Mey's Journal

What a horrible evening I had last night.
I admitted to him that I have been questioning my feelings for him for the past 5 years.  He was in shock.  He kept saying 'I can't believe this is happening to us...I hope I am gonna wake up and it'll be a nightmare'  He cried and I cried and I felt so bad about the whole thing.  But I could not bring myself to say 'Ok..let's forget about it...it'll be ok!!'.  Deep down, I know there is little chance for me to love him again...like I used to when I first met him.

We met when I was 19 and I just arrived in the UK as an aupair.  When we started going out together, he was still in a relationship with someone (They'd been together over 8 years).  I was smittened with him.  I thought about him night and day and was sure he was the man of my life.  The first year of our relationship was tough as he had to break up with his then girlfriend.  But once we were living together I was the happiest in the world. 
I am not saying it was bliss all the time cause we had still some hard patches ahead of us, but I was happy.
Then his jealousy started kicking in and from then on it went from bad to worse.  I think after a few years of being untrusted despite doing everything right, you tend to loose a little respect for the person... and then love dies down little by little.

This morning he said to me 'Do you realise we'll never make love again....ever'  Yes I do realise that and it's kinda ok for me cause I have time to get used to the idea...
He is struggling badly with the whole thing and he was about to not go to work this morning etc. 
I said to him that if he wanted to make things better he was going at it the wrong way.  I told him to take one step at the time and asked him not to push it... he keeps asking questions I dont have the answer to.  If he tells me 'I love you' and expects it back...but I just keep quiet and that kills him!

I am prepared to make an effort for the sake of the children and try to make things work to a degree.  I said to him, I am not promising anything but we have to try to make this situation as easy as possible.

He kept asking me if I felt positive about it.... and I told him he will have to be patient.  I said that he had to really pull himself together.  I so understand what he is going through.  I am destroying his world and he just cannot cope with it.  But as I said before.  I cannot pretend anymore and I only have one life.  Maybe I am being selfish but I think that at the end of the day, I have to do things for me too.  My mother waited 30 years before she left my dad, a man she never really loved.  I won't make that same mistake.  And she said she agreed with me.  She told me that if I did not love him, and knew exactly what I wanted, then why wait.

This morning I looked through Hubby's mobile phone cause I knew he texted his best mate last night and I wanted to know what had been said.  I read that he was kinda happy I got it off my chest after 5 years.  But he also wrote that he felt really scared by the whole thing.
I feel for him...I really do... but what else can I do??

Have a good day
Mey
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