http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal This is about me and my life. Nothing too interesting but please feel free to read and comment.... en mey2 mey2 Thu, 06 Jul 2006 15:15:11 +0200 daily 1   I am just updating you on where to find my new blog (not so new now cause I have been on it for months!) Please find it HERE No password necessary.  Just jump right in!! See you there Thu, 06 Jul 2006 15:15:11 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Update/114/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Update/114/ WOW... I got an email from Blogigo Team telling me I am now on their premium status.  Meaning... no ugly ad banner at the top of my blog and lots and lots of space for photos and stuff.  And that is a birthday present from them to me.... How nice!!!! Shame I am not posting here anymore.... Remember.... My new blog is HERE  and the password will be given if you just ask for it.  Why a password then I hear you say... let's just say I need to know who you are cause there is a certain person I dont to let on my new blog... cause it's got nothing to do with him (yeah it's hubby!) so i had to protect my blog! Have a good day Mey -x- Sat, 11 Mar 2006 10:31:59 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/I-am-old-today/113/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/I-am-old-today/113/ I am fed up with Blogigo error messages all the time. So I have moved my blog somewhere else... Find it HERE  and keep it in your favourite Mey -x- Fri, 27 Jan 2006 14:34:03 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Moving-Blog/112/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Moving-Blog/112/ Jee... I am eating a packet of Doritos and can't stop.... I should stop... I need to loose some weight.  But I cant stop eating them!  They are just too yummy...and addictive!! After this morning (see previous entry) I felt really annoyed going to work and I didnt really want to do any work.  But I went anyway and did the job I am paid to do... not enough paid but paid anyhow! I have had a couple of coffees this morning, with a couple of chocolate biscuits and I know it was bad but I can't help it.  Ideally I should have a bottle of water and maybe some nuts to munch on.  I am suppose to be depressed and sad and I had two options.  Be off my food and loose some weight with no effort, or be into my food and eat more than I should and put on weight thinking it wont stick!!   So now, when I will be looking for another person to share my life (or just casual sex cause anything is possible LOL) I will look like the Michelin guy... and that's no good. I need to... Thu, 26 Jan 2006 17:07:54 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/I-am-FAT/111/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/I-am-FAT/111/ Last night hubby came home and he was fine.  Then I mentioned that his mate had to go to Cardiff so his Friday night was cancelled.  He then asked if Sam was not going out on Saturday and I said no.  And I think he was annoyed with that cause he knew she would keep an eye on me...honestly..I feel like a child being watched by the grown ups!! So once again he went all weird on me, put his sad saggy face on and looked miserable... I just ignored him.  I went upstairs to change the sheets on Tom's bed (he had a little accident last night!!).  A few minutes later he came up and he said 'are you trying to get away from me' and I simply said that no, I was ignoring him cause his attitude was nothing new and I was fed up with it and was not interested to why he was in that mood.  So I just ignore it and carry on with my little life!  I dont think he was impressed with that but to be honest, I could not care less. He left the house to go and play squash and... Thu, 26 Jan 2006 09:23:37 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/another-down/110/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/another-down/110/ OK.  I have had a good day today.  I did loads at work and managed to really sort a few things out that have been hanging for ages.  So now I am pretty much up to date at work and that feels good! I felt a little happier today.  I sent an email to my mum and told her about the counselling bit.  I also said that hubby had booked a holiday in Austria and that although I was looking forward to see the mountains and the snow, I was dreading being with him with no escape... no last minute 'I am going out to see Sarah' escuse to get out of the house.... I am hoping however that we'll be so knackered after skiing all day, we'll be in bed early!!  I am planning to spend as much time with the kids and play in the snow with them.  My mum replied that she was happy I was not making any harsh decision just yet and that I was taking my time. I am worried that she thinks I will be all ok soon and that it was just a bad dream... But this morning, after he had his shower, he... Wed, 25 Jan 2006 18:09:29 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Slowly-but-surely/109/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Slowly-but-surely/109/ Today me and Hubby went to see the marriage counsellor and it felt all really weird. I know I was happy to go at first but when it came to the crunch I felt like running away!  We were asked to a room which was really small but comfy enough.  There was three chairs there and I chose the one on the left of the counsellor.... She first started asking questions about us, like our age and job etc.  Then she asked why we came.  I could not bring myself to start talking which is quite unusual for me cause I am always talking first....and last!! So Hubby started by saying that we had trouble in our relationship that the fun had gone and that my love for him had gone too. From then on it was an exchange of questions, statements and answers between the three of us.  The lady was really good. She asked me a question and I answered and while I was answering she was looking at Hubby...obviolusly to see what his reaction was.  I could see she was looking at our body language and how we... Tue, 24 Jan 2006 19:01:12 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/This-is-how-it-went/108/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/This-is-how-it-went/108/ I have had a rather nice weekend.  Me and Hubby have been ok after the talk we had on Saturday night. He seems to understand where I am coming from which is a huge step from last Tuesday.  We had lunch in a small restaurant near our house on Sunday and it was ok.... he tends to still ask me annoying questions like: who you're looking at or what are you thinking?  But we have now an agreement that when I dont like something, instead of getting frustrated, I just tell him: Now I dont like this, can you stop please.  And he agrees and stops.  So far so good.  We'll see how long this last!  I do look forward to going to see the counsellor tomorrow.  I think it will help even more. Strangely enough we have yesterday searched the net for a Easter Holiday all together and instead of the beach and the sun, I suggested Switzerland Chalet in the mountains with snow.  I thought if we need to make this work, then I should voice that beach holidays is not really my... Mon, 23 Jan 2006 09:20:50 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Not-too-sure-what-to-say/107/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Not-too-sure-what-to-say/107/ I came home after shopping yesterday and felt happy cause I managed to get Sarah some really nice presents for her birthday and I knew she would like them.  I got her a realy nice black Bench jumper, and really good book (she loves reading) and the DVD of Steel Magnolia which is a film I love with Shirlley McLain, Julia Robert and Sally Field.  If you haven't seen that film, get it.  You'll love it! Anyway I came home and Hubby was there, moody as ever.  He tried to talk to me and I kept saying that I wanted to wait till we'd see the counsellor. I really felt sad cause he is begging me to reconsider and tells me that he will change. He told me that 2006 for him had started really well and he felt really positive about it all and then I dropped the bombshell on him and now he felt helpless.  I must admit, I have never seen him like this.  We have had our arguments in the past but this is really serious. He then asked me how we would split the house and who would get the kids... Sun, 22 Jan 2006 11:38:52 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Up-and-down-Up-and-down/106/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Up-and-down-Up-and-down/106/ After Sarah left last night, I got a phone call from Hubby who was in the pub with his friends.  He asked me to come along too earlier cause my friend Sam was there too but I said no cause I was not in the pub mood.  I was actualy surprised that he was!! I fed the kids and asked them to put their PJs on.  I only ate their leftovers of Spaghettis and sausages... I was not too hungry! When he finally came back home, just before 9pm, he stank of booze and fags.... I really hate that smell! I was kinda quiet and was watching American Idol...(it started last night and I love the auditions...!).  He kept asking me if I was ok.  He kept asking me if I had any thoughts, if I made any decision, if I changed my mind...etc! And I said no no no.  After a while he said that he felt better about the whole thing.  He said 'Iam closer now to actually let you go'  I was very surprised.  He told me that he had spoken to his mate Simon and that his friend managed to show him... Sat, 21 Jan 2006 11:27:27 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Rollercoaster/105/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Rollercoaster/105/ I have had such a lazy day today.  I managed to have a few laughs with a friend on the net... I needed to be cheered up! I also managed to speak to Sarah earlier and she was so supportive.  SHe has gone trhough the same thing but her good for nothing boyfriend three months ago so she knows what it is like!! Then I spoke to my friend Lulu in France and amazingly enough, she and Sarah said the same thing. Staying will not arrange anything or solve anything.  If I want to leave then I should.  Not stay to try to make things better before I leave!! We have an appointment with a marriage counsellor on Tuesday!  I hope this will help!! Mey -x- Fri, 20 Jan 2006 21:04:57 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Lazy-day/104/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Lazy-day/104/ It was only a matter of time before the mother in law (MIL) would come round and have a little chat with me.  Hubby told me yesterday afternoon that he had to tell his parents as his mood at work was less than happy and they would ask questions anyway. Parents is law are off to Thailand today for 2 weeks so last night they wanted to come and say goodbye to the children.  They always do that when they go somewhere. And of course I knew MIL would ask questions.  Hubby had gone to play squash...thanks a lot for leaving me with the dragon by myself!!!!  I told hubby that I would simply tell her that I didn't want to talk about it.  I know how to handle her and she knows not to go to far with me.... So anyway they arrived and I said hi and I was not gonna ask them if they wanted a drink cause I wanted them out sooner rather than later.  They both went upstairs to see the kids and I stayed downstairs watching tele....or at least staring at the screen! Then it took just about... Fri, 20 Jan 2006 10:43:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/And-now-the-mother-in-law-is-involved-o/103/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/And-now-the-mother-in-law-is-involved-o/103/ It's just getting harder and harder. Last night we argued about the fact that I didn't come down to see him on the scene of the accident.  He was hurt that I didnt care at all and did not bother try to come and see him there.  He said he was almost in tears looking at the kid he knocked over laying on the road while a lot of other people were making sure the kid was ok. I kept saying that his brother had told me not to come and that I went straight home thinking he would come there afterwards.  Telling him I was thinking of him when I went home and wanted him to know I would be here to support him through this horrible ordeal. Anyway...it was a stupid argument, absolutely unecessary and pointless. He was again very upset last night and came over to lay next to me afterwards.  I feel sad cause even if I am feeling crap for hurting him like this, when he comes over, I wish he just wouldn't! About 9.30pm, I was falling asleep on the sofa.  So he said 'shall we go to... Thu, 19 Jan 2006 09:40:29 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Last-night/102/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Last-night/102/ Could this week get any worse?! I had to go home early today cause Hubby had a car crash.  He is fine but a 17 year old kid smashed into his car on his motobike and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance.  Hubby was well shaken up and he had to go through police statement, breatheliser etc etc. When he called me he was waiting for the ambulance as the accident had just happened and I was just at work.  He put the phone down and I was left at my desk wondering what the hell happened as it was a bit confusing.  I told my work mates about it and they both told me to go home but at first I said no. I needed to work to keep my mind of things.  I called Hubby's brother to see if he knew more and he told me that he was on his way there.  He told me not to come but to stay calm and he said he would call me as soon as he knew anything more. So I was trying to concentrate at work and both my work mates told me to go home cause I was just useless in my state! I drove home and... Wed, 18 Jan 2006 20:11:49 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Unbelievable/101/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Unbelievable/101/ What a horrible evening I had last night. I admitted to him that I have been questioning my feelings for him for the past 5 years.  He was in shock.  He kept saying 'I can't believe this is happening to us...I hope I am gonna wake up and it'll be a nightmare'  He cried and I cried and I felt so bad about the whole thing.  But I could not bring myself to say 'Ok..let's forget about it...it'll be ok!!'.  Deep down, I know there is little chance for me to love him again...like I used to when I first met him. We met when I was 19 and I just arrived in the UK as an aupair.  When we started going out together, he was still in a relationship with someone (They'd been together over 8 years).  I was smittened with him.  I thought about him night and day and was sure he was the man of my life.  The first year of our relationship was tough as he had to break up with his then girlfriend.  But once we were living together I was the happiest in the world.  I... Wed, 18 Jan 2006 09:40:01 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/The-crying-has-stopped-for-now/100/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/The-crying-has-stopped-for-now/100/ I have been crying so much today.  I arrived at school to drop Jack and Donna was there and she looked at me and first thing she said was 'Wassrong babe' and I just told her and she said it was gonna be harder now but in the end it will sort itself out... didn't stop me from crying in the playground trying to hide my face in my coat.  Donna has been there too but she was on the receiver end... it's quite different for me but as painful I think! I jumped into my car and drove to work.  I was crying in my car...it was just pouring out of my eyes and I could not stop it but I did not want to go home... that would have been just horrid to stay home.  I arrived at work and started to make sure I was being composed and was gonna be ok.  But as soon as my colleague saw me, she said 'Wassrong??!!' and I burst out crying again.  So for 45 minutes she took me in her office and talked to me which was great cause she made me realise that I was not the bad guy....there is no bad... Tue, 17 Jan 2006 18:35:48 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Red-Eyes-raw-with-pain/99/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Red-Eyes-raw-with-pain/99/ OK... My eyes are red raw from all the crying! Last night we had yet another fight and I ended up shutting up cause I knew I was gonna say something I'd regret. We didnt speak to each other after the kids went to bed.  At 9.30 I said I was off to bed cause I was tired and he asked if I wanted to talk to him....well duh...No  I said I was going to bed!!! This morning I woke up at 4am.  And I stated thinking about all sort of things.  I am so confused inside my own head it's scary even for me...and I am not usually scared of anything...well... apart from spiders but I truly believe these things were put on earth to push people's adrenaline up!! Anyway, at 6 I decided I could not stay in bed anymore so I got up and hit the shower, washed my hair etc... He got up and asked why I was up so early and I simply said I could not sleep anymore.  He asked if I was alright and I just said Yes...  such a liar ME! When he was done with his shower, he came in the bedroom and asked how I... Tue, 17 Jan 2006 09:37:58 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Out-in-the-open-now/98/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Out-in-the-open-now/98/ I have just been crying.  I was driving my car after picking up my son from nursery, music was on and maybe it was because of the word I was listening.  The song was called Cosy Prison and the end lyrics goes: So if you're careful, You won't get hurt, But if your careful all the time, Then what's it worth?  Which to me meant... Should I stay and put up with it, or go and start again! I was so surprised at myself... I never usually cry when I listen to music even if it touches me!!!  But I guess I am at the end of my tether at the moment. I have had a huge argument with hubby earlier because I told him I was going out with Sarah and Donna for Sarah's 30th in a couple of weeks and he flipped.  He said that he wished I was not going cause he knew I was gonna flirt and dance with blokes and that I was out of control when I was drinking etc etc.... Jee  He really annoys me so much!  He thinks I am always up to no good when I am out but I really aren't.  At the end of the... Mon, 16 Jan 2006 18:29:11 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Not-good/97/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Not-good/97/ I dont mean to moan all the time but when you are married to the guy I married, you have little else to do! This morning as I was showering, hubby came in the bathroom to put gel in his hair (otherwise it's all fluffy and he looks like a right dork).  Anyway, he started talking to me about condoms.  He said that he thought they may not be lubricated enough and that is why it hurts me at times.... So I said to him 'well you know what the solution is dont you...SNIP' .  I have stopped my pill a year and a half ago cause it made me go doolalee and I told hubby at the time that after 12 years of me being responsible for contraception, it was his turn!  So either he would have the snip (also known as vasectomy) or he would use condom which to me was great cause it meant being clean....if you know what I mean...and sorry for the details!!! I have taken the pill again last month to try to regulate Aunty Flo (a.k.a period).  So anyway, this morning he said to me... 'Well since you're... Mon, 16 Jan 2006 09:25:21 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Another-Rant/96/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/Another-Rant/96/ OK.  I woke up this morning thinking of all of you guys...awwww... aren't I just the nicest!! LOL... I thought I need to make a few changes in here.  So I am gonna delete my other blog which I never really use.  This way, I keep it all tidy!  and also I will make sure that I'll write more on here even if it is just to say HI!! I also thought that if any of you who cannot create nice banner for your blog (I am not saying I am great at itbut...) please do not hesitate to ask me to create a banner for your blog.  You can choose anything you want, picture, colour, style and I'll try to match it for you!!... and all for free LOL I wanted this morning to come down while hubby was still asleep and start writing but nowadays, he does it all the time, he sees me going out of the bedroom and he has to follow...like a dog!  Can't he just leave me alone and go back to sleep !! Now he said this morning that I had been in a really bad mood over the weekend and he didn't know... Sun, 15 Jan 2006 13:19:02 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/A-few-decisions/95/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Meyjournal/A-few-decisions/95/