think the one in mind is best.
so anyway yea my fab day! meh well english boring, ict boring, maths meh mildly interesting, science boring, psychology amusing nothing else. Once agains forced to go to out with my mum (only to the bank but thats far more than i can usally bear!) so yea gee what fun! i got to listen to her go on about revision (o yes my life just REVOLVES around that!) and the "usual". This includes the fact i am useless, the fact i am stupid, the fact i should try harder, the act i have an 'attitude problem' the fact that basically my character sucks and everything i do is wrong. O and also everything i say proves my 'attitude problem'. Get shouted at when i laugh or smile, get yelled aat when i'm not a great nood and i'm quiet.
o well maybe one day i'll something right but until then i'm just gonna ignor her sadistic comments and get on with my stuff.
o god meh stupid GCSEs, god shit i have a ever-increasing paranoia that everyone else has been revising since like Febuary and will all sail through exams. Me i will end up getting so fucked up about them i'll screw them all up. shit really i need four Bs. I can get two Cs alrightish with little revision. But i have another three subjects i need to get C/Ds in which may be harder. so ideally in a perfect worls i would get:
Maths = B
Science = B
English = C
Psychology = B
Child Development = C/D
French = B
German = C/D
ICT = C
RE = C/D
if i got those grades i would happy and content. my parents probs would yell a bit. They don't seem to relise i'm not a A* student, i am in fact rather on the thick end of the intellegence scale.
the ones i want Bs for i just need to fuckin revise hard. the ones i want C/Ds for i just need to start looking at what the hell i was meant to be learning.
I'll sort it all out in the end. I'll get them over with, i'll get kenya over with then i will have a great summer complete with seeing my friends and boyfriend all the time and getting a lip piercing : D
Thats my plan. hopefully it wont fuck up. Now i just have to go downstairs and have a cup of tea.
Also if you take a few too many pills that are herbel and meant o relax you it doesn't harm you right? nah didn't think so. i'm not gonna OD on anything! just took like double or triple the daily amount suggested but they are natural so i am fine : )
right may blog later
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh just more head sorting
Listening to: Metallica - Hero Of The Day
hey hey
not much of great interest to say. Forced to spend enitre day with parents in london with parents today with no credit and only my mp3 for company.
sucked really did, and of course i got yelled at, not sure why i think it might the way a breath. Wrong according to my mum, maybe she'd prefere it if instead of converting oxygen to carbon dixoide i just didn't!
o well last night met rob,mel,mike,alyse and dan mucked around the park pretty much mocking the little chavs "playing" football. O yea got hit on the head by football o well no point going on bout it.
And had a interesting convosation (alyse knows what i'm refering to) well it got all sorted out and some things that were said surprised me a hell of a lot. Not cos i didn't know what would be said, i knew basically what it was gonna be about but i didn't really understand why. And i still don't, it's been explained but i find the reasons well..... i guess a bit mind-baffeling.
mmm well i guess a lot of that is probs just because of my view on myself o well.
i've become kinda mad on these lyrics:
"late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel lift me up
and i open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
they flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and i am gone
now i lay here owing my life to a stranger
and i realize that empty words are not enough
i'm left here with the question of just
what have i to show except the promises i never kept?
i lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
[Chorus:]
i hope that i will never let you down
i know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
it gets me down but i'm still gonna try to do what's right, i know that there's
a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
there's a line drawn in the sand, i'm working up the will to cross it and
[Chorus]
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of always talking when there's no change
rhetoric can't raise the dead
i'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow
late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
red light, can't stop so i spin the wheel
my world goes black before i feel an angel steal me from the
greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
they've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
[Chorus]
can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound"
i just think they're really great
meh
Later
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh, bland
Listening to: Tebacious D - Dio
hey all
well i don't know what to say.
i really don't meh meh meh meh meh meh meh.
gee dead interesting!
yea chiropractics again gee fun and games! then trailing around shops with mum except when i ditched her to look round virgin. meh gee a barrel of laughs. It sucks i'm not gonna see anyone till tomorrow afternoon. meh grrr school is such utter shit. ok well not long til study leave and then not long till i come back from kenya
ok so ive gotta spend like what 27days in a strange country with no friends. i'll be fine right. well i'm gonna have to be.
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: worried, slightly sick, sad
Listening to: System Of Down - Chop Suey
hey all
ok bit of a qquestion needing an answer. Ok well there's this thing, (i really can't explain it better than that) it's well quite a big part of my life and who i am.
some close friends know about it but they don't know that well recently the situation has changed slightly. Well a lot. I have five people who i am close to. On one hand i want to share this part of my life with them as it may be good in a way, but on the other i'm too scared to share it.
i can't really say what it is because it is soo not something i want broadcasted.
Should i just tell them, if they found out and they knew i hadn't told them they might be upset. But there's all these old worries that they will treat me differently etc. It's already caused one lie, it shouldn't cause anymore right?
ok, mind is made up. Right, O god! i just relised something meh. Hmmmmmmmm now i have to think right ok i'm going to do this.
o god.
anyway i have other stuff to write in comparasion its just small nothing stuff.
bravery
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: hmmmmmm meh
Listening to: AFI - Sing The Sorrow the whole album
hey all
mike is lying on the floor and dan is sitting. Christ it's like a libary. well apart from the AFI music lol and msn.
i don't know what to say really. Stuff swirling through my head but nothing i can seem to word. I know what it is but i can't seem to say it or put it on paper. Just like there's a cloud hanging over me, i know it's there but i can't seem to shift it or see it
i may blog again later
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh
Listening to: Alice Copper - Schools Out For The Summer (hope!!)
hey hey
firstly thanks kaspie!!!!! no doubt i shall take you up on your offer a few times before i get my own place.
So today, back to school. Joy of all joys!! got a shit load of hw to do on top of my revision, stressful!!
I was talking to young micheal last night on the phone and afterwards i relised that sure i'm gonna miss everyone, shit i already knew that and i had kinda thought they would miss me. But how much? I mean obviously it's gonna be really hard leaving some people but i mean i'll be ok right? christ maybe i'm just over-reacting.
i'll be ok.
in the end i'm gonna get better.
just one thing, cornflake if you come on here ever to read this then i just want to say i'm sorry. you'll find out why when i next see you. my email was fucking up and i feel i owe you an appolgy.
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: defeated
Listening to: The Great Disappointment - AFI and Hello - Evanescene
hey all
*big ole sigh* christ maybe it would all be a lot easier if i just didn't speak.
Seems everyone is bearing down pressurizing me. I feel like everyone is pretty much against me. There's too much in the air for me to get my head round and deal with.
With not enough time, not enough skill i feel like i'm slipping down a hill i'm trying to get to the top of. I just want to get to the top of. But i'm slipping, slowly but it's there, the slip of my footsteps.
"The mind is the kindest place,
For in my mind,
Time doesn't kill the flowers,
Hate doesn't poison the water,
It's still beautiful.
Stay forever in my paradise,
Leave the grim reality,
For a fantastical Eden"
i don't know if it makes much sense. it does in a way to me. Not about suicide but about fantasy being much more tempting.
to trap myself in my mind. Living in fantasy, ignoring reality and just let it take over it would be so easy and so delicious. but i can't because not only is it idiotic but it will not help me in the slightest.
close my eyes and let the tears freeze,
out in the cold with only a lonly drum,
beating so i know i'm alive
later
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh
Listening to: Poison - Alice Copper
Hey all
well last night was spent in a tent lol. We went a-camping lotsa fun. With big fire etc etc.
Meh today was spent going round bmouth, me stealing some tunes off Nicks laptop. But he then procedded to make me trip whilst chasing me. O well life does tend to go on lol.
Meh i'm just sorta thinking stuff through, i don't know what but a lot of stuff. Just some stuff i found out, some stuff i have observed and some stuff that doesn't stop going round and round. Meh i dunno, i need another job, probs one i can do a night shift after school and maybe one with better hours on a saturday which means i'll have to quit O'Brians if i get any which kinda sucks.
so combined revision and new job i'm probs only gonna see people who don't go to my school (therfore the majority of my friends) on sunday possibly friday nights and saturday nights. (Mind you this is asuming i get a job)
MEH just been on phone to a mate from school, feeling kinda stressed bout exams now. O FUCK.
Off to do a stupid revision thing.,..... well i'll probs give up and just annoy and worry myself
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh bored
Listening to: Tenacious D - Wonderboy
hey all
yea well meh to last night.
meh wasn't that bad really just i was cold and too sober.
o well, was good the fact we had fire and the singing along kept our spirits up lol.
i've been to worse parties, also a lot better parties o well. i don't really know what to say, there isn't much to say.........
lol meh ness
i guess i had interesting coversations with people yesterday but i don't really think it would be fair to comment on them.
Well now i have to find an activity to occupy my time for today. meh fuck lol dam i wish i was camping with the others. sucks this does.
o mums just come in to nag again bout me and my dad. I think she surprised that after the stupid stuff they did i'm not too keen to talk to them after it all. She wants to pretend nothing happened. I odn't care anymore. ive got 1 year and just under 6months til i can leave them forever.
See ya
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: hopeless
Listening to: nothing
I'm back.
Back at my house, but not were i want to be.
Story? Well i went to the movies with my friends to a) take my mind off of the whole thing b) tell them everything that had happened.
At the end of the movie my mum showed up, how she found out i was there i don't know but she did. She made me talk to her and then i left. She found out were i was staying but let me go on the conidion i would be home the next day by tea-time. I had no choice pretty much. So i went.
at about midnight i got a phone call from my mum. My dad had drunk a bit and he was coming to get me. I don't if you can imagine how fucking scared i was but i was petrified. I was shaking and crying badly.
Well he came and got me, nothing was said more than "Get your stuff now" i had to go with him i had no option. I don't know what he would have done if i had said no. My mum was on the phone and she didn't want him to take me either as she told him but she was at home she couldn't do anything.
Well i got home safely. He was sober enough to drive, he was about 10 - 20 mile over the speed limit but we didn't crash or swerve or anything.
Go home, went to my room and stayed there until the next morning. I fell asleep in my clothes and my make up, that with the combined crying meant that i obviously look pretty dam shit.
Fuck though i was so scared.
I feel like there's no way out now. Like i can't break free.
o god. i dunno now
Later
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: gee take a good guess
Listening to: nothing
hey again!
well its decided. I'm done
so i wont blog for the next few days because i'm going to be at Mikes.
So i wont be on the internet.
Those of you who know me will find all this out all the details probs when i see you. Also don't phone my house. Don't let my parents know were i am. Just ....... meh you know what to do your none of you stupid
O christ this is the scariest thing I've ever done.
Give me a 50ft wall and i'll be fucking fine lol
Bibi
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: worried
Listening to: Jimmy Eat World - The Middle
Hey All
(again!!!)
meh *big ole sigh* so then so then.......... mmmmmmmm
in comparasion to my last entery this is lengthy LOL meh meh meh meh meh meh.
ok so hmmm basic story tonight i'm going to have to choose between being brave and standing up for myself and doing what i think will be the best thing or being small and scared and letting myself get bullied.
Thing is its more complex, I have to be brave to my parents. I've pretty much spent the vaste majority of my hols trying to do what my mum wanted. I did something ok not too clever but i didn't do anything wrong really. They have no faith and after a long long time of just them always going onto me i can't stand it anymore. It actually fairly unbearable.
So as the Clash song says "should i stay or should i go"? I could stay the rest of the holidays round Mikes. Get away from my parents and all the stress.
But would i be brave enough to stand up to them and walk out?
And when i came back what would the atmosphere be like?
Thes are all thinggs that need consideration. As i have proven rash desicions are never good. Hmmmm
meh meh meh meh
feedback anyone someone please!!!!
before 3pm please
o crap.
MEEEEHHHHHHH
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: good
Listening to: zilcho
"Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and
you're never coming round.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit tired of
listning to the sound of my tears.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes.
Turn around, bright eyes...
Every now and the I fall apart.
Turn around, bright eyes...
Every now and the I fall apart.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit restless
and I dream of something wild.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit helpless
and I'm lying like a child in your arms.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit angry and
I know I've got to get out and cry.
Turn around...
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look
in your eyes.
Turn around, bright eyes...
Every now and the I fall apart.
Turn around, bright eyes...
Every now and the I fall apart."
utterly and completly random. Meh lyrics. I love em, well the ones that are half decent. Just listening to this for no reason just thought i'd pop it in.
After all the majority of my blog is depressing analytic shit, so music!!! music and lyrics!!! Two of the few joys in my life!!
Maybe just pop on lyrics that i think are half decent and meaningful (bear in mind, I'm into rock, metal and punk so don't prepare for any 50 Cent!!)
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris = love this song
"And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d
Understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell = come on this is a classic!!
" I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram
On a silver black phantom bike
When the metal is hot and the engine is hungry
And we're all about to see the light
Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole
Everything is stunted and lost
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost
And I know that I'm damned if I never get out
And maybe I'm damned if I do
But with every other beat I got left in my heart
You know I'd rather be damned with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night with you
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night
Dancing through the night with you"
The Clash - Rudie Can't Fail = my FAVE Clash song
"Sing, Michael, sing! - on the route of the 19 bus!
Hear them sayin'
How you get a-rude and a-reckless
Don't you be so crude and a-feckless
You bin drinking brew for breakfast
Rudie can't fail
So we reply
I know that my life make you nervous
But I tell you that I can't live in service
Like the doctor who was born for a purpose
Rudie can't fail"
The Killers - Glamerous Indie Rock n Roll
"I take my twist with a shout
A coffee shop with a cause, then I'll freak you out
No sex, no drugs, no life, no love
When it comes to today "
Green Day - Minority = LOVE IT!
"stepped out of the line
like a sheep runs from the herd
marching out of time
to my own beat now
the only way i know
one light, one mind
flashing in the dark
blinded by silence of a thousand broken hearts
"for cryin out loud" she screamed unto me
a free for all
fuck 'em all
"you are your own sight" "
Green Day - Walking Contradiction = FABBO!!
"Do as I say not as I do because
The shit so deep you can't run away
I beg to differ on the contrary
I agree with every word that you say
Talk is cheap and lies are expensive
My wallet's fat and so is my head
Hit and run and then I'll hit you again
I'm a smart ass but I'm playing dumb
Standards set and broken all the time
Control the chaos behind a gun
Call it as I see it even if
I was born deaf, blind and dumb
Losers winning big on the lottery
Rehab rejects still sniffing glue
Constant refutation with myself
I'm a vicitm of a catch 22
I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right"
Green Day - Dearly Beloved
"Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying,
Are we demented? Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused,
For the lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse"
Guns n Roses - Welcome To The Jungle = rocks
"Welcome to the jungle we take it day by day
If you want it you're gonna bleed but it's the price you pay
And you're a very sexy girl, that's very hard to please
You can taste the bright lights, but you won't get them for free
In the jungle, welcome to the jungle"
Mariyln Manosn - The Fight Song - luv it!
"I know they suffocate you more than the passing of everyday human events
And isolation is the oxygen mask you're making children breath into to survive
But I'm not a slave to god that doesn't exist
And I'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit "
hmmmm thats a few then lol i'll stop now
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
Mood: meh really just chilled
Listening to: Bat OUt Of Hell - Meat Loaf
Howdy hi!
well pretty much had one of THE dullest days ever today, 2 dvds, 3old kerrang mags+ a lot of drinking. all alone joy and fun!!
O well i dunno what to say really.
i've got most stuff sorted in my head and heart, i just need to put it into practise i guess.
wooooohhhh yesterday i got seriously paranoid!!!! really not good. i think i know why, i let something happen yesterday which i really should have been in control of better. I wont let it happen again. hopefully.
It's all gonna be ok, got work tomorrow, four hours of not much really. O it really sucks, i like working there its nicest job i've had BUT it's really not enough work. four hours every other week its gonna be. That is not enough to either let me go to kenya of for me to go out with mates.
o christ!!!!! i can't get any more hours there coz thats what Jemma does, i may have to get another job. great!
Gee yea this wont interfer with my school work at all will it?!?!
o well
i have little to say because things are either sorted and the four or so things that are swirling around inside my head are well i can't really write down. I think its mostly paranoia for one of them......... hopefully..... yea it is.... yea lol
ok am going a vauge shade of crazy!
Bibi
Mizz_Fairy
xxxx
